The Accidental King of Achoo

by Linda J. Falkner

  “It would be an honor for me to do so, sir.” Pandora took the one-subject, wide-rule, seventy-sheet notebook from Walmart and put it in her oversized purse. “It will give me something to read tonight.”

  “That is good,” Orgizo said. “I prefer reading only short notes, not more than a hundred and forty characters. You will work with Despotis, and he will tell you what to say about me. However, it’s very important that the villagers not know Despotis is involved. Please keep that a secret.”

  “I promise,” she agreed.

  A few days later, Pandora called the villagers for a meeting and climbed up onto the stage. “I have heard rumors that Mikro’s diary contains a secret coded language.”

  “That is true,” several villagers said, while others nodded their heads in agreement.

  “What’s more,” Pandora said, “she is trafficking a child sex ring and hiding children in the back of Ding Dong Pizzeria. You think that she’s there to talk to you and buy you pizzas, but she’s there to sell children as prostitutes. She has you all fooled. She is sinister and evil. You can’t trust crooked Mikro.”

  Most of the villagers blew this off as the nonsense that it was. But some Truppers began spreading the rumor and calling it an alternative fact.

  Mikro met with Noimon and Gynaika. “He keeps inventing lies about me, and some of the villagers are starting to believe them. Now he has Pandora spreading ugly lies about me too.”

  “The villagers aren’t stupid,” Noimon said. “There is no way they will vote for that lying scam man. You have spent your whole life preparing to be king and learning the ways of kindness.”

  “We will both make speeches and talk to the villagers about you,” Gynaika said. “That man has never done anything for anybody but himself. No sane person would vote for him. When it comes time to vote, you will win by a landslide.”

  Meanwhile, up on the mountains and sitting on golden chairs, Orgizo told his team, “There is an old saying that a lie can go around the world while the truth is still getting out of bed. Pandora, you are doing a great job of spreading the story of Mikro trafficking a sex ring through the pizza store. I have heard more people begin calling her crooked and liar. It’s terrific!”

  “I couldn’t do it without Despotis. He’s a big help,” replied Pandora.

  “Yes, villagers distrust Despotis. He does his best work in secret. Start spreading the information about Mikro’s diary. Has she sent any bird-mails that we can use against her? Despotis, look into that.”

  Orgizo climbed back onto the stage. He was a natural entertainer, and his following was growing. When a large group listened to him and applauded, it made him feel alive, even if only temporarily. It also relieved his boredom and made life tolerable. No one had any idea how dead Orgizo felt inside and how lonely he was, even with his three beautiful trophy wives.

  “I am the greatest!” The audience applauded. “Crooked Mikro is a liar. Believe me. You can trust me.” Cheers mixed with chanting about crooked Mikro. “Two thousand years ago, a savior was born. He was a king. Now you can celebrate the news of a new king coming to save you!” The crowd went wild. Orgizo sounded so powerful and inspiring.

  The other villagers looked on with disbelief and whispered to each other, “He’s comparing himself to Jesus?” Quietly they all wondered, Are there no limits for this man?

  CHAPTER 6

  Axio was busier than usual. The villagers were coming to him for counseling in greater numbers than ever. “I’m feeling anxious,” many said. Others came in crying and complaining about depression. Couples were fighting. The stress of the lengthy campaign for king was affecting everyone in the village. People were upset over Orgizo, and it terrified them to see their neighbors supporting his prejudice and hatred.

  Then Orgizo had an idea, which he shared with Despotis. “Yes, that is an awesome idea,” Despotis agreed.

  “Okay, Pandora,” instructed Orgizo, “make an announcement that I will be speaking about a very important matter tonight. Have the villagers come to the stage after dinner to hear what I have to say.”

  The villagers gathered after dinner, eager to hear Orgizo, but he was late. They waited for an hour, and then another hour as various people filled the time with singing and entertainment. Finally Pandora came out and announced, “Orgizo is delaying his speech until next week, so he can have more time to plan before making his great announcement. Thank you all for coming. You can go home now.”

