Live This Love

by Jamey Moody

  She took Riley’s hand. “A week or two later she showed up at one of our games and told me that her parents didn’t know she was gay but had found out she was hanging out with some of the gay players on the softball team and they were having a hard time with it. She said she wasn’t going to be around for a while. I felt bad for her but didn’t really think much about it because we really didn’t know each other and people handle coming out to their parents all sorts of ways.”

  “A couple of days later I was at my apartment when a detective knocked on my door. He asked me if I knew Lindsey and if we’d had sex. I didn’t lie because I knew that we hadn’t done anything wrong. What I didn’t know was that Lindsey was seventeen at the time. She looked like she was older and never said a thing. I incorrectly assumed that if she was out with us and drinking she had to be of age. Why would anyone bring her if she wasn’t?” Alex looked at the sky and shook her head feeling so stupid, once again. Riley didn’t say anything. She patiently waited.

  “The next thing I knew he arrested me and took me to jail. I was so afraid and confused. I called a friend to bail me out. I had just enough time to go home, clean up, and make it to work. Needless to say, I couldn’t believe how stupid I was and knew I needed a lawyer. Most of my friends rallied around me and wanted to help, but there wasn’t anything they could do. Lindsey’s dad just happened to be one of the big executives in the company where I worked. He was so upset about his daughter being gay that he wanted me sent to prison to teach her a lesson.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me,” Riley said.

  “Not at all. I was twenty-eight years old and should’ve known better. My lawyer tried to get me the best deal he could with the DA. I was sentenced to ten years’ probation and had to pay a fine. The worst part is that I have to register as a sex offender the rest of my life. I lost my job, and Lindsey’s dad made sure I couldn’t get another one in my field in Dallas. After paying my attorney, when I couldn’t get anything else, I moved home because I was out of money. My parents didn’t really know what to do. I was so ashamed and embarrassed and certainly didn’t want the town to know, but the law took care of that.”

  “What do you mean?” asked Riley.

  “Every so often they publish the names and addresses of the sex offenders in the town newspaper so everyone knows where they are. I found work, but it wasn’t much. After about a year the city council decided to pass an ordinance that limited where sex offenders could go. Anywhere that children would be was off limits. Just about every community function and all the schools fell into this category. I couldn’t even go to something as simple as the movies. I could go to church because they couldn’t limit that.” Alex paused so Riley could digest what she’d said.

  “I tried not to draw attention to myself and I made a few new friends, but I was horrified they’d find out. Thank goodness they didn’t read the newspaper. They would ask me to go to the movies or a town parade or things like that, and I always came up with an excuse. This went on for a year when Tina asked me to go to the Virgin Islands with her. She refused to let me become a hermit. I decided that a couple of weeks away might do me good, though it took almost all the money I had to go on the trip,” Alex said, finding Riley’s eyes. She couldn’t read what was going on in that beautiful head of hers.

  “When I got here I wandered into Peaches and immediately Liz came up to me and started a conversation. I cannot tell you how thankful I am for her. From that one conversation she took me in and gave me a purpose. I was able to transfer my probation and finish it. They don’t have the ordinances here like they do in some towns and cities in the states. I do have to register once a year on my birthday, and law enforcement is understanding and discreet,” Alex said wearily.

  “Liz is the only one that knows besides the police, and I know she hasn’t told anyone. I’ve never gotten close to anyone else because I’m so ashamed. That is, until you stepped into Peaches. I’ve wrestled with telling you because if you decide to stay, my sex offender status affects you, too. Someday it’s going to come out, and I don’t want you to go through the embarrassment my family did back in Texas. I just couldn’t stand doing that to you,” Alex said, her voice choking up as a tear spilled down her cheek.

  “Are you sure no one else knows?” Riley said quietly.

  “I know Liz wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “I believe you, Alex but, remember that man that yelled at us when we first came here?”

  “Yes, I remember. I’m not sure but, I think someone must have found me on the sex offender website. It happened a couple of years ago. They wrote things on my car. Liz went to the police chief and everything died down.”

  So many emotions were running through Riley’s mind and heart. She wanted to do nothing more than take Alex in her arms and comfort her, but there was still the fact that she took so long to tell her. Of course, Alex didn’t want to hurt her, but that was going to happen in life. If something came up that Alex knew would hurt Riley, would she keep it from her the way she did this?

  “I have a lot of questions, but first, I want to say that I know that was hard. Thank you for finally telling me,” she said, then took a deep breath. “What I need from you right now, Alex, is to promise me that you will not keep something from me, even though you know it may hurt me. We can get through anything if we do it together as long as we both know everything.”

  “I promise.” Alex then realized Riley said ‘we’, maybe they could get through this she thought.

  They sat in silence for what seemed like forever to Alex. She held Riley’s hand afraid to let go for fear she’d lose her.

  Riley couldn’t take the back and forth in her head any longer when Alex sat there so sad with tears in her eyes. She had a lot of questions, but one thing she knew in her heart was that she loved Alex. That was a good place to start.

  “I’ve got to think, Alex.”

  Alex nodded. “I know you do,” she said with a sad smile.

