Until Us

by Cristin Cooper

  “Hey, Katie, you ready to go?” Tracy asked gleefully. They had been so supportive and positive about the pregnancy. She couldn’t bear letting them know how inadequate she felt or how often she thought about giving the baby up for adoption, so she forced a smile.

  “I just need a minute. Do you want a drink to go?”

  “I would love one,” Alexis said.

  Katie faced Jason, who was pretending Alexis wasn’t even in the room. “Do you mind making one for her?”

  Jason glared at her and muttered, “Sure.”

  He faced Alexis, who was no longer smiling but shrinking a bit from Jason’s glare. “What would you like?” he asked in a sharp voice.

  She gave him a weak smile as she gave him her order. She’d been nothing but nice to him since they met and she couldn’t understand why he didn’t seem to like her. It wasn’t normal. Most people adored Alexis once they got to know her.

  Katie tried to ignore Jason, though he was going out of his way to make as much noise as possible preparing the drink. “What classes do you have today?” Katie asked.

  “Catwalk one-oh-one?” Jason mumbled under his breath, but he said it loud enough for Alexis to hear. For a split second her face fell and Katie could see the hurt in her eyes, but she soon put on her model face and smiled.

  “No. I took that last year.” She sounded just like a teenage girl who was super excited. With her regular voice, she said, “I had my anatomy class today, and after your appointment, I need to finish my biology lab.”

  Jason stopped midway through making her drink and turned to stare at her. His brows furrowed as his eyes met hers. “You’re getting a real degree?” he asked incredulously.

  “Well, I wasn’t planning on getting a fake degree,” she said sarcastically.

  “I thought you were a model?”

  She sighed and her shoulders slumped. Katie knew how much Alexis hated being a model, but she hated the stigma associated with it more. “I am. That’s how I was able to buy my condo and pay for whatever my academic scholarship doesn’t cover.”

  “Huh…” He looked at her quizzically then turned back to making her drink mumbling something under his breath.

  Alexis looked to Katie for an explanation, but she shook her head and shrugged her shoulders. She had no idea what that meant. But when Alexis took her drink and sat down at one of the tables near the window, he stilled his movements and watched her with a much less critical eye.

  “I’m heading out,” Katie announced.

  He made a grunting noise, but continued to watch Alexis, who was laughing and talking with Tracy unaware of his attention.

  Katie leaned back on her hands and swung her legs like a pendulum as she sat nervously at the end of the examination table. She hoped the way her heart wanted to jump out of her chest was normal. This was actually happening. She was sitting in her obstetrician’s exam room and she was really pregnant. The nurse who had her pee in a cup verified the positive pregnancy test.

  There was a part of her holding out hope it had all been a mistake. That the test she took at work was bad, but there was no more denying it. She was pregnant.

  Alexis walked around the room, looking at the posters hanging on the wall and spouting out random pregnancy facts. It wasn’t helping calm Katie’s nerves.

  According to one of the charts, she should have started taking Folic Acid before she got pregnant. Katie didn’t even know what Folic Acid was and since she hadn’t been taking it, did it mean there would be something wrong with the baby? She wasn’t even taking multivitamins. Great, she was only ten weeks along and she was already a horrible mother. There had to be a mistake, there was no way she could have a baby.

  She needed to think about something else. Curiosity got the best of her. She tried to sound casual when she asked, “What do you guys know about Audrey?”

  Alexis quickly turned around with her eyes wide and her mouth hanging open. “Why? Is Tyler dating her again?”

  “No, at least I don’t think so.” When they talked on the phone, he never mentioned her, but Katie had a feeling something was happening between them.

  “Well.” Alexis stepped closer to the exam table, leaned a hip against it, and folded her arms over her chest, like she was getting comfortable for a long talk. “She pursued him hard. He had been a little gun shy since girls tend to date him for a while before they decide that they prefer the bad boy.” She sighed. “Stupid girls. Don’t know when they have it good.” The way her voice was tinged with bitterness spoke about Alexis’s recent dating experiences. Alexis was to the point that she rarely went out anymore.

