by Rachel Quinn
Marvin then talked about not putting excuses in front of everything, but Aileen wasn’t listening. She was thinking of the moon.
The moon.
It wasn’t the moon.
She started mumbling to herself. ‘America isn’t the moon,’ she said. ‘It’s not the moon.’ Then she was back in the cinema, with Niall, listening to Bette Davis talking of the moon and the stars. And then, with her breathing halted, she was outside the cinema, listening to Niall. He was telling her to have the moon, the stars, the sun and everything – that she should reach for whatever it was she truly wanted.
Aileen gasped, then shut her eyes tightly. ‘Oh Jesus. Oh my Lord.’
‘Aileen?’ he said. ‘Please tell me, will you marry me?’
She wiped the tears from her face and looked into his eyes, good and honest, but sad and desperate.
‘Thank you so much, Marvin.’ She stood up and kissed him on the forehead, holding on until her tears ran on to his face. She let go, then kissed him again.
He narrowed his eyes. ‘So, is that a yes?’
She shook her head. ‘No. It’s a no, and I’m more sorry than I’ve ever been in my life. But I can’t thank you enough for this, Marvin. And I’ll never forget it.’
‘I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?’
‘Nothing,’ she said, sniffing and drying her eyes. ‘Listen to me, Marvin. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, and one day you’ll make some girl a wonderful husband. But it won’t be me.’
She bolted for the bedroom.
Briana was still sitting on the floor, still looking up at Marvin, who now had his head in his hands. Noises from the bedroom made her wrench her attention from him. ‘Aileen?’ she shouted out. ‘Aileen? What’re you doing?’ She got to her feet and went into the bedroom. ‘What’s happening?’ she said.
Aileen had taken her mother’s suitcase out from under the bed and was throwing all her clothes into it. When Briana appeared, she stopped, groaned as if upset, and flung her arms around Briana. The girls hugged for a few seconds, then held hands, face to face.
‘Oh, Briana, I’m all a mess. I don’t know, I’m not sure – then again I am, I am sure, I’m so sure it hurts.’
‘I don’t understand, Aileen. Are you going where I think you’re going?’
‘I am.’ She scattered a few more items into the suitcase. ‘I haven’t much time, but I know I have to do this. If I don’t go I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting it.’
Briana beamed a proud smile. ‘I know, Aileen.’
‘You do understand, don’t you?’
‘Oh, I do, Aileen, I do. I know exactly how hard it is. I only wish I was as brave as you.’
‘Brave? Ha!’ She let go of her sister and started rummaging around in her handbag. ‘Have I got enough time? What’s the time? I’m late, I know. Will I make it?’ She cursed. ‘Where in the name of God did I . . . ?’
Briana reached for her handbag, opened it, and pulled out the ticket. ‘Here. You’ll be needing this.’
Aileen grabbed it, stared at it, almost in tears. ‘But . . . my ticket. How did . . . ? You kept it?’
‘I had an idea you’d need it – maybe a hope. Like I said, you’re a braver woman than me. I knew that all along.’
‘Oh, Briana, I’m so lucky to have such a romantic fool for a sister.’ Aileen threw herself around her sister again and held on. ‘Oh God. I’m so scared, Briana. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. Am I doing the right thing? What d’you think?’
Briana pushed her away, holding on to her shoulders and looking her in the eye. ‘Yes, my little sister, you are doing the right thing. It’s just . . .’
‘Just what?’
‘You’re just going to go off without saying goodbye to everyone?’
‘I don’t know. Should I stop awhile? I’ll just cause arguments. And I don’t have the time.’
Briana thought for a moment. ‘You’re right. You have to go while you have the nerve. Go to the station, catch the next train to Dublin, and whatever you do, don’t look back.’
Aileen chewed her lip and nodded. ‘Yes. Right. What’s the time? D’you know what the time is?’
‘No, but it can’t be eleven yet. You have time.’
‘Yes. Right. Grand.’ Aileen hugged her sister and squeezed. ‘Oh heck, I’m going to miss you.’
