The Accidental Divorcee
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Astrology – Based on the premise that there is a relationship between astronomical phenomena and events in the human world. Astrology consists of a system of horoscopes purporting to explain a person’s personality and predict future events in their life based on their birthdate.
Meditation – The practice of training the mind or inducing a mode of consciousness to benefit the individual. It encompasses a broad range of methods to promote relaxation and build internal energy or life force. Meditation is used to self-regulate, clear the mind, and ease many health concerns.
CHAPTER 12
A Long Road—Forgiveness and Healing
The Bible says this about forgiveness:
Mark 11:25
“When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them
So that your father in heaven may forgive your sins.”
Another perspective on forgiveness is this:
“Forgiveness is the decision to release a person from the obligation that resulted when they injured you”2
It may take a very long time, but hopefully you eventually get to a place where you can live fully again. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. Baby steps and the passage of time make a difference. We forgive others for ourselves, not for them. It’s a conscious act of letting go of the hurt. If you can forgive, you will have a happier, more productive life.
THE TERRIBLE GIFT
For better or for worse, your ex-spouse has given you the gift of your freedom. Essentially, they have given you your life back. Your future and your decisions are your own. This is liberation on the most basic level and it will affect every aspect of your life.
For many people, it’s terrible. It’s a terrible gift.
For years you have functioned as someone’s partner. Someone cared about what you did, and whether you were healthy and safe. Because of this partnership, you may have customized the way you did things, how you handled your finances, where you lived, how you parented your children. You were half of a two-person partnership. Suddenly your partner is gone.
Freedom is a gift. Make no mistake about that. You get a redo, a complete do-over. And yet, the silence is deafening, the path unfamiliar.
Many times enlightenment comes at a great cost. It’s opening an unknown door to see what is behind it.
There are two sides to every coin. It may seem incomprehensible to you now, but your ex gave you something of epic proportions when they handed your life back to you. What you do with this gift—terrible, unimaginable, and mammoth as it is—is up to you. Look at it as an opportunity to rechart the map of your life.
WRAPPING UP
Hopefully this book has enlightened you and given you some tools and resources to use in your recovery and journey during a separation or divorce. The Accidental Divorcée has tried to share the very best of what she learned to help you get through this trying time.
Some of the information in this book may resonate with you and give you food for thought. Some information might not be applicable to you. That’s okay—use this book in whatever way is useful to you.
Sometimes getting over a relationship that defined your life is like a marathon. You just need to keep running the race, doggedly staying on the path. Phrases like “hang in there” come to mind. No matter how bad things get, just stay the course—and remember that others have proven over and over again that starting a new and wonderful life is possible. The tough times will pass.
I want to leave you with a phrase I love; during this crucial time, it might bring you some strength.
Hope springs eternal.
EPILOGUE
I mention in the introduction of this book that when I went through a divorce, I became very angry when I read anything that suggested I could emerge from a divorce an optimistic person with a solid future.
During the first year after my separation and divorce it was unimaginable to me that I could ever be happy again. My divorce attorney once told me that another life was possible for me. When he saw the look on my face he knew I did not appreciate his words.
I threw myself into the sorrow and the pity, and for a long time I reveled in how upset I was. It got me through that first year. My own needs and the needs of my children became my only valid consideration for a long time. I felt so betrayed, I was sure I could never trust anyone again.
Now I remember those days and know they were necessary.
And then one day, the sun felt warm on my face, and I had a good day. I remember thinking that I would get through this experience, that it wouldn’t rob me of my joy, and, as my mother told me, “It will be okay.”
Now, five and a half years after my big breakup, I am what my divorce attorney predicted: an optimistic person with a bright future. My life, after being chopped down like an overgrown bush, has bloomed again. I am not the same plant I was, however. I’m much more self-reliant. I am more careful with money, more thoughtful with my plans, and it takes me a long time to trust others. I’m a small, fiery, wiry plant built to grow and change with the wind, I guess you could say.
I knew when I was going through this experience that I had a longing of the spirit (or a calling, some would say) to reach out and try to assist others who are going through the dark period a separation or divorce causes.
There are so many reactions to divorce. Some people have wild and crazy responses, some people can shut a lot of it out, some people have a plan, but I felt I was just out there swinging, with no idea what to do next. That’s why I committed to my goal: when I reached a place where I had it together, I would help others.
I live in a big neighborhood in a vibrant city, where people move in and out for career opportunities. I have been here a long time because I wanted to raise my kids in the same home. My backyard rolls downhill and it’s scrappy territory, not much dirt there. We dump dirt yearly, but rain washes it down the hill. Right on the other side of my backyard fence, where the neighbors have been different every year, is this fabulous red rose bush. My first neighbors planted a wood trellis to keep it up, and then it grew so much that they chopped it back. The next inhabitants cut it back right before it was time to bloom. They were moving and felt it blocked the path to the backyard. Two years later, it’s vibrant again. I spy on the rose bush through the fence every spring. I think I like it so much because it’s beautiful, well-seated, and it’s not going to stop growing. It will be here long after I am gone.
Sometimes we just need to hang in there, like the rose bush.
I truly hope that on some level this book helps you to move forward and to realize that someday this experience will be in your rearview mirror.
Laura Scott
The Accidental Divorcée
Austin, Texas
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
I would like to thank my editors who pulled this book together for me, made suggestions, and helped to organize everything and unify the voice of The Accidental Divorcée.
I would like to thank everyone who, when my marriage suddenly ended, jumped into the water in my proverbial swimming pool to fill it up with love, friendship, and to be there for the bad times and to go out and have some good times.
I would like to thank the great counselor who ran my divorce recovery class and the two rocking girlfriends I made while I was in there.
I would like to thank my family for being so incredible— four generations of fabulous, especially my mom and my sisters.
I would like to thank my children, who make everything worth it every day.
I would also like to really, really thank those who shared their stories with me and provided me the spark for many of the narratives in this book.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Laura Scott is a small business owner and proud single mother of two teenagers. She is a college graduate with a degree in liberal arts. When she found her marriage was suddenly ending, she dove in to look at the resources available to her and committed to writing a book to help others. She is currently working on a self-help workboo
k to supplement The Accidental Divorcée.
ENDNOTES
1. “Infdelity Statistics.” Inside Affairs, last modifed January 7, 2013, accessed June 29, 2016, http://doccool.com.
2. “Forgiveness is Unfair,” last modifed July 17, 2015, accessed July 5, 2016, http://www.jamesmacdonald.com/teaching/devotionals/ 2015-07-17/.