  “Anyway, after their first date, they were a couple. When she left, he had been saving for a ring and had planned a romantic proposal. I mean really romantic.” She sighed again. “Seriously, what is wrong with her? Here is this guy, who is cute, smart, hardworking, and romantic, and she totally let him go.”

  That was what Katie wondered. It took one bad boy and almost losing her virginity to him to make her realize she was way more into nice guys.

  “I wish you liked him,” Tracy said to Alexis.

  “Me too…” Alexis mumbled. “It would make life so much easier.”

  Before she could ask more questions, a smiling Dr. Johnson walked in, holding her file. Katie lifted her sweaty hands that stuck to the paper lining the exam table and rubbed them down the front of the gown the nurse instructed her to put on.

  “Hello, Katie. It’s nice to see you again.” It had only been a few short months since she came in for her annual checkup and to refill her prescription for birth control. She doubted Dr. Johnson expected to see her again so soon.

  “I see that, according to your dates, you should be around ten weeks?” she asked, though it was more of a statement. Katie nodded. “Well let’s get started.”

  Near the end of the exam, Dr. Johnson brought out the Doppler to check for a heartbeat but she couldn’t find it.

  She gently patted Katie’s arm to comfort her. “It’s still a little early to hear the heartbeat, but if you’re concerned, we can do an ultrasound.” Guilt swirled around Katie’s gut when she became almost hopeful that lack of heartbeat meant she wasn’t pregnant.

  Katie held back her irritation when Tracy answered for her. Instead of getting angry, she reminded herself that if Eric were alive she might have been happy about the pregnancy and Tracy’s enthusiasm about her grandchild.

  A few minutes later they were ushered into a dimly lit room and she was once again on a table with her shirt up and warm jelly on her belly.

  Once the technician finished taking measurements, she turned the screen toward them and turned the sound up. Right away, they all heard a rhythmic thump thump thump. The ultrasound technician smiled and pointed to the screen. “There’s the fetus.”

  All Katie saw was something shaped liked a bean. Skeptical, she asked, “That’s the baby?” It looked nothing like a baby, no matter how she turned her head.

  “Yes and do you see the little movement right there?” She pointed to the spot in the middle of the bean. “That’s the heart beating.”

  Katie swallowed back the lump in her throat as she stared at the monitor. She wanted to feel something; anything for the little bean on the screen. There had to be something inherently wrong with her since she felt no stirrings of affection or love.

  She looked over at Alexis and Tracy, who were holding hands while simultaneously crying and smiling. “It’s incredible. A part of Eric is growing inside of you,” Tracy tearfully said. All Katie could think about was how much she would rather have Eric than this baby.

  After her appointment, Tracy dropped Alexis off at the university then took Katie home. Katie was relieved to have some time alone to process. Every time she looked at the ultrasound picture she hoped she could feel some connection. She wanted to call her mom and ask her if it was normal not to be in love with the baby. Maybe she was missing the mother gene. Fear gripped her. What if she could never love the baby?


  That night, lying in bed, staring at the ultrasound picture, she received a text from Tyler.

  Tyler: How did it go today?

  She texted him a picture of the ultrasound.

  Tyler: Cutest peanut I’ve ever seen.

  She couldn’t help giggle, which was a comforting reprieve from the sadness she had felt for half the day.

  Katie: Are you just getting off?

  Her phone vibrated from an incoming call from him. “Hey,” she said with a yawn.

  “So tell me everything.” His voice was tired but upbeat.

  “It was—interesting to see the baby.” She hoped he couldn’t hear the lack of emotion in her voice. It would take too much effort to even fake it. What she couldn’t fake was her desire for Eric to be here. “I wish Eric could experience this with me. I miss him, Tyler.”

  His voice softened and became a calming balm to her emotions. “Are you okay?”

