by Rachel Quinn
Perhaps it was noon already.
And the ship had left the harbour.
And her love had left for good.
She hunkered back down into bed, pulled the covers over her head, and started sobbing. Some minutes later, ten or twenty or thirty – she didn’t know and didn’t care – the tears stopped coming of their own accord. They just stopped.
It was a sign.
She let her mind relax and almost invited more tears to come, but there were none. Yes, it was a sign of acceptance – a sign that she should forget about Niall and stop torturing herself. Yes, she could have agreed to go with him to America. She could have, but that was in the past. She’d made her decision and it was the right one. She couldn’t leave Leetown – or at least, not for the other side of the world. Dublin, perhaps, one day. New York, never.
It was the right decision. She would wither without the support of her family, without the cosy surroundings of her birthplace. It was the right decision. No, it had been the right decision. It was in the past. It was finished and done with, and now she had to get on with the future.
Starting with today.
She tossed the bedclothes aside, twisted so she was sitting on the edge of the bed, and stretched. On the floor below her was a cup. She reached down and picked it up. It was water – obviously brought in by Briana. Good old Briana. What would she do without Briana? She dipped the edge of the bedsheet into the water and used it to clear the stinging saltiness from her cheeks.
There was no need to get dressed; she was still fully clothed from the previous night.
She heard muffled noises from the other side of the door. Conversation, a laugh, a concerned groan from her mother. It was time to go, time to face the day, morning or not. She could do it. She could do it. She stepped to the door, took a deep breath, and opened it.
‘Ah, Aileen!’ Her mother beckoned her in with a warm smile and pointed to the table. ‘We have some bacon,’ she said. ‘How many rashers will ye be wanting?’
Her mother was cooking, her father was sitting next to the wireless, the boys were playing cards. Briana was helping with the cooking. It was normal, thanks be to God.
‘What time is it?’
The boys took no notice. Briana and Mammy looked at Daddy.
He pointed to the wireless. ‘That’s the ten o’clock news just about to start.’
‘Oh.’
He switched the wireless off. ‘It’s late enough, so tis. What are you thinking of, getting up at this hour? The rest of us have been out already and—’
‘Dan,’ his wife snapped. ‘The girl had a long day yesterday. Won’t ye button it.’
He tutted. She pulled out a chair for Aileen.
‘I’m not so hungry,’ Aileen said.
‘But you have to eat. C’mon.’
Aileen sat, and was aware of mumbled two-word conversations, and of her father and brothers moaning. Then her father said, ‘We have things to do.’ As he got up he patted Aileen on the shoulder. She looked up to catch a wink from him. Then he told his three sons to get off their lazy arses and follow him. The men left, leaving the three women alone in the cottage.
Soon a plate of fried potatoes and bacon was placed in front of Aileen. At first she picked at them. They tasted good and, surprising herself, she devoured them and washed the lot down with two cups of sweet tea.
Perhaps, if she gave it the chance, her appetite for life would improve too. Yes, perhaps things would get better starting from today.
‘Didn’t I tell you?’ her mother said. ‘You were hungrier than you realized.’
She and Briana pulled up chairs and sat next to Aileen.
‘Did you have a nice day yesterday?’ her mother said. ‘You know, with Marvin.’
It hit Aileen. Oh, dear God. This was the cross-examination.
‘What was he like?’ Briana said. ‘Did he take you somewhere nice – one of those grand restaurant places?’
Aileen folded her arms. What should she say? Well, what was wrong with the truth?
She smiled, remembering scenes of Marvin and Phoenix Park and the theatre in her mind’s eye. ‘I had a wonderful day. Yes, Marvin took me to a lovely hotel restaurant and a variety show afterward. And yes, he was really nice to me.’
Her mother nodded almost imperceptibly. ‘And?’
‘And everything was grand about the day – everything from the food, to the walk in Phoenix Park, to the show, to the drink afterward.’
‘He took you for a drink?’
‘Tis what people do in Dublin, Briana. You should know that.’
‘Yes, of course, I know that, so I do, but . . .’ She looked to her mother for support.
