Faro Nell and Her Friends: Wolfville Stories

by Alfred Henry Lewis

  VI

  THAT WOLFVILLE-RED DOG FOURTH

  "By nacher I'm a patriot, cradle born and cradle bred; my Americanism,second to none except that of wolves an' rattlesnakes an' Injuns an'sim'lar cattle, comes in the front door an' down the middle aisle; an'yet, son, I'm free to reemark that thar's one day in the year, an'sometimes two, when I shore reegrets our independence, an' wishes tharhad been no Yorktown an' never no Bunker Hill."

  The old cattleman tasted his glass with an air weary to the borders ofdejection; after which he took a pathetic puff at his pipe. I knewwhat had gone wrong. This was the Fifth of July. We had just surviveda Fourth of unusual explosiveness, and the row and racket thereof hadworn threadbare the old gentleman's nerves.

  "Yes, sir," he continued, shoving a 'possum-colored lock back from hisbrow, "as I suffers through one of them calamities miscalledcel'brations, endoorin' the slang-whangin' of the orators an' bracin'myse'f ag'inst the slam-bangin' of the guns, to say nothin' of thefirecrackers an' kindred Chinese contraptions, I a'preeciates thefeelin's of that Horace Walpole person Colonel Sterett quotes in his_Daily Coyote_ as sayin', 'I could love my country, if it ain't for mycountrymen.'

  "Still, comin' down to the turn, I reckon it merely means, when all isin, that I'm gettin' too plumb old for comfort. It's five years nowsince I dare look in the glass, for fear I'd be tempted to count theannyooal wrinkles on my horns.

  "It's mighty queer about folks. Speakin' of cel'brations, forthousands of years the only way folks has of expressin' any feelin' ofcommoonal joy, that a-way, is to cut loose in limitless an' onmeanin'uproar. Also, their only notion of a public fest'val is for one halfof the outfit to prance down the middle of the street, while the otherhalf banks itse'f ag'inst the ediotic curb an' looks at 'em.

  "People in the herd ain't got no intelligence. We speaks of the loweranamiles as though we just has it on 'em completely in the matter ofintelligence, but for myse'f I ain't so shore. The biggest fool of amule-eared deer savvys enough to go feedin' up the wind, makin' so tospeak a skirmish line of its nose to feel out ambushes. Any old bullelk possesses s'fficient wisdom to walk in a half-mile circle, as aconcloodin' act before reetirin' for the night, so that with himasleep in the center, even if the wind does shift, his nose'll stillget ample notice of whatever man or wolf may take to followin' histrail.

  "That's what them 'lower anamiles' does. An' now I asks, what man,goin' about his numbskull dest'nies, lookin' as plumb wise as atoo-whoo owl at noon, ever shows gumption equal to keepin' theconstant wind in his face, or has the sense to go walkin' roundhimse'f as he rolls into his blankets, same as that proodent elk?After all, I takes it that these yere Fo'th of Jooly upheavals is onlyone among the ten thousand fashions in which hoomanity eternallyonbuckles in expressin' its imbecil'ty.

  "Which I certainly do get a heap disgusted at times with the wildbeast called man. With all his bluffs about bein' so mighty sagacious,I can sit yere an' see that, speakin' mental, he ain't better than aneven break with turkey gobblers. Even what he calls his science turnsfinally out with him to be but the accepted ignorance of to-day; an'he puts in every to-morrow of his existence provin' what a onboundedjackass rabbit he's been the day before. It's otherwise with themlower anamiles; what they knows they knows."

  Plainly, something had to be done to fortify my old friend. I fellback, quite as a matter of course, upon that first aid to the injured,another drink, and motioned the black waiter to the rescue. It did myold friend good, that drink, the first fruits of which easier if notbetter condition being certain fresh accusations against himself.

  "The trooth is, I'm a whole lot onused to these yere Fo'th of Joolyoutbursts; an' so I ondoubted suffers from 'em more keenly, thata-way, than the av'rage gent. You see we never has none of 'em inWolfville; leastwise we never does but once. On that single festiveoccasion we shore stubs our toe some plentiful, stubs it to thatdegree, in fact, that we never feels moved to buck the game ag'in.Once is enough for Wolfville.

  "Which it's the single failure that stains the fame of the camp. Atthat, the flat-out reely belongs to Red Dog; or at least to PeteBland, for which misguided party the Red Dogs freely acknowledgesreespons'bility as belongin' to their outfit.

