by Willow Aster
“Why sure, Caroline, I’ll be right with you.” Miss Sue finishes with Mr. Davidson and walks around the counter and leads me to a booth.
“Now. What can I help you with?” She smiles into my eyes. Her eyes crinkle in the corners when she smiles and her cheeks burst out on each side.
“I, uh...I saw that you would like some help and I’m...I wonder if maybe I could help you...you know, work here…” I’m overcome with nervousness. I think I really need this job.
“Oh, sweetie, that is so nice of you. But I was kinda thinkin’ of someone a little...well, older. You know, someone who can be here past summer vacation…”
“I thought you might say that, but-” I lean in and say softly, “I really need this job, Miss Sue. I really do. And I can wash dishes. I can cook. I can clean better than most adults. I’m always on time. I can stay late. Whatever you need, really. Even after school starts back up, I could still come in…before and after. I will work really hard.” I run out of breath talking so fast.
Her face is hard to read as she looks at me. I’m afraid she’s going to say no, when she finally speaks.
“Well, for you maybe I’d rethink this. I believe you would be a good little worker. And I started myself when I was...really young. This job won’t pay much, but I sure could use your help. I lost my best help last week and I can’t seem to catch up.”
“Oh, thank you, Miss Sue! You won’t regret it!”
“How old are you, anyway?” she asks, grinning. “And how do your parents feel about you working here?”
I must confess I do contemplate fudging my age a little bit, for several reasons, but figure she would find out the truth eventually. I’ve known her my whole life, so if she really thought about it, she could probably figure it out herself.
“I’m fifteen,” I say with pride. “And my parents are fine with it.”
“Well, I’ll be. Seems like the last time I asked, you were eleven. I thought you were maybe thirteen now. Fifteen is just fine.” She studies me for a minute. “And you could pass for even older. You sure are tall. Are you sure you want to work here? It’s hard work. Wouldn’t you rather be out, enjoying your summer vacation?”
“I really do want this job, Miss Sue. I mean it. Besides, my parents both work all day...they would actually like me to be busy with something.” I don’t know where that came from, but it seems to settle it in her mind.
“Well, I tell you what, let’s give it a try, why don’t we. I’ll give you cash once a week. You’ll start out washing dishes. We’ll see how that goes. It’s busy around here, are you sure you can keep up?”
I nod. “I’m sure.”
She pats me on the shoulder and says, “When can you start?”
“Well, I should go home and let my dog out. But then I can come back if you’d like.”
Miss Sue lets out a loud laugh that nearly shakes the windows and says, “Well, all right then, it’s a deal!”
I race home and take Josh for a quick walk, trying to hurry him up. He seems particularly slow today, stopping to sniff every flower, every bush, and every post.
ONCE I’VE DROPPED off Josh and have almost reached the diner again, I cross Third Street, just before Main. Out of habit, I look down to Pope Street and stop dead in my tracks. In front of the bank, my mom is getting out of Mr. Anderson’s car. She tosses her head back and it’s too far to hear her, but I know because I know her like I know myself: she’s laughing. She’s happy. She’s with Mr. Anderson.
I run to Main Street, past Harriet’s, past the school, and finally reach the river. I’m crying and my nose has started dripping. I can’t breathe and I fall on the dirt by the water. As the tears fall, I realize how much hope I’ve put into my mama and daddy coming back together. I’m so confused...why aren’t they coming home?
“Caroline...Caroline?”
I look up to see Thomas standing over me. He leans down until he’s squatting in front of me at eye level.
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh, Thomas…” I hate crying in front of anyone, but I can’t stop. He leans over and hugs me while I let my tears fall on his white cotton shirt.
He’s quiet as I cry and when I come to my senses, I jump up. “Sorry, I got your shirt all wet.”
“Don’t worry about that. I’m worried about you. What’s going on? You can tell me.”
“I’m sorry, Thomas. I have to go.” I turn around and run as fast as I can.
