I’m drowning. I’m drowning in my own cowardice, my own lies, in Penelope’s righteous anger.
She should be mad. Everything she said was true—all of it except the fact that what I feel for her isn’t real. My love for Penelope is the only real thing I have to cling to.
“Asher?” My father stands in his doorway, Nico between us approaching with hesitant steps.
I stare at the two of them, shaking my head. “I’m going to talk to Donovan.”
“What’s the point?” My father shrugs. “He leaked it early, but it’s basically just announcing his defeat. The articles weren’t negative about the acquisition. Stakeholders will see it as a good thing.”
“It’s not about stakeholders,” I spit. “It’s about the fact that this is an attack.”
“On what?”
“On me.”
My father frowns, but I stalk into the elevator and mash the button to close the doors. Nico’s face appears in the shrinking opening, but he makes no move to stop the doors and enter the elevator. Maybe he knows, with all his ambition, he’s better off staying by my father’s side. He sees the shift inside me.
I slip my phone into my pocket and swear when I see the crumpled letter of resignation still in my hand. I should have given it to my father before getting in the elevator, but I can’t go back. I need to move forward, to the one person who will take the focus of my pain off Penelope’s cold, emotionless voice: Reginald Donovan.
That sniveling, red-faced asshole who took it upon himself to do this.
A strange sort of calm settles over me as I make my way to the Donovan Enterprises building. Sounds are muffled, and I barely hear anything that’s spoken to me. I walk straight through the lobby, vaguely aware of the protests of the receptionist. Who cares? She can’t stop me. No one can stop me.
I resist the urge to kick down Reggie’s door, choosing instead to use my hands. I don’t need a dramatic entrance to make him understand how badly I want to throttle him.
Reginald Donovan sits behind his desk with a feline smile on his face. He looks me up and down, taking in my wild eyes, disheveled hair, white knuckles, and lets a slow chuckle slip through his lips. “Asher Gerhard,” he croons. “The prodigal son.”
“You leaked the news of the merger.”
“I thought you’d be happy.” His eyebrow arches, and I bristle. “Or was your contact in Nord not expecting it?”
“I knew it,” I say, shaking my head. “I knew you leaked the news just to get to me.”
“As soon as you took that trip to the Summer Palace with the Queen, it all made sense. All made perfect sense.” He scoffs, leaning back in his chair. Fat fingers interlace over his generous stomach, and once again I note the sheer determination of his shirt’s buttons to do their job.
“You don’t know anything.”
“I know you whored yourself out to the Queen, of all people, just to get under my skin. Trust you to pull something like that off, Gerhard.”
“It had nothing to do with you.”
“No? And your father handing his company to you meant nothing either?”
“I don’t give a shit about my father’s company.”
“Could have fooled me.” A snort escapes him. “You’ve been hounding me for months. Attacking my company at every turn and whispering in shareholders’ ears. You made this bed, Asher, and now you need to lie in it. Who knows? Maybe the Queen will join you after all. Tell me, is her pussy so sweet you’d throw away your whole future for it?”
It’s only after my snarl reaches my ear that I realize I’ve launched myself across the room. Only when my hands are around his neck that I realize what I’m doing. Only when the two of us hit the ground and his fist connects with my temple that I loosen my grip and roll away.
Reginald huffs, his cheeks red, an evil gleam in his eye. “You actually care about her.” He brushes imaginary dust off his shirt as he heaves himself off the ground, shaking his head. “You idiot.”
I stare at the man who exposed me to Penelope, and the reality of my situation truly sinks in. Penelope sees me as what I am—what I’ve always been. The businessman who uses people, who lies and cheats and does whatever needs to be done to make a deal.
I saw another way of living when I was with her, but I didn’t realize I can’t just walk away from all this. I can’t ignore all the actions I’ve taken that have led me to this point. I can’t just walk away from the lies and omissions I’ve made.
I need to make it right. Somehow. I need to make amends.
My father looks confused when I tell him I’ll accept his offer. “You want the company?”
“It would be my honor,” I say through a clenched jaw.
“What about”—he waves a hand at the lobby outside his office—“Donovan, the leak, the merger? You didn’t seem happy about it.”
“I went to see Donovan, and I understand why he did it.”
“And why’s that?”
“He wanted to control the narrative of the merger. Wanted to make sure it didn’t look like a hostile takeover, wanted to assure his shareholders he was still in control. Might work out for the best in the long run. I was…” I clear my throat. “I was angry because I thought he was trying to wriggle out of the deal. He assured me he isn’t.”
My father nods, his eyebrows arching slightly. “Okay,” he finally says, nodding. “Let’s proceed. You still want to sit in this chair while I’m away?”
“I’d like nothing more.” Lie. Another lie. All I want to do is get out of that chair. I want to run back to Nord and drop to my knees in front of Penelope, begging for her forgiveness. I want to stop lying, never tell another lie as long as I live. I want to be the kind of man Penelope thought I was when she promised her life and child to me.
But there are things I need to do first. I need to prove to her that I’ve changed—all I did wasn’t to betray her. I’m not the man she thinks I am.
