Johnny & I : The Island

by Daria M Paus

  "How are you feelin'?" I’d asked it so many times before, but I couldn't help myself. Knowing that I would have to leave him when he was sick troubled me to my core. I hated the thought of not knowing what would happen to him.

  "Bree.” He smiled a small smile, shaking his head.

  "I know,” I sighed. "I ain't gonna ask again."

  He opened his eyes and let them rest on me. “I’ll be fine, don't worry," he said, trying to ease my mind. It wasn't working. I knew enough by now to understand that what had happened was nothing he’d ever want to face again, but here we were, heading right back into the same nightmare he'd fled from. The nightmare he had no idea how to cope with.

  "What will you do when you get back?"

  The unmistakable sadness in his eyes spoke louder than any words. But when he spoke, no trace of it was in his voice.

  “It'll be right back to filming—if they haven't already fired me, that is."

  I smiled despite the uneasy feeling inside of me.

  "That movie ain't nothin' without you."

  He gave me a small smile in return. “And what about you?"

  "Back to work on the farm, I reckon, there's always somethin' to do around there."

  He nodded. "Sounds great."

  I frowned. “Really?”

  "Of course,” he said. “I'd love a place like that.” He paused and then went on. “The privacy, the freedom of going wherever you want without . . .” He left the sentence unfinished and I mentally filled in the rest. Without a bunch of crazy fans running after him. Without a team of guards following his every move.

  "It sounds like you already miss the island,” I said.

  "I'm not always like this, it's just . . . it's been too much lately."

  I nodded. Understanding.

  “Just . . .” I didn’t know how to put it. “Even though I won’t be there, remember I'm on your side. I believe in you, no matter what she or the rest of the world says. You're not alone.”

  Instead of speaking, he tugged at my hand, and held out his arms to me. I got up and stepped into his embrace.

  "You have no idea how much that means to me," he said.

  He was right, I didn't know, but I hoped with all my heart that he would remember. That it would be enough to help him through whatever Nancy was about to do next. I hated the thought of not being there myself. But he didn't want it, or didn't allow himself the comfort, the love—I didn't know which, and I tried not to think of it. Thinking wouldn’t change anything, and I didn’t want to let the scene in the bathroom ruin our last moment together.

  How was I supposed to go back to reading about him on the net like any other fan? It would never be the same again; it would never make me happy the way it once had. In fact, it would only make the whole thing worse, but what choice did I have?

  Johnny’s hot breath tickled my skin as he whispered my name into my neck. I pulled away just enough to be able to look at him.

  “Sorry about . . . earlier. Don’t worry about me, okay?”

  “I—"

  He shook his head. “I’m ok,” he said.

  I didn't believe him.

  “Johnny—"

  I was once again cut off.

  “I know you read it,” he said.

  My breath caught in my throat and my cheeks burned.

  “I'm sorry, I . . .” I couldn’t meet his gaze, but the small smile tugging at the corners of his lips made me look back up at him.

  “How—" I knew it before asking, but it didn't make me feel any less guilty. “I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.”

  “No,” he said. “I mean I’m—" He paused to take a deep breath. “I’m glad you did.”

  My eyes widened.

  “You know . . .” He took my hand in his, looking down at our intertwined fingers before continuing. “My life is not perfect—far from it.” He let out a deep breath. When he looked up at me, his eyes were glistening and he shook his head as if trying to clear it from bad thoughts. “I’m a mess sometimes, you just . . . found me at the wrong time.”

  “No.” I squeezed his hand. “I reckon I found you at the exact right time, didn’t I?”

  The hidden question burned in my eyes, but he didn’t reply. Just when I thought he wasn't going to say anything, he nodded. It wasn’t much, but the little gesture was enough for me to know I’d been right.

  My eyes filled with tears, and to hide them I buried my face in his neck. He wrapped his free arm around my shoulders and hugged me tight to his body.

