Not the Marrying Kind

by Jae

“Deal.”

  Sasha stuck her hand through the gap between the seats, and they shook on it.

  Just an afternoon of outfit shopping, Ash repeated to herself. Completely harmless. All she had to do was to ignore that almost magnetic pull she felt any time Sasha came within inches of her and the tingle making its way up her arm right now.

  Much earlier than expected, Holly pulled the big SUV into her mother’s driveway, and they all climbed out.

  “Want to come in for some coffee?” Beth asked.

  Ash had a feeling that her offer translated to several hours of going through bridal magazines, browsing online stores to find the nicest place cards, and discussing the best way to organize RSVPs. The two moms had talked about nothing but the wedding the entire way home.

  “I’d love to,” Sharon said immediately.

  “Um…” Ash traded gazes with Sasha and had to smile when she realized Sasha was also looking for a polite way to refuse.

  “No, thanks,” Ash said. “If I have coffee in the afternoon, it keeps me up all night.”

  “Oh, I have tea too,” Beth countered.

  “Sorry, Mom. I need to go home and check on Leo and the costume designer. She came all the way from New York to make sure Leo’s measurements are the same as during her last concert. If you can drive Sharon home later, I’ll drop these two off on my way home.” Without waiting for a reply, Holly herded Sasha and Ash to her Jeep, which was parked next to her mother’s SUV.

  They climbed in faster than bank robbers rushing into their getaway car.

  As they pulled out of the driveway, Sasha wiped her brow and chuckled. “Phew. Thanks for the rescue, Holly.”

  “Sorry, guys. I hope they go back to normal after the wedding.”

  Ash laughed. “The moment you say ‘I do,’ they’ll probably start planning the baby shower and the baptism of their first grandchild.”

  A snort escaped Holly. “Aren’t you forgetting something? Even if we do have sex on our wedding night, neither of us can get pregnant.”

  An almost physical jolt went through Ash every time Holly talked so openly about sex—or the option of not having sex. That was one of the many reasons they hadn’t worked out as a couple. They had never talked openly about what happened or didn’t happen between them in the bedroom.

  “Oh, don’t worry,” Sasha said. “Knowing your moms, they’ll come up with a solution for that little problem too.”

  Holly stopped the Jeep in front of the bakery.

  Sasha unfastened her seat belt and turned to look at Ash. “So, you and me have a hot date next weekend?”

  “Um…what?”

  Sasha laughed. “All that talk about making babies has put your mind in the gutter, hasn’t it? I was talking about hunting for my wedding outfit.”

  Heat rose up Ash’s neck. For the millionth time in her life, she cursed her tendency to blush easily. “I knew what you meant. Yes, we’re still on for outfit shopping.”

  “Great.” Sasha’s teasing grin gentled into a warm smile. “Thank you.” She said goodbye to Holly and got out of the Jeep. As she loped up the stairs to her apartment, Ash caught a glimpse of Sasha’s nice butt.

  Holly cleared her throat.

  Ash jerked her gaze away and met Holly’s questioning look in the rearview mirror.

  “Aren’t you going to move to the front?” Holly asked.

  “Oh, yeah, of course.” Cursing herself for getting distracted, Ash got out and climbed into the passenger seat, which was still warm from Sasha’s body heat.

  As Holly drove across town, it got quiet in the Jeep. Only Jenna Blake’s new, award-winning album broke the silence as it quietly played in the background.

  Ash had to smile. How cute was that? “She makes you listen to her songs?”

  “Makes me?” Holly shook her head and glanced away from the street to give her a quick look. “Leo doesn’t make me do anything I don’t want to do. I love her music, especially now that she has returned to her roots.”

  Ash dug her teeth into her bottom lip. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  “It’s okay,” Holly said, and Ash realized she no longer knew her well enough to tell if she really hadn’t been offended. Maybe she had never known her that well.

  Holly stopped the Jeep in front of Ash’s house.