  Riley reached over and smoothed her thumbs across Alex’s cheeks, wiping her tears. She pulled her close and hoped she could feel the love surrounding them. They stayed that way a while, until Riley leaned back and tilted Alex’s face up so she could look into her eyes.

  “Would you take me back to your place?”

  “Of course,” she said standing up offering Riley her hand. They were walking back to the SUV, and Alex turned to Riley. She was afraid to ask but had to know.

  “Are we okay, Riley?”

  Riley looked at her. “We have a lot to talk about, but yes, we’re going to be okay.” She reached up, gave her a quick kiss, and they went to the SUV.

  There were so many questions running through her mind. She knew recounting this was hard on Alex and that she needed a break. On the way back they decided to stop in the bar and check on things. As they walked in Liz looked from one to the other trying to read what happened.

  “Is everything all right?” she asked.

  Riley looked around the bar. It wasn’t busy. “Do you think you could join us on the roof for a beer?” she asked.

  “Sure. Let me grab a six pack—or do we need more?”

  “We might need more. I have a lot of questions,” Riley answered.

  Liz grabbed the beer, noticing that Alex hadn’t said anything, and hoped everything was all right. She didn’t get a bad vibe, but she also knew this wasn’t over. Liz had come to love Riley and would do anything to help them get through this.

  They made their way up the stairs, and when everyone had a beer and had taken a seat, Riley said, “I’m very angry! I’d like to find this Lindsey and her father and beat the crap out of them! And I’m not really happy with you, Alex, for keeping this from me for so long.” Riley looked from Alex to Liz. “And let me add that I would’ve thought you would have pushed her to tell me sooner.”

  Alex and Liz stayed silent, sensing that Riley wasn’t finished.

  After taking a few pulls on her beer, Riley said, “I’ve been teach
ing high school a long time, and the kids keep finding ways to look older. I’ve had several students, including my niece, that have easily acquired fake IDs and made it into clubs or other places they shouldn’t be.” She got up and started to pace. “What infuriates me is this girl probably had no idea how much trouble she could get other people in. Not just you but all the people that were there watching her drink, not having any idea she wasn’t old enough.”

  “Yeah, but Riley, I should have been more careful and asked questions,” Alex said. “I have to admit that I never even thought about her being so young. But, as the court and police continued to drive home, I was the adult. It still makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it. I was such a dumbass! I thought I was some hotshot financial wizard on her way up.”

  “That’s because you were, Alex,” said Liz.

  Riley was trying to process everything Alex had told her earlier and asked, “You finished your probation but you still have to register?”

  “Yes, I have to register once a year on my birthday because I’m considered low risk. Some sex offenders,” Alex cringed as she said the words, “have to register more often. The higher the risk, the more they report.”

  “But that didn’t stop when you completed probation?”

  “No, I have to do it the rest of my life. Imagine when I’m eighty and walking into police headquarters to register,” Alex said, shaking her head.

  “The rest of your life! That doesn’t seem right. Shouldn’t that stop after all these years?”

  “No,” Liz said sadly. “I was mad, too, when Alex finally told me. But I checked into the laws, and they are really fucked up. Someone like you shouldn’t have to keep registering because you’re not a danger. Others that are a danger should keep reporting, but by having people like you in the system, it dilutes it so much that they can’t keep up with the bad ones. The laws need to be reformed, but it doesn’t look like that will happen any time soon.”

  “That sucks. Alex, did you have any indication that maybe if all this hadn’t happened you and this girl might have been together longer?”

  “Not at all. We just hooked up, as terrible as it is to say.”

  “So, if she hadn’t had this homophobic father, none of this would have happened?”

  “Probably not, but I was still in the wrong.”

  Riley continued to pace, obviously mad. “I just can’t believe it! He didn’t want his daughter to be gay, so he had you locked up. I hope she’s married to a woman and has two kids by now! I wonder if he’d have done the same thing if you’d been a man.” Riley fumed. “And to ruin your career, too! Fuck!”

  “I never saw her again. Some of my friends did, though, and said she felt horrible about it. She tried to get her dad to drop it, but after the initial charge was made it was out of his hands. He wouldn’t stop anyway; that’s why he put the word out so I couldn’t get a job.”

  “I heard of something similar happening at my school,” Riley said, trying to make sense of it all. “These kids dated and had sex when one had graduated and the other was still in high school. I never heard what happened to the boy, he was the older one, after they arrested him. I do know some of the teachers thought it was unfair because they were so close in age.”

  She got another beer and sat down.

  Alex said, “I’m really sorry, Riley. You shouldn’t have to deal with all this. That’s what I was trying to explain to you earlier.”

  Riley stared at Alex. “So, it’s all right for Liz to deal with this, but not me, the woman you’re in love with?”

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” Alex defended.

  “Sure sounded like it. Makes me wonder if you’d have told me at all if your family hadn’t let a few things slip.”

  Liz decided this would be a good time to leave. The couple obviously had more to discuss and didn’t need her there. She could tell that Alex’s past wasn’t the problem. Riley was upset because she had waited so long to tell her. She hugged them both and left them on the roof.

