Not Another Lonely Christmas

by Ellie R. Hunter

  I hear a silent, while I’m in the country, and smile because for tonight, he’s in the country, he’s not going anywhere and he’s with me.

  “Where are the bathrooms?” I ask.

  “Don’t let her go, cous, she tried using that on me earlier to run out.”

  I spin around and it’s Elijah with his arm around a pretty brunette.

  “Remi, this is Dizzy, my girlfriend. Babe, this is Remi. The girl Jas made me go out with.”

  “My name is Anna,” she rectifies, shoulder barging the guy I thought was my date not that long ago and I smile.

  “It’s nice to meet you. I hope he doesn’t bore you on your dates, like he did on our fake date.”

  She laughs and snuggles into his side as he wraps his arm around her.

  “He’s not so bad when he isn’t under threat. Anyway, we’ll walk you to the bathroom on our way out, Jasper has an interview he needs to do like five minutes ago. Everyone’s waiting.”

  I detach myself from him and follow my fake date and his real girlfriend. The bathrooms aren’t far, and I thank the both of them before I escape everyone around me.

  I lock myself in a vacant cubical and take a minute to breathe. The night began with me presuming to know how the date was going to play out and it’s ending with a guy I haven’t been able to stop thinking about kissing me after performing his rock concert.

  This kind of thing doesn’t happen, not to anyone I know, definitely not to me. I’m still struggling to believe it’s real. The door opens, and a waft of heavy perfume fills the sterile bathroom and female laughter echoes around me. My moment to collect myself comes to an end, and I go to take care of business when someone speaks. It’s an American accent and I would guess she’s with Jasper.

  “Fisher was right, did you see how the fans reacted to her. The band is trending already, this is the best publicity the band has ever had, and it hasn’t cost a penny.”

  “She seems really nice from what I’ve seen,” another American voice says, not sounding so bitchy.

  “Good, it’ll help us make even more money. Imagine if he really does fall for her, we can all retire before next Christmas.”

  If he really falls for her.

  Well, that’s a blow to my heart. But, instead of tears, I cover my mouth with my hand and force myself not to laugh. I’ve had love on the brain since I was a little girl, it’s blinded me to the cruelty in the world.

  The door closing snaps me out of my pity party for one in the toilet cubical and I slide up the door.

  I’m in such a daze I forget to pee, and I head back to the room everyone seems to be going to.

  I step inside and wonder who the two women in the toilets were just now. An older woman has her hand on Jasper’s shoulder and I’m guessing she was the one talking about retiring on my naivety. I have no idea why, but I’d put money on it being her.

  There are so many people standing around, so many conversations to ignore and so many seconds passing that I struggle not to cry.

  The woman’s hand drops from Jasper and she winds her arms around an older gentleman who places a quick kiss on her forehead. He has an air of leadership about him, he could be the manager, better yet, he could be Fisher who is using me.

  Jasper smiles and it isn’t warming me like it has been, not like it did tonight.

  Is it even real?

  “Hey, I thought you might have gotten lost,” he laughs, walking towards me.

  Oh, I’m very lost and I have no idea what the hell I’m doing any more.

  “Hey, yourself,” I say before he collects me in his arms, forcing a smile. “Who is Fisher?” I blurt out.

  “It’s me,” he grins and frowns at the same time. “I’m Jasper Fisher. You really didn’t know who I was, did you?” he chuckles.

  And I still don’t, I think to myself, as my heart cracks and a darkness washes over me.

  A Rockstar didn’t sweep me off my feet. It wasn’t real, none of it was. I was played and it fucking hurts.

  “Hey, Jasper. I need you for a quick second, Marshall is here and…”

  I tune out what the older woman is saying, it’s her voice from the bathroom, the one who wants Jasper to use me to make money.

  Jasper goes to hold my hand and I snap it away like he’s on fire and he frowns down at me.

  “Remi?”

  How can he sound so hurt? What does he have to fucking hurt over?

  “I’m going for a quick smoke, go talk to whoever wants you, and I’ll be back here when you’re done.”

  “You don’t smoke.”

  “Sure, I do.”

  I just haven’t smoked in so long and I don’t have any cigarettes on me right this minute. His mouth opens, I’m guessing to argue with me, but the woman tugs on his arm until he’s following her. He throws me a frown and then he’s gone in the crowds.

  Spinning on my heels, I dash out of the room and half walk and half run down each corridor until I see a side exit. I push through it and a small group of girls start screaming until they see it’s just little old me and not their idol.

  Idol, that’s a fucking joke.

  The bitter cold whips around my neck and I quickly drag my scarf out of my jacket pocket and wind it around my neck. It does nothing to take the chill out of my bones and I spy a black cab by the curb.

  I jump in the back and give the driver my address.

  I need to be home and I need to be alone.

  Romance isn’t dead because it never existed. It’s just a beautiful lie people need to believe to think they’re fulfilling their lives before they die.

  I know the truth now and it’s dark and lonely.

  Chapter Twenty

  My phone is the first thing that flies across the room as soon as I step through the door and lock it behind me. My purse is next to join it and then my boots as I slip my aching feet out of them. I fall on the bed and I let the tears go. I’ve been a fool, and as usual I’m the one left crying and alone.