  “I hope you never felt like I made you do things you didn’t want to do,” Ash blurted out. Wow. Where had that come from? She hadn’t meant to say that. But now that she had said it, she realized it had been on her mind for some time.

  Holly sucked in a sharp breath. She turned off the engine and pointed toward the house. “Want to go in and talk? I think it’s time we finally cleared the air.”

  Ash swallowed against the lump in her throat. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course. Or are you afraid that people will talk if my car is parked in front of your house for too long?”

  A certain bitterness resonated in her tone, proving that they indeed did have a lot to talk about.

  “No, that’s not why I… I just meant, you said you needed to check in with Leo and the costume designer.”

  “Nah. Leo can handle the costume designer. I just said that so Mom wouldn’t drag me in and make me look at a thousand permutations of the table plan for the reception.”

  “Oh.” So they were actually going to talk. Ash’s fingers trembled as she undid her seat belt and opened the door.

  “Where’s Casper?” Holly asked as they stepped into the house and no excited barking greeted them. “Getting spoiled at his grandparents’?”

  “Yeah.” Ash went to the kitchen to make some tea, mainly to give her hands something to do. The cinnamon scent instantly calmed her nerves a little.

  When she walked back into the living room, Holly was reacquainting herself with the space, looking at the photos on Ash’s bookshelf—pictures of Ash’s parents, Melissa unwrapping presents on her last Christmas, and Casper romping through the snow when he’d been a puppy.

  Even during the short time they had been a couple, there had never been any photos of her and Holly on the bookshelf. Those were safely tucked away in an album, where no one could see them.

  When Ash placed the two mugs on the coffee table, Holly sat on the couch next to her and took a sip of tea. “Oh, this is good.” She looked at the tag dangling from the cup. “Hot Cinnamon Sunset. New favorite?”

  Ash nodded and cradled her mug with both hands to stop her fingers from trembling. She blew across the tea to avoid looking at Holly. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a long time, but I always chickened out.”

  “Yeah, I wanted to talk too, but then I thought maybe it doesn’t matter anymore.”

  “I don’t know if it still matters to you, but I feel like I need to say it,” Ash murmured.

  Holly nodded at her to go on.

  “I…” Ash forced herself to look up and into Holly’s eyes. “I’m sorry for how things ended between us. I could have…should have been more understanding.”

  “How could you when I didn’t even fully understand it myself back then?”

  Ash was grateful for the out Holly offered, but it wasn’t that simple to her. “It wasn’t just you or your asexuality that I didn’t understand. It took me some time to figure myself out too.”

  “And now you have?” Holly asked.

  Ash nodded. “I realized that it wasn’t just about the sex—or lack of sex.”

  Over the rim of her mug, Holly gave her a disbelieving look.

  “No, really. I mean, yeah, sex was important to me. But not really for the sex itself but because it felt like the only kind of intimacy I could have. My home…my bedroom was the only place where I could be myself without fear of being judged.”

  Holly stared into her tea. “And I took that away.”

  “I know you didn
’t mean to. That was my issue, not yours. But…” Ash lifted her hand and dropped it into her lap. “Not being able to fully express myself and my feelings for you… It made me feel pretty alone and ridiculed.”

  “Ridiculed?” Holly pressed a hand to her chest. “By me?”

  Ash clutched her mug to hold back all the old hurt that wanted to bubble up. “You touched me so rarely. Um, and I don’t mean in a sexual way, just little loving touches. It got to a point where you only showed me any kind of affection when we were out in public, when you knew I couldn’t enjoy it or return it. Sometimes, it seemed like you did that just to spite me or to get back at me for being in the closet.”

  “What? No! I didn’t even realize I was doing that.”

  Now it was Ash’s turn to give her a doubtful look.

  “I swear I wanted to be affectionate with you, Ash, and not just out in public. But I guess I was afraid that if I touched you when we were alone, you’d…”

  “Afraid? Of me?” The blood rushed from Ash’s face so fast that she grew dizzy. She put the mug on the coffee table before it could slip from her grasp. “I would never have forced you to—”

  “I know.” Holly put her mug away too and took her hand.

