Nameless

by Marni MacRae

  His tone is final, and I realize we were called into the office to get everyone on the same page. Lee is not to help his brother stomp around in fields wasting precious tax dollars.

  Lee closes the door behind us as we exit and gives me an apologetic smile. “Sorry, man, he can be pretty harsh, but he’s a good boss.” He turns to Eve and sighs. “Look, I can’t do anything on the clock, but make up that list and get it to me. I’ll put it in the file. In the meantime, I’ll go through missing persons and keep an eye on it. If I run across anything that might help, Nick and I can check it out on our own time. And if we get a hit on missing persons I’ll contact you at once.”

  “Thank you, Lee. I really appreciate what you and Officer Hansette did for me. I will start a list and bring it by.”

  Lee nods and shakes Eve’s hand again before turning to me. “Hey, man, Ana is having her May Day barbeque. She made me promise to ask if you would come.”

  “I always do.” I’m confused why that’s a big deal. Anabel is famous for her neighborhood barbeque every spring, and I actually look forward to it.

  “Yeah, she wants you to ask Eve.” Realizing how dumb he sounded asking me to ask Eve when she’s standing right beside him, he sighs and turns to look down at her. “Hey, you wanna come to my wife’s really big barbeque and get gawked at all day? Free food and beer.”

  I see flash of panic in Eve’s eyes as she darts a look at me, then watch as she straightens her spine and gives Lee a genuine smile.

  “I would love to come to Ana’s big barbeque and get gawked at all day. Will Gabe be there?”

  Lee looks surprised to hear Eve ask about his son but recovers quickly. “Oh, yeah, he loves stuffing himself with hotdogs and running wild with the neighborhood kids. We shut the street down for it.”

  “Well, then, tell Anabel I will be there. Oh, can I bring a guest?”

  “Sure, uh, bring anyone you want…um, you know Nick is already coming, right?”

  Lee is plainly confused. He knows Eve has only been here two days and has no memory of anyone. How could she have a guest to bring? I chuckle beside him as I realize she has two or three I could name off the top of my head. No telling how many people have fallen in love with Eve in forty-eight hours.

  “Oh, yes, I know,” Eve answers, “I was hoping he would offer the three of us a ride.”

  “Three? Ok, never mind, you bring as many people as you want. Ana will owe me big for getting you to come. Thanks. ”

  He grins widely, smacks me on the back and strolls off to his desk whistling. I’m betting he’ll use his brownie points for a fishing trip.

  “Where to now?” I ask. “Are you hungry? We could grab a bite at Mel’s.”

  “No, thank you, Nick. I was hoping you could give me a ride somewhere.”

  “Yeah, sure. Where do you want to go?”

  “To a cornfield.”

  Chapter 15

  “Are you sure about this?” Nick turns to me in the cab of the truck, fiddling with the keys in his left hand. I can see the concern written on his face and he seems nervous. I wonder at that distractedly and turn to find the strap of my seatbelt.

  “No. Well, yes.” I click the buckle ends together and face him again. “I don’t know really.” Taking a deep breath, I blow it out and settle back against the bench seat.

  “I have to face the facts, Nick. I have to accept that my life isn’t my own. I’m not Eve.” I hear the sadness in that statement and close my eyes before they threaten to tear up. “Not really. But I want to be. I’m growing to love Brighton Valley, the opportunity it presents to start fresh in such a literal way. But Nick,” I look over at him, trying to catch his eye as he watches his fingers roll the keys in his palm. Finally, he looks up, and I see the gray color of his eyes darken. He’s just as nervous as I am. I realize it but continue as honestly as I can.

  “I can’t be Eve. These last two days have been confusing and scary and even fun in some moments. I will go forward, work for Elizabeth and grow a garden. Maybe even work for you. Watch cartoon movies and meet Anabel at her barbeque. But the truth is, I am someone else. Whoever that woman is, she may not be…worthy of everything Eve is building here.”

  “How can you say that?”