I’m still the man who followed her to Nord, the man who bared himself to her, the man who opened his heart and let himself feel love for the first time in his life. I’m the man she wants me to be. I just need to show her that in a way she understands.
So I sit in front of my father and accept the leadership of the company—however temporary it may be—with a bow of my head, as if he’s bestowing some great blessing on me. I ignore the twisting of my gut and I tell myself this is what needs to happen. This is how I atone for my sins, how I shed this skin and become the person I need to be.
25
Penelope
There’s a hole in my chest the size of the Arctic Ocean. I wander through the Stirling castle gardens, almost offended by the explosion of life and color around me. Summer is supposed to be the best time in Nord. It’s what we all live for after long months of cold and snow. This year, it feels stifling to me. Birds flit between trees as I make my way to a bench, lowering myself down to stare at nothing for minutes on end.
Asher lied about…everything.
Two birds sing to each other in call and response from opposite trees. I stare at the dark green branches, wishing it were December instead of August. There’d be no warmth, no greenery, no insects flying around. No delicate melodies from birds trying to woo each other.
There’d just be cold ice as far as the eye can see. Maybe then I’d feel comfortable. If the landscape matched the way I feel in my heart, I’d at least feel at home in my own kingdom. My own home. My own body.
This morning, the doctor told me my due date was the fourth of March. A spring baby, heralding the arrival of new life. A sign of the miracle that happened in my body—something I never thought possible. It’s fitting that the baby will arrive with all the other life in Nord, but it still doesn’t feel real.
Footsteps make me turn my head to see Silas approaching. Dark smudges mark his under-eyes, and he gives me a wry smile. “Hey, Pen.”
“You look rough.”
“That makes two of us.” Silas snorts, sinking down on the bench
beside me. He lets out a long sigh, tilting his head up to soak up the sunlight. “I went to this gnarly party last night.”
“Gnarly?” I arch my brows. Is Silas even from the same family as me? The same decade?
He grins. “It was fun.”
“Doesn’t look fun this morning.”
“I’ll live.”
I wrinkle my nose, saying nothing.
Silas sighs. “Sorry about Gerhard.”
Pinching my lips together, I hold back the wave of emotion that threatens to rip me apart. I swallow past the tightness in my throat and shrug. “It was my own fault for getting close to him.”
“You know that’s not true, Pen.”
“Do I? I lost Xavier first, and I was so desperate for affection that I latched onto the first man who made me feel something. It’s pathetic.”
“It’s not.”
“What do you know about it?”
“I know how hard it is to be alone.” My brother’s words are so quiet I almost miss the pain in his voice. “You deserve to find someone. Just because you’re a queen doesn’t mean you have to be on your own.”
“I’m not sure I agree with that.”
“You don’t have to agree for it to be true.”
“Maybe I need to be alone in order to be a good leader.”
Silas snorts.
I grit my teeth. “Look what happened the first time I tried to be with someone other than Xavier. I got played for a fool, and now I’m waiting for the story to break in the newspapers so the whole kingdom can ridicule me.”
“Just because things didn’t work out with Asher doesn’t mean that’s the end of the line for you, Pen.”
“So what do you suggest? I go on Tinder? That would go over well with the tabloids.” Bitterness soaks every word. Even the birds quiet down. The wind stills, as if the landscape itself wants to show me how it feels to have nothing to keep me company.
“Jonah told me Asher lied about the merger with Donovan. Is he…Is that going ahead? Gerhard is acquiring Donovan Enterprises?”
“When I spoke to him, he didn’t deny it. He also didn’t deny the fact that he’s going to step into his father’s role. There’s no other way to look at it—he used me to advance his own career. I let him use me.”
Silas glances at my stomach and clears his throat. “And…”
I pinch my lips. “Yeah. You’re going to be an uncle.”
He nods, then stretches an arm over my shoulders. “It’ll all work out, Penelope.”
I don’t answer, because I’m not sure it’s true. I wrap my arms around my stomach and try to stuff down the worst of my fears—the slithery, quiet voices who whisper to me that my pregnancy won’t work out, either. My body will malfunction again. Something will go wrong.
Memories that were buried deep start to surface again. The months and months when I failed to conceive. The heartbreak of fertility procedures. The…desperation. The breathless sort of panic that made me feel on edge about everything, all the time. Those years were the worst years of my life. I was lost.
And afterward, resignation.
After years—years—of feeling like that, how can I allow myself to hope? In the face of what Asher did, how can I let myself think things will be okay? Even this baby inside me, who’s to say my body will work how it’s supposed to? All the evidence in my past points to disaster.
Tears burn my eyelids and I pray Silas won’t notice. I don’t want to have to explain that I’m fighting my own mind and not trusting my own body. How can my brother possibly say that things will work out? He and I have lived different realities. He’s the carefree playboy, the party animal who can do no wrong in the eyes of the public.
But me? I’m the villain. Always have been, and I always will be because it’s who I need to be in order to rule this kingdom.
Things have never worked out for me. When I dared to think they might—that day in the living room at the Summer Palace—it was Fate’s way of playing a cruel joke. I got to see everything I longed for the most. A child. A man to love. A family.