I hear him calling my name as I run, but I don’t look back. I run back to the diner, sneak in the back door, and go in the bathroom. I rinse my face. You have to calm down. This doesn’t mean anything. You have to stay calm. Everything is going to be all right. You have work to do.
I try to smooth down my hair. My hair is in crazy ringlets from all the humidity. I blow my nose and tuck my shirt into my skirt. I still look a mess, but I go out the bathroom door and straight to the kitchen. There’s a pile of dishes and I begin washing them.
There’s a black lady standing by the large stove. She has a kerchief over her hair and is humming as she works. I notice the pile of orders sitting beside her. As she expertly turns over burgers, she’s also toasting bread, making pancakes, an omelet and a tuna melt. She barely looks my way, but says her name is Ruby and that it’s nice to have my help. I thank her and get to work. I have the kitchen looking spotless when Miss Sue walks in, wiping her hands on her apron.
“Caroline! I didn’t even know you were back! Look at this kitchen! Good heavenly days, child, you weren’t kiddin’! The place looks great. Look at her go, Ruby.”
“You ain’t kiddin’. The child hadn't stopped since she got here,” Ruby comments.
I just keep working, busying myself with the mop. Betty Jo, the waitress, brings dirty dishes back every few minutes. She whistles at the clean floor. I barely hear them; I just focus on cleaning. I don’t realize how quickly time flies. I’m mopping the floor for the umpteenth time and jump when Miss Sue puts her hand on my shoulder.
“Honey, it’s eight o’clock, you need to be getting home.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize it was so late.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry about that, I didn’t mean to have you stay this long. We just had such a busy stretch there.”
“It’s okay.”
“Tomorrow I’ll just have you work 7-2. How does that sound? You can eat your breakfast and lunch here. In fact, any time you’re working here, Ruby will fix you something to eat, so don’t worry ’bout packin’ lunches.” She gives me her huge grin. “And tomorrow, I’ll make sure you take breaks. Don’t want to wear you out before you even get started.”
“Thank you.”
I wash my hands, say goodnight and start the walk home. The sun is fading, but it’s still shining. All the shops are closed and the bank has been closed for hours. I still look at the bank parking lot when I pass Third Street, looking for my mom or Mr. Anderson’s car. I don’t see either and try not to hope for her to be home when I get there.
Josh dances his jig when I walk in the door, and I go outside with him for a few minutes. My bones are aching; my back is tired. My hands still look like prunes from all the dishwashing.
I look in the telephone book and find Mr. Anderson’s number. I pick up the phone and dial his number. He picks up on the fourth ring.
“Hello?”
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I put the phone down and sit in a dark living room, waiting...wishing...hoping.
IT’S THE MIDDLE of the night when I wake. It feels a little cooler in here than before I fell asleep. I think Mama might have come home. Please tell me I’m not dreaming.
I sit up and look around the room. I see her shoes and her purse. Oh, thank you, God. She has come home. I go to her room and crack the door. She’s in the bed, sleeping. I stand over her, looking at her long hair laid out on the pillow. She looks beautiful lying there. I forget that I hate her and only remember how much I love her and how glad I am that she’s finally home.
I WAKE UP extra early the next morning, before the sun rises. I was afraid to go back to sleep last night...afraid I would wake up and she would be gone again. When I go into the kitchen, I’m surprised to see my mother sitting at the table, in a pretty new dress. She absently fingers a few twenty-dollar bills.
She looks up when I enter the room, and her eyes are tired with circles around them. “Caroline-” she says.
I sit down beside her and don’t say anything.
“I had to go away for a bit. I needed to talk to your father and figure things out with Grant.”
I try not to move. I want her to tell me everything.
“Your daddy’s not coming back, Caroline. I know you probably think that it’s my fault, but I’ve tried. I’ve really tried…”
I’m holding my breath, willing myself not to cry. He was supposed to come home with her. We were supposed to be a family again. The tears begin running down my cheeks.
“He can’t stop drinking. I can’t make him stop. And Grant, well, he appreciates me, Caroline. I haven’t had anyone take care of me for a long time.” She’s crying now.
