The Words Shimmer

by Jenn Matthews

  “I touch my friends from time to time. It’s a way of offering support and comfort. Surely you have friends and touch them from time to time?”

  “Hm.” She continued to scrutinise Mel until she was apparently satisfied, if not ecstatic, with the conclusion of the issue. “Then perhaps you’d be so kind as to keep your opinions and rhetoric to yourself in the future to avoid confusion. Children are impressionable, and I have a responsibility for them and their morality.” With that, she spun on her heel and led the class out of the garden area and into the university building.

  Mel was staring after her, her mouth open in shock. It wasn’t Mel’s first encounter with homophobia, nor would it be the last. But it never failed to shock her that someone who was supposed to be educated, who was in charge of helping to shape the minds of the future, could display such short-sighted bigotry. Never. She turned towards Ruby, ready to make sure she was okay, and then bitch and moan about the old bag. But Ruby wasn’t looking at her.

  She was breathing quickly and grasping her head in her hands. Muttering to herself, she went into the shed and closed the door behind her.

  Left alone in the garden, Mel stood awkwardly and decided to allow Ruby some space. She assumed Ruby was feeling vulnerable and needed time to process. Noting the similarities between the way Ruby and her own father used the shed—when she was a child, he would disappear into it when things got a bit much—Mel cleared away the remaining compost bags and took a brush to sweep the grass free from discarded debris.

  Once the area was clean and there was nothing more she could occupy herself with, Mel stepped up to the shed and knocked on the door. When no answer emerged, she knocked again. “Ruby, let me in?”

  A soft and resigned voice filtered through the wood: “Okay.”

  Mel pulled the door open and clumped her boots onto the wooden base as she closed the door behind her.

  Ruby leant against the shelf by the small window, the light from outside reflecting off her glasses. Tears had gathered in her eyes behind them but hadn’t yet fallen.

  Stepping up carefully to her, Mel reached out to place a hand on her shoulder. “Hey, don’t be upset.”

  “Why did you have to go and come out to a load of Year 4s? Couldn’t you have kept your blooming mouth shut?” Ruby’s voice was thin and hitched with sobs.

  Mel bit her lip and shook her head. “No. I don’t do that unless I’m at work.” She sighed. “Actually, even if I’m at work, I talk openly about it, so long as it’s not going to cause more trouble than it’s worth.”

  “Why?” Ruby sounded as if she’d never heard anything so terrible.

  “I realised I was gay at a time when it was considered dirty and dangerous. The eighties weren’t exactly kind to gay people, in general. I’m sure you remember.”

  “I do,” Ruby said, snuffling. She moved a step closer on the wooden floor and touched Mel’s elbow.

  “I had friends that hid. And so did I for a while. But once it became more acceptable, and Section Twenty-Eight was repealed in 2003, I made a promise to myself to never hide who I am. From anyone.”

  Ruby just nodded, using her free hand to wipe her eyes underneath her glasses.

  “It’s never gone wrong. I always explain myself openly if people have an issue with it, and I’ve never had any serious problems. People tend to be pretty understanding about it.”

  “What if they’re not though? And you get assaulted or something?”

  “Happy to take that risk, believe it or not.” Mel took a chance and shifted her feet so she could slide her arm around Ruby’s shoulders.

  Ruby rested her forehead against Mel’s neck, and Mel pulled her in for a warm hug with both arms. Ruby’s hands came to settle against Mel’s back.

  “If people choose to react like that to my gay-ness…” Mel paused at Ruby’s snort into her coat. “Then that’s their problem.”

  Snuffling, Ruby pulled back and wiped at her eyes again. “I’m sorry. Blimey, look at me. I don’t cry, usually, I promise.”

  “It’s okay,” Mel said gently, stroking the back of her fingers over Ruby’s cheek once before dropping her hand. “I suppose it must be difficult to deal with if you’re not used to being out.”

  “I’m just a very private person.” Ruby turned to look out of the window, her sobs finished and her face relaxing. “I do worry about what she said though—Mrs Denzie—about it being inappropriate.”