  I wanted to tell him how much I’d miss him, but it wouldn't make anything better. What lay ahead of us, neither of us could change. Telling him would only hurt us both more than the silence would. I remained quiet, resting my head against his shoulder for a little while longer. Then I sat back up, watching him in silence, trying to savor this last moment together. I reached out a hand, and let it glide across his cheek.

  "Bree, I . . ." His voice trailed off and I raised an eyebrow in question. But whatever he’d been about to say was lost, and he shook his head. I couldn't help but wonder what he’d planned to say, and why he hadn't.

  Instead of speaking, he let a hand slide into my hair, pulling me toward him. Our lips met and that familiar spark shot through me at the slight contact. My whole body tingled with what felt like electricity, and when he pulled away, I was already breathless. He must’ve seen the look in my eyes because he gave me a bittersweet smile.

  Then he kissed me again, this time with more passion, and all the traces of sadness vanished in an instant.

  "Wait,” I gasped. "They can come in!”

  "Lock the door."

  My eyes grew wide. I shot a nervous glance at the door, then I looked back at Johnny. It was all the encouragement I needed.

  I stepped back into his waiting arms and his lips met mine in another fiery kiss. His hands slid inside my shirt, and all thoughts of our uncertain future melted away. I couldn't even worry about his health; I couldn't think of anything else than this moment.

  ∞∞∞

  A loud rap at the door brought me back to reality all too soon.

  Johnny shot a look of annoyance toward the intrusion. ”Give us a sec.”

  I shifted in his arms to look at him. The sad look on his face made the feelings I'd temporarily forgotten come rushing back. My throat tightened as one persistent thought assaulted my mind.

  This is the last time, the voice whispered, and I knew it was right. The last time I touched him; the last time I kissed him; the last time I—

  "Open the fucking door.” Marc’s irritated voice made me jump, and Johnny let out another grumble.

  “Fucking unbelievable.”

  His hand caressed my hair, then slid down my back before finally disappearing.

  Knowing Marc's temper, I wouldn't be surprised if he’d kick the door open. I didn't want to stand there half naked if that happened. I quickly put my clothes back on, watching as Johnny did the same.

  Then he went to open it, and just as I’d expected, Marc stormed inside, followed by Rick and Casey who looked more amused than annoyed.

  “Get the fuck out of my face,” Johnny muttered, and Marc scoffed. Instead of replying, he turned to me and I cringed under his glare.

  "Brianna.”

  I managed a small nod.

  “You’ll leave the boat before it goes into port, that way you can avoid the press,” Marc said. “I’ll have someone take you ashore in a small boat.”

  I nodded, not wanting to argue with him. It wouldn't make a difference. I looked at Johnny, and he seemed torn between liking the idea and disliking it. But he didn't protest and with that my fate was sealed. It wouldn't be long now.

  “I’ll be back.” With that Marc left, just as abruptly as he'd entered.

  Johnny came to sit next to me, and I turned toward him, not caring about Rick and Casey’s presence.

  "I know I promised not to ask, but . . . are you okay? You look . . ."

  "Exhausted?"

/>   I nodded.

  "I wouldn't want it any other way.” The little wink he gave me made my heart skip a beat.

  Casey and Rick exchanged funny looks.

  "You do remember you have a fever, Johnny. You should be resting, not engaging in—"

  "Just shut it, Rick," Johnny snapped, but a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. Rick laughed, and I couldn’t help but blush. Rick and Casey seemed to know exactly what Johnny and I had been doing behind the locked door, and the way they eyed us made me wish for the floor to swallow me up.

  Trying not to look at them, I reached out a hand to smooth down Johnny's hair, which to my embarrassment looked much messier than usual.

  Rick chuckled again and this time Casey joined in.

  “Get the fuck out of here," Johnny said.

  “All right, J.” Casey grinned, taking Rick by the arm, and I stared at them as they disappeared through the door.

  “They’re great, those two. I’m glad you have them to look after you.”

  “If only they weren’t so annoying.”

  He didn’t mean it. I was sure he liked Rick and Casey just as much as I’d come to like them in only a few hours.

  The boat slowed down before I heard the footsteps. It was time.

