by Willow Aster
“My mom made me swear that I wouldn't let anyone know she’s gone. I can’t leave, Isaiah. She would kill me, especially if I went to my grandparents!”
“She’s not here! And you’re not safe! He’s not gonna leave you alone. I know you want to think the best about everybody, but he’s trouble.” His voice gets more panicked with every word.
“I know he’s trouble; it’s obvious that he’s trouble! But I can’t go to my grandparents. My mom could come back anytime and when she does, I need to have everything how she left it.”
“Caroline—” He shakes his head. “I admire you for so many things. But, you keep making excuses for your parents. It’s painful to see them hurt you over and over. Please, for me, do this. Let someone help you. Go to your Nellie’s house. We can think of something to tell your mother when that time comes.”
His pitying tone is the last straw. This is the first time I’ve ever been angry with him, and I don’t like it. “I’ll worry about that when the time comes. I can take care of myself, I’ve been doing just fine my whole life.”
His eyes flash and he looks hurt. “I know you have.” He stands up and looks me square in the face. “If you won’t let me help you, maybe you’ll let Thomas.”
“What are you talking about, how did-?” I stop before I say too much. I don’t want to tell him about Thomas when we’re upset with each other.
“It’s a small town, Caroline. Word gets around fast when the most popular kid in Tulma likes the prettiest girl in town. I think you’re probably the last to know how Thomas Owens feels about you.”
“He’s just a friend, Isaiah. I don’t like him like that. I told him that. I like you.” All my anger is gone in a rush. Now I’m just mortified that he knows about Thomas.
“I bet you didn’t tell him that.” His face is red and now he looks mad. Then he shakes his head. “I’m sorry, Caroline. I know you like me. I like you too. I love you. And that’s why…” He pauses and looks away. “I think we have to stop this now. It’s only going to get us in trouble. You’re meant to be with someone like Thomas anyway.”
“What are you saying? I told you—I don’t want to be with Thomas!”
“That may be true now, but you’re wasting your time with me. It’s never going to work for us, Caroline. We both know that deep down. We’re just kids, anyway…if we can’t even hang out in public now, what makes us think it will work later?”
He takes my hand and kisses it. “Think about what I said about going to your grandparents. You need to do that. Please be safe.” He walks to the door and turns around. “I won’t be calling you anymore.”
I follow him and reach out for his arm. “Isaiah, please don’t go! We need to talk about this. Now you’re leaving too.” I begin to cry, and he reaches over and holds me.
“Don’t cry. I never want to make you cry. I am…I’m trying to stop a bad situation from getting worse. Leroy—this town—it’s never going to happen. You know it too. It’s best that we try to stop feeling this way now instead of dragging out the inevitable.”
“I’m never going to stop feeling this way. I thought you were never going to stop either.”
“I haven’t. We’re just too…different.”
“We are very much the same,” I say firmly.
“I have to go.”
“You said you wanted to marry me someday, Isaiah,” the words rush out. “What about all the things you said to me? Just a few days ago, all the promises you made…”
“I meant it…all of it. And I wish I could be the one to take care of you. More than anything. But you deserve way more than I’ll ever be able to give you. Someone, maybe not Thomas, but someone like him, is going to give you the life you deserve.”
“Quit bringing Thomas into this. I don’t like Thomas. This has nothing to do with him.”
“You know what I’m trying to say. You know I don’t want this any more than you do. But what happened today just proves that we can’t do this. We’re asking for trouble if we try to be together. I can’t risk putting you in danger, not to mention all the humiliation that comes from being with a nigger.”
My face crumples when he says that. “Isaiah, don’t say-”
He holds his hand up to stop me. “It’s the truth, Caroline. It’s time we both face it.” He puts his hands around his head and closes his eyes for a second. “Do everything you can to avoid Leroy.”
With this, he turns around and walks out the door and out of my world.
THE RESOLVE I have with Caroline crumbles the moment I close her door. I want to hit everything in sight. The road blurs in front of me. I’m so sick of doing the right thing. I’ll never understand the way this world works. Why can’t I love whoever I want to love and it not affect anyone but us? It doesn’t matter. I’ll never know the answers.
She’s better off without me. She doesn’t deserve any of this. I’ve just been a distraction from the one she’ll end up with—Thomas Owens. He’s the kind of guy everyone expects Caroline to be with, and she’ll thank me one day…when they’re happily married. Maybe now that I’m out of the way, she’ll be able to see Thomas in a different light.
I can’t imagine not talking to her anymore.
The hurt on her face is going to haunt me forever. I never imagined I’d be the one to hurt her like that. I was so stupid to believe all the promises I made to her at the river the other day. It was one of the happiest days I can remember. I wanted to hope that things could be different for us.
Every step toward home is painful. Leroy managed to hurt me in places I didn’t know could hurt. I’d give anything if I could have hurt him worse, made it so he could never get to Caroline. He’ll be watching me, just waiting for a chance to make me pay for today. The thought is already squeezing my chest, but I’m more afraid for Caroline than myself. I have to find a way to keep her safe.
My nose and eyes are running. I wipe my nose on my sleeve and blood covers the shirt. Mama will be furious with me for fighting Leroy. Everyone knows Leroy doesn’t fight fair. This won’t end well.