  “She was seeing things that weren’t there.”

  “Was she?”

  “Wasn’t she?”

  “I suppose it’s not exactly something we’ve properly talked about.”

  “Apart from the fact that we both admitted we find each other attractive.” Mel grinned, and when Ruby turned back to her, she winked. She was pleased at the smile she got in return.

  “True.” Ruby seemed to gather herself. “She said it was inappropriate.”

  “Do you believe that?”

  “It’s not really what I believe that’s important.” Ruby looked at her wellies and scuffed one on the scratchy floor. “I need to look into it.”

  “Look into what?”

  “The whole… teacher-student relationship… The policy.”

  “There’s a policy about whether I’m allowed to find you attractive?” Mel tried to make the mood light, but something stone-like was settling into her stomach. Does she really think that being in a romantic relationship in front of the kids is inappropriate?

  “I need to check.” Ruby nodded once, and then glanced up at Mel. “Give me a few days to figure it out?”

  “Of course.” Mel blinked. She tried to work out from Ruby’s expression what she meant, but couldn’t. I suppose she knows what she’s talking about. I’m sure she’ll tell me once she knows where we stand.

  “Thank you.” Ruby rubbed Mel’s arm, and Mel looked down at her hand, the short and pretty nails, and the silver ring that rested on her middle finger.

  “It’s fine.”

  “I think I’m ready to go outside now.” Ruby’s blush was visible even in the dim light of the shed.

  “Oh, I don’t know, I rather like it in here.” Mel looked around at the collection of tools and various bags of things they were keeping in the shed.

  Ruby smacked her lightly on the arm. “This really is inappropriate. Utilising university property to engage in light flirtation.”

  Mel raised her hands in the air. “Who said I was flirting?”

  Ruby just smiled at her and pushed the shed door open. Sunlight streamed in, and Mel followed her out of the wooden construction, chuckling.

  Chapter 13

  Tapping away at her computer, Ruby groaned out loud. She had found the policy she had been looking for and had read it. And re-read it. Phrases like educational development and wellbeing, professional integrity, and inequality of power screamed out at her from the screen. She rubbed her palms against her trouser legs hurriedly and sat ramrod straight. It’s wrong. It doesn’t feel wrong, but it says it here in black and white.

  The consensus appeared to be that relationships between students and staff were inappropriate, as Ruby had first suspected. She skimmed the remainder of the policy, her heart thudding and her head aching, as if she had been kicked. I’m a teacher; she’s a student. Our relationship needs to be purely professional.

  Tears stung her eyes, surprising her. She wiped at them and shook her head slowly as the words on the screen blurred. She closed the window and leant her head on her hand, her fingers gripping the hair at her temple as it hung down and formed a curtain around her face. She used it to hide from the world… just for a heartbeat or two. She had a class in ten minutes anyway.

  Footsteps into her office alerted her to Alexander’s presence. She heard him stand still somewhere, probably unsure what to do when confronted with a distraught superior, so she pushed her
hair back and offered him a small nod of acknowledgement. She took off her glasses and wiped her eyes again, then spent a few seconds cleaning her lenses before pushing them back onto her nose. Sighing, she pulled a more cheerful expression onto her face.

  “Afternoon,” she said, patting down her hair and tucking it behind her ears.

  “Afternoon, Ruby,” he replied in his straightforward way.

  Regarding him from across the room, Ruby took in his kind face, pale skin, and blue eyes. He was, as usual, wearing a business suit to work, and she wondered curiously what he wore at home. Somehow, she couldn’t imagine him in jeans or jogging bottoms. Perhaps he just takes off his jacket and rolls up his sleeves.

  “I have a question for you,” Ruby said, reaching over her desk to turn off her computer screen.

  “Professional or personal?” He always made sure he knew the context of a conversation before he engaged in responding. She admired that—he always wanted to be so prepared.

