Totally Inevitable Intent

by Michele Lenard

  “Do you need help with that? I could have my attorneys take a look.” He takes a sip.

  “If it comes to that, I’ll let you know. But since it’s his property we were on, with permission, he might be better suited to press trespassing charges against whoever posted the video. He’s hoping it can be leverage to pull the it down since there isn’t much precedent about what you can and can’t post online.”

  “Okay, so you’ve got that side of it handled. What about the rest?”

  “That’s where it gets more complicated.” I sigh. “Jen hasn’t talked to me since we found out about the video, so I have no idea where her head’s at. I know she’s concerned about how this will affect Sawyer, and I’ve been trying to give her space so she can figure that out. But it scares me that I haven’t heard from her. Have you?” I didn’t get the impression from Jen that she had much contact with Colt, but if Sawyer is here, maybe he knows something.

  “Nah. I think she’s too embarrassed to talk to me.”

  “What about Sawyer? How is she?”

  “Pissed. Embarrassed. Hurt.”

  “At me or Jen?” I wince. I expected that initially, but if Sawyer is here instead of with Jen, it could be much worse than I realized.

  “Both. But you know how kids are. They make a big deal out of everything. How’s your kid taking it?”

  “He’s fine.” I sip my beer. “Obviously, it’s a little embarrassing for both of us, but in the end, he just wants me to be happy. And since none of his friends have recognized me, it hasn’t caused him any trouble.”

  Colt nods, seemingly deep in thought. “Does Jen know you love her?”

  “I told her. The timing was bad, though. It was right after we learned about the video. She…” I avert my eyes. “She said at least you never got caught on camera with any of your conquests.”

  Colt throws his head back and laughs. “I guess that’s true.”

  “You’re not upset?” I wonder aloud.

  “My inability to settle down even after getting married is a big part of why we split up. She suffered through a lot of my ‘conquests,’” he uses air quotes, “so I can’t be upset about her speaking the truth.”

  I may not have liked the idea of Colt before, from what Jen and Sawyer had divulged about him, but I respect that he owns his mistakes and doesn’t seem to hold mine against me. So I continue.

  “Well, anyhow, I told her she wasn’t a conquest and not to let this whole video thing cheapen what happened, and that we’d get through this together. But then she ran off to check on Sawyer. I want to go after her, but I know she’s independent and won’t react well to being pushed if she’s not ready.”

  “Hmm.” Colt sips his beer. “Does she love you?”

  “She hasn’t said that, but yeah, I think she does.”

  “Well, you’re right about her being independent,” Colt begins. “But she’s also fiercely loyal to the people she loves. Go talk to her.”

  “What do I say?”

  “Remind her how you feel, how she feels, because if she didn’t have deep feelings for you, she never would have gotten involved.”

  “You think so?” I hold my breath.

  “Yeah.” Colt sips his beer absentmindedly. “After what I put her through, I know she wouldn’t do anything casual.”

  “Thank you for telling me that.” I exhale. “And I’m sorry to involve you in this. I’m sure it must be weird.”

  “Not as weird as I expected, actually.” He studies me. “You’re a good guy. You’re good for her.”

  “Thanks.” I shake Colt’s hand. “I promise to do my best by her. And Sawyer.”

  “I know you will.” He returns the handshake. “Now go get her.”

  As always seems to happen with Colt, I feel a bit lighter after talking to him. I hope that’s for good reason.

  ***

  “Hi,” Jen says distantly when she opens the front door. Not a good sign, but I know Colt is right, that she’s fiercely loyal to those she loves, and I have to believe that includes me. I grab her waist and pull her to me for a kiss. She holds stiff at first then sighs softly and leans into me, her soft lips pressed gently against mine. Letting her go, I notice the “for sale” sign in the foyer. “Have you been by to see the house staged? I guess it’s ready to go on the market now. Are you happy with it?”

  Jen steps back so I can enter and closes the door behind me. “Actually, that sign is for this house.”