‘I know, I know. Now, c’mon.’
Aileen stood back. ‘Yes, yes.’ She quickly tucked in the clothes that spilled over the edges of the case and shut it, then stepped toward her sister, arms out. ‘Awww, Briana. What in heaven’s name am I doing?’
‘Whatever you’re doing, just do it. Believe me, you don’t want Mammy catching you – she’ll only try to talk you out of it. Now go.’
‘Right.’ Aileen nodded to herself. ‘Yes. Yes, you’re right.’ She took a deep breath, slung her handbag over her shoulder, and grabbed the suitcase. ‘I’m doing it. I’m going now.’ She took two more deep breaths and marched out into the main room, where she gave Marvin’s lonely, hunched form a final glance as she headed for the front door.
Briana wasn’t far behind. ‘Now, are you sure you don’t want me to come to Dublin with you?’
Aileen opened the door and they both stepped outside. The door shut, its thump giving Aileen encouragement.
‘I could if you want,’ Briana said. ‘I could come along on the train.’
‘No, Briana.’ Aileen gave her head a firm shake. ‘No. I’ll only know if I really want to do this if I do it all on my own. And I know that makes me sound like an eejit, but . . .’ She hugged Briana once more. ‘Oh, Briana. I’ll write, I’ll visit, I’ll use one of those telephone things if I can get hold of one. Most of all, I promise I’ll see you again, one way or another.’
Releasing her sister, Aileen shook her head and sighed. ‘Ah, dear God. It’s no good, Briana. I can’t do it. I can’t go without saying goodbye to Mammy. I haven’t it in me.’
‘No. Right. I understand. But you’ll have to hurry.’
Their mother was filling a basket with eggs from the chicken house. She stopped and placed the basket down when she saw Aileen and Briana hurtling toward her.
‘What is it?’ she said, only mildly alarmed. ‘What’s going on?’
‘I haven’t much time, Mammy.’ Aileen put the case down.
‘What is it, Aileen? Tell me.’
‘Mammy, it’s no use trying to talk me out of it. I’m going. I’m getting on that ship to America, and I’m going to marry Niall.’
Her mother said nothing at first, through shock or confusion – her face was always hard to read. ‘No,’ she said eventually. ‘Oh no.’
‘Yes, Mammy. Oh yes.’
Her mother stared at her for what felt like an age, before nodding slowly. ‘Ah, well, if you truly feel like that, Aileen.’
‘I do. And I’m not arguing about it.’
‘No.’ She looked at the case. So did Aileen.
‘And I’m sorry, I have to borrow your case again.’
‘I don’t care about my case. I care about my daughter. But I suppose tis good. Tis good that a little of me goes with you.’
‘I’m sorry, Mammy. I never meant to . . .’
‘Shh,’ her mother said, and held her arms out.
Aileen threw her arms around her mother, and felt that hand caressing her hair – the hand that had lovingly and selflessly fed her, washed her, clothed her and brushed her hair over so many years. Aileen pulled back and looked her mother in the eye. There was a calmness she didn’t expect. There was love, there was concern, but most of all there was acceptance.
‘Aileen, I get the feeling I wouldn’t ever be able to change your mind. And that’s a good thing. I remember . . . I had this sort of talk before with your sister.’ She glanced at Briana, standing behind Aileen. ‘And I’m still not sure I did the right thing. But I’m here to bring up my little ones as well as I can, so they grow up good and strong, so they can survive out of the
nest, and so they’ll know when it’s time to go.’ Tears started to pool on her lower eyelids. ‘I think that job’s done as far as you’re concerned.’
‘Oh, Mammy. Oh heck, I’ll miss you, Mammy.’
‘Not as much as I’ll miss you, Aileen. All my little ones fly off, and my heart never stops aching for them. But your time’s come. Just be sure to look after yourself.’
‘I will, Mammy. I promise you.’
‘And . . . and look after this Niall fellow too.’
Aileen pressed her head against her mother’s chest again, and felt the warmth of her embrace, knowing it might be for the last time.
