Pretense

by Lori Wick

  64

  with her. That will do the trick. Why waste a whole Saturday or a weekend when you could take care of it with one service?"

  "That's a good idea. Maybe I'll do that. Do you and Paul go to church?"

  "No. I didn't grow up with it, and neither did Paul, so he's not interested. I want the girls to make their own choices and not have Paul and me preaching to them. Not too many years ago my grandmother started to attend church with a neighbor, but she doesn't speak of it much. We went with her when we were there for Christmas, but I think it's better if we all have our own beliefs. If there is a heaven and God can see us, He must know that we've tried hard and done our best on this earth. I don't think any one religion has all the answers."

  "That's not what Rose would say," Shay commented as she put sugar in her tea. "She says the Bible is the bottom-line authority."

  Marrell shrugged.

  The subject was cut short when the waiter delivered their salads, but the conversation stayed on Shay's mind long after they had eaten, driven back to Shay's office, and gone their separate ways.

  "And there's a boy from my karate class, and my teacher, Mr. Austin, takes karate too."

  Marrell smiled. Delancey had not stopped talking since she climbed into the car.

  "And one of these days he's going to have Carl and me come and do a demonstration."

  "I'm so glad, honey. I thought about you all day. How did things go for you, Micki?"

  "Pretty good. Mrs. Grace says we do lots of reading-at least one book report a month and extra credit if we do more."

  "You'll get extra credit, won't you, Micki?" Marrell said with a smile in her voice, and Mackenzie's little heart swelled with pleasure. She was good in math, reading, and writing, and loved it when her parents noticed.

  "I need a paint shirt," Delancey said.

  "Oh," Mackenzie put in as well, "I do too."

  "Okay. We'll dig around in your father's clothes tonight and see if we can come up with something."

  65

  The girls were quiet after that, and Marrell found she was thankful. It was a lot of work worrying about her children. Delancey had been on her mind the entire day. A good first day did not mean that the entire year would run smoothly, but it was a relief. At any rate, the girls were off to a good start.

  "Have you ever seen anything so cute in your entire life?" Marrell said softly to Paul, who could only smile.

  Up at an amazing hour, the girls were ready for school and dressed in the red poodle skirts their mother had made them for Halloween. Thin sweaters-one white and the other a pale pink-white sneakers and socks, ponytails, and a bit of lipstick completed the ensemble.

  "Where did you find those sweaters?"

  "At a charity store for a dollar apiece."

  Paul shook his head in wonder. The girls looked adorable. They had begged their mother to put a record on, and they were now in the living room doing their own version of "The Hop."

  "Okay, you two," Paul called to them, "I'm going to get the camera, so get ready to smile."

  In complete "ham" style, the girls struck poses that made their parents howl with laughter.

  "Grandma's going to love these," Marrell said truthfully as Paul captured a few candid shots.

  "I'll have to take them to the office with me. No one would believe me otherwise."

  "Speaking of the office, you had better head out."

  Paul looked at his watch, pressed the camera into Marrell's hands, moved to kiss the girls, and then back to kiss his wife.

  "We never did get to finish our conversation last night," he said as she walked him to the door.

  "No, I was too tired and emotional. Besides, I don't think there's anything more to talk about. It's all my fault. I told Shay to go to church with Rose, and now she hasn't missed a Sunday. She just runs from one thing to the next, Paul. When is she going to grow up?"

  "Maybe this will really help her."

  Marrell shook her head. "She thinks it can help everyone. She wants us to go to church with her too."

  66

  Paul grinned. "Well, maybe we should just go one time and get her off our backs."

  Marrell laughed before Paul kissed her and then stood in the doorway to wave him off. Her smile died swiftly when the door was shut, however. Shay's actions of late, or rather her lack of actions, were very hard for Marrell. She had thought their friendship was in full swing, but now Shay was coming around less and less. With the girls in school all day, she was just plain lonely. Paul came home for lunch often, but Marrell found herself with time on her hands and the familiar empty ache back inside her.

  "Well, Shay has stopped seeing her therapist-maybe I should book an appointment."

  "Who are you talking to, Mom?" Mackenzie wanted to know.

  "Just myself, Micki," she answered honestly. "We'd better get ready to go."

  The girls, so excited about their costumes, needed little urging. Ten minutes later they were on their way to the bus stop. They bounced up the steps with the other children, much too keyed up to hear their mother's soft sigh.

  "You haven't mentioned your friend Marrell in a couple of weeks, Shay," one of the women in the circle said. "Is everything all right?"

  "I don't know," Shay answered honestly. "She has no interest in church or in Jesus Christ, and things are a little strained between us right now. I guess I felt it was best not to see her at all if it was going to be so uncomfortable."

  Shay was part of a women's Bible study that met on Thursday nights. Just five weeks before, she had taken Marrell's advice and gone to church with Rose. What she heard had turned her world upside down.

  All of the professionals had told her that nothing was her fault. The man at the front of the room that morning said that all people sinned. The counselors had told her she was a victim. The pastor said Jesus Christ was a victim by choice, and because of His sacrifice, we never had to pay eternally for our sins. Shay had been stunned speechless. Her plan to attend and divert Rose backfired in her face. She had kept Rose for hours that afternoon, asking her one question after another.

