Breathe

by Tania Trozzo

  “You’re welcome and thank you.” Clara decided she was going to do this her way. She was no longer confronting Jamie in class, she was going to do it after school. Now she just needed a few girls from the team to be there too. She approached Moira as soon as she came into the locker room. “Moira, can I talk to you a second?”

  “Hey Clara, sure. What’s up?”

  “Well, Coaches Rossi and Lawson want us to do that tournament and Jamie is dragging her feet. I need to meet with her a few minutes after school, but I was wondering if you could stay in the area. I need a witness. I don’t trust her, you know.”

  Moira looked at her sympathetically. “Yeah, I know. This tournament is important for all of us. Where are you meeting with her?”

  They spoke quickly about the details. She asked Amelia the same thing and she also agreed. Step 1 and 2 done. Now step 3: convince Jamie to meet with her. It was hard when she just wanted to smash Jamie’s face in the wall.

  “Jamie, we need to talk about the tournament.”

  Jamie looked at her and hesitated, “Yeah, of course. Sorry about that day but time got away from me.”

  “Yeah, whatever. We can meet after school today.”

  “Today? Well, I…”

  “Listen, Coach Lawson asked me about it and I didn’t know what to tell her. She wants a schedule in place by EOD tomorrow and we don’t have gym tomorrow. It will take us 10 minutes.”

  “Shit. She asked you?” Jamie questioned her.

  “Yeah, go talk to her if you want but she was not happy.” Clara told her as a matter of factly.

  “Yeah, ok. Right after school is fine. How about..”

  Clara interrupted her, “how about the back parking lot. I am parked there and I noticed you were too. I’ll bring a notebook, it will literally take us not even 10 minutes.”

  “Fine. Ok.” Jamie conceded. Step 3 finished.

  Clara knew she had to keep one of the others in the loop, she couldn’t depend on just Moira and Amelia. So she sent a group text to all of them. She knew she should text Gabe directly but she was being stubborn. She knew it but right now she didn’t care. As the day passed quickly, her anger grew. She was mad. At all of them. Jamie. Sarah. Bruno. Kristin. Gabe. Alex. Even Sonia and Connor. Ok, maybe not Connor after this morning. But the others. Screw them. She was taking this situation in her own hands and doing it her way. At least this part of it.

  When the day was finally over, she moved towards the parking lot. Both Moira and Amelia were on their way. Jamie was already there, leaning on her car.

  “Ok, let’s get this over with,” Jamie stated.

  “Sure,” Clara answered as she kept an intense stare on Jamie’s face.

  Jamie seemed uneasy. “Anyway, I was thinking Tuesdays and Thursdays for indoor practice.”

  “The gym is occupied those days. I asked. Only days are Mondays right after school and Wednesdays only for an hour. We could use the turf field for Friday weather permitting.” Clara answered her. It sounded arrogant.

  “Yeah, ok, then I guess that’s ok. We may need more practice leading up to the tournament. I can send an email to the coaches and let them know that this is the start, taking out the holidays etc. What else?” Jamie was nervous. Clara crossed her arms over her chest as she moved closer to Jamie.

  “Well, we can skip all this BS and talk about how you and the others decided to pretend kidnap me and leave me in the woods behind Bello Park.”

  “Wwhat are you talking about?” Jamie stuttered.

  “I was awake in the car and even though you were whispering I recognized your voice. You were sitting right next to me, tapping your foot on the floor repeatedly. You were nervous.”

  Jamie nervously laughed, “what are you talking about? I didn’t come to meet you that day.”

  Clara glared at her. “I KNOW it was you. I actually have no doubt. Whatsoever. I pleaded with you in those woods. Remember? You hesitated but you didn’t stop it.”

  “Clara, seriously. Why would I do that?”

  “Not sure. To scare me? To get me to leave school? To get my PTSD to kick in? Didn’t you say something about that? That you didn’t think I could fight?”

  “Clara, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Just stop.”

