Faro Nell and Her Friends: Wolfville Stories

by Alfred Henry Lewis

  V

  HOW THE MOCKING BIRD WAS WON

  "Myst'ries?

  "We lives surrounded by 'em. Look whar you will, nacher has a aceburied. Take dogs, now: Why is it when one of 'em, daylight or dark,cuts the trail of a anamile, he never makes the fool mistake ofback-trackin' it, but is shore to run his game the way it's movin'?There must be some kind of head-an'-tail to the scent, that a-way, togive the dog the hunch. Myst'ry!--all myst'ry! The more a gent goesmessin' 'round for s'lootions, the more he's taught hoomility an' thathe ain't knee-high to toads.

  "An' yet when it comes to things myster'ous everything else is boundto go to the diskyard compared to a lady's heart. Of course, I speaksonly in a sperit of philos'phy, an' not as one who's suffered. I nevermyse'f am able pers'nal to approach closter to a lady's heart thanacross the street. Peets once reemarks that all trails leads to Rome.In that business of trails a lady's heart has got Rome left standin'sideways. Not only does every trail lead tharunto, but thar's sech athing as goin' cross-lots. Take gettin' in love; thar's as many waysas cookin' eggs. While you'll see gents who goes skallyhootin' intothat dulcet condition as straight as a arrer, thar's others who sidlesin, an' still others who backs in. I even knows a boy who shoots hisway in.

  "Which the lady in this case is the Mockin' Bird. That Mockin' Birdmaiden has wooers by onbounded scores, but holds herse'f as shy an' asmuch aloof as if she's a mountain sheep. Not one can get near enoughto her to give her a ripe peach. Along comes the eboolient TurkeyTrack, bulges headlong into her dest'nies, takes to menacin' at herwith a gun an', final, to bombardin' her outright, an'--love an' heartan' hand--she comes a-runnin'.

  "Wolfville's without that last evidence of advancement, a callaboose.It bein' inconvenient to shoot up or lynch everybody who infringes ourrooles, Jack Moore invents a convincin' but innocuous punishment forminor offenders. Endorsed by Enright, he established a watertrough--it's big enough to swim a dog--over by the windmill; an' whensome perfervid cow-puncher, sufferin' from a overdose of nosepaint,takes to aggravatin' 'round Moore swashes him about in the trough someprofoose, ontil he gives his word to live a happier an' a betterlife.

  "It's like magic the way that water trough works. No matter how galasome pronghorn of a cowboy may feel, it shore lets the whey out ofhim. Given the most voylent, it's only a matter of minutes before he'ssoaked into quietood. Enright himse'f says Moore's entitled to amonyooment for the idee.

  "Turkey Track's name is Ford, Tom Ford, but workin' that a-way for theTurkey Track outfit he nacherally gets renamed for the brand. TurkeyTrack an' two boon companions has been goin' to an' fro from the RedLight to the Dance Hall, ontil by virchoo of a over-accumyoolation oflicker they're beginnin' to step some high. Also, they takes toupliftin' their tired souls with yells, an' blazin' away at frootecans with their six-shooters.

  "It gets so that Enright tells Moore to give 'em a call-down.

  "'What them boys does,' says Enright, 'is done harmless an'light-hearted to be shore, an' nothin' radic'lly wrong is eitheraimed at or meant; but all the same, Jack, it's no more'n proodenceto go knock their horns off. It ain't what them yooths is doin', butwhat they may be led to do, which makes the danger. It's like oldDeacon Sopris at the Cumberland Methodist class meetin' says ofkyard-playin'. "It ain't," explains the deacon, "that thar's any harmin the children playin' seven-up around the kitchen table of awinter's evenin' for grains of corn, but seven-up persisted in isshore to lead to dancin'." An' so with these young merry-makers.They'll keep on slamin' away at empty bottles an' former tomatter cansthat a-way, ontil the more seedate element objects, an' somebody getsdowned. Don't you agree with me, Doc?'

  "'Nothin' shorer!' says Peets.

