by Willow Aster
Distracted, I walk past Thomas without even knowing it. “Caroline!” he calls.
I stop and turn around and Thomas is standing across the street in front of the school field waving. He’s still dressed in his baseball uniform. The guys from the team play throughout the summer, usually after supper when the day has cooled.
I wave back and he crosses the street to meet me.
“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks, studying my face.
I’m embarrassed that I left our last conversation crying. I haven’t seen him since then and he looks so worried.
“I came to your house yesterday, looking for you. I was worried about you after the other day. Is everything all right?”
“Sorry to worry you. I got a job!” I smile brightly, trying to change the subject.
“Really? Where? Why do you need a job?” He wrinkles his nose. “It’s summer break. You need to be hanging out with me—Clara Mae, too—before we leave. You know we’re leaving for our trip soon. If you’re working all the time, the summer will be gone.”
“Well, I can hang out sometime in the afternoon. And evenings, too…”
“Good, how about coming over right now?” With this, he takes my hand and starts walking toward his house.
I stumble a bit to catch up with him and he doesn’t let go. While we walk, I’m a bit confused about why he’s still holding my hand but too nervous to let go. I’m still a little shy around him. He must still be feeling sorry for me, not knowing why I was so upset a few days ago.
“Well, I guess I could come over for a while.” I laugh. I don’t think I have much choice in the matter.
We walk past the oak trees, past the white Victorian on the corner, and past Mrs. Stanley’s rosebushes. My heart stops cold as I see Leroy and Les ride by us on their bikes. I begin to walk faster, hoping they won’t see me.
Leroy turns his bike around and drives past us another time, looking me in the eyes…letting me know he has seen me. I can’t explain it, but I feel a sick, cold dread in the pit of my stomach and want to be sick. His eyes pierce into mine and I glance away quickly, unable to look at him any more.
Thomas doesn’t seem to notice Leroy. He’s still holding my hand. In fact, he laces his fingers in mine, and I think my heart is going to beat right out of my chest. What’s going on here?
Leroy rides off with Les, and I breathe a little easier. But I’m still sweating over the encounter. I look up at Thomas and he’s gazing at me with a look I don’t recognize. Not from him, anyway.
We get to the edge of his driveway and he stops. He turns me to face him, lightly holding onto my arm.
“Caroline, can we talk for a minute before we go inside?”
“Sure, Thomas. What’s up?” I look at him, and for a moment I’m afraid that he knows everything. He looks nervous.
“Well, it’s just—we’ve known each other for a long time. Forever, really. And I know that you’re a lot younger than me and everything—even though you seem so much older than Clara Mae…” He looks at me as if expecting me to say something, but I really have no clue where he’s going with this.
He stutters along. “I know since you’re close to Clara Mae it could seem weird, but I think she’d be totally fine with it. You’re her favorite person in the world. I just—well, I just really, really like you and...I want to know if you like me. I think you do, but we’ve never talked about it...and I want to know if you would like to...go steady…” He stops then and takes a deep breath.
I’m stunned. I don’t know the first thing to say. I take a step back, open my mouth to speak and nothing comes out. What I wouldn’t give for a mother right about now. Somehow I think she would know the right thing to say in a time like this.
I try again, opening my mouth to form a word, but shut it again.
Thomas moves his hand down my arm, holding my hand again and says, “Caroline? Did you hear what I said?”
I nod my head.
He smiles, the light reaching his eyes. It’s plain to see why every girl in town is smitten with him. Even Miss Greener flirts with Thomas Owens when she sees him.
“Do you have anything you’d like to say?”
I take a deep breath and say, “Wow, Thomas, you’ve shocked me with this one.”
Brilliant, I know, but it’s all I can come up with.
“Really? I thought you always knew how I felt about you.”
“No!” I laugh, feeling a bit hysterical. “Not really! I can’t say I ever really thought this!”
His smile fades just a little, and he shakes my hands with his. “You do like me, though, don’t you?”