  But Clara didn’t. She took a step forward, “Did it make you feel better to see me with a pillow case over my head? Were you able to sleep at night when I begged you not to leave me?”Jamie was pale and quiet. “But you did leave, didn’t you?” Clara pushed her a little bit. “You left me with the guy who wanted to hurt me more. My bruises for you weren’t enough? Or the crying? You left me. All by myself. To save yourself. Aren’t team Captains supposed to protect the team?”

  “Clara, I..” she shook her head. Clara pushed her again.

  “Tell me, Jamie, how did it feel? Did it make you feel powerful?” Clara stepped closer again as Jamie stepped back.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Jamie hissed.

  And then Clara decided to use the one piece of information that she had figured out today. She could be wrong and all of this would blow up in her face but she went with her gut. “Lucas told me Jamie. He was driving the car. He couldn’t give me all three names so guess whose name he gave me?” Clara smirked.

  Jamie’s face turned ashen. “What? No, no he’s lying.” She started shaking her head.

  “Is he? He has a picture.” Clara was totally making this part up but it worked. Silence. Clara’s gaze never wavered.

  “Clara, I.. I didn’t mean for all of that to happen. I..”

  “What the fuck?” Jamie turned and there was Eva with Moira, Amelia and Lidia, a senior.

  “Seriously Jamie?” Moira asked and then turned to Clara. “Let me get this straight. Jamie with other people decided to fake kidnap you then left you in the dark in the woods?”

  Clara nodded, Jamie looked down.

  All 4 girls turned to Jamie but it was Eva that spoke. “Jamie, how could you? What the hell? That is low even for you! Why?”

  “Probably so she would quit the team. Or school all together, am I right Jamie?” Gabe asked her. Clara’s head whipped around, he was right behind her with Alex, Connor, Leo and Claudia.

  “It’s true. I heard her speak in the locker room with someone else but I didn’t know who it was. I went to get Leo.” Clara smiled at Claudia and nodded in thanks before facing Jamie and the other girls again.

  “Guys it was just a prank,” Jamie laughed but seemed very unsure of herself.

  “But you left me there, with a guy who threatened to hurt me. He insinuated that he would rape me and you left.” Clara said sternly. Moira and the others gaped at Jamie.

  “I don’t think he would have done what he said. He was trying to scare you.” Jamie said to Clara.

  “Maybe. Maybe not. You hesitated Jamie. You knew that he might do that but you still left. I begged you.” Clara claimed.

  “I wasn’t going to just leave. I would have gotten help for you just in case he had decided to take it too far. I would have texted someone.”

  “Bullshit.” All eyes turned to Moira. “You would have texted someone and given yourself away? Seriously?”

  Clara continued, “Even so, by the time you had found some way to let someone know I needed help, he could have done who knows what to me. You shouldn’t have left me there. Period.”

  “Agreed,” Moira stated as the others also murmured their agreement.

  Jamie exhaled and turned to the other girls, “It was supposed to be a stupid prank. For me it was just to put her in her place. It wasn’t supposed to end up like that.” She looked at Clara, “I didn’t expect you to fight back. I seriously thought you would just freeze. You heard me. I tried to remind them to just leave you and to go. But they wouldn’t listen. I left because I thought I could get you some help, s
ome way. I just didn’t know how. When I saw Alex and Leo looking for you, I was relieved but I obviously didn’t want to get caught.” She paused, “I didn’t mean for you to get hurt, especially physically or in the other way that he threatened.”

  “Other than Lucas, who was there?” The question came from Eva.

  “I, I can’t tell you guys who the other two were. I just can’t. If I do, then..I just can’t ok?” Jamie whispered the last part.

  “You do realize that sooner or later we will find out who it is, right?” Alex asked her.

  She nodded, “I know. But it can’t come from me.”

  “You’re not our captain anymore,” Lidia said. “I won’t take it to the principal because I’m sure that nothing will be done as usual. But you’re not the Captain. Step down or we’ll take it to Coach. You are seriously a piece of.... ” Lidia turned around and left.

