Not Another Lonely Christmas

by Ellie R. Hunter

  I should go to work tomorrow and do something with my hair, or maybe I should just leave the flat, I’m obviously going stir crazy and I need a good dose of fresh air.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I breathe in the very fresh and very cold air and step down onto the pavement. People pass by me and cars drive by and it’s a stark reality slap that life is always moving forward with or without you. It doesn’t matter if your heart is breaking or already broken. It doesn’t wait for you to heal and grow strong again.

  Digging my gloved hands into my coat pockets, I push myself to put one foot in front of the other and walk to the restaurant I’m meeting Gabriella at.

  The streets are extra busy this close to Christmas and every bar and shop are blasting the usual festive songs. I should have brought earplugs, yet I still silently sing along to each of them as I pass. I see Michael first as I walk in the restaurant and Gabs is close beside him, looking a little too cosy for being ex’s who are just friends and now it’s appearing I’m going to be third wheeling and that just fills me with such fucking joy. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for them, I still don’t understand why they broke up in the first place, but not today. I wanted to be with Gabriella and drink too much wine and laugh about the things that really aren’t funny. Pulling out a chair opposite the pair of them, I sit and debate whether to keep my coat and stay.

  “You look tired,” Michael tells me, and I smile.

  Trust him to keep it real with me, and weirdly, I need that right now.

  “Thanks, you look very happy and refreshed,” I throw back at him.

  His eyes automatically sweep over Gabriella and there’s his reason for being so happy and I want to throw up. No, I don’t.

  I slip out of my coat before I change my mind and leave them to enjoy a nice dinner for two and hang it on the back of my chair.

  “Have you heard from Jasper?”

  And there it is, his name, him entering my life again through conversation when he isn’t even around and before we’ve even ordered.

  “I don’t know, I haven’t turned my phone on.”

  And for good reason.

  The guy always knew who I was and made out everything I was telling him was brand new information to him.

  The part that hurts the most is how he asked about the tv interview when he knew all about it. I sat and told him about my parents when he, like the rest of the population, already knew. All because he wanted to gain more popularity, which is ridiculous, I was at his concert, his band is huge.

  “Perhaps you should turn it on,” Michael suggests, and I can’t help cocking an eyebrow in disgust at him.

  “Perhaps we can change the conversation?” I mutter and refill my glass.

  “The guy went to a lot of trouble to romance you like you wanted, of course he wouldn’t tell you who he was, it was a part of his plan.”

  Flicking my eyes at Gabs, I’m surprised she isn’t telling him to shut up and mind his own business.

  “I get that, but you’re forgetting why he went to the trouble in the first place and how his manger thought he was genius for pulling it off.”

  I’m no longer sad, I’m angry. No one uses me. “He lied to gain publicity for himself, why on earth would I think that’s someone I want in my life.”

  “Only in the beginning, not after he started to know you.”

  “Oh, how do you know this?” I snap, losing all patience.

  “Because he told us,” Michael shrugs.

  He what?

  This is going way too far.

  “Rem,” Gabs finally says something. “After everything you’ve been through, you know when someone’s being genuine.”

  “Do I though?” I snap. “I fell for him and I have no idea what was real and what wasn’t. Please, can we not talk about him.”

  I finish my wine and opt to have a glass of water. If I keep finishing my wines, I’m going to keep refilling my glass and I have the worst track record of doing stupid shit when I’m drunk.

  Dinner is strained and each one of us can feel none of us want to be here. I don’t pick at my food like a heartbroken sap, I have to stop myself from shovelling it down. I’m starving and it’s the only joy I’ve had in a week.

  The walk home is preferable to dinner and Gabriella’s words ring in my ears. I used to pride myself on knowing if someone was being genuine or not. Jasper’s thrown everything I thought I knew and flipped it so hard, it’s all smashed into a million pieces.

  Turning onto my street, someone is sat, huddled on my building steps. Slowing down, I look around to see if anyone else is hanging around. They’re not. It’s not until I get closer, I recognise the coat and cream coloured woolly hat.

  “Casey?”

  She looks up and her bottom lip shivers from the cold. I walk up the steps and around her and unlock the door. I usher her inside and up to my place.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask her, whacking on the heating.

  “I won’t see you before Christmas, and I got you something.”

  She shrugs her backpack off and unzips it while I clear the chair for her to sit on.

  She pulls out a glittery pink wrapped gift and passes it over. I’m lost for words as I take it and stare at it like I’ve lost my mind.

  “Open it.”

  “It’s not Christmas.”

  She pulls another gift from her bag and places it under my tree before sitting back down.

  “That one,” she says, nodding at the tree. “Is for Christmas, it’s a book, this one is for now.”

  Carefully, and much to the annoyance of Casey, I gingerly open the wrapping paper slowly and inside is a picture frame. Flipping it over, the black French style frame is empty.

  “Um, thank you, I’m sure I can find a photo to put in it.”

  Her chuckle is light and the most innocent I’ve heard from her.

  “This is part two,” she says, handing over an envelope.