“I like you so much, Thomas. I’ve just never thought of you...like that,” I admit.
He lets go of my hands then and when I look in his eyes, I’m horrified to see the shadow that has crossed over his features.
I grab his hands back, wanting to make him happy again. “Thomas, please don’t be upset with me! Please. I never meant to hurt you. I just never knew. I never knew you...I guess I’m just…you know, younger than you think…” I stop because I realize that I’m not too young to know how I feel about him, and I would never want to say something that I didn’t feel.
“I love both you and Clara Mae. You are so important to me. Please! Let’s stay how we are,” I plead with him, now shaking his hands in mine.
He gives me an awkward smile and says, “I’ll always be your friend, Caroline. And,” he leans down and whispers in my ear, “I’ll wait for you to feel the same. Maybe in a couple years you’ll be ready for me.” With that, he gives me a full smile and kisses my cheek.
We go in the house, and Mrs. Owens is in the kitchen. I think she lives in there.
“Caroline! So good to see you, honey! How’s your summer goin’?”
“Pretty well. I’ve been staying busy. I’m working at Harriet’s now.”
“Oh my! Well, that’s great! Just don’t work so hard that you can’t still come see us.”
“No way. I can always make time to come over here.”
To me, Mrs. Owens is the personification of a beautiful lady. Her hair is blonde, her eyes are a deep green and when she laughs, her whole face lights up. She loves her children and this may be what I find the most beautiful. Her feelings for them are evident in the way she looks at them and talks to them. She makes me feel special too, each time I’m here.
“Why don’t you plan on coming over as often as you can before we leave for our trip?” She suggests as she spoons large spoonfuls of cookie dough on a tray.
“That sounds really nice.”
“Clara Mae!” Mrs. Owens calls. “Caroline is here!”
Clara Mae comes bounding out of her room and hurries over to hug my neck. She immediately launches into what she’d like to do now that I’m here. I look over at Thomas and he’s watching us from his stool at the counter. He looks dejected, and I feel bad that I made him sad.
I stay in Clara Mae’s room most of the night. We listen to our favorite records and dance around singing in her hairspray bottles. We collapse on her bed in giggles when she does a particularly clumsy dance move.
“Why don’t you just spend the night, Caroline? I know it would be fine with my mom.”
“Oh, I wish I could, but I should get going to let Josh out.” I really do wish I could stay. “It’s been so much fun.”
“Aw, let your parents do it for once. Come on, stay!”
“I can’t. You know, I actually better get going now. It’s getting dark out.”
“Shoot. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She pouts.
“I’ll come back soon, I promise. How about day after tomorrow?” I ask.
“Okay.” She gives in. “Come on, I’ll ask Thomas to walk you home.”
“No! I mean—it’s no trouble! I can get home by myself.”
“He won’t mind.” And before I can say another word, she’s yelling, “Thomas! Thooooomas!”
He comes out of his room, freshly showered and in
his sweatpants and jersey.
“Can you walk Caroline home? She needs to get home to let Josh out.”
“It’s really not a big deal, Thomas. I can walk home myself,” I insist.
“Don’t be silly. Of course, I’m walking you home.”
I tell Mr. and Mrs. Owens good night and we start the walk home.
It isn’t a far walk, but it feels like forever because neither of us says a word the entire walk home. When we finally reach my door, I turn to tell Thomas thank you for walking me home and the next thing I know, he’s kissing me. What in the world?
This is a kiss altogether different from Isaiah’s kiss. I can tell Thomas has done this before. I really don’t know what to do. Why I don’t just push him away, I don’t know, but I have it ingrained in me not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Guilt washes over me, but I just let him go on and kiss me. When he tries to get a bit more serious about it, I push him back.
“Sorry, Caroline,” he says. He turns and runs down the road.