  “A bit of both, actually.” Her foot tapped the footrest she used under her desk, and she forced her knee to stop bouncing. “Have you ever known anyone to engage in a personal relationship with a student?” She paused, then realised her mistake at his confused look. “A member of staff, I mean.”

  “A member of staff and a student?” he repeated. “Yes. Two couples spring to mind.”

  “Do they?” She knew that he knew this was a prompt for him to continue.

  “One five years ago, and one about… eight.” He touched his chin and moved towards his own desk.

  “What happened?”

  “No names, of course.”

  She nodded.

  “One was a female member of staff, from the pastoral services, I believe, who met privately for a drink with a male student. He was going to her because he was being bullied. It appears as though they met a few times, for drinks, or coffee, in very much a personal capacity. Someone saw them together and reported it to the dean.”

  “What happened?”

  “She was fired. He was transferred, I think.” His eyebrows turned downwards, little lines appearing between them. “The other instance was a little longer ago. I believe it was a similar situation; however, the genders were reversed.”

  Lead gathered inside Ruby. She blinked and looked down at her knees. Scratching methodically at her trouser leg, she pulled her bottom lip into her mouth.

  “Is there a reason why you are asking?”

  Ruby looked back up at him and then leant tiredly against the back of her chair, closing her eyes.

  He shuffled towards her, and his hand smoothed against her shoulder. Unused to him, or anyone, touching her in so intimate a manner, her eyes popped open.

  The concern in his eyes was plain, and it took away some of the lead in her belly. “Mel and I… I was researching into… Because my girls helpfully reminded me that she’s a student and I’m a teacher. Like it’s some kind of blue movie or…” She huffed and turned her head to press her cheek against the back of his hand.

  He removed it. “I don’t understand the concept of blue movies. However, if you’re dating a student, I’m afraid it’s against university policy.”

  “As I feared.” She groaned and then shrugged. “I suppose even being friends with a student is inappropriate.”

  “Not strictly. The university understands that it is not a police state, and that it cannot dictate who you meet socially.” A smile tugged the sides of his mouth. “Just who you sleep with.”

  “Oh. So friends is fine?”

  “I believe so. But you really should read the policy.”

  Ruby nodded once and pushed herself out from under her desk. “I have a class.”

  “Third-year anatomy, I know.”

  “You are good to me,” Ruby sighed, sending him a soft look.

  He returned to his desk, straightened his tie, and gave her a one-handed wave.

  The aquarium was almost completely empty. One or two young mothers with small children hung around any particularly colourful or energetic tanks, gazes mostly fixed on their phones as their children pressed their little noses up against the glass, anxious to see as many fish as possible; or perhaps to give themselves a permanent squint from the curved surface of the glass.

  The smeared tanks made Ruby wrinkle her nose; Mel simply chuckled. Ruby’s continued reluctance to go anywhere near a child remained, despite their first, mostly successful, gardening group. Mel watched her face crinkle as another small, snotty child wiped its face all over a starfish tank, and she pressed her hand to her mouth to catch the laugh that bubbled up.

  “You’re not going to catch anything,” Mel said, her hand moving to the small of Ruby’s back—right where she remembered Ruby’s hand had strayed when she had helped her on her very first day. “Look. All clean.” Mel rubbed the glass with the sleeve of her hoodie, and Ruby’s face crumpled even more.

  “Disgusting. Who knows how many germs these kids have deposited on the tanks? You know…” she leant sideways towards Mel and dropped her voice to a hiss, “… I believe this is how Ebola started.”

  “Could be,” Mel said mock-seriously.

  Ruby seemed to notice Mel’s hand at her back and smiled before stepping away.

  Mel blinked, and her heart fell. Am I reading this wrong? She hasn’t stopped finding me attractive, surely? Then she remembered she was supposed to be giving Ruby time to… do something. Find something out? She never had really got to the bottom of that. She still didn’t understand.

  But she pushed the thoughts away. They were here as friends, and that was okay. It wasn’t exactly the most romantic of venues anyway—an aquarium made of mostly hardboard and filled with huge tanks containing various sea creatures. Having said that, it was well lit, and the water made the light flicker back and forth over the walls, giving the whole place an ethereal feel.