  My whole body tenses. I’m frozen in place as I play the words over in my head. The sign is for this house? How is that possible? Did I hear correctly?

  Jen heads for the living room robotically and motions for me to follow. Despite not being able to feel my feet, I manage the few steps and drop next to her on the couch. She looks at me, her eyes as numb as my body feels, and I know before the words hit her lips that they’ll change my life forever.

  “Sawyer and I are moving.”

  My heart lurches and starts thumping at a rapid pace as I wait for her to continue.

  “She won’t come home. She won’t go back to school. Not after that video. I got that job in Longmont, and she’ll come home as long as we go somewhere else where no one knows her and connects her, or me, to that video.”

  “But…you can’t tell it’s us. No one recognized us. And my attorney is working to get it pulled down. Before long, no one will be able to see it at all and this will all be over.” I reach for her hand, but she pulls back.

  “It doesn’t matter.” She looks at me with glassy eyes. “It happened. She knows about it. She doesn’t want to take the chance that someone will put two and two together. If we’re seen together, they might.”

  “They won’t.” I insist. “None of Wes’s friends have made that connection, and soon no one will be able to. It will be pulled down. Please don’t do this.”

  “It’s done. I’ve already accepted the job. The house goes on the market tomorrow.” She blinks back tears.

  My chest feels crushed under the weight of her words. This can’t be happening again. First one love was ripped away, and now the only other is walking away. I’ve spent so long guarding my heart against this pain, and the first time I let that guard down, I find myself in the exact position I swore never to put myself in again? This can’t be real.

  “Don’t do this yet,” I try again. “It’s only been a few days. Maybe Sawyer won’t be so upset a few days from now. Wes has already forgiven it. I’m sure Sawyer will, too.”

  “You don’t get it,” Jen bursts. “Sawyer thinks I’m worse than her dad, who has fucked his way through a parade of girls over the years. And her classmates think I was one of them. Now there’s a video that would seem to support that. She’s mortified. I can’t put her through that.”

  “Colt thinks she’ll get past it.”

  Jen gasps, her skin drains of color. “How do you know about Colt?”

  “I didn’t. Not until today.” I rub my hand over my jaw. This is not going as planned. “I’ve been working at Colt’s all summer. That was my other project. I didn’t know who he was to you until I saw Sawyer there today.”

  “You saw her? How did she look?” Jen’s eyes gloss over.

  “Shocked to see me. Angry.”

  “And Colt?” She sobs. “Is he going to try to keep her from me?”

  “What?” I scoff. “No. He acted pissed at first, but I think that was just to test me.”

  “What?” She hiccups. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  “It does.” I reach for her hand, and this time she lets me take it. “Colt watched me fall in love with you this summer. He saw how confused I was over my feelings and how hard I tried not to have them. And then he saw how happy I was when I finally gave in to those feelings. He wanted to be sure how I felt about you, so he acted all pissed and insulted you, and when I got pissed back, he knew how important you’d become to me. I love you, Jen. And I think you love me, too. Tell me you love me.” I brush a kiss across her lips then wai
t for her to speak.

  “What I feel doesn’t matter.” She sniffs. “I have to do what’s right for Sawyer.”

  “I get that. You know I get that.” I hold her face in my hands, forcing her to look at me. “But you’ve spent the last decade doing everything for Sawyer and nothing for you, same as I’ve done with Wes. We’ve both stayed isolated to protect our kids and to protect ourselves, and I don’t think it’s an accident that when we finally decided to let someone in, we chose each other. Tell me you know that.”

  “I know that,” she whispers.

  “Tell me you love me,” I plead.

  “I can’t.”

  “Because you don’t or because that would make this real? Because it would make leaving impossible?”

  “Because I can’t!” she cries. “I can’t. If I love you, I have to choose. And there is no choice. There’s what I have to do for Sawyer. Nothing else matters.”

  “And you? When do you do something for you?”

  “I don’t. Not while I have her.” She shakes her head.