WELL, THIS SURE puts a kink in things. All night, I lie awake thinking about Thomas professing his feelings, the kiss, and Isaiah. Then I go back to the kiss…
Clara Mae and I have talked about kissing quite a bit. We’re big fans of romantic movies and have studied kissing extensively. When we found out that tongues are actually involved—again from Jody, the fount of all worldly knowledge—we didn’t watch our favorite movies for a while. Then, when we did, we tried to determine if we could see it happening there on the screen. It almost ruined the whole thing for us.
So when Thomas tried it on me, I was curious about it, but appalled. I can’t believe he likes me and that he kissed me. I mean, really kissed me!
I would hate for Isaiah to ever find out. He would be so upset. I would die if I knew he had kissed someone else. And even though I know my feelings haven’t changed for Isaiah, I can’t help but feel that I caused this to happen with Thomas. I must have done something to make him think I liked him. And I must have made him think he could kiss me. And then for me to not stop him right away!
I toss and turn all night. I don’t think I can live with this guilt.
WHEN I REACH Harriet’s, I’m weary before I’ve even begun to work. I know my eyes have dark circles under them and try as I may, I can’t keep my shoulders from slumping as I walk into the kitchen.
“Mercy, girl, what is wrong with you?” Ruby, I have learned, is not one to mince words.
“Oh, just a few things,” I say.
“Lay it on me,” she says. “Or do you just need some of Ruby's good ole breakfast?”
“Let’s start with the breakfast.” I sigh. I have fifteen minutes until the rush. Ruby has a plate of scrambled eggs, toast and bacon made up for me in no time. I eat and gradually feel a tiny bit better.
“Do you ever wish you could just go back to being a child? I mean a really little child—where everything is just easy?” I chew my eggs and look at Ruby, who has stopped cooking to look at me with a strange expression.
“Honey, you is a child. What you got to be all worried about? Now, when I was yo age, I worked hard, but that was just what we do. Now, times is a’changin’. You come in here and you work, and I can tell this is not a new thing for you neither. You work just as hard as I ever did. What I don’t know, is why is you carryin’ so much weight on those shoulders? Yo mama and daddy work hard. Why you here at Harriet’s, honey? And lookin’ so tired all the time.”
“It’s a long story, Ruby.”
“Well, if you ever is up to telling me, I will be right happy to listen.”
Just then, Miss Sue comes in with several orders and we get to work.
IN THE AFTERNOON, Harriet’s is full. A bus of elderly folks comes through town and we serve right through the afternoon. Miss Sue asks me to help Betty Jo carry all the food out in between washing dishes and cleaning tables. I’m cleaning a table when I see Thomas walk in and sit at the counter. I blush when I see him, and it seems to amuse him.
“Hi, Caroline.” He grins.
“Hi, Thomas.”
I busy myself wiping the table across from him until it sparkles.
“You look pretty today.”
“Thank you.”
I go clean the table furthest from him and when I come back by the counter, he’s still watching me.
“I came by to invite you to our house tomorrow night. It’s my birthday and I’d like it if you came.” Thomas looks a little unsure as he says this.
“Okay,” I say softly. Then I lean over and whisper in his ear, “But no more kissing, Thomas. Okay?”
And before he can answer, I go in the back to tackle the dishes.
When I’m done washing, I go back out and Thomas is gone. A few customers ask for coffee, and I don’t have time to think about him as it gets busier.
I enjoy talking to all the different people that come through. In my short time at Harriet’s, I’ve already met a lot of folks that I’ve only seen around town but never talked to until now. Already they’re calling me by name and asking how my day is going as I walk by their table.
I work late, until six. This time, Miss Sue doesn’t apologize. She seems to realize I enjoy the work and that she won’t hear complaints from my parents. She’s appreciative of how hard I work, and I’m glad I have something to keep me busy. When I open the door to leave, the hot air rushes to my face and I realize I’ve missed a whole day of being outside. But I don’t mind…it feels nice to be appreciated.
I take a chance and walk past Isaiah’s house. He’s outside, playing basketball with a couple other boys. I stand watching them play until Isaiah notices me. He hands the ball off to someone else and runs up to me.
“Hey! How’s it goin’?” His grin stretches across his entire face.