  Ash stared at their fingers, tangled together in a tight grip. “This,” she whispered. “This is what I missed most.”

  Holly nodded. “I missed it too, but I was afraid that any kind of touching would inevitably lead to you wanting sex.”

  “Jesus, Holly! You make me sound like a sex addict!” Ash tugged on her hand, but Holly didn’t let go. “I’ve lived without sex for the past seven years just fine.” Okay, maybe the just fine was a bit of an exaggeration, but she had gotten used to it.

  Holly’s eyes widened. “You seriously haven’t been with anyone since…? I thought you and Sasha might have hooked up.”

  “No!” Ash finally freed her hand. “Why would you think that?”

  “Because I have a rearview mirror,” Holly said with a grin.

  “Um, what?”

  “Earlier, when we dropped Sasha off, I saw you watch her walk away in the rearview mirror. I’m usually pretty oblivious to stuff like that, but even I couldn’t miss that hungry look in your eyes.”

  Ash’s ears began to burn with heat. God, she really had to be more careful. If anyone other than Holly had seen that… She wanted to cover her face with her hands, but she knew she had to play it cool. “Yeah, well, she’s pretty easy on the eyes. And, um, like I said, it’s been seven years. But we’re just friends. I’m not looking to get involved with anyone. If there’s one thing I learned from us, it’s that I can’t have a happy relationship while I’m in the closet.”

  “Is that really how you want to live your life?” Holly asked quietly. “Just because we didn’t work out doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. I want you to have what I have with Leo.”

  “I tried to ask her out.” God! Ash slapped both hands over her lips. What the hell was coming out of her mouth today? She definitely hadn’t meant to tell her that. She eyed the tea as if it contained truth serum.

  “Sasha?” Holly asked. “Don’t tell me she rejected you. I’m not the best at judging these things, but if I’m not mistaken, she looks at you the same way you look at her.”

  Ash tried not to listen or think about the way Sasha looked at her and what it meant. “No, not Sasha. Leo.”

  “Oh.” Holly reached for her mug and gulped down half of the tea as if it were liquor. Then she looked into Ash’s eyes. “I know.”

  Good thing Ash hadn’t picked up her own mug. It would have crashed to the floor at this point. She gaped at Holly. “You…she…she told you that?”

  Holly nodded calmly. “We try not to repeat the mistakes from past relationships, so we tell each other everything.”

  Everything except for Ash calling Holly’s sexual orientation an “issue.” Leo had kept that from Holly to protect her, but Holly probably had a pretty good idea of what Ash had said anyway. Ash wanted to crawl behind the couch and never come back out. “It’s not because I’m still in love with her.” Oh Christ! Now she had basically admitted to having been in love with Leo in the past.

  But Holly didn’t react to her confession, as if she had already known that too. She calmly nodded at her to go on.

  “It wasn’t really her I wanted. I wanted what she had: a happy relationship and fans who adore her. No one seems to mind that she’s gay.”

  “She didn’t get there without a struggle, Ash.”

  “I know that now,” Ash said. “I just wanted to apologize in case…in case I created any problems between you two.”

  Holly patted her arm. “Don’t worry. You didn’t.”

  “Good. Because I want you to be happy. Both of you.”

  “Thank you. We are.” The quiet glow radiating off Holly confirmed her words. “I want you to be happy too.”

  Ash waved her hand. “I’ll be fine.”

  “That’s not the same as being happy,” Holly said.

  Ash sighed. “Maybe not, but I’ll have to settle for it. As long as I have my shop, my family, my friends…and Casper, it’ll be enough.”

  “Aren’t you afraid of what people will say about you being friends with the only two lesbians in town? Oh, and let’s not forget the only pansexual too.”

  Ash decided to be completely honest. “I can barely remember a time when I haven’t been afraid of that. But I have already sacrificed so much. I’m not willing to give up my friends too, so I guess I’ll have to live with that fear.”