  "Moore corrals Turkey Track an' his fellow revellers, an' tosses off afew fiats.

  "'Quit that whoopin' an' shootin', boys,' says Moore. 'Likewise, keepyour hardware in your belts, as more deecorous. So shore as I finds agun in any of your hands ag'in, I'll shoot it out.'

  "Turkey Track an' his _compadres_ don't say nothin' back. They savvysabout the water trough, an' ain't hungerin' none to have their ardordampened in no sech fashion. So they blinks an' winks like a passel ofsquinch owls, but never onbuckles in no argyooment. All the same, itirks 'em a whole lot, an' after Moore reetires they begins mod'rate toarch their necks an' expand 'round a little.

  "They allows--talkin' among themselves in a quer'lous way--that theyain't hurtin' no one, an' for Moore to come shovin' 'round an'lecturin' on etiquette is a conceited exhibition of authority asoffensive as it is onjest. Thar's doubts, too, about it's bein'constitootional.

  "'Whatever does that jim-crow sp'ile-sport of a marshal mean?' saysTurkey Track. 'It looks like he's not only deefyin' the organic law ofthis country, but puttin' on a heap of dog. Does he reckon this yerecamp's a church?'

  "'I moves we treats them mandates,' says one of the boys, who's arider for the G-bar ranch, 'with merited contempt.'

  "'As how?' asks the third, who belongs with the Four-J brand. 'Youain't so locoed as to s'ggest we-all t'ars person'ly into this JackMoore marshal none I hopes?'

  "'Which you fills me with disgust!' says the other, nettled at theidee of pawin' the onprofit'ble grass 'round Moore; 'but whatever'sthe matter with goin' up to the far end of the street, an' w'irl an'come squanderin' back jest a shootin'?'

  "'Great!' says Turkey Track, applaudin' the scheme. 'Which we-allnacherally shoots up their old prairie dog town, same as if it's aMexican plaza, an' then jogs on to our ranches, all triumphant an'comfortable.'

  "The three rides up to the head of the street, an' then turnsan'--givin' their ponies the steel--comes whizzin' down through thecenter of eevents, yelpin' like Apaches an' lookin' like fireworks.They've got a gun in each hand, an' they shakes the flame an' smokeout of 'em same as three volcanoes on hossback.

  "Moore's standin' in front of the Noo York store, talkin' to Tutt. Asyou-all might imagine, it frets him to the quick to see how littlethem effervescent sperits cares for his injunctions. By way ofrebooke--not wantin' to down 'em outright for what, take it the worstway, ain't nothin' more heen'ous than a impropriety--Moore gets hisartillery to b'ar, an' as they flashes by like comets, opens on theponies. It's hard on the ponies; but it won't do to let them youngroysterers get away with their play. The example'll spread; an',onless checked at the jump, inside of a month thar'd be nothin' but awhoopin' procession of cow-punchers chargin' up an' down thecauseways. Tenderfeet might acquire misgivin's techin' us bein' apeaceful camp, an' the thing op'rate as a blow to trade. It's become acase of either get the boys or get the ponies, an' onder thecircumstances the ponies has the call.

  "Thar's no more artistic gun-player than Moore in town, onless it'sCherokee, an' mebby Doc Peets, who's a heap soon with a derringer. Asthe ponies flash by, Moore's six-shooter barks three times. Two poniesgoes rollin'; the third--it's Turkey Track's--continyoos cavortin'down the street an' out of town. Turkey Track never pulls up nor looksback. The last we sees of him is when he's two miles away, an' aswell rises up behind him an' hides him from view.

  "The G-bar boy, an' him from the Four-J outfit, hits the grass twentyfeet ahead of their ponies, like a roll of blankets chucked out of awagon, an' after bumpin' an' tumblin' along for a rod or so, an' allmighty condoosive to fractures an' dislocations, they flattens outreespective same as a couple of cancelled postage stamps. Shore, thefall jolts the savvy plumb out of 'em.