What have I been doing all this time? I want to yell.
She goes on. “I’ve been a good wife and a good mother. I’ve sacrificed a lot for this family. I could have had a real career if I’d left a long time ago. Do you know that? But I stayed here, with your father, in this God-forsaken town. It’s draining me dry, it really is.” She’s picking up steam now. “You know I love you, Caroline, but you’re old enough—you’re able to look out for yourself and I need some time. I just need time on my own...for a little while.”
I can barely speak, but I need to know. “Where are you going?”
She has a far off look in her eyes. I wonder for the first time if my mom has completely lost her mind. But then she looks at me. She wipes her tears, smiles and puts her hand on my cheek.
“Oh, I won’t be gone long. Don’t worry. Don’t cry, honey. You’re going to be fine here. I’ll check on you often. Just keep doin’ how you have been—you’ve been taking good care of everything. I’ll be back before you know it. I really just came back to talk to you about all this. I felt bad that I left without explaining anything, but you were ignoring me there before I left.”
“Please don’t go, Mama. I’m sorry I ignored you. I was just mad at you about Mr. Anderson. Please stay home. It’s so hard to be a-”
“Shhh, shhh, that’s enough of that whinin’. I promise you I will be back before you know I’m gone. I just need to…take care of myself for once and get my strength back.”
That’s when I notice her suitcase by the door. She’s leaving me today. I’m so stunned, I hold onto her arm, and beg. “Please, Mama, please don’t go. I can’t stand it in this house by myself. Please—please don’t leave me here.”
“Hush, child. What is all this carryin’ on? When you’re at school, we hardly see each other anyway. I work all day. It’s just a few hours in the evening that we’d even be together. I should have just stayed gone.”
“No! No, I’m so glad you came back. And I will work harder. I know it was hard when Daddy was drinking, but now he’s gone and it can just be the two of us.” I hate the desperate tone in my voice, but I can’t stop.
“Listen, Caroline Josephine. That is enough. I need you to quit this hissy fit and listen to me. I have to go. You are going to stay here, watch the house, take care of that dumb dog and not say a word to anyone about it. I’m not ready for the whole town to know about me and Grant. And he’s not quite ready for you yet. It’s enough that Miss Greener knows, but she won’t tell anyone. She knows better. If your dad finds out about Grant, now, that’s another story—we wouldn’t get a dime. Do you understand? So look at me…” She lifts my chin and looks into my eyes. “You’re going to suck it up, be the strong girl I raised you to be, and when I get back we’re going to be just fine. Do you hear me?”
I can’t move. She’s still gripping my chin. “I said, ‘Do you hear me?’”
I blink and that’s enough for her. I can’t believe this is happening. She seems completely sober, so I can’t blame alcohol this time.
She stands, picks up her suitcase, and walks out the door.
I run to the door, embarrassed at myself, but desperate to keep her. “Mama!” I yell, sobbing. “Everyone knows. Everyone already knows about Mr. Anderson. Please, Mama!”
She doesn’t even turn around, but gets in her car and leaves me standing there. Alone. Again.
I sit on the front step and pound on the concrete. The love I felt for her last night is gone. I pummel the ground until my fists are sore. Finally, I stand up and walk in the house, get in the shower and let the water wash over me and my bloody hands.
I wish I could have been good enough for my mother to love me.
If I had known what would end up bringing her back though, I would have wished her to be gone for keeps.
AFTER ALL THE drama of the morning, I’m still at work with ten minutes to spare. The shower took care of some of my splotches, but I still look puffy in the eyes. I walk to Harriet’s and pray that I can stay dry-eyed as I work.
I s’pose I wouldn’t have to work since Mama left the money on the table. I counted it before I left and there’s a hundred dollars still sitting on the dining room table.
I really want to go to Harriet’s, though. I’m craving company—to hear people talking to each other, to be useful to someone else, for really anything other than sitting in my house, wishing the day away. I think, deep down, I also want to prove to my mother that I really am just fine without her. She wanted me to take care of myself. I will show her that I can do just that.