  "This yere Bland's dead now an' deep onder the doomsday sods. Also, hedied drinkin' like he'd lived.

  "'What's the malady?' Enright asks Peets, when the Doc comes trackin'back, after seein' the finish of Bland.

  "'No malady at all, Sam,' says Peets, plumb cheerful an' frisky, sameas them case-hardened drug folks allers is when some other sportpasses in his checks--'no malady whatsoever. His jag simply stops oncenters, as a railroad gent'd say, an' I'm onable to start it ag'in.'

  "Was Peets any good as a med'cine man? Son, I'm shocked! Peets ispackin' 'round in his professional warbags the dipplomies of twentycolleges, an' is onchallenged besides as the best eddicated sharppersonal on the sunset side of the Mississippi. You bet, heonderstands the difference at least between bread pills an' buckshot,which is a heap sight further than some of these yere drug folks everstudies.

  "Colonel Sterett, who's fa'rly careful about what he says, reefers toPeets in his _Daily Coyote_ as a 'intellectchooal giant,' an' tharain't no record of any scoffer comin' squanderin' along to contradict.Mebby you'll say that the omission to do so is doo to the f'rociousattitoode of the _Daily Coyote_ itse'f, techin' contradictions, an'p'int to how that imprint keeps standin' at the head of its editorialcolumns as a motto, the cynicism:

  "'Contradict the _Coyote_ and avoid old age!'

  "Thar'd be nothin' in it if you do. That motto's only one of ColonelSterett's bluffs, one of his witticisms that a-way. You don't reckonthat, in a sparsely settled country, whar the pop'lation is few an'far between, the Colonel's goin' to go bumpin' off a subscriber overmebby a mere difference of opinion? The Colonel ain't quite thatlocoed."

  "But about your Wolfville-Red Dog Fourth of July celebration?" Iurged.

  "Which I'm in no temper to tell a story--me settin' yere with everynerve as tight as a banjo catgut jest before it snaps. To reelateyarns your mood ought to be the mood of the racontoor--a mood as richan' rank an' upstandin' as a field of wheat, ready to billow an' bendbefore every gale of fancy. The way yesterday leaves me, whatever taleI ondertakes to reecount would about come out of my mouth as stiff an'short an' brittle as chopped hay. Also, as tasteless. Better let it gotill some other an' more mellow evenin'."

  No; I was ready to accept the chances, and said as much. A chopped-haystyle, for a change, might be found acceptable. Supplementing thedeclaration with renewed Old Jordan, I was so far victorious that myaged man of cattle yielded.

  "Well, then," he began reluctantly, "I'm onable to partic'larly saywhich gent does make the orig'nal s'ggestion, but my belief is it'sPeets. I'm shore, however, that the Cornwallis idee comes from Bland;an', since it's not only at that Cornwallis angle we-all fallspublicly down, but the same is primar'ly doo to the besotted obstinacyof this yere Bland himse'f, Wolfville, while ever proudly willin' tob'ar whatever blame's sawed off on to her shoulders proper, is alwaysconvinced that Red Dog an' not us is to be held accountable. However,Bland's gone an' paid what the sky scouts speaks of as the debt tonacher, an' I'm willin' to confess for one that when he's sober heain't so bad. Not that them fits of sobriety is either so freequent orso protracted they takes on any color of monotony.

  "Bland's baptismal name is Pete, an' in his way he's a leadin'inflooence in Red Dog. He's owner of the 7-bar-D outfit, y'earmark aswallow-fork in both y'ears--which brands seventeen hundred calveseach spring round-up; an' is moreover proprietor of the Abe LincolnHotel, the same bein' Red Dog's principal beanery. Bland don't have tokeep this yere tavern none, but it arranges so he sees his friends an'gets their _dinero_ at one an' the same time, which as combinin'business an' pleasure in equal degrees appeals to him a heap.

  "Which it's the gen'ral voice that the best thing about Bland is hiswife. She's shore loyal to Bland, you bet! When they're livin' inPrescott, an' a comm
ittee of three from one of them 'Purification OfThe Home' societies comes trapesin' in, to tell her about Bland bein'ondooly interested in a exyooberant young soobrette who's singin' atthe theayter, an' spendin' his money on her mighty permiscus, MissisBland listens plenty ca'm ontil they're plumb through. Then she handsthem Purifiers this:

  "'Well, ladies, I'd a heap sooner have a husband who can take keer oftwo women than a husband who can't take keer of one.'