  My heart feels like it’s dying, crumbling more and more with each beat. “I can’t lose you.” I lean my forehead against hers. “Not when I finally found you. I can’t lose you. I won’t survive it.”

  “You will,” she sobs. “We both will.”

  “I won’t,” I assure her. “I’ll go back to living a shell of a life, just going through the motions, not connecting with anybody.”

  “You have Wes.” She sniffs.

  “For now. He’ll be gone in a year.”

  “If I’m not here to get in the way, you can enjoy that last year with him.” She wipes a stray tear.

  “If you’re not here, I won’t enjoy much of anything. Wes would be better off without me.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “I do, Jen. I’ve been broken before. I know what it’s like. It'll be worse the second time around, when instead of being uncontrollably ripped apart from the person I love, she’s choosing to leave me.”

  “I’m not choosing this,” she sobs. “I told you…”

  “I know what you told me,” I roar. “It doesn’t change the fact that you don’t have to go, but you are.” I take her hands in mine and look deep into her eyes, hoping she can see the truth in them. “You don’t have to run. I know Sawyer is upset. She's projecting Colt’s mistakes onto you. But you aren’t Colt, and we aren’t some sort of casual fuck buddies. We belong together, Jen. I know you know that. We can make that happen.”

  She averts her eyes briefly, and I know she’s weighing my words. I’m not an overly religious man, but it that moment I say a silent prayer for her to stay. Then she looks up, the tears fall, and I know her answer before she says it.

  I want to be pissed, I want her to know what a mistake it is to give up, but the pain in my chest drains me of the will to fight for someone who isn’t willing to fight with me. For me.

  “Goodbye, Jen.” I drop her hands and walk out the door, bracing myself for the emptiness that's coming and wondering how Wes and I will get through it a second time.

  Chapter 24

  Jen

  “Shit,” I swear as my fingertip brushes across the edge of the cardboard box just so, and the skin on my forefinger opens up.

  It’s not the only injury I’ve inflicted on myself by being distracted. In the week since Anthony walked out of my life, I’ve managed to give myself several paper cuts, a few cooking burns, and at least a half dozen bruises from bumping into furniture. After the fifth paper cut, I vowed not to use a knife until my head was on straight, so I’ve managed not to do serious damage thus far, to my limbs anyway. My heart is another story.

  I don’t remember heartbreak being debilitating, but that’s the only way to describe how I feel. I go through the motions of getting things done every day, but more often than not, I get to the end of the day and can’t remember what I’ve done or where the time went. I’ve forgotten to eat more than once; I forgot about wedding planning with Lisa; I even forgot to pick Sawyer up from practice one day, which she insisted on going to so she could make a good impression with her next team. I had hoped her return to practice signaled that the nightmare was over, and there was no risk my dirty little secret would get out. I even let myself start to think that maybe she’d agree moving was an extreme reaction. But she still doesn’t trust me to be near Anthony and not repeat my past mistakes, so the move is still on, and I’m still a shell of myself who can’t seem to do anything right.

  Fortunately, Colt has stepped up, helping with the logistics of chauffeuring Sawyer when I drop the ball. I’m not sure what I’d have done without him this past week, and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. He’s been so unreliable for years, and I was the one who had never neglected my job as a parent. But now I’m more likely to screw up than to get things right, and that terrifies me. Everything I’m doing is to protect and care for Sawyer, but if I’m now the unreliable one, how can I do that?

  It wasn’t like this when Colt and I split. There were never any instances where I felt lost or broken. I didn’t even feel alone, probably because for much of our marriage I was already alone. But when Colt and I split, I knew exactly what I had to do, and I did it. No hesitation, no fear, no memory lapses or indecision or emptiness. But this time, with Anthony, I’m all over the place.