‘Aileen, I know how you feel about Niall, and I know he’s a good man despite what all the men who run this country think. I really mean that. So, if you want my blessing to go and marry him, then you have it. Good luck and God bless the both of you.’ She squeezed Aileen once more.
‘What about Daddy?’ Aileen said.
‘Leave your daddy to me, Aileen. And listen to me. Don’t you go judging him too harshly. Remember that I knew him for many years before you were even born, and we’ve been through a lot together. He’s a good man too, in his own way.’
‘Mammy, I have a lot of good memories of him to take with me. But I have to go now.’
She released her daughter. ‘Of course. May God bless and protect you, Aileen.’ She swallowed as if in pain, and wiped a few tears away.
Aileen turned, gave Briana one last hug, then grabbed her case. ‘Goodbye!’ she shouted as she ran off. ‘I’ll miss you both!’
Then she was gone.
Chapter 31
Aileen’s tears only stopped coming once she’d settled herself down in the carriage at Leetown Station.
As the train pulled out and away from the village – Aileen’s village – she kept telling herself not to look back, just as Briana had said, but she couldn’t help herself. She found herself staring with both uncertainty and fondness at her own beginnings until the train rounded the bend.
She took a few deep breaths, dried her face, and forced herself to smile. The smile faltered, but she fought to keep it there, and within minutes no effort was needed.
There would be no more tears.
She’d been happy in Leetown – and lucky too. But this would be the start of a new happiness – one in a new and exciting country, and with the man she loved.
Rows of long, wood-panelled benches filled the whole centre section of the foredeck, and Niall was sitting on the end of the second one from the back.
This was where they’d arranged to meet. At least, if Aileen had decided to come. He was nervous enough for himself, leaving his homeland for another country. All right, he’d been to Britain, France, Belgium and Holland, not to mention sailing through the Mediterranean. But this was another continent – one five days away. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he was doubly nervous for not knowing whether Aileen was going to make it.
But no, she would make it, he was sure of it. She would change her mind and come to America with him. She’d probably just left it late – that was like her, a right Miss Unpredictable.
He allowed himself a slight smile at that.
From here he could just about see the occupant of every seat. He could mostly see the backs of heads, but that would have been enough. If Aileen were sitting there right now he would know, he would definitely know.
An image of her lustrous hair – that distinctive blend of brown and red, as wavy as the sea just beyond the handrails – was flowing through his mind along with all the other memories he held from their times together.
But memories alone were no good.
He stood up and glanced around, scanning heads and faces, then stepped to one side and peered around the side deck. Did he tell Aileen to meet him on the foredeck? Of course he did.
Calm down, Niall.
And was there more than one foredeck? If so they might not meet. She might even go to the other one, not find him and, distraught, get off the ship.
He shook his head. More than one foredeck?
Don’t be stupid, Niall.
However, it was a chilly day. Perhaps not so much on land, but definitely here above the ocean where there was a salty whip to the wind. So she could have decided to sit elsewhere and just keep checking the foredeck now and then.
No, Niall. Just sit and be patient.
He sat and thought on. Could he genuinely be so sure she’d be here? It hadn’t seemed promising the last time they’d met, when she’d told him she couldn’t do it – couldn’t leave Ireland and her family behind – and had said goodbye for the last time. But surely she must have had time to reconsider.
He turned his attentions to the people around him, wondering how many of them were ordinary Irish sorts just like him, striving and sacrificing in order to discover a new and better existence on the other side of the world. Just like him. And there were a few women too, just like Aileen.
He patted his hands on his knees, took a few strengthening gasps of the cool air, and scanned all the unknown heads before him once more. He folded his right leg on to his left knee, sighed and mumbled a curse, then took his right leg down and reversed the position. He turned to the man sitting next to him, who was immaculately dressed – and well educated, judging by the newspaper he was reading.
‘Excuse me,’ Niall said, leaning in to him, ‘do you happen to know the time, please?’