‘But what else happened with Marvin?’ Mammy said.
‘What else happened? He drove me home and we said goodbye, and I went to bed.’
‘Oh, I see.’
Aileen took a breath and let out a long exasperated sigh. ‘Aren’t I after telling the both of yez, he’s a friend. We’re friends and nothing more.’
Briana and her mother glanced at each other and took a moment to give doubtful nods.
‘Well, yes,’ her mother said. ‘That’s grand, so it is.’
‘Of course,’ Briana added. ‘We know what you mean.’
Her mother collected the knife, fork and cup on to the plate and stood. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Yes, well, that’s all right then.’ She walked off.
‘What’s wrong?’ Aileen whispered to her sister. ‘Why are you and Mammy acting like a pair of eejits?’
‘Ah, Mammy and myself are thinking the same, that you and Marvin are, y’know . . .’
‘Well, you’re wrong. We’re not – y’know.’
‘If you say so. But he’s such a lovely man, so he is. You’ll struggle to find better.’
Aileen bowed her head and slowly shook it.
‘Are you still thinking of Niall?’
She looked up. ‘What are you talking about? I haven’t mentioned Niall.’
‘No,’ Briana said. ‘No.’ She put a hand on Aileen’s knee and patted it. ‘Whatever happens, I’m glad you had a nice day yesterday. I think you needed it, so you did.’
‘Thank you, and I’m sorry if I’m a little grumpy.’
‘So, what’ll you be up to today?’
‘I think I might be looking for a job again, helping Mammy do a little washing, and I should really . . .’
Aileen’s words trailed off as she heard a familiar sound – one that made her anxious. It was the sound of a truck pulling up outside the cottage. They stared at each other, Briana looking as worried as Aileen felt.
Aileen bounced up and ran to the window. ‘Dear God,’ she said. ‘Oh no.’ She turned to Briana. ‘It’s him – it’s Marvin.’
‘Marvin? But . . .’
‘What the heck is he doing here?’
Briana frowned. ‘What’s wrong with him being here?’
There was a knock at the door.
‘I’ll get it,’ their mother said.
‘No,’ Aileen said, not thinking – not having time to think.
Her mother showed her a look of disdain, then went over and opened the door.
‘Marvin?’ she said. ‘How lovely to see you again. Come in, why don’t you.’
He stepped inside, said nothing, but his eyes locked on to Aileen and he strode straight over to her. ‘Aileen,’ he said. ‘I really need to talk to you.’
Aileen looked him up and down. His clothes were crumpled. Even his face looked crumpled. His hair was uncombed, which wasn’t like him at all.
‘I don’t understand,’ she said. ‘Where have you been?’
‘Well . . .’ He sighed and rubbed a hand up and down his tired face. ‘I, uh, spent the night in the truck. Parked it up a few miles down the road. I’ve hardly slept.’ He eyed the seats.
Aileen sat back down. Briana instinctively rose from the next chair and sat cross-legged on the floor nearby, leaving Marvin to take the vacant seat. Aileen looked
across to her mother, who was standing by the washtub.
‘Ah . . . perhaps I’d better see to the chickens,’ her mother said. She glared at Briana, but Briana showed no signs of moving, so she picked up the plate of leftover scraps and left.
Marvin turned to Aileen. He seemed unable to control his breathing, gasping and gulping as he tried to speak.
‘Calm down,’ Aileen told him. ‘Tell me what happened.’
He shook his head. ‘Nothing happened. But . . . well, yesterday happened. Yesterday happened and I planned it all, Aileen. I wanted to ask you something. I wanted you to have the most wonderful day of your life, and then I planned to ask you something.’
‘What? Ask me what?’
‘Just hear me out here. Just listen.’ He reached out and held her hand in both of his. ‘Aileen, you probably don’t remember the first time we met, but I do. I remember telling you how I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, even before I got to know you. I meant every word of it. That glorious waterfall of auburn hair; your eyes, emerald like the stone and many times as enchanting; the button nose, pretty as anything; the perfectly judged smattering of freckles; and, oh heaven, your smile – when you smile that’s exactly where my heart goes, heaven. I know all that might sound corny to you, but they’re the truest words I ever spoke.’