  67

  It had been her plan to ask Rose questions that were sure to put her on the spot, but all such arrogance left her. When she couldn't sleep that night, she opened the paperback New Testament the pastor had given her and read the book of Luke.

  Sharon Elliot was never so taken with anyone the way she was taken with the life of Jesus Christ. He was amazing. She read with horror and delight, with tears and joy, to the last chapter, where Jesus Himself said in verses 25 and 26:foolish men and slow of heart to believe in all that the prophets have spoken! Was it not necessary for the Christ to suffer these things and to enter into His glory?And further on in verses 46 and 47 He spoke again:Thus it is written, that the Christ should suffer and rise again from the dead the third day; and that repentance for forgiveness of sins should be proclaimed in His name to all the nations.

  Shay had felt the air leave her in a rush. She was a sinner. It was clear to her for the first time. She didn't care how anyone else might take this. It was crystal clear to her. Jesus Himself had said that this was the very reason He had to die. How arrogant she had been! At the moment, however, Shay had never felt so small and unimportant. She was so proud of her business and her lovely furnishings and clothing, but in light of who God was and what His Son had done, they were nothing.

  With a heart wrung with desperation, Shay had prayed and told God that she needed rescuing. She had told God she was ready to repent and be forgiven.

  "All this time," she prayed softly as she sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes closed, "I thought that bad things just happened to good people, but there's nothing good about me. I need You, God, and I never knew it. Please forgive me; please let me share in the life You've given to Rose and the others at her church. Please, God, forgive my sins and make me Your child."

  Shay hadn't slept for hours after that, but when the alarm rang she was not tired. She readied
for work, hoping that Rose's curtains would be open and she would be up. Still in shock when she rang her neighbor's bell, Shay blurted out what she'd done. Rose had hugged her gently and not been able to stem the tears. After hearing the whole story, she had also advised her to get involved in one of the church's Bible studies. Just three days later Shay attended one for the first time.

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  "Does spending time with Marrell cause you to sin, Shay?" asked Mrs. Timm, the pastor's wife, who led the study.

  "No, but it's like we don't have anything to talk about anymore."

  The older woman was thoughtful for a moment. "There is a barrier between believers and the world, Shay, but we have to be careful not to cut ourselves off. If Marrell still wants to see you and be with you, that's wonderful. She'll learn more from watching you than anything else. For that reason, I think you should try to keep the friendship alive. If Marrell is involved in things that will drag you down spiritually, then you're wise to stay away. We'll be praying for wisdom for you. God will show you what to do."

  "Thank you," Shay said sincerely, listening while a few more women shared. The routine was to start the evening with prayer and then continue on in their study of Romans. It was not the easiest book for Shay to comprehend, but she was learning things about herself as well as God. One of the greatest helps to her, however, was not in the study itself. It was listening to some of the women when they prayed.

  Originally Shay had panicked. Between the day Rose had invited her and the night she was actually to attend the study, Shay told herself she didn't know enough to go, but one of the women there had rescued her. When prayer time came, the first two women had prayed with large words and a reverent tone. The third woman had spoken to God as though He were in the room. Shay had even opened her eyes and stared across at her when quietly, her voice utterly normal, she thanked God for all the things He had provided, and then asked Him for a mattress for her bed. Shay didn't hear anything else for a long time.

  That night on the way home in the car, Shay found herself glad that she and Rose had not been able to share a ride. Shay poured her heart out to God, speaking to the windshield as though she could see Him sitting on her hood.

  I've had so many wrong impressions. I've been so confused, and now I see how huge You are. You love all of us. You 're big enough that we can pray to You in our own way. I've been afraid of not being good enough. I've been so selfish and wrong with so many things in my life, but Your forgiveness is bigger than all of that.

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  It was the start of a wonderful pattern for Shay. She fell asleep with her heart right before God and soon figured out that she could do that every night. Tonight she had done the same thing, but Marrell was on her mind more strongly than ever before.

  Imiss her, Lord. I miss her and the girls. I realize now that I rushed in and overwhelmed her. Help me to find a way back. She was here for me before I found You, and I love her so much. I know she thinks I've just run off on another spree; she couldn't think anything else. Help me to know how to approach her. Let her be receptive when I call.

  This was the last thing Shay asked of God on this night. Her schedule at work and all the changes in her spiritual life were exhausting. She would be halfway to work before she remembered what Mrs. Timm had said, and in turn, figured out how she must approach Marrell.

  "I don't know why I didn't try to talk to you before, Marrell. I guess I knew how you would respond, and I was just afraid."

  "I don't want you to be afraid to tell me anything, Shay." Marrell's heart was in her eyes. She had missed her friend so much, and now they sat across from each other in the same restaurant Shay had first taken them.

  "I appreciate that, Marrell, but I've handled this so badly. I know you think I'm just into my next 'thing. But the truth is, I've been helped at Rose's church. I think that when I invited you to come, I made you feel that unless you did, our relationship was over. And that's not what I meant. I've just never seen things in my life so clearly before ... my past ... all of it. In my enthusiasm," she admitted softly, "I was overzealous and obnoxious."