  Anticipation built in the village. What great idea would Orgizo share with them? “I’m sure it will be amazing,” one man said. Others agreed. Finally, the day arrived when Orgizo was ready to announce his tremendous plan to the community.

  “I am Orgizo. I am running for king. I will be the most amazing king that Achoo has ever had. I am running against a woman for king. Look at that face. I mean, she’s a woman. Can you imagine someone with a pussy being the next king? That’s there only to grab. Folks, come on. Are we serious? I am a man, and I have the best ideas.”

  Orgizo hesitated while the audience shifted in their seats. He counted to ten, waiting for all eyes to be upon him. “You know I care about your jobs, and I want to make sure everyone has a good job. People go to my sneeze trees to tap their oily sap. It takes almost a day to walk to the trees and another day to return. If we were to plant sneeze trees near the village, their jobs would be so much easier, and I could get twice the oil that I get now to sell you. See how much I care about you all?”

  While the Truppers cheered, the rest of the villagers looked shell-shocked. They had deliberately built the village far from the sneeze trees because being any closer would make it uninhabitable. “We wouldn’t be able to live in the village if the trees were planted closer,” Noimon objected.

  “Of course you could,” Orgizo argued. “It’s not true that the sneeze trees would interfere with your lives. I deny that.”

  “We are deniers,” his followers began to chant. “Bring the trees closer to the village to make our work easier.”

  “We use sneeze tree oil to cook, heat our homes, and even to make my golf balls,” Orgizo said. Pandora cheered. Despotis cheered. The Truppers cheered.

  “We can never, ever allow this man to become king,” Gynaika said. The rest of the community agreed with her.

  “In addition,” Orgizo continued, “crooked Mikro wants to relocate the beavers that have built dams too close to the village and caused our homes and crops to flood. But there is no need to capture and move the beavers. That would cost too much. Instead, the community can pay my sons to shoot the beavers with the old musket that my many times great-grandfather Jeremiah Abadon brought with him. My sons are excellent hunters and they enjoy killing animals, especially endangered ones that are hard to find. That is a challenge for them. They will negotiate what they want to remove the beavers, and they can give the villagers the pelts for the right price. Beaver pelts make excellent rugs. I am so proud of my sons.”

  Since so many villagers had left in disgust, Orgizo decided to save his biggest announcement for another day.

  Ahavah was slowly recovering from his near-death hanging. He was alive, but not all right. His body was partially paralyzed on the right side. He walked slowly with a pronounced limp, and his right arm was twisted and useless. His speech was slurred, but his mind was still sharp. Dr. Grigoros had helped him find a family with whom to live. They were caring for him, and everything was going well. He was also seeing Axio weekly, to help him recover from the emotional trauma that he had suffered.

  Mikro stopped to visit with Ahavah. “How are you doing?” she asked.

  “It’s been tough, but I’m getting better,” he said slowly, with effort. “I’m lucky to be alive. I thought I was a goner for sure. I would have died if not for you and Andras. Is there anything I can do for you?”

  “Just get better,” Mikro said. “That will be reward enough for And
ras and me.”

  Orgizo held several more rallies, all comparable to his earlier ones. He invigorated and emboldened the crowds, encouraging chanting and cheering to his hate messages. He attacked Mikro, Noimon, Gynaika, and many other villagers. Pandora became his spokesperson, and Despotis worked behind the scenes spreading rumors about Mikro and her diary entries.

  Ahavah was getting stronger and decided to attend Orgizo’s next rally. He was hoping to see his wife and talk to her. He knew she would be there. By that time, he could walk on his own with only the support of a cane.

  “Thank you for coming to support me,” Orgizo began from the stage. “I am the greatest, and I will make Achoo great again.” Just then, he noticed Ahavah at the edge of the crowd. “Now, look at this poor guy.” He swung his hands around and took a couple of limping steps, mocking Ahavah. “I can’t remember anything. I don’t know what I’m saying,” he said in a slurred, mumbling voice, obviously ridiculing Ahavah.

