Pretense

by Lori Wick

  "Dad," Delancey choked out, "will you stop her?"

  Paul and Marrell exchanged a smiling glance.

  "Seriously, Mom." Mackenzie was not done. "Will it be like a ceremony?"

  "We don't know yet, Micki. We're still just thinking about it, and long before that time comes, we have a houseful of furniture and stuff to move."

  The phone rang. Mackenzie ran for it, coming back to tell Marrell it was Shay.

  "Hi," Marrell spoke into the phone.

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  "How's it going?"

  "Pretty good. The movers come for everything Friday morning. I just got the good news that we are right back on Infantry Terrace."

  "Oh, that is good news. Which house?"

  "Paul isn't sure. Hey, did you find that note I left on your desk?"

  "Yes. That's why I'm calling you. Closing is Friday, July 31."

  Marrell just about squealed with delight. "Oh, Shay, I could dance. Are you ecstatic?"

  "I am, but not just about that."

  "Why? What's up?"

  "Marrell," Shay said softly. "I'm going to have a baby."

  Marrell's eyes slid shut. "Oh, Shay," she whispered, "my dear friend Shay. No one could be happier for you than I am."

  "I think my mother would disagree with you."

  "What did she say?" Marrell smiled.

  "She screamed for a full minute and then ran through the house like a wild woman trying to find my dad. She left the phone dangling, and I had a stitch in my side from laughing."

  "Oh, Shay, I'm dying to give you a hug. Let's get together tonight."

  "Okay. By the way, we're not telling everyone yet. I mean, this is my first baby at 36 years old, and I've got all the way to March to go, so I want to keep this low-key right now."

  "That's fine. I'll just tell Paul."

  "Okay. What time tonight?"

  "Well, do you want to come here, or should we pick up something and come to you?"

  "Come here. I'll make a salad and dessert, and you come up with something to go in the middle."

  "Okay. It'll probably be a bucket of chicken. You know what I'm like. Hey, are you sick at all?"

  "Not really. Coffee doesn't interest me right now, and raw meat makes me feel a little weird."

  "I'm glad it's no worse than that."

  "Listen, I've got to run. I'll tell you all about it tonight."

  "Okay. 'Bye."

  The girls had wandered off, so Marrell was able to tell Paul in privacy. His smile was huge.

  "Well, since I can't hug Shay until tonight, I'll hug you."

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  "It's a secret," she whispered into his ear.

  "Okay. Even from the girls?"

  "Yes. I told her I would tell only you."

  "Okay."

  They went back to work, and by the time they left for Oliver and Shay's, they felt things were under control for the next day and pickup on Friday. Paul was to report to the base first thing Tuesday morning, so all was looking well.

  Oliver and Shay lived in Shay's apartment. They were hoping to buy a home when her business sold, but right now her place had been more centrally located for both their jobs. Shay had confided in Marrell many weeks before that as soon as the business sold, she would sleep for a month, but then was a bit worried about what she would do after that. This was one of the first things Marrell brought up when they were alone.

  "You certainly won't be at a loss now."

  "No, not in the least. I probably have more planned than I'll get done. I can already tell that I'm going to need more sleep. It will be nice to baby myself for a while before I have someone I have to baby."

  "I'm so excited for you. I've been walking around on a cloud all day."

  "God is so good to us, Marrell. I don't have any guarantees that I'll carry this baby full term or that everything will be 'all right,' but God has shown us that we can have children, and that's such a special thing. Even if the unforeseen happens and we never hold our baby, we'll know that he or she is with the Lord."

  "That's so special, Shay. I was terrified when I was pregnant, scared that something would go wrong or Paul wouldn't be there. Only God can give the kind of peace you're talking about."

  The men came into the kitchen. They had been talking of the business and closing date. Paul wasted no time in teasing Shay.

  "I understand, Mrs. Lacy, that you're soon to be a woman of leisure."

  Shay gave as good as she got. "I'll have you know, Colonel Bishop, that I'm the only person in this room who can be doing absolutely nothing and still be totally productive. Top that."