I’m standing outside the diner, when I see Isaiah and three of his uncles drive by in a big blue truck. Isaiah is in the back of the truck and he yells, “Caroline!” He grins and waves until the truck turns and he’s out of sight. It does my heart good to see him.
I go in the diner and am surprised by how many people are already there. It seems practically the whole town comes here for breakfast. I rush to the back and get started washing dishes. I let myself get lost in the work and try not to replay the conversation with my mother over and over again.
Miss Sue calls me out to the eating area a few hours later and asks me to clean out there for a while. Everyone is friendly and asks about my parents. It’s the southern way, but I’ve never been more uncomfortable with it.
“Caroline, how are you doing? I haven’t seen you in a while. How’s your mama? Your daddy?”
They barely wait for an answer, just asking the routine questions you ask someone when you see them.
I try to duck the answers, while still smiling and being cordial back. My mother has taught me well, after all.
When things slow down a little, I mop the floor of the dining room until it’s clean as a whistle, as Nellie says. Les and Leroy come in then and walk right up to me.
“Hey, chickadee. What have we here? You workin’ at Harriet’s now? How ’bout that?” Leroy grins.
He takes my mop and does a little dance with it. I try in vain to grab it back.
“What? Whatcha wanna do that for?” He holds it out for me and when I reach for it, he pulls it back. Les thinks this is hysterical and that makes Leroy want to keep pestering me.
Miss Sue is busying herself behind the counter. I can tell she’s nervous about them being in the diner, but she tries to act like she’s not watching.
“Caroline, I need your help in the kitchen,” she calls.
“Oh, that’s convenient,” Leroy says. “What time you get done here? Maybe we can walk you home.” He snickers. “Or is Isaiah already takin’ care of that?” He shakes his head as he says this and leans into my ear. “Maybe I can beat Isaiah here and have you to myself? Would you like that?” He sticks his tongue in my ear. I leap back, wiping my ear and unable to keep the disgusted look off my face.
Miss Sue didn’t see the last part because she went in the back to get R
uby. When Ruby comes out of the kitchen, the boys say, “Hey, Ruby.”
“Hey, yourself. Leave Miss Caroline alone, Leroy, you hear? Now sit down, you here to eat or not?”
“Yeah, make us some of them pancakes of yours,” Les says.
Leroy smiles cockily at Ruby and says to me, “I’ll deal with you later.”
Ruby backs into the kitchen, saying, “Come on, Miss Caroline. Help me back here.” I can see in her eyes that they make her nervous, too.
“Oh, come on, let Caroline serve us…” Leroy pipes up.
I go back in the kitchen with Ruby and pick up the dishcloth. She starts the pancakes.
“Them boys...they need to be smacked upside the head. They’s been on they own for as long as I can remember, though. Never did find their way.” She shakes her head. “I don’t agree with how they acting ‘round here, but I sho do think the blame goes to they folks. I guess I can’t talk, I don’t have no children myself.” She smiles at me then.
I smile back. Her eyes are kind.
LES AND LEROY are long gone when I go out of the kitchen. The lunch crowd comes and I go back and forth from the kitchen to the diner. It’s 2 o’clock before I know it, but I don’t want to leave. I haven’t had lunch yet, so I ask Miss Sue if I can have Ruby make me something for lunch.
“Why, of course, honey. I can’t believe you didn’t eat! Tomorrow, you make sure you eat, now. Ruby will make up whatever you want. You don’t have to check with me a’tall.”
Ruby is happy to make me some pancakes. I can’t stop moaning as I eat them. So divine. I go on about them and Ruby is so pleased, she makes me more.
“Child, how long it been since you ate?” she asks after I’ve been eating a while.
“I guess I have a hearty appetite, Miss Ruby.” I lie. I didn’t realize how hungry I really was until I began eating.
“Oh, I’s just plain ol’ Ruby,” she says with a grin.
“I’m just plain Caroline too,” I tell her.