  Still in distress over all that had happened to him, Ahavah began crying. Orgizo snorted. “Get that covfefe out of here,” he ordered his bodyguards. “Take that crybaby and send him home to his mommy. Waa-waa!” His followers laughed. They knew that seeing Orgizo would always result in a good reality show.

  Finally Orgizo continued his speech. “I have to talk to you about the problems we have with the queers in our village. Disgusting! I have heard rumors that there are men in this community who sleep with other men, and women who sleep with women. This is not only disgusting but against God. The Bible says men shalt not sleep with men because it is unnatural and disgusting. The devil will take you to hell. Burn!” He leaned back with a smug, pleased expression on his doughboy face, listening to his supporters cheer. “When I am king, I will banish all queers from this valley. They are hurting your marriages, and we cannot tolerate this sick behavior. No man may marry another man, and no one may bake a cake for such a ceremony. I will make Achoo and your marriages safe again. Believe me!

  “I found out something about crooked Mikro. As I have told you many times before, she has kept a diary. And I can tell you, this is proof of how crooked she is. You don’t even need to read it yourself. Just believe me—she is crooked, and she lies. You don’t want such a nasty woman to be your king. No way!”

  The crowd cheered.

  “Look at this big crowd. Look at all the Truppers supporting me. I will give you plastic Trupperware … And I have another idea. You can hire my family to build a big bridge over the river, so you no longer have to swim with dangerous fish. You will be safe with me. Believe!”

  Dr. Grigoros and Syzygos called a meeting at their home. Mikro and Andras, Noimon, Gynaika, the counselor Axio, Dynami, Polemistis, Lincoln, and Ahavah all attended.

  “I don’t like all the hatred we are seeing in the village,” Mikro said. “The people were never before like this. The more I talk to people, the more I learn that they are afraid of what Orgizo will do. It seems he found a way to steal my diary. I’ve looked everywhere for it. There is nothing bad in it, but those were my personal thoughts. I did not write it for everyone to know about. He is also twisting facts and lying about it. This is a huge invasion of my privacy. He’s cheating, lying, doing anything to become king except make himself qualified for the position.”

  Dr. Grigoros spoke us and said, “He seems to hate me, or at least hate what I do to help the villagers. So many villagers get sick or hurt, and they need health care. It is more than I can do myself, but he is opposed to getting me help. I need to train more people in natural herbs and healing techniques. I am getting older, and if I die before I pass on my knowledge, then it will be lost forever. Then there will be no one to help the villagers, and many will die without care.”

  “He hates dark-skinned people,” Polemistis said. “He is talking about banning us from the village.”

  “Hatters too,” Dynami added.

  “Let us at all times remember that all people of Achoo are brothers in this valley,” Lincoln said. “Beware of rashness, but with energy and sleepless vigilance, go forward and give us victories. We must bring the village back together.”

  Ahavah did not have to say anything. Just his presence was enough to show how dangerous Orgizo’s encouragement of the New Noxies and hate groups had become. Finally, with everyone looking at him, Ahavah said, with effort, “He can’t kill me. I am a survivor. My people are survivors.”

  “Many people are anxious,” Axio said. “Business has never been so good for me. In fact, it’s too good, as far as I am concerned. So many people are coming to talk and get counseling that I can hardly keep up. I will need an assistant if it gets any better—or do I mean worse?”

  The group agreed to keep working and spreading the word about Orgizo. When the vote was over and the villagers had chosen Mikro to be king, things would get back to normal.

  “There is no question that you will win,” Gynaika said. “So many people can see through Orgizo and will never choose him.” The others agreed, but a heavy cloud of anxiety filled the room … and most of the community.

  However, some were excited about making Achoo great again. They endorsed anything that Orgizo said, including his idea for bringing the sneeze trees closer to the village. Fights broke out between people who wanted oil and people who wanted clean air.