  Nick tosses the keys on the dash as if he will refuse to drive me to the field, and I cringe at the harsh sound they make sliding across the hard surface. He turns to me and takes my hands firmly in his. I see pain now coloring the gray in his eyes.

  “How could you believe that a new name makes you someone else? Who you were before had history, yes, another name certainly, and people too that colored your life, but you are still you. Jane Doe, Eve Brighton, or Mary Smith, it wouldn’t matter. You are you on the inside, you’re just…”

  “Empty?” I fill in for him.

  “No. You’re here instead of there.”

  He jerks his head in the direction I assume the field lies.

  “I’ll admit,” Nick says, almost in a whisper, “that you may be a mother, a wife.” He pauses for a moment and then looks up and stares at me as if I am hurting him. “That is a large thing. Important. And can’t be denied. You left something. It could be you left something worth discarding, but there’s just as much of a chance that somebody is searching for you, missing you terribly. So, yes, I’ll take you. I’ll help you find answers. But while you are here, while you are Eve…”

  Nick smiles, though his eyes still hold pain I am certain my own eyes reflect back.

  “While you are Eve,” he says again, “you have me.”

  He looks almost shocked the words came from him, but then I watch as he settles into the statement and relaxes his grip on my fingers. We are quiet for a while. Perhaps as many as five minutes pass while I stare at him. Digesting my intentions. His statement.

  I hate being so torn. Touching Nick makes me feel like I am home. Why would I search for something that will only tear that apart? I know wherever I came from, it wasn’t a happy place. Whoever I left behind didn’t make me feel like this. If they had, I would have never, ever left.

  But I can’t just brush off this mystery like it means nothing. I can’t fool myself into thinking it won’t haunt me. In the bath last night, after Intsy came to keep me from slipping into the blackness, from screaming until no one wanted me in their home. At their barbeque. To take me to lunch or bring me coffee—who wants a screaming, crazy girl after all—I came to understand that my decision to move forward as Eve was fooling myself into thinking that would make me her.

  What if I start screaming in the garden or pass out at the barbeque? What happens when I hear voices that aren’t mine in my head and start talking to myself? Would Nick be so quick to show up with beverages? Would Elizabeth want me in her carriage house? Would Anabel tell all her friends I’m nuts and a danger to children?

  I stare at Nick, and he lets me look. He is the only place I want to be. And that is why I have to fix me. I will ask Dr. Leesing to help me find a way to remember, and once I know my name, when I can be sure I am hurting no one by leaving, I will come back. I’ll find Nick.

  “Nick.” I close my eyes and take a breath, not sure what I mean to say, and then he interrupts before I can figure it out.

  “Don’t say anything. Don’t feel guilty or obliged to say anything.” He runs a finger down my cheek, along my jaw and then lets his hand drop. “Just know I am here if you need me. I’ll help you find answers. It’s what I planned all along, I just…”

  He stops and gives a wry grin then turns away to fetch the keys off the dash.

  “I guess I just fooled myself into thinking it doesn’t matter, your amnesia.”

  He sits back and turns the key to start the engine. As the truck hums around us, Nick sighs. His features are almost hidden as he turns his face to the side window, hands resting loosely on the steering wheel. “It does, though. Of course it does. And you deserve answers.” He glances over at me as he puts the truck in gear and begins backing away from the station.”
Let’s go to a corn field.”

  * * *

  The sun is shining again today with puffy clouds skimming across the blue expanse of sky like overfed geese out for a frolic. As Nick stops the truck alongside the road, I stare out at the seemingly endless rolling hills of dark earth and baby corn.

  It doesn’t seem scary now. Without rain and cold or coming night, the view appears hopeful now. Offering a promise of waving green stalks in the months to come. Funny what a couple of days and some sunshine can do. And shoes. I glance down at my feet, wiggling my toes in my new, warm, work boots.

  Knowing I would be in the field once again, I had asked Nick to stop by Elizabeth’s on the way here. I ran in and changed quickly, donning a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and a thin dark blue jacket I found hanging in the closet.

  I feel like a completely different person than the one who had wandered out of the muddy expanse before me only two days ago.

