Totally Inevitable Intent

by Michele Lenard

  “Of course I’m not okay!” I shout. “There is video of us naked and fucking floating around the internet for anyone to look at; my daughter, who I’ve tried to set a good example for, knows about it; and I don’t care what you say about faces being hard to see, we both know that doesn’t mean we won’t be recognized.”

  Anthony cradles my head in his hand and kisses my forehead. “I know. I know it seems like the end of the world right now, but we’ll fix this.”

  I pull back and glare at him. “We can’t fix this. Wes and Sawyer know about it.”

  “They know we’re sleeping together, yeah. They probably knew that anyway,” he says calmly.

  “But they didn’t have evidence of it. They didn’t have to witness it. Sawyer’s dad has been a constant source of embarrassment her whole life because of his relationships, and I always swore I’d never do the same thing. What I did was worse. At least her father never got caught on video fucking one of his many conquests.”

  “Hold on.” Anthony scowls. “First, you are not a conquest for me, and I’m not one for you, so don’t compare us to your ex-husband. Second, we were not fucking. We were not having sex because we were feeling horny or adventurous. We were having sex because we have a connection that extends beyond physical attraction. There were feelings involved for both of us, so don’t cheapen it by implying it was some random hookup, because we both know it wasn’t. And third, stop hiding your feelings behind Sawyer.” His eyes turn soft, pleading. “I love you. I want Wes and Sawyer to know I love you. I don’t want to tiptoe around them and pretend like this is some casual relationship, because it isn’t. Not for me.”

  My heart feels like it’s being ripped apart. Anthony loves me, a feeling I never thought I’d experience again, one that would have given me unmeasurable joy just a few minutes ago. But right now, it’s the last thing I want to hear. I can’t process his feelings for me while my world is crumbling. I can’t process anything, except the pain and hurt I know without a doubt Sawyer is feeling right now. And humiliation. Which I’ve caused.

  The reason behind our encounter doesn’t matter. No one would look at it and think how beautiful it is for two people to make love. They’d look at it and laugh at how stupid it is to get caught fucking on camera. They’d leer at our naked bodies and cheer us on to the finish. They’d take everything that was special about it and turn it into something trashy for their amusement. That’s what Sawyer would see, and that would make me just like her father in her eyes. So it doesn’t matter how Anthony feels. It doesn’t matter how either of us feel. What matters is having this impact Sawyer as little as possible.

  “Jen?” Anthony strokes my cheek. “Look at me, sweetheart. Tell me you heard me. Tell me you know how much you mean to me and that we’ll face this together.”

  I do hear him, but I can’t tell him that. I can’t look into those deep, dark eyes and give him what he wants, not without knowing what sort of damage has been done to Sawyer.

  “I have to get home.” I push away from him and stand up. “I have to see Sawyer.” I grab my purse and run to my car, afraid of what I’m leaving and what I’m about to find.

  ***

  “Sawyer? Are you here?” I drop my purse and keys on the kitchen table and walk into the living room, stopping cold when I see Sawyer huddled with Wes on the couch. He has his arm around her, comforting her, and for a fleeting moment I think of Anthony and how grateful I am that he raised such a compassionate son. But thoughts of Anthony only remind me of why I’m here in the first place, and my stomach drops.

  Wes whispers something to Sawyer, who nods curtly, then he slowly rises off the couch and walks toward me. He stops about a foot away and looks down on me with knowing eyes. “It’ll be okay.” He gives me a hug and then lets himself out the back door.

  I watch him go, bracing myself for the most difficult conversation of my life, then turn to face Sawyer.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  “What do you think?” Her voice is cold.

  “I think you’re probably hurt, confused, and disappointed. And I don’t blame you.”

  “How could you?” She finally looks at me, and I can see the redness in her eyes. “Not even Dad was ever this stupid.”