  Riley sat there with a sinking feeling in her stomach. She didn’t like this at all. She knew that she loved Alex, but this idea that she didn’t trust her enough to tell her this sooner was really eating at her. Is this what she had to look forward to? Would she always be pulling things out of Alex? All of a sudden, she was so tired and felt weighed down with all that had happened.

  Alex didn’t know what to say. She’d hurt Riley, and that was the last thing she ever wanted to do. Riley was so understanding about what happened, but she knew she was wrestling with how long it had taken Alex to be honest.

  They sat in silence for a while; then Alex got up and sat down next to Riley on the couch and took her hand. She turned to face her and said, “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I know this is about how long I waited to tell you, not what actually happened.”

  Riley stared hard at Alex and finally squeezed her hand. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. I need a little time to work through it, okay?”

  “Of course.” Alex hesitated, then asked, her voice shaking, “I’m not sure what that looks like. Do you need space?”

  “Do you want me to stay with Liz?” Riley asked as her stomach fell even more.

  “No! I just don’t know if you need space or what. I’ll do whatever you want, Riley.”

  Riley half smiled and released a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. “What I want right now is for you to put your arm around me and hold me for a bit.”

  Alex didn’t say a word. She took Riley in her arms. Riley laid her head on Alex’s shoulder and wrapped her arm around Alex’s middle. They stayed like this until the sun started to set; as the sky went from orange to red to gold to purple, they held on for dear life. So many thoughts and emotions ran through Riley’s head, but finally she decided that she’d find a way through this with Alex. How that was going to happen she had no idea, and Alex would have to do her part. They were in this together, and it was time Alex understood that.

  After a while Alex said softly, “I have dark days.”

  “What?”

  “When my birthday gets near, I start to relive this all over again. All the shame and embarrassment come flooding back when I walk into the station to register.” Alex took a deep breath. “You’d think after all these years it wouldn’t be so hard, but it is.”

  Riley raised her head. She could see the starlight reflected in Alex’s eyes along with tears. “I’m so sorry you have to go through that.”

  “That’s how I found the cove at the park. I had registered, and it made me feel so bad I took a bike ride and ended up at the park. It was quiet that day, no one around, and I could hear the water. I saw the hint of a trail, and when I broke through the trees there was this little oasis. I sat there for a long time, and eventually I felt better and rode back to town. It’s been a special place ever since; that’s why I wanted to take you there. I feel at peace there.” Alex took a breath. “That’s what’s so hard. It’s a constant tug-of-war in my mind because the way I feel is all my own doing. If I hadn’t been so stupid.”

  “You weren’t stupid. Maybe naïve or not thinking, but it wasn’t like you had sex with an underage girl on purpose.”

  “When I first met you and especially after that first night when I swear you grabbed my heart out of my chest. I was so happy, and then it hit me that I didn’t deserve it.”

  “Why don’t you deserve it? Alex, you made a mistake. You were punished and completed your probation. You deserve happiness as much as anyone.”

  Alex looked at Riley with such love. “But you don’t deserve this,” she whispered. “You deserve so much better.”

  Riley raised her eyebrows. “I don’t deserve you? I don’t deserve to be happy with you? I don’t agree. It looks to me like we have both found our way to one another, and it’s up to us to make our own happiness. Are you up for it?”

  “I’d do anything to make you happy,” Alex replied.

  “We’re a team, baby. We hav
e to work together. No more of this who deserves what. No more secrets. And just because you think I’m not going to like something doesn’t mean you keep it from me. Same goes for me. I took a leap and stayed here, and I wouldn’t change a thing. It’s hard not to be afraid, but I swear, Alex, if we trust each other, don’t you think we can do this?”

  “I do trust you! And I was afraid, but honestly, it’s a relief that I finally told you. I know you’re still mad at me, and I deserve…”

  “Deserve?” Riley interrupted, raising one eyebrow.

  Alex laughed. “Oops, don’t give up on me, let me rephrase. You should be mad at me.”

  “That’s better.”

  Alex looked thoughtful. “Thank you for talking about this. I keep it all inside, and I know that’s not good.”

  “Then tell me about it. What was it like back home in Texas?”

  Alex sighed. “It’s like you walk around and know everybody is looking at you. They aren’t, but that’s how it feels. After the initial shock of moving home wore off, a childhood friend gave me a job. It felt good to be doing something, and my offender status wasn’t always in the front of my mind. I made a few friends, and one of the guys had a daughter that played volleyball. He knew I used to play and asked me to help her.”

  Riley chuckled. “That doesn’t surprise me at all that you played. I’m sure you were quite the jock.”

  Alex smiled. “I was hesitant to help at first, but he trusted me. I was able to show her a few things and went to all her games and sat with the family. This went on for a couple of years. I loved it, and that family became my friends.”

  “Did something happen?”

  “Right after his daughter graduated, the city made the ordinance that restricted what I could do. I’m so glad she had graduated because I don’t know how I would have explained that. I had gone to football and basketball games as well as school plays, and I couldn’t do any of that anymore.”