  "I guess she told you," Marrell mouthed off.

  Paul started toward her, but she darted away. Shay stood as well.

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  "I think if the guys have this much energy, they ought to help with the dishes."

  No one complained as they went to work. Paul had to see what the girls were watching on TV but then pitched in to help in the kitchen. They all worked swiftly, and Shay even served coffee, but the Bishops did not remain long. Shay was clearly tired, and Marrell felt as though she had put in a 20-hour day. Before nine o'clock they were on their way, knowing that tomorrow there was more packing to be done.

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  Twelve

  Time rushed on after the move back to the base.The Bishops moved in the middle of the July Fourth weekend, and from there the summer seemed to disappear. Paul and Marrell celebrated their sixteenth wedding anniversary by writing and reciting new wedding vows before a few friends and surprising the girls by taking them along on the second honeymoon to Lake Tahoe.

  School started just a week after they returned, and by mid- September Marrell felt as though she had never left the Presidio.

  One afternoon, the date was September 17, her grandmother called.

  "Marrell?"

  "Grandma! Hi. How are you?"

  "I've got cancer, honey."

  Much later, Marrell would thank her grandmother for not drawing it out or trying to play word games to prepare her, but at the moment she didn't know where her next breath was going to come from.

  "I've seen two doctors," Pearl went on softly, "and they both agree to let it run its course."

  "Run its course?" Marrell managed. "What does that mean?"

  "Not to operate or do chemotherapy or anything."

  "Grandma, where is it?"

  "All through me."

  Marrell couldn't cry; she couldn't do anything.

  "Is anyone there with you, Marrell?"

  "Paul just went back to work. The girls are at school."

  "I'm going to ask a big favor of you, Marrell."

  "All right."

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  "I want you to come now. I want you to visit me while I still have some strength and feel like me. I don't want you to wait and come near the end to try and get in one last visit. That's a horrible way to live. Come now and see me, and if we can't be together again, it will be all right."

  "Oh, Grandma."

  "It's all right, honey. It hurts now, but it will be all right."

  "I'll come. I'll leave as soon as I can get a flight. I don't think I'll bring the girls, though. I think I just want the time with you alone. Will that bother you, Grandma? Did you want all of us?"

  "I just want you," she said softly, and Marrell could speak no more. Her grandma. She was the strong one. She had buried the rest of her family. Marrell thought she would die from the ache. How could she lose this precious part of her life?

  They talked for a few minutes longer, Pearl telling of the symptoms that had made her suspect. She admitted being in shock herself, since she still felt good, and also admitted that she had been testy with the doctor when he wouldn't tell her how long she had left.

  Marrell almost laughed when Pearl said, "How am I supposed to get my affairs in order when I don't know when I'm leaving?"

  "You've always been too organized for your own good," Marrell said, enjoying the sound of her grandmother's chuckle
.

  "You'll call me?" Pearl asked.

  "Yes. It might be two weeks before I can come."

  "Whenever you can will be fine."

  "All right. I love you, Grandma."

  "And I you, sweetheart. Bye-bye."

  '"Bye."

  Marrell knew she must not wait. She picked up the phone before any tears could come and dialed Paul's number. She spoke the moment she heard his voice.

  "My grandma has cancer, Paul."

  "I'll come right home," he stated calmly, and Marrell was actually able to hold herself together until she saw him. All she could do was tremble from the shock. It was so painful. She tried to pray and did, forcing her mind to ignore the numbness stealing over her. Even Paul's arms around her were strange. It helped to hear him start to pray.

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  "Thank You, Lord, that You are sovereign. Thank You that Your plan and will are perfect. Put Your hand on Grandma right now. Touch her and comfort her with Your presence and love. Give us wisdom so we know what to do and when to go to her."

  "She wants me now," Marrell interrupted. "She's asked me to come now, and I told her I would." She began to crumble.