  Why? Why would he hurt me just to gain attention for his band? I’m clearly unhinged to go online and offer thousands of pounds to be romanced and he took advantage of it.

  My phone vibrates against the wooden floor and the noise drills into my head. My life has been one non-stop, crazy journey over the last couple of months and I’m exhausted.

  Everyone in that backstage room must have known what was occurring behind my back and all the while they were kind to my face. Then there was Elijah, I thought it was cute how Jasper had set it all up just for me, and now I feel dirty. At first the tears struggle to fall because I’m too angry. Then they flow like a dam has burst its bank. When they begin to dry, I fall asleep to the phone vibrating across the floor and I’m awoken to someone knocking at the door.

  I immediately know it isn’t Gabriella. She has a key and wouldn’t hesitate to let herself in.

  I lay where I am as the knocking continues and then the fucking phone goes off again. When it cuts off, another round of knocking entails and his voice floats through the wooden door.

  “Remi?”

  It goes quiet for a moment and I creep out of bed and tiptoe over to the door. I squint through the peephole and he’s stood there, bracing each hand against the door, hanging his head.

  “Are you in there? If you are, please answer me. I’m freaking the fuck out and I can’t work out why you would run off.”

  His concern sounds and from what I can see, looks genuine. Oh man, he’s such a good actor. Hey, for all I know, he might be an actor too.

  “The night I met you, was that the first time you knew I existed on this earth?” I shout through the door.

  I continue to watch him through the peephole and he freezes. The older woman was right, every single word she spewed from her greedy mouth was spot on.

  Rage consumes my pity and sadness and I fling the door open so fast, he springs back.

  “You used me for attention for your band. You played me and made me fall for you, you even had sex with
me,” I begin, and my voice grows too loud. “All the while, you were plotting and laughing behind my back.”

  “No, it wasn’t like that, not at all, Remi.”

  “No? Please, enlighten me then because from what I heard, I’m your publicists wet dream.”

  I cross my arms over my chest and try to contain my anger. His face is setting me off just looking at him. Yet, he has the audacity to act affronted when he registers what I said.

  “What did you hear?”

  “I heard everything, how Fisher was right about getting to know me and how it would be great publicity for the band. How I’m going to make you all so rich you can retire by next Christmas. I could carry on, but why should I, you already know this, you’re the one who planned it all.”

  He goes to take a step towards me and reach for my hand, but I’m faster and step back inside, leaving a healthy distance between us.

  “I’ve said a lot of shit in my life but every word I’ve said to you has been real.”

  “It was just behind my back, the real you spoke. Yeah, I get it.”

  “Please, let me explain myself.”

  “I don’t need you to explain yourself.”

  “What do you need?”

  “I need you to leave. From day one, this hasn’t been real and now I can’t stand to even look at you.”

  “Remi.”

  I can’t even stand to hear his voice. I always thought I’d be a shouter and scream my side of the argument in a relationship, it turns out, it hurts too much to speak, not that we’re in a relationship.

  I take another step back and close the door, quickly locking up behind me. I pick up the television remote and turn the volume up to its highest setting, so I can’t hear anything from the outside hall, and I climb into bed.

  I can’t be sure if my eyes hurt from crying, or because I’ve just had the worst night sleep of my life, but when Gabriella lets herself in, I stay in bed and sigh when mattress dips behind me and she half lays across my legs, so she can see my face.

  “I’m so sorry, Remi.”

  “How do you know?”

  I haven’t spoken to her and it’s not like I got drunk and plastered it over Flipped.

  “Jasper told me everything.”

  Jasper? What happened for that to happen?

  “How?”

  “From what I gathered, he slept in his car all night. He’s gone now, and I hope never to return.”

  Normally my heart would have spiked hearing he slept outside, for me, in the winter, but I feel nothing. His conscious would have kept him warm, or his fancy heating in his fancy car on account that he is a fucking rock star.

  “I give up,” I say to Gabs.

  “No, Rem. Give up on him, yes. But, don’t give up on who you are.”

  She scoots up the bed and dives under the covers with me. I understand, it’s flipping freezing in here.

  She lays down, facing me and she’s worried for me, I can see it in her eyes.

  “After my mum died, my dad couldn’t bear her to be gone. He would still set her a plate and cook her dinner, he would buy three tickets for the cinema when he would take me to distract ourselves, he even washed her clothes with ours even though she hadn’t worn them. It might not have been romantic, but he loved her so much he couldn’t process a life without her. Jasper was right, I want a lifetime of love of little things. How can he know that about me when I didn’t know it myself and yet, be so fake about everything?”

  That’s the question I’ve been trying to answer myself all night and I have nothing.

  “I wish I knew for you, Rem,” she murmurs, and I know she does.

  My phone buzzes from where it still lays on the floor and I’m surprised it still has charge left in it. It’s either Jasper or another Flipped notification and I can’t deal with any of them.

  “Please delete everything for me, I don’t want any of it sending me anything. I want it all gone.”