  “I think so. It’s all so…real.”

  He chuckled into the phone and she shushed him with a bit of humor. “I know it’s real, it just I’m going to be a mom. A mom!” she said in disbelief. “Seeing the baby’s heartbeat was…” She couldn’t think of the right word. “A reality check. I guess. A part of him is growing inside of me. Tracy said it was a gift, but I’m not sure if I feel that way about it right now.” Tears slid down her cheek as she realized the truth of her statement.

  “I understand, but it is a miracle, Katie and I wish I could’ve been there.”

  She desperately wanted to think of the baby as something more than a reminder of what she no longer had. But she couldn’t right now. “Me too, but Alexis and Tracy were with me.”

  “Hold on a sec. I need to put you on speaker phone.”

  “Where are you?” she asked.

  “I’ve been sitting in my car in the parking lot of the hospital.” She could hear the sound of his engine turning on.

  “Are you heading home?”

  “No. I feel like going for a drive.” His voice lowered and was tinged with sadness.

  “What happened today?”

  He sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it especially with all of your good news.”

  “Tyler, we’re friends. We’re supposed to tell each other the good and the bad. Talk to me.”

  And he did. He told her about being called to the emergency room because a patient he had treated several times came in asking for him. A few hours later, she had died. The worst part, it could have been prevented. She had come in countless times with bruises all over her body after ‘walking into a door’ or ‘falling down the stairs’. He tried to get her help, but she refused to leave her boyfriend and now she was gone.

  Katie’s heart broke for her friend and she wished she were with him to give him some comfort. Words didn’t seem enough.

  She heard the car turn off and he took her off speakerphone.

  Rolling to her side, she switched her phone to the other ear, as she got comfortable. “What are you doing right now?”

  “Some nights I drive out to the country and sit on the hood of my car and look up at the stars. It gives me peace and perspective when I’ve had a tough day.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “I mean… Today was a hard day, but it was just one day. My life is filled with much more positive than negative.” He took in a deep breath. “Do I make any sense?”

  “Yes. You do,” she whispered. It reminded her that one day the ache in her heart from losing Eric and the worry of being a single mother would one day be lighter, at least she hoped.

  More than anything, she wished she could be with Tyler, sitting on the hood of his car, looking at the stars. It had been three weeks since they returned from Anchorage and she missed him.

  They had been quiet for a few minutes when she broke the silence. “Someday, I’d like to go with you.”

  “I’d like that.”

  Chapter Twelve

  October 2015

  Katie

  Katie stared at the costume hanging on the back of her closet door then longingly at her bed. Going to a Halloween party was the last thing she wanted to do tonight, but she didn’t have much of a choice when it was Alexis throwing the party in their condo.

  A few weeks ago while she drank her one allowed cup of coffee and ate a maple bar, Alexis informed her she was still going to throw her annual Halloween party. “We’re going to have fun because Eric loved my parties.” It sounded more like a demand then a statement.

  Then they cried.

  She’d do anything for Alexis, even if it were nearly impossible to keep her eyes open after eight.

  This week had been an emotional one. No matter what she did or where she went something reminded her of Eric. By Friday evening, all she wanted to do was ignore the papers she needed to write, tests she needed to study for, and stay in bed all weekend.

  Katie sighed and pulled the costume down, wondering who Dr. River Song was and why she had to wear this particular costume.

  Since their guests were supposed to arrive any minute, she slipped into her costume then went in search of Alexis to make sure she looked okay. Last year when she wore a generic costume she’d picked up from the Halloween store, Alexis freaked. Halloween was a religion to her and not taking it serious was blaspheme.

  This year, Alexis had planned their costumes months in advance and did all the shopping, so Katie had no excuse. She had to dress up.

  “Alexis?” she called out.

  “I’m in my office.”

  Katie smiled and walked down the hall toward the room she called the geek dungeon. The first night Katie arrived, Alexis gave her a tour of the condo, including her office. She would never forget that moment.