  “Johnny.” I managed to whisper his name as the sudden wave of desperation rushed over me. I wanted to cling to him and never let go. He nodded, taking my hand.

  “I know, love,” he whispered. “I know.”

  28

  Goodbyes

  A hand landed on my shoulder, and unwillingly, I turned and looked up at Marc.

  "It's time to go; the dinghy is ready," he said, sounding just as coldhearted as he looked.

  I turned back to Johnny with sorrow in my heart and tears in my eyes. The way he looked at me made the tears I’d been trying to hold back roll freely down my cheeks.

  He took my face between his hands, leaning in to kiss me once more. One last time.

  “Please remember me,” I managed to whisper. He gave me a short nod, then closed his eyes briefly. I studied his handsome face with a growing sense of panic. How could I leave him like this? How could I ever get over him after falling so hard for him? It didn't matter who he was—not any more. My heart didn't care whether he was a beggar or the richest, sexiest man to walk this earth. All I wanted was to be with him, in every way possible. It didn't matter that he was Johnny Grey, the fucking Johnny Grey, whom every girl would die to be with. For me, he was just Johnny, my Johnny, and I didn't want to lose him.

  "Come on," Marc said. "The boat is waiting."

  I blinked away tears. "Just give me a minute, please.”

  Johnny took my hand in both of his and spoke in a voice thick with emotion.

  "Thank you, for everything." He looked down at our joined hands. "I owe you so much."

  I shook my head and managed to choke out, “I’d do it all over again."

  He looked at me, emotion clear on his face.

  I decided to go for it. What did I have to lose? With everything we'd been through, the last hour on this boat included, it wasn't too farfetched to tell him. It didn’t matter if he didn’t share my feelings, I was past caring about embarrassing myself. The words had been burning inside of me for too long, and if I didn’t say them now, I’d never get another chance. If there was even a one percent chance those little words could make a difference I needed to take that chance, no matter the cost.

  "I love you," I said it before I had a chance to change my mind. The moment I said it I realized the words couldn’t possibly have the effect on him as I’d hoped. How many times per day had he heard girls screaming it to him? I was just one of millions in line to declare their so-called love for him.

  “Not as a fan,” I quickly added. Knowing I should shut the hell up, I went on anyway. “I love you.” My cheeks burned with heat and I couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze.

  "I don't deserve that."

  My head snapped up and my eyes widened as I stared at him. That wasn't what I’d expected to hear. Truth was, I didn't know what I’d hoped for. For him to say thanks? That he would say it back?

  Keep on dreaming, my mind taunted, he’s Johnny Grey for Christ’s sake, it added. I wanted to sink through the floor. What was I thinking? Who he was did matter. It was the main thing standing between us. It was why being with him was nothing more than an impossible dream.

  "Of course you do," I whispered. You're amazing, I wanted to add, but kept silent this time. He smiled then, and my heart melted at the sight of that beautiful grin. Then he reached out a hand, brushing his fingers over my cheek, catching a few tears with his thumb. He looked at me, those deep dark eyes burning into mine with so much emotion I had to look away. "Bree . . ." he began. “I—"

  Marc cut him off. "We have to go, now."

  Both Johnny and I looked at the man, irritated for being so abruptly interrupted. I looked back at Johnny, but the moment was gone. Whatever he’d been about to say was lost.

  "Brianna.” Marc grabbed my arm and dragged me to my feet. "The boat is waiting, say goodbye now," he said.

  It was obvious Marc knew the reason for the locked door, hell, the whole boat probably did, but I didn’t care. What made me wonder was Marc’s reaction to it all. He couldn't wait to get rid of me. The way he’d stormed inside when Johnny had unlocked the door; and the way he so abruptly kept on interrupting everything we wanted to say, just proved me right. I didn't understand, but I didn't dare to disobey.

  Johnny got up on his feet, holding on to the wall for support. All the strength he’d had earlier had vanished, but still, he took the few steps separating us. “Let her go," he said. Marc began to protest, but one glare from Johnny made him drop my arm, and I flung myself into his embrace.