  Inside is a photo of the two of us, a selfie she took not long ago when she came in for a trim.

  She takes both from me and fiddles around, sliding the photo into place.

  “I’m not into trying to romance you, but you’ve been in my life longer than anyone and everything I think I’m going to be alone for, you’re there. I asked my social worker about what you told me, about trying to adopt me, and she told me it was true, not that I doubted you.”

  She hands over the frame and I stroke my thumb over the glass.

  “If I had a mum, I wish she would protect me like you do. If I had a sister, I wish she would teach me all I need to know like you do, and if I had a best friend, I wish it was someone as loyal and fierce as you. So, what I’m trying to say, you’re my family, with or without a piece of paper declaring us so. I’m not going to moan about which I’m family I’m stuck with because I’m lucky enough to have you when I need you.”

  Dropping the frame on my lap, I throw my arms around her and hug her so hard I hope she feels it forever.

  “No matter what happens, good or bad, I’m always here for you.”

  God, I wish I could have her living with me full time. From now on, I’m not wasting my time or energy on romance, love and men. I’m going to make sure this young woman gets to where she wants to go, wherever that may be, and make sure she knows the beginning of her life isn’t how the rest of her life will be. I won’t allow it.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Christmas Eve

  I have a box of my favourite biscuits, a bag of chocolates and a steaming mug of hot chocolate. My fingers are crossed the heating remains working till after the holiday and I’m toasty warm under my duvet as my favourite movie plays on the tv. I’m wearing my favourite Christmas leggings and my softest bright red cashmere jumper and I’m sitting in the darkness with only the tree lights on for light.

  This is my Christmas this year, the same as last year, and most likely the same as it will be next year too.

  I’ve got all I need till the sho
ps open again after Boxing Day. I made the decision after dinner yesterday to face reality and just be me who likes my books, who rips out pages and pins them to the wall. I’m going back to the days where I was alone, and I was safe that way.

  There will be no more silly notions of being swept away. I’ll stick to living through everyone else’s love affairs and when I’m older, I’ll move to a cottage and adopt a bunch of kittens and die a lonely death and hope someone will find my corpse eventually.

  As the movie ends, I find another and slip the disc in the player and climb back into bed.

  I reach for the biscuits when the door flies open, and Gabriella isn’t shy about letting herself in.

  She’s meant to be spending Christmas with Michael and then the man himself appears in the doorway and hovers on the threshold.

  “I told him you’d be set up like this,” she says, pointing her thumb over her shoulder at her boyfriend.

  “Every year she spends Christmas alone with her films and chocolates and I don’t see her until the new year when I open the shop again.”

  There’s a reason for that and I keep it to myself like I have done for the last eighteen years. All my best memories of being in a family were at Christmas. After my dad killed himself, I used to watch films, so I didn’t have to think about what was going on around me in the home and what we were all missing out on.

  “You’re ruining your first Christmas together. Go home and be one, do all the couple things. I’m fine.”

  “I’m putting my foot down this year, you’re not staying here alone. You either come with us or we stay, Michael too.”

  Rolling my eyes, I can’t be bothered with this and she’s surprising me. She knows what I’m like. I don’t hibernate because I’m sad, it’s just something I need to do.”

  “Like I said, we’re not leaving. Not this year and as you haven’t turned your phone on, we guessed you haven’t spoken with Jasper so…”

  “Why would I have spoken to Jasper?”

  I told them yesterday that wasn’t happening.

  “You keep asking, but my answer is still the same.”

  “I’m your friend and if I thought he was no good for you, I’d be the first one to drum it in your head.”

  “But?”

  “But, despite his first intention, it wasn’t his last intention. Look outside your window, Rem.”

  I should refuse and stay under the covers, but I’m flying across the room and gasping at what I see. Candles are placed everywhere. On door steps, on top of cars, on the pavement. Jars of tealight candles glow softly in the darkness as snow falls around them.

  “Did he do this?” I ask, hoping to spit it out like it isn’t touching a piece of my heart right now. It doesn’t. I sound pleased.

  “I did.”

  I spin around and while Gabriella and Michael have scarpered, Jasper is standing in the doorway and my back hits the window when he steps in the room and closes the door behind him.

  “I had to do something to distract you, so I could get through the door.”

  “Another trick,” I quip, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Please don’t kick me out,” he urges, and I realise I wasn’t about to. “I’ve been wanting to come around every day, but Gabs said it wasn’t wise.”

  Gabs? So friendly and personal. I’m going to be having words with my best friend.

  “What’s so different about today?” I ask.

  “I couldn’t bear the thought of you being alone this Christmas. Please, will you hear me out?”

  Sighing, I grab the remote and turn the movie off.

  “Will you answer me a question first?”

  “Sure.”

  “Was any of it real?”

  I brace myself for his answer, not sure if I really want to hear it from him.

  “From the moment you saw me as I walked into the pub, I felt this drop in my gut and every word we’ve shared, our time together, everything, it was all real. Real or fake to sweep you off your feet, I never counted on you knocking me on my ass, and that’s the fucking truth, Remi.”