‘Oh, Marvin.’ Aileen’s face creased, but in pain, not pleasure.
‘Please, Aileen. Just listen to me.’
Aileen tried to hold it back, but it was no good, the tears had a life all of their own and raced down her cheeks.
‘Some days I thought you were out of my league, or that maybe we wouldn’t get on, but as I got to know you none of that mattered to me. Something else just clicked, like I’d been tied down and then something let me free to float among the clouds, and it was exhilarating. There’s something about you, Aileen. Even in wartime you were fun to be with, you brightened up my life, and . . . and . . . look, when you left Belfast I tried not to think about you, to forget I’d ever known you. But it didn’t work – this thing inside me wouldn’t let me forget. Every time I saw a pretty girl I told myself there were plenty more besides, but this same thing – whatever the hell it is – kept reminding me of your face, your smile, your giggle, your sense of humour, the smart replies, the way you just say it as it is, and I knew I never wanted any of those other girls. So, I had to come here to see you, and to know whether I still felt the same way. And I do, Aileen, I do. I can’t explain it, and I’ve tried to make all the excuses to myself, but I just wanna be with you, goddammit.’
‘Oh, Marvin. I knew that you . . . I mean, I thought that . . . but why didn’t you tell me all this before?’
‘Believe me, I’ve tried a hundred times, but I was always I worried I’d turn you away, that knowing the way I felt would scare you off and I’d lose you forever. In the end I just couldn’t control this thing – I had to tell you. I meant to come out with all this yesterday. I planned it that way, but it just didn’t work. Like I told you, I always wished I had the courage of my kid brother. Perhaps I’ve changed. Perhaps now I do. Aileen, I want you. I just want to be with you forever.’
‘What are you saying, Marvin? I’m not sure I can—’
‘Aileen, come with me back to New York. Come back and marry me. I can’t promise you the world, but I can assure you I’ll give it my best shot, that I’ll love you as good as any man could and that you’ll have the best time ever. I got a good job waiting for me back home and you’ll want for nothing. I’m certain you’ll love my family and they’ll love you. I can make you happy, Aileen.’
Aileen’s lower jaw gaped, her lips twitched. A fog of confusion gripped her head.
‘Oh, Aileen. I don’t have a ring for you just yet, but I’ll make up for that, honestly I will. Please make me the happiest man alive and agree to be my wife.’
Chapter 30
Manhattan, New York City, 1995
Arturo’s isn’t one of New York’s finest restaurants; it’s not even the best on Ninth Avenue. But it’s Aileen’s favourite of many years. That’s many, many years.
They’re seated in a quiet corner away from the draught of the entrance, but not too close to the kitchen.
‘Have you decided what you’re having?’ Aileen says.
‘Probably my usual steak,’ he says. ‘You?’
‘I don’t know if I’m in a fish or a chicken mood.’
‘Oh, I think you probably do know. You have chicken every year.’
‘I guess so. Another reminder of the past.’
‘Talking of the past . . .’
‘Here we go,’ Aileen sings.
‘What?’ he says. ‘I was only going to say they should name a dish after us. When I think back to the late forties, when we first started coming here . . .’
‘Oh, Marvin,’ she says. ‘You always were the dreamer.’
He shrugs. ‘It’s only nostalgia. What’s wrong with that?’
‘Now you’ll start getting all misty-eyed about when we got married.’
‘And what if I do? It’s good to look back, to think how far we’ve all come.’
‘And how dumb we all were back then?’
Marvin hesitates. ‘I’d say more innocent than dumb. But I know what you mean. We know so much now, but I’m not sure we’re better off for it. There’s something about that innocence, don’t you think? It’s almost like the knowledge is a burden.’
She laughs. ‘I always said you should have been a poet, Marvin.’ She sits back and glances at him. There’s a knowing smirk, but one that holds the warmth of years. ‘I can remember when you turned up on our doorstep at Leetown just after the war. You said you had to go home soon and wanted to bag an Irish bride and take her back.’