  It hurts like hell to hear that, even though I was expecting it. “I suppose he wasn’t. Although when you’re on private property, you expect a certain degree of privacy, so I’d like to think I haven’t done anything worse than your dad has done.”

  “How is this not worse? At least when Dad’s picture gets taken with his dates, they’ve got their clothes on. Is this what you do with guys? Screw them in the woods so I don’t see it? Good plan,” she scoffs sarcastically.

  I take a deep breath. Losing my temper will only make things worse, but it’s damn hard not to scream over the unfairness of it all. I’ve lived my entire adult life trying to protect Sawyer, and the one time I put myself first, it’s caught on camera and turns me into a pariah in her eyes.

  “I know you’re mad, but that doesn’t give you any right to speak to me that way.”

  “How should I speak to you, then? Like you’re an adult? Cause from what I can tell, I’m the only person in this family who acts like one.”

  “That’s not fair, Sawyer. The person who filmed us illegally is at fault here. Don’t condemn me for someone else’s crime.”

  “And if you weren’t being so promiscuous, there wouldn’t have been a crime for that person to commit,” she retorts.

  “Do you even know what promiscuous means? Because you’re using it incorrectly. Reckless or caught in the moment, yes, I’m guilty of that. But Anthony is the only person I’ve had a relationship with since your father and I divorced, and to imply otherwise isn’t just hurtful, it’s a lie.” It takes all my willpower to say that without any malice after the tongue lashing she just gave me.

  “Oh, you want to talk about hurtful?” She pins me with a glare. “Fine. Let’s talk about how a group of guys from my school were the ones who showed me the video. Let’s talk about how Dad’s parade of girlfriends makes him a hero to my horny classmates, who think you were part of that parade no matter how many times I tell them you two were actually married. They already think of you as some loose football groupie who got knocked up. Now they have video evidence of it. I spent years defending you. How am I supposed to show my face at school after this?” she shouts.

  “Don’t be so dramatic. No one knows it was us,” I say curtly, my patience waning. I take a deep breath and continue. “This won’t affect you. You don’t have to hide.”

  “No way, this stuff always comes out. I don’t want to be there when it does.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying I don’t want to be around you and Anthony. Better yet, I don’t want you around him. The more you two are together, the more likely it is someone will realize it was you in the video.” She glares.

  “Sawyer, that’s extreme.”

  “It’s the only way you can’t be accused of acting like Dad,” she insists.

  “This is nothing like your dad’s relationships. This isn’t just some fling. I care about Anthony.”

  “More than me?” She stares me down.

  Sawyer’s words hit me like a knife in the chest, a sharp burst of pain followed by nothing. Just nothing.

  All feeling drains away, leaving me hollow, too stunned to move or speak. My heart slows, each beat echoing through my cavernous shell like the beat of a drum leading up to an execution. She doesn’t want to be around me and Anthony together. She doesn’t want us to be together. She’s telling me to choose.

  So, this is what heartbreak feels like?

  I didn’t expect this. I expected grief. Anger. Pain so crippling I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t expect nothingness. But maybe I should have. After all, if your heart is broken, how can you feel anything at all?

  It’s dusk before I realize I’m still sitting in the living room, alone. I don’t remember sitting
down, don’t even remember Sawyer leaving. But I clearly remember what she said. She’s been defending me against accusations of sleeping around, simply because of who her father is, and with one careless moment I’ve given her classmates reason to believe they’re right about me. It doesn’t matter that they might not even know the video exists. Sawyer does, and while I knew that would change how she saw me, I never imagined it could be as bad as this. That it could cost me Anthony.

  Throughout her life, Sawyer has only had one person she could truly rely on, one person who never disappointed her. Me. And now I’ve made her question that. Before I met Anthony, she never had a reason to doubt me, and now, now I’ll be lucky if she ever talks to me again.