  Marrell sobbed until she thought she might be sick. Every fiber of her being ached with this news. She forced herself to stop crying so she wouldn't be ill. Paul left her on the sofa after a time, telling her that he would call the travel agent so she could get back to her grandmother with the plans.

  The earliest flight Marrell could take and not be penalized for late booking was nine days away. Paul scheduled it, getting her out as soon as he could that morning, and then returned to sit by her. Marrell stared at nothing across the room.

  "Would you like me to call and tell her what I found out?"

  "Okay. What day do I go?"

  "A week from Saturday."

  "What date is that?"

  "The twenty-sixth."

  "All right. I think one of the girls has a dentist appointment next week. I can't remember. What time is it? Are the girls coming soon?"

  "It's only 1:30. I'll call Grandma."

  Marrell didn't try to listen to the call. She was glad he went into the kitchen.

  She'll be with you, Lord. I know this, but I'm selfish, and 1 want her here. She'll be out of her pain and earthly body and be at Your side. Nothing else gives me comfort like that does. I'm so glad You saved us, Lord. I'm so glad she found You. My heart feels bruised, but it's not broken, becauseknow she'll be with You.

  Paul was back in the room before she even realized he was done.

  "She's not supposed to drive right now because they're still doing two more tests, but she will meet you with Mavis in her car."

  "All right. Do you think the girls will be upset about not going?"

  "They might be, but it's reasonable for you to go alone,

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  honey. Don't feel you need to take them. We will be fine. You just go and take care of Grandma while you can."

  "How long will I be there?"

  "Two weeks."

  "You're sure you and the girls will be all right?"

  "Very sure. Don't worry about us."

  "I have a headache."

  "Do you want something?"

  "No. What time did you say it was?"

  "About 1:30."

  Marrell couldn't think any more. She wasn't sleepy, just weary and in shock.

  "Paul, call Shay, will you? Let her know, and tell her I'll talk to her later."

  "I'll do that."

  He must have made several calls or been on the phone to Shay for a long time, because the girls came in before he returned. Marrell met them at the door, and Mackenzie, after seeing her mother's pale face, didn't hesitate to ask what was wrong.

  "Great Grandma has cancer," she told them as gently as possible, still standing by the front door.

  "Will she die?" Delancey asked quietly.

  "Yes. We don't know when, but the cancer's all through her, and they're not going to do anything."

  "Why not?"

  "Come into the living room," Marrell urged them, amazed at how strong she could be when it was her turn to be mother. "She's 79 years old, almost 80," Marrell spoke when they were seated. "She's strong, but the cancer has spread all through her. She could try chemo, but it would make her very sick, and she's decided she doesn't want that."

  "Did you cry, Mom?" Delancey asked. Mackenzie could see that she had. Paul came into the room and sat next to Marrell.

  "I did. I cried a lot because I'm sad for her and for me, but I'm also thankful."

  A look came over Mackenzie's face that neither of her parents could miss. Paul spoke kindly to her, his heart praying for patience and wisdom.

  "Micki, don't be angry at your mother because she's choosing to be thankful."

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  "But how can she be?"Every ounce of Mackenzie's frustration came out in those words. "Mom loves Grandma, and now she's going away. It just makes me so mad.Idon't feel thankful at all!"

  "Your mother and I could be feeling the same way," Paul said, keeping his voice even. "We've chosen otherwise. That's not to say we won't ever be angry and upset, but if we're thinking well, we'll see that God has been in control all this time, and that's what thankfulness is all about, honey-understanding that God is sovereign, and trusting that the things He brings into our lives are His best for us."

  "I don't think I could ever have that much trust," Mackenzie said softly, and Paul worked at not letting defeat rush through him. He reminded himself that the time had not been long, but right now it seemed that Mackenzie's heart would never soften.

  God is sovereign, Paul. Remember what you just told her.

  "I'll be praying for you then, Micki, just as I always do," Paul said. "I'll pray that God will help you to trust in His Son, since He's the only One worth putting your trust in."

  "You're not mad at me?" She was feeling guilty about being snotty when her parents were upset.