  "After which she comes down on that Purification bunch like a fallin'star, an' brooms 'em out of the house. Accordin' to eye witnesses, whospeaks without prejewdyce, she certainly does dust their bunnetsstrenuous.

  "When Bland hears he pats Missis Bland on the shoulder, an' exclaims,'Thar's my troo-bloo old Betsy Jane! She knows I wouldn't trade a lookfrom them faded old gray eyes of hers for all the soobretts whoeverpulls a frock on over their heads!'

  "Followin' which encomium Bland sends to San Francisco an' changes inthe money from five hundred steers for an outfit of diamonds, to go'round her neck, an' preesents 'em to Missis Bland.

  "'Thar,' he says, danglin' them gewgaws in the sun, 'you don't noticeno actresses flittin' about the scene arrayed like that, do you? Ifso, p'int out them over-bedecked females, an' I'll see all they've goton an' go 'em five thousand better, if it calls for every 7-bar-Dsteer on the range.'

  "'Pete,' says Missis Bland, clampin' on to the jooelry with one hand,an' slidin' the other about his neck, 'you certainly are the kindestsoul who ever makes a moccasin track in Arizona, besides bein' a goodprovider.'

  "Shore, this yere Bland ain't so plumb bad.

  "An' after a fashion, too, he's able to give excooses. Talkin' toPeets, he lays his rather light an' frisky habits to him bein' apreacher's son.

  "'Which you never, Doc,' he says, 'meets up with the son an' heir of apulpiteer that a-way, who ain't pullin' on the moral bit, an' tryin'for a runaway.'

  "'At any rate, Pete,' the Doc replies, all cautious an' conservative,'I will say that if you're lookin' for some party who'll every day besteady an' law abidin', not to say seedate, you'll be a heap morelikely to find him by searchin' about among the progeny of some partywho's been lynched.'

  "Recurrin' again to that miserabul Fo'th of Jooly play we cuts loosein, it's that evenin' when we invites Red Dog over in a body to he'pconsoome the left-over stock of lickers in the former Votes For WomenS'loon, an' nacherally thar's some drinkin'. As is not infrequent wharthar's drinkin', views is expressed an' prop'sitions made. It's thenwe takes up the business of havin' that cel'bration.

  "Peets makes a speech, I recalls, an' after dilatin' 'round to theeffect that Fo'th of Jooly ain't but two weeks ahead, allows that it'dbe in patriotic line for us to do somethin'.

  "'Conj'intly,' says Peets, 'Red Dog an' Wolfville, movin' togetherwith one proud purpose of patriotism, ought to put over quite a show.As commoonities we're no longer in the swaddlin' clothes of infancy.It's time, too, that we goes on record as a whole public in somemanner an' form best calk'lated to make a somnolent East set up an'notice us.'

  "Peets continyoos in a sim'lar vein, an' speaks of the settlement ofthe Southwest, wharin we b'ars our part, as a 'Exodus without aprophet, a croosade without a cross,' which sent'ment he confesses hetakes from a lit'rary sport, but no less troo for that. He closes bysayin' that if everybody feels like he does Wolfville an' Red Dog'llj'ine in layin' out a program, that a-way, which'll shore spread theglorious trooth from coast to coast that we-all is on the map tostay.

  "It's a credit to both outfits, how yoonanimously the s'ggestion istook up. Which I never does see a public go all one way so plumbquick, an' with so little struggle, since B'ar Creek Stanton islynched; which act of jestice even has the absoloote endorsement ofB'ar Creek himse'f.

  "Peets is no sooner done talkin' than Tutt stacks in.

  "'Thar's our six-shooters,' says he, 'for the foosilade; an', as formoosic, sech as "Columbia the Gem" an' the "Star Spangled Banner," wecan round up them Dutchmen, who's the orchestra over at the Bird CageOp'ry House.'

  "The talk rambles on, one word borryin' another, ontil we outlinesquite a game. Thar's to be a procession between Wolfville an' RedDog, an' back ag'in, Faro Nell leadin' the same on a _pinto_ pony asthe Goddess of Liberty.

  "'An' that reeminds me,' submits Cherokee, when we reaches Nell;'thar's Missis Rucker. It's goin' to hurt her feelin's to be left out.As the preesidin' genius of the O. K. Restauraw she's in shape to giveus a racket we'll despise in eevent she gets her back up.'