  “Guys, I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry, doesn’t cut it. And you shouldn’t be saying sorry to us. You should be saying it to Clara,” Moira said. Tears were coming out of Jamie’s eyes and she wiped them away.

  Eva approached Clara and Jamie a bit closer, “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry Clara for what they did. It was so wrong.”

  Jamie looked at Clara, “I, I just..”

  “Just leave, Jamie. Go home for now. You’ve said enough.” Amelia went and hugged Clara, “Are you ok?” Clara nodded and Amelia turned to Jamie, “I’m with Lidia, step down or we take it to Coach.” She squeezed Clara’s hand and walked away.

  “Clara, please, I’m sorry. It got out of hand.” Jamie pleaded with her.

  Clara just looked at her and shook her head, “Just go.” Jamie’s eyes widened and then Gabe opened his mouth, “Say a word of what happened here now, and any consequence will be worse. Clear, Jamie?”

  Jamie nodded repeatedly and quickly left.

  Moira stared at Clara and shook her head, “I’ll have Eva talk to her. She won’t say anything. I’ll see you tomorrow Clara.” Moira kept looking at her and hesitating as if she wanted to say something but then she left. Eventually all that remained were Gabe, Alex and Connor. Clara took a deep breath. And another. She was going to cry and she didn’t want to. She shouldn’t feel sorry for Jamie. She shouldn’t after all that happened towards her. She felt Gabe’s hand on the small of her back and she stiffened for a second until she folded herself into his chest. He ran his hand up and down her back.

  “Are you ok?” he asked her. She instantly stiffened. For some reason that was the wrong thing to say.

  Flashbacks kept flowing in her mind of when she was found and that was ALL people asked her. “Are you ok?” She understood that they didn’t know what to say but after days of hearing the same thing she hadn’t been able take it anymore. One day, she started running until she was so out of breath she had to stop and she found herself in front of the karate school. She ran back home and told her uncle she wanted to go. He put her in the car, brought her back there and signed her up without asking any questions. Uncle Frank understood that he had to give her some power to take her life back.

  Clara closed her eyes briefly and when she reopened them, she pulled away from Gabe and glanced at the others before she said, “No, I’m not ok. I’m not fucking ok. Just stop…” She was becoming frantic and as she shook her head she declared, “stop asking me that.”

  She backed up as Gabe spoke, “Clara, just...”

  “I can’t Gabe. Not right now. Just leave me alone,” She responded. “Please.” She kept shaking her head and ran off towards the other end of the parking lot.

  As she turned her head she saw Gabe staring at her and Alex’s hand on his shoulder. Connor looked at her questionably. She shook her head and ran. He nodded in understanding and turned towards Gabe.

  ***

  Home. Thank goodness she found Rosie in the parking lot and she was able to take her home. She was silent most of the drive so she told Rosie she wasn’t feeling well. When she went through the door and heard silence, she let out a sigh of relief. There was no way she would be able to hide her mood from everyone. She changed into something comfortable and headed downstairs to the family room. Her phone beeped.

  Sonia: Are you ok?

  Clara: Honestly? Not really. Gabe call u?

  Sonia: Yeah he did but Rosie called me first. I’m on my way.

  Clara: Gabe tell u to come over lol? I’m fine.

  Sonia: He told me what happened. I’m not coming 4 G. I’m coming 4 u.

  Shortly after Sonia arrived. They both slumped on the couch close together. The TV was on and they pretended to watch it for a little while. Sonia just held her hand for what seemed like the longest time.

  “Want to talk about it?” Sonia asked her.

  “I guess I should, but no, I don’t feel like it,” Clara remarked. They both laughed. Clara sighed. “I feel like if I put it in words, I’ll just sound crazy.”

  “We are crazy. But try me out. I’m known to be a great best friend.” Sonia responded.

  “That you are.” Clara sighed and waited a few minutes before beginning. “I’m tired. I haven’t slept well in days. I’ve had nightmares and flashbacks. Not every night but close. I guess what happened just brought back some bad memories.”