‘Hey, come on. I’m a poet, remember? I put it better than that.’
‘I’m sure you did.’ Aileen takes a sip of drink. Just water. With her seventieth birthday rapidly approaching, she knows she has to start cutting down on her beloved wine. ‘Tell me, Marvin. While we’re being a little nostalgic, and while there’s just the two of us, would you say you had any regrets?’
‘About us? About what happened in little old Leetown just after the war?’
‘You don’t have to say if you . . .’
He gives his head a brief shake to halt her. ‘That’s okay. I guess we never much talked about it in all these years. Do I have any regrets? Well, I have to say I did for a few weeks – but not after . . . well, you know.’
‘I do know. I remember it well.’
‘It was right, the way it turned out for the two of us. It was for the best. Definitely.’ He takes a breath, then says, ‘What about you?’
‘Do I have any regrets?’ she says. ‘About running away from my home and family to a land of opportunity, freedom and fresh bagels?’ She stares into space for a moment. ‘A lot of sadness. A lot. You can’t help that. But regrets?’ She shook her head. ‘None whatsoever.’
‘You know something, Aileen? I thought not.’
‘No. If I’d stayed in Leetown there’s no way I’d have travelled like I have, or had four wonderful children with the man I still love, or done so many other things that make me truly happy. And I know you’re the dreamer, but I often think back to that day – the day you changed my life.’ She shot him a glance. ‘And I’m still grateful.’
Her eyes dwelt for just a second on those teeth, still all present but now a uniform yellow, and his hair, now thinning and more white than blond. In her mind, just for a moment, the teeth were that pure white again and the hair full and blond with youth.
Leetown, County Wicklow, 1945
Inside Sweeney Cottage, Marvin was now on one knee, his outstretched hand holding Aileen’s, the lazy peat fire casting a soft glow on one side of his face.
‘I know I’m not the most dynamic guy in the world, but I promise to love you more than I love life itself. If I need to ask you a thousand times, just say so and I will. Please, Aileen. Please come bac
k to America and be my wife.’
Aileen felt the atmosphere, full and heavy with expectation, stifling her very breath. She could see nothing but his half-amber face, soft-hearted, gentle and kind, staring back at her expectantly.
‘Oh, Marvin. That’s so nice of you, but . . . I . . . I can’t leave.’ She sniffed a few tears back. ‘I could leave Leetown, but not Ireland.’
He held her chin between his thumb and forefinger, steadied her, then spoke slowly and deliberately. ‘I know you. And you could. You really could. And you’d be able to visit here. It’s not like you’d be cutting yourself off for good. It’s America, not the moon.’
She shook her head. ‘No, Marvin. I’m too scared.’
He held her hand tightly, clasping it to his chest. ‘Well, don’t be scared, goddammit. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, confident woman. You are confident, you just need to believe it. You can do this, Aileen, I know it.’
‘But, it’s too . . .’
‘Too what?’
‘Too far away. Even the thought of it scares me.’
‘But, wasn’t Belfast scary at first?’
‘Ah, it’s not the same thing.’
‘And what exactly are you scared of ? Scared of missing Leetown? Or scared you’ll settle in a place, that it’ll feel like home before you want it to?’
Aileen’s eyes fell to one side, to Briana. There was an urge to ask Briana what she would say, but her throat was jammed and Briana’s face was as placid as a midsummer lake.
She returned her gaze to Marvin. ‘But . . . America? I’m sorry, Marvin. It’s all too sudden. The more I think about it, the harder it becomes.’
Marvin’s voice started to strain. ‘Well, don’t think about it, just do it. You can come back here and visit. Okay, so not every week, but every year, and they say you’ll be able to fly here pretty soon. I told you, it’s not the moon, it’s America. And heck, I’ll be able to afford it. I got a good job waiting for me. You’ll want for nothing.’
Aileen stared down, her hand rubbing her forehead. There was something in his words. The thoughts were racing around inside her head like caged wild wolves, because there was definitely something in what Marvin had said.