  How can this be happening? I’ve done everything right for so long, and even despite that damn video, I’ve done so many things right with Anthony. Like he said, we’re two people who have a connection that’s more than physical, and we developed that connection before taking things to the next level. That would have been the perfect example to set for Sawyer, if the video hadn’t gotten in the way. And now, because of that, I’m poised to lose one, if not both, of the most important people in my life.

  There’s really only one option. Sawyer might hate me right now, but she’ll come around. Although she doesn’t love her dad’s lifestyle, she’s learned to live with it, and they have a decent enough relationship when he’s around. It will take time, but she’ll eventually forgive me the way she does him. She’ll see that I’m just as much a victim in all this as she is. More so, although it’s hard to convince teenagers of that. But one day she’ll get past this. The only hiccup to her forgiveness is Anthony.

  I know she likes him, but she’ll forever look at him as another guilty party, and the two of us together will be a constant reminder of this episode in our lives. I can’t put her through that. And as much as it pains me to admit it, that means I’ll have to break things off with Anthony.

  That thought causes another burst of pain in my chest, because if I’m being honest with myself, I’ve fallen in love with him. The week we spent together was the most magical in my life, and it teased me with dreams of being with him forever. The cruel irony is that he feels the same way, and that dream might have been possible if things had played out differently. But they didn't, and now that dream is dead.

  Once again, the emptiness seeps into my chest, and I feel lost. There were plenty of times in my life when I should have felt lost, like when I discovered I was pregnant at eighteen or when I knew I needed to end things with Colt. But even in those moments, I’d felt sure of my next step, sure of myself, and I’d come out of those situations relatively unscathed. But this? This might very well break me, because Anthony has become part of me, and I’m not sure how to live without that. But I’ll figure it out, because if I have to choose, I choose my daughter.

  I grab my phone to call him and tell him it’s over when I notice a text. It had come in hours ago, and I must have been too shocked or distracted to see it. My hands shake as I read the words. “Sawyer’s going to stay with me awhile.” She’s gone to her dad’s. There’s no indication when she’ll be back. That’s when the tears finally start to flow.

  Chapter 23

  Anthony

  It’s been three days since the video surfaced. Three days since I’ve seen or spoken to Jen, who is ignoring my calls. Well, except for a brief “tell me when it’s down” text I got in response to one I sent about my attorney, Jason, who’s working to get it pulled off the internet.

  I know Jen’s hurting. She's worried about Sawyer and how this will affect her, especially given that her dad’s love life has been on display much of her life. I’m sure Jen’s having to suffer the consequences of her ex’s actions as well as her own, and I want nothing more than to be there to help her through it. But she won’t let me. I don’t know if that’s because she’s been so independent for so long or if it’s something else. I can’t let myself think about the something else.

  About the only thing I don’t have to think about through all this is Wes. I wasn’t sure what to expect when I saw him, but he’d laughed, told me when I decided to go after a woman I went big, and that was the end of it. I apologized for embarrassing him, for not being more discreet, and he told me the only embarrassing thing was pretending to be interested in it so his friends wouldn’t suspect anything. He also told me he’d take that video over me being unhappy.

  It sucks for your kid to point out that he’s sensed your unhappiness all these years, but I’m grateful to him for realizing it and giving me permission to try to find it. I might not have found it without him. Now I just have to figure out how to keep it, and until Jen talks to me, I don’t know how to do that.

  Do I force her to talk to me by going over to her house? I mean, we have to talk sometime, but will she do that before she’s ready? Or do I contact her about this flip, because it should have hit the market two days ago, and I’m not sure now when it will?

  I’m debating what to do when I hear footsteps behind me. “Whoa, it’s a scorcher today. What are the odds we can get in that pool?” Colt asks. We’re putting the finishing touches on his project, making sure the pumps are working and that the new sprinkler system is set so all the landscaping we’ve done will be virtually maintenance free.

  I shake his hand, hoping that will save me from a pat on the back. “You probably want to wait until we’re done testing all the mechanical components, but it should be ready sometime this afternoon, and then we’ll be out of the way.”