The man frowned. ‘I’d say it’s about ten minutes later than the last time you asked me.’
‘Ah, yes, I’m sorry. So I did – I forgot. Sorry. A lot of people look the same here.’ He gave the man an apologetic smile, which was wasted as he’d already turned back to his newspaper.
Niall told himself not to worry about the time. Aileen’s timing wasn’t in his hands. He imagined her walking along that wobbly gangplank, and wondered how she would cope with it. The ship rocked around in the quay – not much, but enough to make anyone boarding hold the handrail tightly and look where they were going, so Aileen would also see the rush of seawater lapping and rushing back and forth along—
He jumped to his feet. The gangplank. Of course. If she wasn’t yet on the ship he could watch out for her getting onboard. He turned and hurried there, swimming against the tide of his fellow passengers, quite a few of them looking as worried as he felt.
Yes, there was a vantage point, a position on the handrail he could cling on to and claim as his own. He looked directly down at the grey-tinted sea slopping around as if it was probing the hull for a way in. There was a definite stink of oil and sewers, but it only registered for a second before he locked his eyes on to the gangway just a little further along and below and started checking the trail of passengers teetering as they boarded.
There!
He felt like shouting it. There was one who looked like – but no, she turned her head: much older than Aileen. A few minutes later he held his breath as he spotted another woman with the same colour hair as Aileen. But the hair was longer, and she was holding hands with a man. Not Aileen. It was going to be a long, boring journey. He needed a little company, a familiar smile to bring joy, a friendly ear to listen. Aileen would be perfect. And the perfect accompaniment to his new life in America too.
No, Niall, no. He didn’t need company and a smile and an ear. He needed Aileen.
He needed her and her alone to be his friend, his lover, his wife and his helper. Aileen should be his everything to share everything with. He wanted her here and by his side forever – to have, to hold, to love, to cherish.
Oh heck. Thoughts of Aileen – a life without her – were making him feel sick and bringing tears to his eyes. Only now was it dawning on him. He needed her, but he’d been too bold, too confident, too sure of himself. The trail of people boarding slowed to a trickle, stragglers who hadn’t noticed the time, and drinkers who wanted to slake their thirst on the last of the genuine black stuff right up till the last minute.
She wasn’t coming. Damn it!
<
br /> He should have seen her again. To hell with her family. He should have gone to Leetown again and pleaded with her to come with him. He should have given her more time to decide. Or perhaps he should have dragged her to the docks and on to the ship.
Then even the trickle of passengers stopped. Niall had an urge to climb over the railings, scale down the hull and insist they leave the gangway in place for another ten minutes. He needed another ten minutes.
But no. The gangway was taken away, the artery between ship and land had been severed, and now only ropes connected the floating town to the quayside. Niall watched as they too were pulled on board. He had an urge to jump ship, his unshakeable confidence of the previous week gone, like a rug pulled from under his feet.
He’d changed his mind. He didn’t want to go to America. He was Irish and wanted to stay in Ireland. Good God, this was more frightening than setting sail for occupied France – at least there had been a purpose to that, and he’d been trained and felt part of a team.
Only now, as he backed away from the railings, did he notice how tightly he’d been holding them. His hands were tired, his knuckles white under taut skin.
He wiped the tears from his face and told himself to have a little dignity. He’d made his decision, booked the tickets, packed what few possessions he had, and said goodbye to the few friends he’d made in Dublin. He’d done all of that with a stoicism that had come so easily. Even when he’d given Aileen her ticket there had been no hesitation, no thought that this was a mistake and he might have been better off staying in Dublin.
But now, when it was just too damn late, there was hesitation. The quayside buildings got smaller as the rumble of the engines got louder and the beast of a craft was manoeuvred around and further away from land. Niall found himself staring and told himself to stop trying to judge the growing gap below – to stop weighing it up against his very average swimming skills.
So.
Aileen hadn’t made it.
For whatever reason, she wasn’t here. He was on his own. He’d been sure she would change her mind, but he’d been kidding himself all along. He would just have to live with the consequences.