  "Bein' they're stretched out an' passive, Moore collects 'em an' sops'em up an' down in the water trough for mebby it's fifteen minutes.Which they're reesus'tated an' reeproved at one an' the same time.When them yooths comes to, they're a model to angels. To be shore,their intellects don't shine out at first none like the sun at noon,but continyoos blurred for hours. Even as late as the weddin' ofTurkey Track with the Mockin' Bird--an' that ain't for all of eightweeks--the G-bar boy informs Boggs confidenshul, as they're takin' alittle licker all sociable, that speakin' mental he's as yet a heap ineeclipse.

  "The maiden name of
the Mockin' Bird is Loocinda Gildersleeve, butpop'lar pref'rence allers sticks to her stage title. She's a fav'riteat the Bird Cage Op'ry House, at which nursery of the drammy she'sbeen singin' off an' on for somethin' like three years. She's ashore-enough singer, too, the Mockin' Bird is. None of your yeepin'san' peepin's, none of your mice squeaks an' tea-kettle tones an' cubcoyote yelps. Which she's got a round, meelod'yous bellow like a houndin full cry, an' while she's singin' thar ain't a wolf'll open hismouth within a mile of town. Which them anamiles is plumb abashed, theMockin' Bird outholdin' 'em to that degree.

  "You-all don't hear no sech singin' in the East. Thar ain't room; an'moreover the East's too timid. For myse'f, an' I ain't got no y'earfor music, them top notes of the Mockin' Bird, like the death yell ofa mountain lion, is cap'ble of givin' me the fantods; while the wayshe hands out 'Home, Sweet Home' an' 'Suwannee River,' an' her voicesort o' diggin' down into the soul, sets eemotional sports like Boggsan' Black Jack to sobbin' as though their hearts is broke. She'scertainly a jo-darter of a vocalist--the Mockin' Bird is, an' oncewhen she renders 'Loosiana Loo' an' Boggs's more'n common affected, heoffers to bet yellow chips as high as the ceilin' she can sing thesights off a Colt's .45.

  "'Which I enjoys one of the most mis'rable evenin's of my c'reer,'says Boggs to Faro Nell, when she expresses sympathy at him feelin' socast down. 'I wouldn't have missed it for a small clay farm.'

  "'_Yo tambien_' says Black Jack, who's keepin' Boggs melanchollycompany while he weeps. 'Only I reckons the odd kyard in my own caseis that, before I'm a man an' in some other existence, I used to beone of these yere ornery little fice dogs, which howls every time ithears a pianny. It's some left-over vestiges of that life when I'm adog which sets me to bawlin', that a-way, whenever the Mockin' Birdgirl sings. I experiences pensive sensations, sim'lar to what comestroopin' over a gent, who's libatin' alone, on the heels of the thirddrink.'

  "The Mockin' Bird looks as sweet as she sings. I mentions long agoabout the phil'sophic old stoodent who says, 'They do say love isblind, but I'll be ding-danged if some gents can't see more in theirgirls than I can.' This yere wisdom don't apply none to the Mockin'Bird. Them wooers of hers, to say nothin' of Turkey Track, possessesjestification for becomin' so plumb maudlin'. Lovely? She's as prettyas a cactus flower, or a sunrise on the staked plains.

  "Folks likes her, too. Take that evenin' when a barbarian from overto'ards the Cow Springs cuts loose to disturb the exercises at theBird Cage Op'ry House with a measly fling or two. The public well nighbeefs him. They'd have shore put him over the jump, only Enrightinterferes.

  "It's doorin' the openin' scene, when the actors is camped 'round in ahalf-circle, facin' the fiddlers. Huggins, who manages the Bird Cage,an' who's the only hooman who ever consoomes licker, drink for drink,with Monte, an' lives to tell the tale, is in the middle. Bowin' tothe Mockin' Bird, an' as notice that she's goin' to carol some, heannounces:

  "'The world-reenowned cantatrice, Mam'selle Loocinda Gildersleeve,cel'brated in two hemispheres as the Mockin' Bird of Arizona, will nowsing the ballad wharwith she ravished the y'ears of every crownedhead of Europe, the same bein' that pop'lar air from the op'ry of_Loocretia Borgia_, "Down in the Valley."'