  Holly softly squeezed her arm.

  For a while, they sipped their teas in amiable silence. Ash’s chest…her entire body felt lighter, and she realized how heavily the things they had left unspoken had rested on her for years.

  “I’m really glad we talked,” Holly said.

  “I was just thinking the same thing.”

  They smiled at each other.

  “Oh, there’s one more thing I wanted to talk about,” Holly added.

  Part of the tension returned to Ash’s shoulders. “What is it?”

  “It’s about the bachelorette party,” Holly said. “We’ll send out invitations with all the details on Monday, but now that I have you alone, I thought maybe I should check to make sure you’re okay with it.”

  “Okay with what?” Ash let out a chuckle. “You’re not dragging us to a lesbian strip club or something, are you?”

  Holly snorted. “No. Leo and I talked about what to do for our bachelorette parties, and we decided we don’t want to do separate things. At first, I didn’t want a bachelorette party at all. I don’t feel like I need one last hurrah before I get married. I want all of my hurrahs to be with Leo.”

  “Aww. That’s so great. So, what were you thinking?”

  “Instead of a girls’ night out, we want to make it an entire weekend,” Holly said. “We want it to be an opportunity for our friends to get to know each other, so we’ve rented a beach house in Key West for the weekend a month before the wedding.”

  “That’s in three weeks, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah.” Holly gave her a sheepish smile. “I know that’s not much notice, but we didn’t want it to get too close to the wedding. Otherwise, it would be a lot of travel within a short time for our out-of-town guests. We are, of course, paying for the beach house and everyone’s flights.”

  “You don’t have to do that,” Ash said. “I’d be happy to come even if I have to pay my own way.”

  Holly shook her head. “No. I’m a nurse, remember? I know what it’s like to live on a limited income. Making you pay when Leo has millions in her bank account doesn’t feel right.”

  Ash swallowed her pride. “Then thank you. I accept the invitation.”

  “Um, maybe wait until you hear the snag before you decide.”

  �
��A beach house all to ourselves in Key West.” Ash laughed. “How bad could it be?”

  “Not bad, but… We’ve invited my sisters-in-law, Jenny and my cousin Nicole, my friends Jo and Meg, Leo’s friend Lauren and her wife, and you and Sasha.”

  “Sounds great. I’d love to meet your friends.”

  “Um, the snag is there’s only six bedrooms in the beach house.”

  Ash did the math. Her breath caught as it dawned on her what Holly was saying. “That means…”

  Holly nodded. “You’d have to share a room with Sasha.”

  Ash swallowed against her dry mouth.

  “I had no idea it might be a problem when we booked the beach house,” Holly added.

  “It’s not,” Ash said quickly. “No problem at all. Why would it be a problem?”

  “Um, because you looked at her as if she’s a yummy chocolate cake and you’re on a diet, struggling not to fall off the wagon.”

  “No, no, I didn’t… I wasn’t… I’m not struggling. Seriously. It’s not a problem.”

  Holly laughed. “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”

  “No, really. It’s fine.” Ash finally managed to sound so believable that she almost convinced herself.

  “If you’re sure. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

  “You’re not. Like I said earlier, Sasha and I are friends.” Friends who had shared the most passionate kiss of her life not even a week ago. She pushed away the thought.

  Holly got up. “Great. I’m really looking forward to that weekend.”

  “Yeah,” Ash said, hoping she didn’t sound too lame, “me too.”

  She walked Holly to the door.

  “Thanks for asking me in to talk.” Holly opened her arms, offering a hug.

  After a moment’s hesitation, Ash allowed herself to sink into her embrace. There was no spark, no magnetic pull, no urge to tackle her to the floor and kiss her. This was how it should have been between them. They had always made much better friends than lovers.

  Ash watched her leave. When the door clicked shut behind Holly, Ash leaned against it from the other side and rubbed her face with both hands. She had three more weeks to get herself together before she would spend an entire weekend at a beach house with Sasha. Well, Sasha and ten other women, she reminded herself.