I push the front door open as quietly as possible and look in the living room mirror. It’s bad. I back up to sneak into the bathroom and Mama calls out, “Isaiah, I’m in the kitchen. Supper’s ready, you’re just in time. Come on, wash your hands.”
I decide to get it over with and walk on back to the kitchen. When Mama sees me, she cries out and rushes to me.
“Baby, what happened to you? Who did this?”
“Leroy.”
“Why would you be fighting with Leroy? You know to stay out of that boy’s way! What happened?”
“I have a few things to tell you.”
“Well, let’s get you cleaned up and you can tell me everything over supper. Do you feel up to eating?”
“I can always eat.” I attempt a smile, but my face crumples up instead. My whole body aches.
“Oh, baby. Come on, let’s get you fixed up.”
Mama lovingly tends to my wounds and when she feels they’re properly taken care of, we go to the kitchen and she fills a plate for me. I sit down carefully, trying not to groan out loud. I’ve finally manned up and stopped crying, but there’s still a huge lump in my throat.
“Okay, start at the beginning, son. Are you ready to talk?”
I feel a little sick to my stomach when I think about all I have to tell her.
“You know Caroline is my friend.”
“Yes.”
“Well, she’s my best friend. She’s my girlfriend…was my girlfriend…”
Her face falls. “Oh, Isaiah…”
“I know it wasn’t a good idea. But for years, Mama…for years, we’ve liked each other. We’ve talked on the phone every day. I walk with her every day. I love her, Mama.”
Mama just looks at me with tears in her eyes. She hasn’t said a word, but waits for me to finish.
I go on, “From the time I first saw her, I loved her. I know I’m young-” My voice gets wobbly and I swallow before
continuing. “I know I’m young, but I know how I feel about her. I won’t ever feel that way about anyone else. Ever.”
“I know it feels that way now, Isaiah-” she starts.
“No, Mama. It’s not going to change. Believe me.”
“How did you manage all this without me knowing about it? I’ve seen the two of you walking, but I didn’t see the harm in that. I haven’t even seen you on the phone that much.” She shakes her head. “A few years is a long time. Do her parents know about this?”
“No. They aren’t around very much. I talk to her on the phone when I’m supposed to be doing my homework. Her parents aren’t home then. Or I talk to her after you go to bed.” I look at her guiltily, and she pats my hand.
“I wish I’d known how you felt sooner, Isaiah. But you know I would’ve tried to put a stop to it.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“It’s just not acceptable here. But really, it’s not just here. Anyone who chooses that life has a long, hard road ahead of them. You know that. I realize it’s not fair. It should be a fine thing for you to be with a nice girl like Caroline. Except for the fact that she’s white and you’re not…you know we don’t mix like that around here, son. Do you remember what happened with Uncle Billy?”
“Well, I know he had to leave, but I don’t remember why.”
She takes a while to answer. Her voice stays calm, but she clutches a dishrag until her knuckles turn white.
“He got caught up with Mr. Davidson’s daughter. Remember? He nearly got shot when they chased him out of town. They put a burning cross on our lawn twice, knocked out the windows with rocks…it isn’t over around here, Isaiah. You know full well that those kinds of things still happen. But this is our home, like it or not, and we have to keep the peace. Our family is here. This is the only home we know.”
“I know it. And that’s why I ended it with Caroline today.”
She can’t hide her relief when I say this. “Oh, thank the good Lord. Son, can you just imagine what the white folks in town would do if they found out you like Caroline Carson, the very cream of the crop? They would not take that lying down, you can be sure of that.” She pats my hand and gives me a concerned look. “So where does Leroy fit in?”
“Leroy has been noticing Caroline for a while and keeps showing up wherever she is. He keeps going out of his way to harass her. He has seen us together before and…well, he saw us today…holding hands…”
Mama groans. “Isaiah! Oh my, son. This is my fault. I’m to blame for not putting a stop for this. I’m so sorry. I should have never let you be friends with her. I thought it was harmless. I should have known…I know you think the world of her, but it would destroy you both, Isaiah.” She leans over and grips my face. “Listen…I know it’s going to be hard, but you’re gonna have to stay away from her, you hear me? If you don’t want to get run out of town, you’re gonna have to just leave her alone. For her sake too.”
“I know, Mama.” I lay my head on the table. “I told her today that it was over.”
“Well, you did the right thing, love. I’m sorry—I’m so sorry. I know it feels awful now…and it will for a long while. But it will get better, you’ll see. You’re young and you will find someone one day.”
I shake my head but don’t bother arguing with her.
“I know you don’t want to hear any of this right now, but you have all the time in the world. It’s not even time to be looking for all that yet!”
She wraps her arms around me and hugs me close.
“She doesn’t have anybody!” I wail. “I’m the only one who really cares about her.”
“Now, now…that’s just not true. I’m sure she has a lot of people looking out for her.”
I shake my head again, frustrated, but I don’t say any more. I want so badly to tell my mother everything. If she knew Caroline was on her own, she would make sure she was taken care of, but I know Caroline will never forgive me if I tell her secret.