  "At this that oncooth crim'nal from the Cow Springs gets up:

  "'The Mockin' Bird of Arizona which you-all is bluffin' about,' heshouts, 'can't sing more'n a burro, an' used to sling hash in asection house over by Colton.'

  "'Never the less, notwithstandin',' replies Huggins, who's too drunkto feel ruffled, 'Mam'selle Loocinda Gildersleeve, known to all theworld as the Mockin' Bird of Arizona, will now sing "Down in theValley."'

  "Huggins would have let things go at that, but not so the Wolfvillepop'lace. In the cockin' of a winchester they swoops down on that CowSprings outcast like forty hen-hawks on a single quail, an' as Iyeretofore observes, if it ain't for Enright they'd have made himshortly hard to find. You can gamble, the Cow Springs savage neverdoes go out on that limb ag'in.

  "While Turkey Track escapes the water trough, an' makes his getawaythat time all right, the pore pony ain't got by Moore onscathed. Thebullet hits him jest to the r'ar of the saddle-flap, an' out about abrace of miles he stumbles over dead.

  "It's yere eevents begins to fall together like a shock of oats. TheMockin' Bird's been over entrancin' Tucson, an' the reg'lar stage withMonte not preecisely dove-tailin' with her needs, she charters aspeshul buckboard to get back. Thar's a feeble form of hooman groundowl drivin' her, one of these yere parties who's all alkali an' hardluck, an' as deevoid of manly sperit as jack-rabbits onweaned.

  "This yere ground owl party, drivin' for the Mockin' Bird, comesclatterin' along with the buckboard jest as Turkey Track strips thesaddle an' bridle from his deefunct pony. Turkey Track is not withoutexecyootive ability, an' seein' he's afoot an' thirty miles from hishome ranch, he pulls his gun an' sticks up the buckboard plentyprompt. At the mere sight of a weepon the hands of that youngowl-person goes searchin' for stars, an' he's beggin' Turkey Track notto rub him out--him thinkin' it's a reg'lar hold-up. That's all theopp'sition thar is, onless you counts the reemarks of the Mockin'Bird, who becomes both bitter an' bitin' in equal parts, but has nomore effect on Turkey Track--an' him afoot that a-way--than pourin'water on a drowned rat. Shore, a cow-puncher'd fight all day, an' evenface a enraged female, before he'd walk a hour.

  TURKEY TRACK, SEEIN' HE'S AFOOT AN' THIRTY MILES FROM HISHOME RANCH PULLS HIS GUN AN' STICKS UP THE MOCKIN' BIRD'S BUCKBOARD.p. 138.]

  "Turkey Track piles his saddle an' bridle onto the r'ar of thebuckboard, an' settin' in behind on his plunder, commands the groundowl driver to head west till further orders. Likewise, he so faronbends as to say that them orders won't be deecem'nated, nonewhatever, ontil he's landed at the Turkey Track home ranch. Since hebacks this yere programme with his artillery, the ground owl ain't gotnothin' to say, an' it's no time when the outfit's weavin' along aside trail in the sole int'rests of Turkey Track.

  "What's worse, to dispell the ennui of sech a trip, an' drive awaydull care, Turkey Track takes to despotizin' over the Mockin' Birdwith his six-shooter, an' compels her to sing constant throughout themthirty miles. He makes her carrol everythin' from 'Old Hundred' to'Turkey in the Straw,' an' then brings her back to 'Old Hundred' an'starts her over. The pore harassed Mockin' Bird, what with the dust,an' what with Turkey Track tyrannizin' at her with his gun, soundsfinal like an ongreased wheelbarrow which has seen better days. Shedon't get her voice ag'in for mighty clost to a month, an' even then,as she says herse'f, thar's places where the rivets reequirestightenin'.