  Then, all too soon, he loosened the grip and I had to do the same. Then one more kiss, and I was dragged away, up the stairs to the deck and down a ladder to the waiting dinghy.

  "I'm sorry." Marc’s voice was surprisingly soft. "But the last thing Johnny needs is another girl to fuck up his life. Do you understand that?"

  I blinked away tears, glaring up at the man. Not having enough energy to argue with him, I nodded, and wished I was back home on my farm. And soon I would be.

  Far away from Johnny, my inner voice added. Far, far away and you’ll never see him again.

  Shut up, I muttered. Just shut the hell up.

  The boat started with a jerk and then sped off. Marc stood on deck, staring at me as we left in different directions.

  Tears blurred my vision until I couldn't see. My knees buckled and I sank to the floor. Once I'd started crying, I didn't know how to stop. The memories were too present, too painful. I could still feel the taste of him on my lips, hear his soft voice whisper into my neck. The wind whipped my hair around and it flew into my face, filling my nostrils with that wonderful scent of his cologne. I buried my face into my hands to muffle the sobs that shook my body. Just minutes ago, I’d been in his arms, dreaming impossible dreams of a future that could never be meant for us.

  A comforting arm landed on my shoulders, and I glanced up with teary eyes into Rick’s boyish face.

  “Hey,” he said. “It’s not that bad.”

  I didn’t speak. What was I supposed to say? Did he expect me to agree with him? How did he know how I felt? He must’ve seen the look on my face because his own face mirrored my pain.

  “It is that bad, isn’t it?” he asked. “You really do love him, as you said back there?”

  I gave a trembling nod, then a sniffle.

  “And you think you’ll never see him again,” Rick added bluntly.

  A sob tore from my throat as his words cut like a blade into my already bleeding heart.

  “You know, Marc was right. Johnny shouldn’t be seen with another girl just yet. Not until this mess dies down; it wouldn’t help his case, if you know what I mean." He rested his hand on my trembling shoulder. "But after that, who’s to say you can’t see him
? He surely seems to fancy you.”

  When I still didn’t speak, Rick fell silent, too, and it probably was for the best. There was nothing to say; nothing that could make me feel better. What Rick was saying I’d already considered, then discarded. It was nothing but wishful thinking and hopeless dreams.

  I looked out across the water, trying to see the boat, but we’d gone too far away and a hill blocked the view of the port which I knew the bigger boat was heading to. I drew in a trembling breath. Soon we would reach land, and I’d have to get on with my life.

  “You should be safe here; it's not too far from your hotel and the room is already paid for.”

  How did he know which hotel I'd been staying at? And how was it paid for when I’ve been absent for days? Before I could ask, Rick gestured towards a small pier where only a few boats were moored. “No press, no paparazzi,” he smiled. “Cheer up sweetie, it'll be fine, you’ll see.”

  The boat hit the pier with a little bump, then it stopped, and I stood up on legs that wobbled as much as the moving water beneath us.

  “Take care now,” Rick said gently. “It was a pleasure getting to know you.” He gave me a hug.

  "Remember what I told you," he said as he moved away from me.

  I nodded in fake agreement. I had no intention of letting myself get my hopes up. This was it, and I knew it. Johnny was already gone. Anything Rick could tell me was a pointless attempt to try to make me feel better.

  “Can you tell Johnny—” My voice broke. “Tell him . . . I trust him.”

  Rick looked confused, but nodded at my request. “I’ll tell him.”

  “And—”

  “Yes?”

  “Just . . .” I racked my brain for the right thing to say. “Just . . . look after him, he’s—" What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t betray Johnny's trust, but I also wanted Rick to keep an eye on him when I couldn’t be there.

  Rick nodded. “I know, it’s tough on him.”

  Fresh tears sprung to my eyes. I nodded, choking back a sob. “I—"

  “Johnny will be fine. This shit will be over soon.” Rick gave me an encouraging smile. “He will be ok.”