  “You really outdid yourself, man,” he says, looking around. “This looks amazing. I hated coming outside before cause it was just that old grilling station and some furniture. Now it’s like a resort. Minus the sand. But that’s okay, cause who wants sand in the house anyway, right?” He winks.

  “Right,” I agree.

  I spend a few minutes touring the property with him for a final walkthrough of what had been done, showing him all the features he has and which remotes activate them. He has fun experimenting with the pool lights, pre-set to Stallions colors, of course, and playing different music to see what it sounds like on the new speakers.

  “This is exactly what I wanted.” Colt looks around his yard with an awed expression. “When we started all this, I couldn’t even put into words how I wanted it to turn out, but this is it. I don’t know how you did it, but you created the perfect backyard for me.”

  “I’m glad you like it,."

  “I love it. I can’t wait to have a team party here.” He claps his hands together. “You should probably be prepared for some more work requests after. Or maybe you should just be here, that way I can point to you when they start asking who did this and how they can find you.”

  “That’s really generous of you, thanks,” I mumble, doubting it will ever happen, since most clients like to show off their renovations without the help there to comment on them, but I appreciate the gesture.

  “Hey, what’s with you today? You built this amazing space, your client is happy, and you’re over there all ‘I’m glad you like it,’ but you sound bored when you say it. I know you’re a man of few words, but still. You’re not gonna get clients at my party if you’re gonna be all mopey. What gives? Is it the woman again?”

  I’m just about to answer, to tell him we hit a bump in the road but we’ll figure it out, when I hear the back door open, and Colt turns to toward it. “Hey, sweetie,” he says. “Come see what Anthony built in the backyard.” That’s when his “sweetie” stops dead in her tracks, and I get a good look at her. Sawyer. What the hell is she doing here?

  The two of us freeze, staring at each other while our brains try to catch up with what we’re seeing. I’m vaguely aware of Colt looking curiously between the two of us, but I can’t think about that right now. All I can register is the anger in Sawyer’s eyes.

  Colt’s booming voice snaps us out of our stupor. “Anthony, how in the hell do you know my daughter?”

  “Daughter
?” I gasp. “You’re Jen’s ex?”

  “I suppose that makes you the star of the video Sawyer’s upset about?” Colt scowls. He gestures for Sawyer to go back inside, and she doesn’t hesitate. I hear the door close, then he faces me with his arms crossed and a truly menacing look on his face.

  “I’m sorry Sawyer’s upset, but I promise she’s not nearly as upset as I am,” I start.

  “Yeah? How do you figure? Half her classmates have seen her mom getting nailed on the goddamn internet. You think you’re the victim here?”

  My whole body starts to shake with fury. Colt is the absolute last person with the right to judge, and regardless of who he is to Jen and Sawyer, I will not let him talk about her that way. I ball my fists and take a deep breath. “I like you, Colt, and I intend to keep it that way. But if you ever talk about Jen like that again, I will level you.”

  “Think you can?” he taunts.

  “I wouldn’t bet against me.” I glare at him.

  He studies me for a moment before he bursts out laughing. “Shit. You’re scarier than half the guys I play against. You’re not small, either. You should’ve played football.”

  I don’t know what the hell is going on, but I’m not letting my guard down. I stand stiffly in front of him.

  “Relax.” He chuckles. “You’re obviously in love with her or you wouldn’t be threatening to take my head off right now. It was stupid to get caught on film with your dick out, and you’re going to have to fix that for Sawyer somehow, but I assume it’s Jen you’ve been pining over all summer, so I know this whole thing isn’t as lurid as it’s made out to be.”

  Air finally finds its way into my lungs. “No. It’s not.”

  “Why don’t you tell me about it?” Colt leads me over to the outdoor kitchen and leans against the bar. “I stocked this yesterday.” He hands me a beer.

  “I’m not going to tell you about it except to say we were on private property and whoever took that was trespassing. My attorney is working to get it pulled down.”