  Sonia turned to her and grasped her hand, “I know there’s more that you have to say but why didn’t you say anything? I think that’s normal. You could have told Gabe that. You should. He would probably climb through your window and slay your dragons while you slept,” Sonia laughed.

  Clara looked away from her. “I’m not used to this,” Clara whispered as she leaned back on the couch. “Yes, I have an amazing family that loves me but I always try not to burden them. For the most part I’ve always put up this front that I was OK. One look from Gabe and I feel as though I’m stripped bare. No walls left to defend myself. And it scares me.” Clara paused before continuing, “What if I get used to all of this and then he realizes I’m too much hassle? Because lately everything is like a whirlwind inside of me. And I don’t know what I feel. I don’t know exactly what I need. It’s like I want to depend on him and I don’t. I’m constantly fighting this war inside trying not to need him so much.” Tears slipped from her eyes before she continued, “Because I do. I need him and it scares me shitless. I know he isn’t like the other guys I’ve dated. I know that. But this morning I felt like an outsider not knowing all that was going on. They did this to me and you guys have this plan to get them back and I don’t even know it! Then Kristin calling him and talking to him at school, the way she approached him this morning? And then later in the hallway. You weren’t there, she was all over him.” She groaned, “this green eyed monster came out, I swear I would’ve gauged her eyes out if I could. What the hell?”

  Sonia gave her tissue and held her hand, “So, you’re tired, cranky, overwhelmed, angry, a little insecure and to top it all off, you’re feeling possessive. Am I right?” And after a beat of silence they both started chuckling.

  “I told you I was feeling crazy.”

  “You’re not crazy, Clara. You’re overwhelmed but this time you have people backing you up. It’s like you were walking on 2 feet and now you’re caterpillar and have a lot of feet.”

  “That has to be the strangest analogy ever, Sonia.”

  Sonia laughed and Clara leaned her head on her shoulder. “Yeah, strange but it makes sense, right? I’m sorry because I should’ve told you what my plan was but when we discussed it you said you trusted me and I thought it was one less thing for you to think of.” Sonia paused a few moments and added, “I know I don’t often talk about what happened to me or about my relationship with my mom. But it’s because I’ve decided to focus on what I do have. I have an amazing brother and cousin, my dad is getting it, my uncle fights for me and now I have a few extra friends and a fucking rocking best friend that I never thought I would have.
I’m not saying to ignore what you’re feeling, because I think that’s what you did in the past. Now it’s all coming to a head, good and bad. You’re afraid that it’s going to scare people away but it won’t.”

  “Anyone tell you should be a psychologist when you’re older? Where the hell did that come from?” Clara lifted her head.

  “While you were at soccer practice I’ve been watching Dr. Phil,” Sonia said grinning.

  “You’re pretty good at this best friend stuff.”

  “Thanks. I’ve always been a bitch to most girls so that means a lot.” They both laughed.

  “It’s hard to rely on people that aren’t family. Friends can choose not to want to be with you and stop being your friend,” Clara confessed.

  “I know. I get it. Its going to take time getting used to it. The guys took care of things when everything went down with me and I’m glad they took it off my plate. Look at it this way. What if I were in your shoes? Would you just sit back?”

  “I would have beaten the crap out of them,” Clara said hastily.

  “Wow,” Sonia laughed, “but see, you would do anything to defend me, right? You’re genuine and pure so you fight back the simple way. With words like you did today by confronting Jamie. With fists to defend yourself or someone you care about. Gabe, Alex, and I have learned to fight back differently with certain people. There are times we’ve had to be cunning and sly. I think in a way we don’t want to show you that side of ourselves. I guess we’re worried that you would look at us differently. We also know that it might weigh on your conscience. Even if they are the bad guys. But you’re one of us and we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. I know that sometimes people say the best revenge is to move on. But Sarah and Bruno, they would try something again, I know it and so do the guys. They need to be taken care of.”

  Clara wiped her eyes and nodded. “I wouldn’t think less of any of you for getting back at them. They started it.”