  The light played over Ruby’s hair as well, and her pretty skin. Mel thought she looked a bit like a mermaid, with her long wavy dark hair, her curvy hips, and interest in the creatures.

  An energy took Ruby over as they rounded the corner, and she balled her fists, trotting further into the huge room they had just entered. The walls curled up from waist height into a domed ceiling made of glass, and various larger sea monsters flew above their heads like large dragons in some fantasy film. The room was circular, with an entrance and an exit at opposite sides. Soft, smooth music played over the speakers, and the room itself was not lit. The only light came from the massive tank above their heads.

  Blue, green, and white lights danced across the floor as the sharks, rays, and larger fish swam about above them. Cushioned stools created a large block in the middle of the room—the size of a king-sized bed.

  A mother entered with her children, but one of them started to cry at the big scary fish, so they moved on. Mel could see no one behind them, so she lowered her backside onto the edge of the stool platform and then lay backwards, her feet on the floor.

  After a few moments of what Mel assumed were consideration, she felt Ruby settle beside her. One arm stuck straight up into the air, her finger pointing upwards. “The sixgill stingray. That’s the one I was telling you about.”

  A long-nosed ray, around the size of those Mel had seen before in aquariums, skittered across the surface of the tank and then dived down. It had a short tail and pink wings and looked more spaceship-like than its grey cousins.

  “Tell me about the sixgill stingray,” Mel requested, watching the ray flutter its wings and speed through the water, dodging sharks.

  “It’s only been found recently—well, classified at any rate. They thought there were a few different species of sixgill until they realised that individual differences made them look different when actually they’re the same.” Ruby dropped her hand, and her fingers touched Mel’s.

  Mel trailed one fingertip against Ruby�
�s before Ruby pulled away. Pulling her hands onto her belly, Mel laced her fingers together and continued to watch the ray dancing around.

  “Its nose is full of a gel material, and if you take it out of the water, or catch it, its nose shrinks.”

  “Sort of like a backwards Pinocchio.”

  A chuckle vibrated through their makeshift bed. “A bit, yes. And as you’ve probably guessed, they have six pairs of gills rather than five.”

  Ruby stopped talking as the ray spun upside down and glided close to them, its small eyes visible through the glass. Mel wondered whether it could see them and was checking them out, these strange animals that were lying on their backs and scrutinising the ray so devotedly.

  “If you look closely… Oh hello, gorgeous.”

  Mel turned her head to the side on the stools to look at the woman next to her, but apparently Ruby was addressing the ray, whom she was clearly very enamoured with. Instead of feeling disappointed, Mel chose to watch the fascination on Ruby’s face. She felt tingles shoot through her when Ruby beamed at the ray, giving it the same expression most people would give a new-born baby.

  “Sorry. He’s just so beautiful.”

  Mel chuckled and shifted her shoulders into the hard surface beneath her. “I do see the appeal. What am I looking closely at?”

  “Oh. His tail.” Ruby’s finger pointed again. “See, at the tip, it has a leaf-shaped bit? That’s his caudal fin. Isn’t it lovely?”

  “Very.” Mel wasn’t sure if she was talking about the ray or her own experience of being taught about it. She continued to watch Ruby’s face as she watched the fish. She almost looks blissed out, like she could fall asleep. Warmth flooded her. And she is so beautiful. I could look at her for hours.

  Shaking herself and sitting up with a grunt, Mel stretched her arms forward, chuckling at the cracks of both shoulder joints. She turned to watch Ruby for a minute or so, then stood and strolled slowly around the tank, giving the remaining fish her attention.

  An information board mounted on a plinth stood at one end. Mel eyed it warily. She walked up to it, dragging her feet a bit. I can at least find out if anything has a name. She peered at the board, but the words jumped around even more in the flickering light from the water above them. She backed away and stuffed her hands into her hoodie pockets, turning her gaze back towards the tank.