  I watch her climb out of bed and scoop my phone up from the floor, she quickly grabs my laptop from the shelf and runs back to the warmth under the covers.

  “You need to get your boiler sorted, you can’t go through the rest of winter like this.”

  “It’s not broken, I forgot to turn the heating on last night,” I tell her and she near enough growls at me.

  I close my eyes to the click-clacking of the computer keys as her finger tips hit each one and I ignore her mutterings as she reads through whatever is capturing her attention.

  “Maybe you should look at this, Rem,” she murmurs, and I roll over.

  “I don’t want to see any of it. I need it gone.”

  I don’t want any reminders of my stupid mistakes over the last couple of months. The minutes roll by while she gets rid of it all and then she turns off the laptop, gets up and fills the kettle.

  She fiddles with the thermostat and blows into her hands before sorting out two cups of tea.

  “Thank you, Gabs. You’re a good friend to me and I love you so much for it.”

  She smiles over at me as the kettle comes to the boil and blows me a kiss.

  “When the men make us cry, we’re all we have. When I know your heart is breaking, there is no where I would be other than right here building your strength back up.”

  My vision blurs through the tears and I breathe through the pain as she pours our teas and comes back to the bed.

  I sit up and take my drink and manage a small smile for her. My head is light and screams to lay back down.

  “My heart hurts, Gabs,” I cry without shedding a tear.

  “I know, Hun. I would offer to get drunk with you, but you might end up going viral again.”

  This is why she’s my best friend, even in this much pain, she makes me laugh.

  My phone goes off again and before she can get to it and delete the message or reject the call, I pick it up and see it’s a message from Jasper.

  Another apology from what I can make out from the one line of text on the notification.

  I hit delete without opening it up and block his number. He went out of his way to use me and it wasn’t even for the money. I type his name into the search engine and thousands of hits come back. I ignore the many images and scroll down the page. It starts off with news articles about how romanced the girl from the internet and reporters questioning what’s happening between us now.

  I scroll by them all and he has a Wiki page. I hit the link and it gives me all the information I need on him.

  His name is Jasper James Fisher, at least he didn’t lie about his name. He was born on the twenty-sixth of July in California. Again, that’s what he’s told me.

  His career is bullet pointed and goes on for a while, it’s the personal section I can’t bring myself to read yet and I turn my phone off.

  “How did I not know who he was?”

  “Because you have good taste in music,” she snorts and I half smile. “None of us know every singer and band out there. If you were into rock music, I’m sure you would have heard of him.”

  “I suppose.”

  We both drink our teas and end up lying back down. I have no idea how long she lays with me, or if we sleep on and off. All I do know is night falls and the lamp is gradually switched on, offering a soft glow around us and the room warms up. I even sneak my toes out the bottom of the covers.

  “As much as you were sceptical of finding romance on this journey, you did want it after all, and I honestly believed there would be someone out there for you and after the other night, I thought that was Jasper. He’s a fucking dick, and I’m glad you saw his true colours before it went any further.”

  I know she means well, and I’ll be forever grateful for her putting up with me today, but I just want to be alone.

  “Go home, Gabriella.”

  “I’m not leaving you today, Remi,” she throws back at me.

  “I promise I’m fine. I’m going to have a bath, wallow in my own misery and go to sleep.” If I can, but I don’t add
that. “And when I wake in the morning, I’m going to put that last couple of months in the past and forget I ever went through any of it. I’ll be in work as usual, and I’ll pick us up our usual lattes on the way.”

  “Remi…”

  “Gabs, I was fine before him and I’ll be fine after him,” I promise her.

  I might not be quite the same, but I will be fine. I broke after my parents left me and I made a life for myself after them. I’ve never had love from a guy and I don’t see how I’ll miss what I’ve never had.

  My best friend knows me so well, she can see I’m being true to my words and I will be fine, sad but fine. She doesn’t like it, but she climbs out from under the covers and she slips into her coat and knee-high boots that I used to love.

  “Call me if you need anything and if you don’t want to come into work tomorrow, don’t. We’ll handle your appointments for as long as you need.”

  “Thanks, Gabs.”

  I don’t know what else to say and luckily I don’t have to find the words because she leaves, and I shiver from being out of bed for the first time today.

  I lock up behind her and scan through my DVDs. I push all the mind melting romances under my bed and pick one of the few horror films I own.

  Blood and gore, stupid girls running up the stairs instead of running out the front door, and jump scares is what I need tonight instead of declarations of love.

  I grab the bottle of wine I was saving for Christmas, uncork it and fall back in bed. Clicking play, I settle in and swig a large gulp of dry white wine, and that’s where I stayed on and off for the next week.

  I didn’t go to work, I didn’t turn my phone on, and I didn’t bathe for the first three days.

  I went through as many horror films as I could and found myself enjoying the new genre, I previously hadn’t given a chance.

  Perhaps it’s time I changed more than my interests in movies. I’ve lived in a bubble of romance for far too long and it’s brought me nothing but pain and many, many lonely nights. I remember Melanie Torrance in one home I was in, she was broken hearted over David Mills, and she turned emo for six weeks, she returned to her usual self when the new boy at the home took a liking to her.