  With a couple days of sun, the field had been working on drying out. But as I step from Nick’s truck, my new shoes meeting soft, damp earth, I am glad for the detour to change. My white shoes would have been ruined in only a few steps.

  “I called old man Jenson while you were changing.” Nick rounds the front of the truck and comes to stand beside me. “He says not to mess up his corn and to stop asking to mess up his corn.” Nick shrugs his broad shoulders and chuckles. “That sounded like a go-ahead to me.”

  “If I ever meet him, I will have to thank him for his generosity.”

  “You have a strange definition of generosity, little dove.”

  I love the new nickname. Even though it still has the word “little” in it, it brings to mind Noah on his Ark, hoping for land. Doves symbolize hope, purity.

  “Hmm. I prefer to think of it as appreciation of others putting up with me.”

  I know I’m stalling. Procrastinating the decision to move forward. So I take a step toward the old dirt lane and start counting. One, two, three, four. The steps lead me back with a rhythm that would be soothing if it weren’t for the destination. I can picture the spot of my birth perfectly. I’m not returning to try and find it, I know exactly where it is. I want to see if I can shake loose something I hadn’t noticed while I cried in the rain, cold and terrified. Perhaps a calmer, warmer, shod me will remember something that wounded girl didn’t.

  Nick doesn’t speak as he strides alongside me. His steps are akin to a stroll compared to my limited gait. The difference in the length of our legs is so extreme it appears as if he has to focus to take shorter steps. I try not to smile but can’t help myself as I continue counting in my head. Two hundred and sixty-four steps. I stop and turn left. I believe it is south, and the afternoon sun shines into my eyes confirming the compass point.

  One, two, three, four. I start again, measuring my journey backward, recalling the pain in my feet. The chill that had seeped into me so deeply I couldn’t feel it. I had been numb everywhere. My mind scattered and unfocused. Now I am warm and determined, and I take the steps with purpose.

  The conversation in the truck runs through my mind alongside my counting. You have me. I almost lose track of my tally and set the warm thought aside. I will take time later to figure out what Nick meant by that. What that means to me. I want him. I want him in my life, by my side as he is now. I won’t pretend that isn’t a great desire in me. But I want to offer him someone he is worthy of. Broken Eve is not good enough.

  Whoever you truly are may not be either. The mean whisper strikes at me, but I don’t ignore it. I know it’s true.

  Three hundred and twenty-three. “Here.” I look at the earth and confirm this is my beginning.

  After a night of rain and two days to dry, the spot still looks much the same. I can see large boot prints circling the pressed earth where I awoke and realize they must belong to Lee and Nick.

  I lift my face to the sky, letting the slight breeze cool my warm cheeks and turn slowly. Taking in the view that had been gray that evening. Bright, shining, and warm now.

  I breathe deeply, thankful Nick has remained silent. I can’t explain what I’m looking for, what I think I will find. Gingerly I step between the crushed corn where I had knelt in the rain and lower myself down to my knees. I settle there, in the position I had awoken in and place my hands in the earth, closing my eyes.

  I ran. I ran from… I feel a tremor inside me as my mind flashes to the rain. A chill runs down my spine as if I were wet as I was then, and I let it pass through me. I ran. I encourage the sense of weight that settles on me. The mourning and confusion. It tangles in with my thoughts, and I follow the maze of pain back to that night. I ran from…

  “Be grateful, girl…” The voice is a harsh memory I strike out at.

  “No.”

  “You be grateful!” A door slams, and I hear the distinct sound of a lock turning. The click is familiar and sharp in my ear.

  “No!” I’m not denying gratitude now. I know it’s the door. The lock. The trap I can’t run from. “No!”

  But I did run. I ran from…

  “Eve. Enough. Eve!”

  Nick is kneeling in the soft earth in front of me when my eyes fly open. His hands are on my shoulders, holding me still. Gripping me as if he is afraid I will combust. Turn to dust. I almost think I will.