“It’s good. I’m just on my way home from Harriet’s. I worked late today. It was busy all day long.”
“Wait one sec. Let me tell my mom where I’m going and I’ll walk you home.”
“Okay! How ’bout I wait over there?” I point across the street. “I can sit on the other side of that fence until you come.”
He nods. “I’ll be right over.” He runs in the house while I walk across the street and around the corner. I sit down and lean my back against the fence. It has been a while since I sat down. My feet ache.
A few minutes pass and I hear Isaiah tell the guys he has to go. Their protests carry down the road. For a moment, I debate telling him what has been happening with Thomas, but the next thing I know he’s in front of me and I just want to enjoy his company.
“Ready?” He pulls my hands until I’m standing. I look up into his face that I know so well and know for me there will never be another. I forget everyone and everything when I’m with Isaiah.
Once we’re in the clearing past his house, he takes my hand again and we walk the last stretch hand in hand. My heart pounds as he laces his fingers through mine. Everything else fades as we walk. I want to stretch out our time for as long as possible. Talking about our day, I tell him how much fun I’m having at Harriet’s and how much I like Ruby. He tells me what he’s liking and disliking about going out with his uncles every day.
We don’t hear Leroy until he’s in front of us. We stop because he has pulled his bike around so we can’t go any further. I let go of Isaiah’s hand and wait for everything to fall apart.
“So, it’s just like I thought,” Leroy says. “You’s playin’ it both ways, ain’t ya.”
I know then that I should have told Isaiah about Thomas before Leroy ruins everything.
Leroy looks angry and I’m terrified. I have no idea what he’ll do next. He gets off his bike and circles us. He’s the same height as Isaiah and gets in his face. “You think you’re something—carryin’ on with this high and mighty trash. Let me tell you somethin’, it ain’t gon’ work.”
He leans over into my face then. “Why you wanna waste time on these boys? I show you the real thing.” He grabs my chin hard when he says this.
“Leave her alone, man,” Isaiah puts his hand on Leroy’s arm. “Leave her alone.”
“Shut up, I ain’t talkin’ to you.” He yanks my hair back until I’m looking at him. He’s pulling my hair so hard, I’m disgusted with myself that the tears are rolling down my cheeks, giving away my fear.
Isaiah hits Leroy in the gut, hard enough to make Leroy drop his grip on my hair. I quickly move back. Isaiah then barrels into Leroy, knocking him on the ground while they pummel each other. Isaiah gets a few hits in, but Leroy is an experienced fighter and he gains ground fast. Blood is flying, splattering on the dirt and grass and my shoe. I feel helpless, watching Isaiah getting hurt. When Leroy gets the upper hand, I see a stick on the side of the road and grab it. I hit Leroy over the back with a hard thwack. He yelps and rolls off of Isaiah. Isaiah jumps up, grabbing my hand, and we run to my house.
“This ain’t over. I’m not finished with you!” Leroy yells.
We get in the door and look out the window. Leroy slowly gets on his bike and rides away.
“He’s not going to let this go, you know,” I tell Isaiah.
“I know.”
He winces and then I take in how hurt he really is. His face looks awful. He has a black eye and there’s blood around his mouth and nose.
“Let’s get you cleaned up.”
We go into the kitchen and he washes his hands. I get the first aid kit and gingerly wipe his face.
“You need to go stay with your grandparents, Caroline.”
I stop wiping his cheek and think about this. If I go stay with them, I won’t be able to see Isaiah. Our long phone conversations will be over. The thought of that sounds worse than anything imaginable.
“I’ll try to come home from Harriet’s earlier. We just don’t need to be seen together for a while.”
“I don’t like you out here all alone, Caroline. It’s not a good idea. We’ve made him mad and now that he knows we’re together, he’s just gonna get worse. The best thing would be for you to go to Nellie’s and stay there until your parents come home. He knows where you live, Caroline.” He grips the counter as I wipe around the cuts on his eyebrow.