  I hurt constantly. I feel lonely with just Sawyer and me, even though that’s been my life for the last decade and I never once felt alone. I feel an emptiness in my chest. I feel like I’m adrift. I feel sad for what I lost and will never have again. And I feel anger. So much anger. At Colt for hurting Sawyer all these years and forcing me to be the responsible one. At Sawyer for holding a grudge. At me for being so careless. And at Anthony for loving me and making me realize that I love him.

  There was never a question as to whether I love him. I’ve known for a while now, although I didn’t admit it to myself, or to anyone for that matter. Of course I love him. I only hope that by denying him that confirmation his heartbreak will heal. I know, deep down, that my omission probably won’t change things. But when you feel lost and miserable, you grasp at any reason, no matter how naive, to feel better. I hope by withholding my feelings he can at least tell himself I’m not worth getting upset over. Eventually.

  The back door slams shut, and Sawyer walks briskly through the kitchen where I’m attempting to pack dishes. “I’ll be in my room,” she says.

  Great. Still speaking to me without speaking to me, it seems. The door slams again, and I look up to see Colt. “What are you doing here?” I scowl.

  “I wanted to check on you. Good thing, too, because you’re clearly a wreck.”

  “If you’re implying that because I made one mistake I can’t take care of Sawyer, you can just turn around and march right out that door. You will not take her away from me. I don’t need your shit right now.”

  “Whoa.” Colt holds up his hands in surrender. “I’m not here to take Sawyer, and I’m not here to give you shit. I only implied that you look like shit. When was the last time you actually slept? Or showered?”

  “I’m packing, not trying to win a beauty contest. Who cares if I’m dirty?” I drop a handful of utensils into a box.

  “You’re not just dirty. You look like death. You’ve got circles under your eyes, and you look ready to topple over any second. Plus, you’ve got about a half dozen Band-Aids on your hands. I’m worried.”

  “Don’t be. I’ll be fine once we get out of here and away from everything.” I fold the ends of the box I’d cut myself on and tape them shut.

  “It’s not really like you to run.” He eyes me critically.

  “I’m not doing it for me. I’m doing it for Sawyer.”

  “But you said you’d be fine once you’re out of here.”

  “I will. I’ll have a new job, and Sawyer will make new friends, and we’ll start over. No baggage.”

  “I don’t think heartbreak works that way, sweetheart,” he says softly.
<
br />   “Don’t call me sweetheart. And what would you know about heartbreak anyway?”

  “Not much myself,” Colt admits, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I’ve seen it happen to people. It doesn’t just go away because you want it to or because you have a change of scenery.”

  “It did with you.”

  “You weren’t in love with me,” he says matter-of-factly.

  “How can you say that?” I balk. “We were married. We have a child together. Of course I loved you.”

  “You cared about me, sure. Same as I did you. We had chemistry, and we had a lot in common, but that wasn’t love.”

  “If that’s true, it’s only because you didn’t make the effort. But I wouldn’t have married you if I didn’t have feelings for you.” I grab a Sharpie and scrawl “kitchen” on the box.

  “Yeah, Jen, we had feelings for each other. We liked each other. And maybe it could’ve been love if I’d made the effort, which I admit I didn’t. But it wouldn’t have been the same as what you have with Anthony.”

  “That’s awfully presumptuous. You don’t know anything about me and Anthony.” I grab another box and rip the top open.

  “Actually, I do. He’s been working for me all summer, and he talked about you a lot, although I didn’t know until last week it was you he was talking about.”

  “That makes you an expert on us? On love versus just caring for someone?” I snort.

  “Kinda, yeah. See, you and I never really fought for each other, you know? We got pregnant and did what we thought was responsible, but there wasn’t any passion behind that. For a while it worked because we did like each other, and we had some good chemistry. But it wasn’t enough to fight for.” He smiles reassuringly. “But with Anthony, well, he fought his fears to be with you. He was afraid of getting close to you, afraid of what it would mean for him and his kid, and I know for damn sure those same thoughts went through your head, too. You guys fought your own demons for the chance to be together. That’s the kind of thing you keep fighting for.”