We talk a while longer, but it doesn’t make either of us feel any better.
“I wish deep down in my bones that I could make everything all right, son. I wish the world were fair…that you could have all the privileges of anyone else, but it’s just not our reality. I hope one day…” She wipes her eyes with her napkin. “All I can do is my best to keep you safe, love you, and encourage you to better yourself so you can get out of here one day. As sad as it makes me, I cannot let you get caught up in Caroline Carson’s world. It would be the undoing of all of us.”
I nod and we sit there quietly for a while. Mama gets up and brings back medicine. When I take that, she runs a bath for me. When I’m done in there, I go straight to my room and shut the door. I’m all talked out.
I lay on the bed and close my eyes. All I can see is Caroline crying by her door.
I can’t do this.
But I have to try to stay away.
It’s best for everyone.
Now that Mama knows everything, I know she’ll be keeping a close eye on me. It’s over.
It’s torment. I can’t get Caroline out of my mind. But now the image of Caroline is marred by Thomas Owens. I pretty much just handed her over to him. She’s been the only one in my world who completely sees past my skin. In a town like Tulma, a love like that is miraculous. And I just gave that away.
ANY JOY I had, left, when Isaiah walked out the door. I feel like I’m sleepwalking. At night, I roam the rooms in my house. It’s a small house, so it doesn’t take long. I pace back and forth. I go through every drawer in my parents’ room; something I would have previously never dreamed of doing. I touch their clothing, fold it, and put it back in the drawers.
In my snooping, I find letters my mom and dad wrote to each other. I read each one, trying to feel some of the love they professed to feel. It doesn’t feel real—I can’t imagine my parents saying these things to each other. I wonder if they meant any of it. If only I could read without the experience of my lifetime with them.
I’m so angry with Isaiah, I can’t think straight. This whole time—our whole friendship—I’ve never once doubted his love for me. It’s painful to know he can end things this way. I guess he never felt the way I thought he did. But when I think about all the hours we talked about everything that was important to us, I have to believe he does care.
I relive the day by the water. All the things he said—I thought I would cherish them forever, but now they feel like boils on my skin, oozing with the knowledge that he can walk away from me.
I have a brief memory of my daddy. I try to force thoughts of him away; it’s just too hard, but the memories push themselves to the surface.
On my sixth birthday, my dad gave me a stuffed dog. We named him Scruffy. He had pitiful eyes that looked sorrowful and sweet all at once. My dad would make him talk to me and give me fits of laughter. Sometimes he would make him misbehave and I would cry and stomp my foot to make my dad stop. I slept with Scruffy every night and carried him around the house until I went to school. Truth be told, I still sleep with him every night.
I fell off my bike one afternoon and my dad was home. He saw me from the window and came running outside. I had a bad scrape on my knee, and he carried me in the house. He walked straight to the bedroom and picked up Scruffy, and they doctored my knee together. I was laughing by the time the bandage was in place.
This is one of the last times I can ever remember life being simple. I would give anything if Daddy and Scruffy could make everything better with a Band-Aid and a few jokes.
It’s apparent something is wrong with me—that everyone I love keeps leaving me. I don’t know why I never imagined Isaiah doing the same.
I don’t sleep that night. I cry and pace and agonize. In the morning, I put on a clean yellow dress. It has tiny lavender flower-shaped buttons. It’s a pretty dress—one that Nellie and I made the last time we sewed together. I always enjoy wearing it. Fingering through my curls and trying to smooth down the frizz, I tie a lavender ribbon ar
ound my hair. I open my mother’s bathroom drawer and rummage through the odds and ends she left. A little mascara on my eyelashes makes my eyes deepen into a darker blue-gray shade. I put on her soft pink lip-gloss and examine the results. I still only see the sad eyes, but I may as well continue playing a part. That’s what everyone always expects of me. I will do it for this one day, at least.
I think of my mother as I look in her mirror and I hate the parts of me that look like her. I don’t hate her though. I don’t love her either. I feel nothing. My daddy, too. Nothing.
I’ve thought all night about what Isaiah said about me making excuses for my parents and realize that’s one thing he was completely right about. I’ve made every excuse in the book for my daddy, but really he left me just like my mother did. Neither of them is any better than the other.
I walk slowly to Harriet’s, not really sure of how I even get there. It’s a tunnel vision without the vision. I’m floundering and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I do get through my day at Harriet’s. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have this job, but it has been a long, hard day to see people and try to put on a happy face. I’ve been told many times to smile. I’m trying to not bring everyone down with my sadness, but I just can’t turn on the fake.
Nellie stops by and says I’m looking sadder’n a cow in heat. She forces me to say yes to dinner that night. When I get done at Harriet’s, I head home to let Josh out before going to Nellie’s house. Maybe I will even take Josh with me. He seems to know I’m needing him right now. He never left my side during the night.
I turn on my street and pick a peach from one of the trees. Mr. Talbot has the best peaches. I never see him, so I feel fine about helping myself to one. He wouldn’t mind anyway, he has always told us to pick whatever fruit we want. He has more than enough. I take a bite and the juice runs down my chin. It’s so tasty that I pick another one for later.