  "No, I understand exactly what you're thinking," Paul said.

  "Trust is hard, Mackenzie," her mother spoke up. "It takes a lifetime to get it down."

  "Is Grandma scared?" Delancey's voice sounded for the first time in some minutes.

  "No, honey, I don't think she is. I'll be going to see her next week, and that's what she wants more than anything else right now."

  "Are we going?"

  Delancey cried at the small shake of her mother's head. Marrell was certain it was the events of the last half hour and the news of her grandmother, as well as the knowledge that her motherwasleaving. Delancey looked more like a young woman with every month that passed, but she was still a 12-year-old girl inside.

  "Come here, honey." Marrell held her youngest daughter next to her side. No longer did she fit into her lap. "It's going to be all right. We're going to hurt and cry, but God will take care of us."

  "Will we see Grandma again?"

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  "I don't know. Maybe."

  And that was all the promise Marrell was willing to give. The days that followed were hard. The girls dealt with their pain in separate ways: Delancey shadowed Marrell's every move, but Mackenzie distanced herself from everyone. Paul spoke with her on many occasions, even taking her to dinner-just the two of them-in an attempt to draw her out. By the time Marrell left, she felt her daughter was coming around.

  Colorado Springs

  "This is another one of your mother." Pearl held up yet another picture for Marrell.

  "Why have I never seen these?"

  "I think they were just tucked away. I'd completely forgotten about them until I started going through things."

  "I knew you would do this."

  "Do what?" Pearl asked, looking innocent.

  "Sort everything in the house, planning to get it done before I arrived."

  This was so close to the fact that Pearl laughed.

  "Do you have diet restrictions or anything like that?" Marrell asked suddenly.

  "No, why do you ask?" />
  "Because I'm hungry for something from the Mexican restaurant that we went to last time I was here."

  "Oh, I know the one. Sounds good to me."

  "All right. Why don't we move some of these photos to the kitchen table? I think it would be more comfortable."

  "All right. You'll have to do the big box."

  "I've got it."

  This was the way they spent most of their days. They turned out closets, went through old photos and letters, and in the evening watched old movies and musicals while they ate popcorn and drank tall glasses of Pepsi over ice. Marrell didn't know when she had been so rested. The phone seldom rang, and few demands were made on her time, freeing her to spend time with her grandmother.

  Like a long walk down memory lane, Pearl and Marrell sorted through boxes of memorabilia, threw out what they didn't want,

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  and repacked the containers, marking them clearly for future reference. And through all of this activity, they talked of the Lord. Pearl had started a study on heaven, and the things she shared with Marrell delighted her.

  "Did you know that there's no need for the sun?"

  "In heaven? No, I didn't know that."

  "God shines so brightly that He is all the sun heaven needs."

  "Where does it say that?"

  Pearl got her Bible and showed her the place in Revelation 22. She even read it out loud.

  "Listen to this: 'And there shall no longer be any night; and they shall not have need of the light of a lamp nor the light of the sun, because the Lord God shall illumine them; and they shall reign forever and ever.'"

  "I've never read that." Marrell's laughter was soft with wonder, as she sat in silence and looked at her grandmother. "I don't think I could leave here in four days if I didn't share your hope now. I would be devastated."

  For the first time since Marrell arrived, Pearl cried. "I can't tell you what it means, Marrell. To know I'll be with you and Paul again ... I just can't tell you. I pray for the girls every day."

  "We do too. I know that God will reach them. Someday in His time and way, He will save my girls."

  "And your coming-" The older woman was still overcome. "I can't tell you what it means to have you here. Thank you for coming, Marrell. Thank you so much."

  Marrell went to her, and they hugged for a long time. This was the woman who had raised her and loved her. When she should have been able to put her feet up a little, she found herself with a young girl to raise, but Marrell never felt any bitterness from her. Pearl had made Marrell's wedding dress, and when the girls were small, sewn outfits for them every month. It was like losing a part of herself to think of Pearl gone.