  My heart is racing in my head. I hear the pounding. No, that’s me. Pounding against the door. The ringing in my ears blocks out the voice I think is calling my name. “What is my name?” I scream at the person on the other side. The ringing turns to a high-pitched hum, dark spots bursting in my peripheral vision. I think someone is talking to me, I think I hear him call out…then I hear nothing, and I am floating in the blue, blue sky.

  When I awake in the field this time, it’s not raining. And I’m not alone.

  Nick is sitting in the damp field, and I’m curled up in his lap as if I had decided to take a little nap. I sit up quickly and look around, trying to place the voice that had been calling. I think it said my name…

  “Eve. Wait. Be still. Just wait.” Nick pulls me back against him and wraps his arms around me. The hold is firm, but rather than feeling trapped, I feel protected.

  “Nick.” I sigh it out on a breath of relief, trying to clear my head of other voices and a pounding that beats at me like fists on a door. My fists on a door.

  I know it’s true. I feel the memory of being trapped. Confined. I turn into Nick’s chest. “What do I do?”

  “Just hold on, little dove. Let it pass.”

  “Nick,” I say his name again because it grounds me. Brings me to the here and now, away from the tangle of noises I’m having a hard time shaking. I can’t keep melting down. I cling to him as the admonishment runs through my head, and I know I need to get a grip, let go of him and stand on my own.

  I knew coming here would do something. I don’t think I had a clear expectation, but I can’t pretend I am surprised with my response to this place. I asked for it. Now I need to handle it and make the next decision. “Can we go now?”

  “Yes.”

  His voice is final, no preamble or coddling. He doesn’t like it here. He doesn’t like seeing you like this.

  I know I am dragging Nick along in this crazy mess. I don’t know what I would do if it were him screaming and passing out. I don’t even know if I was speaking aloud before the dark spots took me under. The mind is a powerful and mysterious place. I had felt as if I wasn’t even in the field, as if I were at that door hammering and screaming at the one who turned the lock.

  Nick rises gracefully to his feet, still holding me in his arms, and begins striding out of the field, his back to the sun.

  “You can put me down, I can walk.”

  I peek up at his face and see an expression new to me. At least on him. Anger.

  “Not a chance.”

  He doesn’t loosen his hold on me even slightly, and before I know it we are on the dirt lane, halfway back to the truck. His legs eat up the distance like it’s nothing and the bu
rden of carrying me doesn’t cause him to even catch his breath. I can feel the anger rolling off him. His jaw is set and his eyes have turned hard. It scares me enough to hold my tongue and let him have his way. I should have never asked him to bring me here. I should have come alone.

  I hate that I have angered him and can’t think of a way to make it up to him. We reach the truck, and Nick very gently places my feet on the ground. He doesn’t release me entirely though, keeping one hand wrapped around my waist, holding me against him as he opens the passenger door of the truck.

  I move away from him, using the metal bar step on the truck to boost myself toward the seat that is at chest level to me when I am on the ground. I feel his hands at my waist, lifting me. I turn to sit, keeping my feet outside the door, facing him as he stands there looking mad and ready to spit nails.

  I take a breath and try to apologize.

  “Nick, I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t.” He shakes his head sharply and looks out over the hood of the truck. “Don’t apologize, Eve. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

  I see his jaw clench and my heart twists. “Please don’t be mad at me.” I whisper it, not sure if I want him to hear me pleading.

  “Mad at you? Eve, mad at you? Eve, I’m not…oh, god.”

  He runs a hand through his hair and then smacks it against the side of the truck causing me to flinch away from him.

  “Eve,” Nick says more calmly. “I’m sorry…it’s just that someone has done something to you to get you to scream like that. You sounded like…well, like you were scared and hurt, and dammit.”

  Nick steps away from the truck and paces a few feet, pausing at the edge of the field. After a few seconds, he strides back to the truck, directly to me and grabs me. His hands wrap around my waist firmly but without hurting me, and he pulls me to him. My legs have no choice but to wrap around him. My hands reach for his shoulders, quickly winding their way into his hair as his mouth crashes down on mine.