  "It's pressin' onto eight weeks before ever Turkey Track is heard of'round town ag'in. Also, it's in the Bird Cage Op'ry House he hits thesurface of his times. The Mockin' Bird has jest done drove the vocalpicket-pin of 'Old Kentucky Home,' when, bang! some loonatic shoots ather. Which the bullet bores a hole in the scenery not a foot above herhead.

  "Every one sees by the smoke whar that p'lite attention em'nates from,an' before you could count two, Moore, Boggs, an' Texas Thompson hasconvened themselves on top of that ident'cal spot. Thar sets TurkeyTrack, cryin' like a child.

  "'It's no use, gents,' he sobs, the tears coursin' down his cheeks,'she's so plumb bewitchin', an' I adores her so, I simply has to blazeaway or bust.'

  "While he don't harm the Mockin' Bird none, the sent'ment of theStranglers, when Enright raps 'em to order inform'ly at the Red Lightan' Black Jack has organized the inspiration, favors hangin' TurkeyTrack. Even Texas, who loathes ladies by reason of what's been sawedoff onto him in the way of divorce an' alimony, that a-way, by hisLaredo wife, is yoonan'mous for swingin' him off.

  "'That I don't believe in marryin' 'em,' says Texas, expoundin' hisp'sition concernin' ladies in answer to Boggs who claims he'sinconsistent, 'don't mean I wants 'em killed. But you never was nologician, Dan.'

  "Cherokee's the only gent who's inclined to softer attitoodes, an'that leeniency is born primar'ly of the inflooence of Nell. Nell isplumb romantic, an' w
hen she hears how the Turkey Track's beenenfiladin' at the Mockin' Bird only because he loves her, while shedon't reely know what she does want done with that impossiblecow-puncher, she shore don't want him hanged.

  "'It's sech a interestin' story!' says Nell, an' then capers across toMissis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie to c'llect their feelin's.

  "Moore brings in Turkey Track.

  "'Be you-all tryin' to blink out this yere young lady?' asks Enright,'or is that gun play in the way of applause?'

  "'It's love,' protests Turkey Track, his voice chokin'; 'it's simply acry from the soul. I learns to love her that day on the buckboardwhile I'm lookin' at her red ha'r, red bein' my winnin' color. Gents,you-all won't credit it none, but jest the same them auburn tressesgets wropped about my heart.'

  "'Whatever do you make of it, Doc?' whispers Enright.

  "'This boy,' returns Peets, 'has got himse'f too much on his own mind.He's sufferin' from what the books calls exaggerated ego.'

  "'That's one way of bein' locoed, ain't it?'

  "'Shore. But him bein' twisted mental ain't no reason for not adornin'the windmill with his remains. The only public good a hangin' does isto scare folks up a lot, an' you can scare a loonatic quite as quickan' quite as hard as a gent whose intellects is plumb.'

  "'Thar she stands,' Turkey Track breaks in ag'in, not waitin' for noquestions, 'an' me as far below her as stingin' lizards is from stars!Then, ag'in, when folks down in front is a'plaudin' her, she wavin'at 'em meanwhile the gracious smile, it makes me jealous. Gents, Idon't plan nothin', but the first I knows I lugs out the old .45 an'onhooks it.'

  "The Mockin' Bird has come over from the O. K. House with Nell, MissisRucker an' Tucson Jennie. As she hears Turkey Track's confession twodrops shows in her eyes like diamonds. Clutchin' hold of Nell, an'with Missis Rucker an' Tucson Jennie flockin' along in the r'ar, sherushes out the front door.

  "This manoover leaves us some upset, ontil Nell returns to explain.

  "'She's overcome by them disclosures,' says Nell, 'an' goes outside toblush.'

  "'The ontoward breaks of that songstress,' observes Enright oneasily,'has a tendency to confoose the issue, an' put this committee in thehole.'