  I believe him and don’t bite his head off when he sits himself down on the bottom of my bed.

  “Tell me the truth now, why did you come into my life.”

  His cheeks balloon as he releases a huge puff of air and he begins.

  “I saw your video online and thought like an egotistical bastard, that I could beat anyone else hands-down romancing you. I’m in a world-wide successful band, women have been throwing themselves at me for years, some men too. We’ve had some bad press and I thought by romancing you and all the Christmas cheer, I could bring the glory back for my band. But, and it’s the realest but, as soon as I met you, it all fucking changed. I changed. I was chasing the old days and they vanished, and I started chasing you. It’s you, Remi. I’m sorry for the prick I was before you knew me, but you have to believe none of our time together was fake.”

  “I believe you,” I whisper, and the words don’t choke in my throat like I thought they would.

  He leaps off the bed and is in front of me before I can blink and his warm hands envelope my cheeks as I look up at him.

  “I believe every word you’ve said but it doesn’t change a thing. You allowed me to be vulnerable with you all the while you knew the reason you were in my life in the first place.”

  “No, don’t you see, this changes it all.”

  “I don’t see how but thank you for your apology. It was the least you owed me, but you can leave now. It wasn’t fate or destiny that brought us together, it was your cruel play to trick me, I can’t get past that.”

  I step out of his embrace and shiver from the lack of warmth he transferred to me.

  It becomes awkward real fast when he doesn’t move. Lifting my lashes, I peak up at him and he’s struggling with something on his mind, then whatever it is clicks for him and inhales deeply.

  “You were never looking for romance, were you?”

  “What?”

  “You surround yourself with everyone else falling in love, your books, the movies, the online bullshit, but when someone actually gets too close, you freak. You’re in love with the idea of love, but you’re running from it as much as you’re running to it. You need to work out what you really want. It scares you because you think no one can love you, and they’ll leave you, like your dad did.”

  Sharply inhaling, my hands close into tight fists and a sharp pain pierces my heart.

  “Don’t put this on me, you’re the one who lied to me, and what, now you’re spinning the blame on me?”

  I don’t believe this. He has some bold audacity, I tell you.

  “You accepted my apology, you said you believed me, so you can’t use it against me now. This is all on you, and we both know it.”

  “Get out,” I scream at him.

  “When you stop fooling yourself that you don’t want what I want to give you, I’ll be waiting for you, because I’m not giving up and I know you’re worth waiting for. You’re a one of a kind and you’re going to be mine.”

  He backs up and turns to leave, he stops when he reaches the door and turns back to me.

  “All the dick moves I pulled was before I met you, and certainly before I knew you. I promise what I feel for you is genuine and if you want me this Christmas, I’m yours.”

  Then he’s gone, and my door is closed once again. I cross the room and sit on my bed, just where Jasper was sitting. Like always, while he’s here he takes up every inch, but as soon as he’s gone it’s like he’s never been here at all.

  Oh god. What should I have done? I like to think I’m a good judge of character, I like to think he was telling the whole truth and not just because I want to believe he was.

  I stare at the many pages tacked to my wall and tip my head back. Is this my moment? Is this what everything has been building up to? I cross the short distance to the window and open it up, it goes against everything in me to let the heat out with the cost of my g
as, but I don’t care tonight. Standing on a car I’ve never seen before, Jasper is getting ready to launch a snowball at my window.

  Across the street, Gabriella is in her car, hanging out the window recording Jasper on her phone.

  He notices me and drops the snow by his feet.

  “You haven’t waited very long,” I shout down at him.

  “I changed my mind, I’m not leaving until you tell me you love me.”

  I gasp and lean back in the room.

  “Don’t hide,” he warns, shouting a little louder. “You love me and I’m not going anywhere until you admit it.”

  My mouth opens but then shuts again.

  “I’ll climb your building and shout from the roof tops that I love you, because I do, Remi Rose Humphrey. I love you!” he yells, and I stand back and slam the window shut.

  He loves me.

  Jasper Fisher who came into my life because he wanted to use me, has fallen in love with me and I’m still standing here like I don’t love him too.

  Shoving my feet into my boots, I dash out of my room and down the stairs and throw open the main door.

  Jasper jumps from the car roof to the bonnet and down onto the path. I come to a stop at the bottom of the steps.

  “You’re an arsehole,” I say first.

  “I agree,” he replies. “But I can be your asshole if you admit you love me.”

  “You lied to me,” I repeat, also wanting to hear him say he loves me again.

  “I did.”

  “You planned on using me, and now you want me to say I love you?”

  “It’s all I want to hear from you. I vow to you I won’t be a dick to you, only the real and true. Now, tell me you love me.”

  My mouth opens once again. Once I tell him, that’s it. What happens after is new territory to me. I’ve waited so long for this moment, the snow is even falling around us, and now it’s here, I’m bloody petrified.

  “I won’t hurt you again, I will romance you every day of our lives, I won’t ever leave you, I need you to forgive me because I’ll never be able to forget you, Remi. Not in this life or the next.”