  The woman with the stain on her blue dress showed up and talked to Orgizo. Afterward, he gathered the villagers around the stage. Such a high, he thought. Look at all these people who love me and would follow me everywhere. There is nothing I can do to turn them away, not even kill someone.

  “Mikro got schlonged,” Orgizo began. “If she can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy Achoo?” His crowd booed. “She’s such a nasty woman,” he continued. “She even goes to the bathroom. It’s disgusting. I don’t want to talk about it. She has blood pouring out of her whatever.” His crowd laughed.

  Mikro, being the bigger person, ignored Orgizo’s coarse remarks. “When he goes low, I go high.”

  * * *

  The villagers wanted a debate. They wanted to see Mikro and Orgizo meet together on the stage. Mikro agreed quickly, and Orgizo felt pressured into agreeing, although no one was sure if he would actually show up at the appointed time. Noimon and Pandora were selected to ask them questions.

  When the date arrived, both candidates were on time and the debate began. Pandora focused her questions on Mikro’s diary, raising one false claim after another. Mikro stayed high, answering the questions without hesitation.

  While she was talking, Orgizo paced the stage and finally stood right behind Mikro, towering over her like a stalker. His expression was hard and angry. When it was his turn, he sniffed and snorted the whole time while answering.

  “How do you feel about the Hatters?” Noimon asked.

  “They are so strange to wear those scarves. When I am king, they will all be put out of the valley, and I will build a wall to keep them out forever.” Orgizo sniffed and blew his nose into his hand, which he then wiped on Noimon’s shirt. Noimon grimaced and the audience booed.

  “What is your relationship to Despotis?”

  “I barely know the man. He’s a total stranger to me. I can tell you that!”

  “You two seem to spend a lot of time together. How can you call him a stranger?”

  “This is rigged. She answered the questions so well because you gave her the answers ahead of time. Crooked Mikro!”

  Stepping down from the stage, Mikro was all smiles as she greeted the audience. Orgizo pouted and stomped off to go home and write bird-mails to his supporters.

  The following day, pigeons flew from morning to night, and the short messages were posted on the community bulletin board for all to read: “I won! She’s crooked! I will make Achoo great again! She cheated! Lying Mikro! She’s a covfefe! Toady! I wouldn’t grab her pussy.”

  Mikro met with
her supporters. “He’s dangerous. I thought he was going to punch me when he loomed over me like a psychopathic monster.”

  “All the villagers noticed his odd behavior,” Gynaika said. “I think he’s lost any chance of winning. Mikro, start preparing your acceptance speech.”

  “He’s a goner,” Dynami said. “I wonder what drugs he’s taking that cause him to act so strange. When this is finally over, at least I will not have to worry about Orgizo throwing me out of the valley because of my colored scarves. Hatters love being fancy.”

  Several weeks went by and the villagers continued their day-to-day lives. But anxiety built, and lifelong friendships ended over support for the future king. Mikro spent time visiting people in their homes, the park, or the pizzeria. She preferred small, intimate groups.

  “Of course we won’t plant sneeze trees near the village,” she assured people. “I care about your lives, and I live in the village too.”

  “What about the beavers?” one woman asked. “They keep flooding our homes. Are you going to kill them?”

  “Oh, no! We can safely relocate them where they won’t cause any more problems,” said Mikro.

  “What about our health care?” asked another person. “Dr. Grigoros is so busy, and he’s getting old.”

  “I have a plan,” Mikro answered. “Dr. Grigoros will teach his medical skills to others, and our health care will be better than ever. I know how important that is to all of us.”

  “And women’s care?” asked another.

  “Women’s health care is a personal decision between a woman, her husband, and her doctor. My only opinion is that any woman’s choice—whether to have children, when, and how many—is private. I’m not going to get involved in that.”

  “What about throwing out dark-skinned people and Hatters?”

  “We have always lived peacefully together in the past, and I see no reason to change that,” said Mikro. “Everyone will stay, and we will not build a wall.”