Then it was all taken away from me.
Pushing myself off the bench, I straighten my top and give Silas a tight smile. “I should get back. There’s lots of work to do.”
“Why don’t you take time off, Pen? Jonah and I can handle things here. Go back to the Summer Palace and enjoy the last of the warm weeks there. Take a break.”
I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“The baby—”
“Is none of your concern.” My voice cuts so harshly Silas flinches. Grinding my teeth together, I turn away and head back to the castle. At least if I’m moving, working, doing something, I can’t think about the fact that everything inside me is slowly freezing to a big, black lump of ice.
At the beginning of September, nearly a month after Asher left for Farcliff, I read an article about Asher Gerhard accepting the role as director of his father’s company. My heart sinks and vaguely, I wonder if I’d held out hope that he would choose me instead of his career. In some small corner of my mind, I must have been wishing he’d arrive at my door and beg for my forgiveness.
A part of me wanted to forgive him.
But as I read the article, the final door shuts, and I realize we’ll never be together. I’ll raise this child on my own and tell the media his biological father is Xavier. Asher won’t exist in my life, and these past few months will be nothing but a dream.
The thought of lying about my child’s father makes me feel sick, but I push the feeling down. Above all, I need to maintain stability in the kingdom. Avoid controversy. Be a queen beyond reproach.
Still, denying the child’s parentage chips away another piece of my heart, and I dread the day I’ll have to announce it to the public.
In addition to lying to me, that’s another thing Asher took from me. Bearing my first child—likely my only child—doesn’t feel like a joyous occasion. I’m afraid and alone and facing a lifetime of lies. Will I lie to my child, too? Will I deny Asher the right to see his baby?
Those questions weigh heavy on my spirit. It’s hard to move, let alone think about everything facing me in the coming months. After reading the article about Asher’s new position at the company, I shuffle to my bedroom, lock the door, and curl into my bed. Alone.
26
Asher
The ink is still wet on the acquisition papers when the story breaks in all the major business publications in Farcliff. Donovan Enterprises has been acquired by Gerhard, Inc. I know Penelope will find out—maybe she already has.
This past month has been the most difficult of my life. Not being able to see her, talk to her, reassure her—it makes me feel sick. Every hour that goes by makes my hope dwindle, as if my opportunity to show her my true self is slipping through my fingers.
But I keep going. I watch my father leave for a holiday and take a seat behind his desk. I negotiate with Reginald Donovan and reassure his stakeholders. I have our lawyers draw up the paperwork and forge onward with the acquisition of his company.
I know how it looks from the outside, but I can’t let myself stop moving. I can’t pause to think about the damage this is doing to my reputation—to my relationship with Penelope. If I think about it too much, I’ll lose my nerve.
My father will be away for three weeks. It’s the longest holiday he’s taken since he started this company, and it’s a huge vote of confidence for me. If it had happened three months ago, I’d feel like all my hard work had paid off. I’d feel finally validated for the years of service I did for my father. All the companies I acquired and business deals I brokered.
I’d finally feel seen.
Now, though, it feels empty. Cold.
My fingers drift over the edge of my scar, a whisper of Penelope’s touch.
“Are you sure about this?” Nico glances at me from the other side of my father’s desk. He’s just emailed me my flight itinerary from Farcliff City to Roston, and he looks…concerned. His brows
are drawn together, eyes unusually troubled.
I nod. “Yep.”
“Ash, this is…” He clears his throat. “Your father won’t be happy.”
“I’ve been letting my father decide my fate my whole life. I think it’s time I do something for myself.”
“There’s no guarantee the Queen will even appreciate what you’re doing. She might never speak to you again.”
“At least I’ll know I tried.”
Nico’s throat bobs. He takes a deep breath, running fingers through his hair as he searches for the right words. “I have to tell you, Asher, just for my own peace of mind—I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Noted.”
“You’re blowing up your future.”
“I’m creating my future.”
“You’re taking a massive risk.”
“Thank you for your input, Nico.” My voice is frosty. “That’ll be all.”
My assistant takes a deep breath, holding it in for a few seconds as if he’s trying to decide whether to fight me on this or not. His shoulders deflate, and he nods. “Okay.”
“Nico, wait.”
He turns, arching a brow.
I gulp. “You don’t have to stand beside me for this. If you want to keep working for my father, it’s probably best to distance yourself from me. You should stay in Farcliff when I go.”
Nico stares at me for a moment, then dips his chin. He agrees. He’s choosing his career over me and even though I know it’s the best decision for both of us, it stings. The finality of what I’m about to do comes into sharp focus.
I watch my assistant leave and let my eyes drift back to the itinerary. I leave tomorrow to make another landmark deal—one I already know my father won’t like.
For once, I don’t care what my father thinks. I don’t care if he hates me for the rest of his life, because this is the first time I feel like I’m doing the right thing. I’m not motivated by greed or selfish desires for recognition. I’m not chasing validation from someone who forced me to grovel at his feet because of an accident that scarred a third of my body.
Ice Queen: An Accidental Pregnancy Romance Page 18