  "'Thar's nothin' confoosin' about it, Sam Enright.' It's Missis Ruckerwho breaks out high an' threatenin', she havin' come back with Nell.'This yere Mockin' Bird girl's in love with that gun-playin' cowboy,an' it's only now she finds it out. Do you-all murderers still insiston hangin' this yere boy, or be you willin' to see 'em wed an' livehappy ever after?'

  "'Let's rope up a divine some'ers,' exclaims Boggs, 'an' have 'emmarried. If that Mockin' Bird girl wants Turkey Track she shall shorehave him. I'd give her his empty head on a charger, if she asks it,same as that party in holy writ, she singin' "Suwannee River" like shedoes.'

  "Cherokee, who's more or less rooled by Nell, thinks a weddin' theproper step, an' Tutt, who sees somethin' in Tucson Jennie's eye,declar's himse'f some hasty.

  "Even Texas backs the play.

  "'But make no mistake,' says Texas; 'I insists on wedlock overlynchin' only because it's worse.'

  "'Which it's as well, Sam Enright,' observes Missis Rucker, blowin'through her nose mighty warlike, 'that you an' your marauders hassense enough to see your way through to that deecision. Which if you'dfailed, I'd have took this Turkey Track boy away from you-all with myown hands. This Vig'lance Committee needn't think it's goin' to do asit pleases 'round yere--hangin' folks for bein' in love, an' closin'its y'ears to the moans of a bleedin' heart.'

  "'My dear ma'am,' says Enright, his manner mollifyin'; 'I sees nothin'to discuss. The committee surrenders this culprit into the hands ofyou-all ladies, an' what more is thar to say?'

  "'Thar's this more to say,' an' Missis Rucker's that earnest her mouthsnaps like a trap. 'You an' your gang, settin' round like a passel ofbadgers, don't want to get it into your heads that you're goin' to runrough-shod over me. When I gets ready to have my way in this outfit,the prairie dog that stands in my path'll shore wish he'd never beenborn.'

  "Enright don't say nothin' back, an' the balance of us maintainin' adignified silence, Missis Rucker, after a look all 'round, withdraws,takin' with her Tucson Jennie an' Nell, Turkey Track in their midst.

  "'Gents,' observes Enright, when they're shore departed, an' speakin'up deecisive, 'ways must be deevised to 'liminate the feminine elementfrom these yere meetin's. I says this before, but the idee don't seemto take no root. Thar's nothin' lovelier than woman, but by virchooof her symp'thies she's oncap'ble of exact jestice. Her feelin's leadher, an' her heart's above her head. For which reasons, while Iwouldn't favor nothin' so ondignified as hidin' out, I s'ggests thatwe be yereafter more circumspect, not to say surreptitious, in ourdeelib'rations.'

  "Shore, they're married. The cer'mony comes off in the O. K. House,an' folks flocks in from as far away as Deming.

  "'If you was a chemist, Sam,' says Peets, tryin' to eloocidate whathappens when the Mockin' Bird learns she's heart-hungry that a-way forTurkey Track, 'you'd onderstand. It's as though her love's held ins'lootion, an' the jar of Turkey Track's gun preecip'tates it.'

  "'Mebby so,' returns Enright; 'but as a play, this thing's got mefacin' back'ards. Thar's many schemes to win a lady, but this yere'sthe earliest instance when a gent shoots his way into her arms.'

  "'Well,' returns Peets, 'you know the old adage--to which of coursethar's exceptions.' Yere he glances over at Missis Rucker. 'It runs:

  "A woman, a spaniel an' a walnut tree, The more you beat 'em the better they be."

  "Boggs has been congratchoolatin' Turkey Track, an' kissin' the bride.Texas, as somber as a spade flush, draws Boggs into a corner.

  "'That Turkey Track,' says Texas, 'considers this a whipsaw. He misseshangin', an' he gets the lady. He feels like he wins both ways. Wait!Dan, it won't be two years when he'll discover that, compar'd tomarriage, hangin' that a-way ain't nothin' more'n a technical'ty.'"