  Marrell reached across the table and touched Shay's hand. "Thank you for explaining, Shay. I've missed you terribly, and the girls ask about you a lot."

  "After practically ordering you to church, I didn't think you would want to see much of me."

  Again Marrell's look was compassionate. "Like I said, I'm not interested in your church, Shay, but that doesn't go for you. You'll always be welcome. In fact, I think you should come to dinner this weekend."

  70

  "I'd love to, but do you know what I just thought of? I've never had you guys over-at least not all four of you. Why don't you come to dinner on Saturday night?"

  "We would love to," Marrell was very pleased to tell her. "Can I bring something?"

  "Nope. The evening is on me, and I've eaten with you enough to know what you like. How's six o'clock?"

  "We'll be there."

  "Good, now what are we having for dessert?"

  "I'm too full."

  "I guess I am too, but I do want some coffee."

  "When do you have to be back to work?"

  "I don't. I cleared my calendar so that we could talk all afternoon."

  "Oh, Shay," Marrell whispered with relief. "I'm so glad you called me."

  "Me too." The new believer smiled across the table at her friend. She didn't know how and she didn't know when, but remembering what Mrs. Timm had said, Shay Elliot determined to witness to her friend by the life she lived. It didn't matter if it took ten years; she was going to show Marrell Bishop the way to Jesus Christ.

  May 1980

  "Oh, Paul." Marrell's voice sounded hopeful for the first time all day. Apartment hunting was proving to be tiresome. Paul's next posting was unaccompanied to Germany, which meant that Marrell and the girls would be alone for a year.

  "It's so spacious and clean," Marrell said as she took in the nice living room, large windows, new carpet, and spacious kitchen, which had plenty of room for their table and chairs.

  "Three bedrooms," Paul added rechecking the ad, "and the price is pretty decent."

  Marrell looked around the apartment a little more. The bedrooms were nice-sized, and with three of them, the girls could still be on their own. The bathroom appeared to be freshly painted, and the vinyl on the floor looked new as well. The door and window locks, however, were the most important things to her.

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  "It seems pretty snug," she said as she pulled at the window edge.

  "Yes, and the owner told me there's an alarm system."

  Marrell nodded and then just stood looking at her husband.

  "Where did the last three years go?"

  "I don't know, but the next year will go just as fast. Before you know it, the girls will be out of school for the summer and then back in again. Then I'll be home for Christmas, and that will be the halfway mark. Not to mention, I don't leave for six weeks."

  Marrell nodded and made herself look away. It was not the first time Paul had been given a posting overseas, but this was different. This time she had the girls' schooling to consider, and neither of them had wanted to move to Colorado Springs while their father was in Germany. After Paul left, they were going to visit her grandmother, but only for three weeks.

  "I'll be okay," Marrell said, more for herself than Paul. "I've decided to ask Shay if she can use me in the office."

  Paul's brows rose, and Marrell nodded.

  "I didn't decide until yesterday, and by then I realized I hadn't even told you I was thinking of it."

  It took Paul a moment to adjust, but as he thought about it, it sounded like a good idea.

  "Do you think her offer still stands?"

  "She's never asked me again, but she told me just last week that one of the secretaries wanted to go part-time, and that was going to leave the office short-handed. I'll wait until school starts again and probably just be part-time myself, but if I don't do something with
you gone and the girls in school, I'm going to lose my mind."

  Paul came then and slipped his arms around her. "It's a great idea. I'm glad you thought of it. And if for some reason Shay can't use you, I think you should look for work elsewhere."

  "Thank you, Paul," Marrell whispered. She had needed his approval so much, and for an instant wasn't sure what he would say. He kissed her cheek.

  "I'd like us to rent this and move here ASAP."

  Marrell frowned up at him. "I thought you would want to stay at the base as long as possible."

  72

  Paul shook his head. "I need to live here with you before I go. I'll be able to picture you here, on the phone, in the kitchen, or in our bed. It'll help the ache when I'm so far away."

  Marrell went up on tiptoes to kiss him again.

  "Let's go talk to the owner." Paul took Marrell's hand in his and led the way toward the door.

  Just an hour later they had paid the first and last months' rent as well as a cleaning deposit. They drove straight back to the base, knowing the girls would be home any time. Both younger Bishops had known their parents' plans for the day and didn't hesitate to ask what they found.

  "Is the apartment in the same school district?" This came from Delancey.

  "Yes. It's not that far from here or Shay's."

  "Good."

  "You'll even have your own rooms," Paul added.

  Both girls shrugged over this, and Marrell smiled. Somewhere along the line they'd grown up a little. Mackenzie would be 12 the next month, and Delancey's eleventh birthday was in July, but it was more than age. Neither girl had a single qualm about sharing the same room, each other's clothes, books, or anything else that came to mind. It wasn't that one never had a cross word for the other, but no grudges or bitterness lingered. Indeed, both were still strongly competitive, but not with each other. There were even times when Marrell heard them talking in one of the bedrooms and felt left out, but all in all, she was glad they enjoyed each other so much.

  "How would you like to see it?"