  * * *

  After checking out her new bedroom, she followed Alexis and Eric followed her to the third bedroom. Alexis blushed and pushed the door open so Katie could step inside.

  Nothing could have prepared Katie for what she found. It was a jaw-dropping moment. Against one wall was a long desk with two extra-large computer monitors, speakers, a mouse with tons of buttons, and keyboard that lit up. Katie wasn’t even sure what someone would do with all that, but she kept her questions to herself. She didn’t want to look ignorant in front of her new roommate.

  Katie’s eyes glanced around the room at all the framed posters of aliens and mystical type creatures and bookshelves filled with comic books and DVDs. When she took a closer look, she realized the movies were mostly cartoons.

  No. Not cartoons, she reminded herself. There was another word for it. She remembered Alexis calling them something else. She snapped her fingers when it came to her. “Anime!” She didn’t mean to say it out loud, but the moment she did, Alexis jumped up and down and clapped her hands.

  “YES and you can borrow them anytime.”

  Eric stood in the doorway laughing. “Yeah. She’s a geek.”

  “Hey!” Alexis punched his gut. “Don’t be mean. Everyone has hobbies, just because mine are cool, doesn’t make me a geek.”

  In all her life, Katie had never met anyone like Alexis. It was hard to imagine a tall leggy blonde with perfect cheekbones and skin to have a room designated to all things nerdy. She was happily surprised. “This has to be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” she mumbled to herself.

  Alexis grinned and turned to her brother, who was still smirking, and stuck her tongue out at him. When she turned back, she grinned. “Just wait. I’ll make you a nerd too.”

  “Oh no!” Eric made two long strides to stand next to Katie. “No more beautiful girls are going to fall to the dark side.” He placed an arm around Katie and winked down at her. She felt the heat of a blush on her cheeks and turned away from him, hoping he didn’t notice what his flirting had done to her. She needed to gain her composure, so she stepped away from him, forcing his arm to fall to his side. She braved a quick glance and noticed his frown.

  “I hope you’re not too tired from traveling, because Eric and I made
plans to meet up with some friends.”

  Katie felt relief for the change of subject and excited about making new friends. “That would be cool. As long as I’m not intruding.”

  Eric stuffed his hands into his pockets and smiled. “You’re the reason we’re meeting our friends.”

  “Oh and there’s this guy I want you to meet. He’s cool. Not too nerdy, I promise, and he’s nice. I think you’ll hit it off,” Alexis said casually, walking out of the room and down the hall toward the living room and kitchen. Katie bit her lower lip, knowing she had no interest in hitting it off with anyone besides the guy trailing close behind her.

  “What friend is this?” Eric asked. When they reached the kitchen, he stood inches from her. So close she could smell him, and her brain wanted to short circuit. She wanted to bottle his smell and spray it all over her pillows. It was some mix of nature and man. There wasn’t the slightest hint of cologne. It was all him. She casually took in a deep breath and closed her eyes. Why did he have to smell so good?

  “You remember that guy Stan? We were friends in high school. He works at the comic book store. Everyone calls him Stan Lee.” Eric silently glared at her. They must have been doing a sibling Jedi mind reading thing.

  Holy crap.

  Where did that come from?

  Was nerdiness contagious?

  Eric and Alexis stared at one another for a full minute before Alexis turned to Katie. “Aaaaanyway, he’ll be coming.”

  Katie glanced at Eric, who was still glaring at Alexis. “Sounds fun, but I need to call my mom and Billy first and tell them I arrived.”

  * * *

  Eric. The grief hit her again, making her chest constrict. She leaned her back against the wall then bent over, desperate to pull in oxygen. She finally understood why Billy rubbed his chest when he was upset. The pain in her heart was a literal ache. “Are you almost ready?” Alexis asked, stepping out of her office. One look at Katie and her eyes watered. “Eric?” she asked. Katie nodded, and their hands reached for each other.