  "'How about lettin' her in on the play,' says Boggs, 'an' typ'fyin'Jestice, that a-way?'

  "'Thar's a idee, Dan,' says Texas Thompson, 'which plugs the center, areecommendation which does you proud! Down in that Laredo Co't Housewhar my wife wins out her divorce that time, thar's a figger ofJestice painted on the wall. Shore, it don't mean nothin'; but all thesame it's thar, dressed in white, that a-way, with eyes bandaged, an'packin' a sword in one hand an' holdin' aloft some balances int'other. Come to think of it, too, that picture shore looks a lot likeMissis Rucker in the face, bein' plumb haughty an' commandin'.'

  "'Missis Rucker not bein' yere none,' says Enright softly, an'peerin' about some cautious, 'I submits that while no more esteemablelady ever tosses a flapjack or fries salt-hoss in a pan, her figger ismebby jest a trifle too abundant. As Jestice, she'll nacherally bearrayed--as Texas says--in white, same as Nell as the Goddess. I don'twant to seem technicle, but white augments the size of folks an' willmake the lady in question look bigger'n a load of hay.'

  "'Even so,' reemarks the Red Dog chief indulgently, 'would that ofitse'f, I asks, be reckoned any setback? The lady will person'fyJestice; an' as sech I submits she can't look none too big.'

  "In compliment to the Red Dog chief Enright, with a p'lite flourish,allows that he yields his objection with pleasure, an' Missis Ruckeris put down for Jestice. It's agreed likewise to borry a coach fromthe stage company for her to ride on top.

  "'Her bein' preeclooded,' explains Peets, 'from ridin' a hoss thata-way, as entirely ondignified if not onsafe. We can rig her up athrone with one of the big splint-bottom cha'rs from the Red Light,an' wrop the same in the American flag so's to make it lookoffishul.'

  "Tucson Jennie, with little Enright Peets as the Hope of the Republic,is to ride inside the coach.

  "Havin' got this far, Pete Bland submits that a tellin' number wouldbe a sham battle, Red Dog ag'in Wolfville.

  "Thar's opp'sition developed to this. Both Enright an' the Red Dogchief, as leaders of pop'lar feelin', is afraid that some sport'llforget that it ain't on the level, an' take to over-actin' his part.

  "As the Red Dog chief expresses it:

  "'Some gent might be so far carried away by enthoosiasm as to go toshootin' low, an' some other gent get creased.'

  "'The same bein' my notion exact,' Enright chips in. 'Of course, thegent who thus shoots low would ondenyably do so onintentional; butwhat good would that do the party who's been winged, an' who mightn'tlive long enough to receive apol'gies?'

  "'That's whatever!' says Jack Moore. 'A sham battle's too plumb apt toprove a snare. The more, since everybody's so onused to 'em 'roundyere. A gent, by keepin' his mind firm fixed, might manage to missonce or twice; but soon or late he'd become preoccupied, an' bust someof the opp'sition before he could ketch himse'f.'

  "Bland, seein' opinion's ag'inst a sham battle, withdraws the motion,an' does it plenty graceful for a gent who's onable to stand.

  "'Enough said,' he remarks, wavin' a acquiescent paw. 'Ante, an' passthe buck.'

  "The Lightnin' Bug, speakin' from the Red Dog side, insists that inthe reg'lar course of things thar's bound to be oratory. In thatconnection he mentions a sharp who lives in Phoenix.

  "'Which I'm shore,' says the Bug, 'he'd be gladly willin' to assist;an' you hear me he's got a tongue of fire! Some of you-all sports musthave crossed up with him--Jedge Beebe of Phoenix?'

  "'Jedge Beebe?' interjecks Monte, who's given a hostler his proxy totake out the stage because of thar
bein' onlimited licker; 'me an' theJedge stands drinkin' together for hours the last time he's in Tucson.But you're plumb wrong, Bug, about him bein' eloquent.'

  "'Wrong?' the Bug repeats, mighty indignant.

  "'Of course,' says Monte, rememberin' how easy heated the Bug is, an'that he looks on six-shooters as argyooments, 'I don't mean he can'ttalk none; only he ain't what the Doc yere calls no Demosthenes.'

  "'Did you ever hear the Jedge talk?' demands the Bug.

  "'Which I shore does,' insists Monte; 'I listens to him for two hoursthat time in Tucson. It's when they opens the Broadway Dance Hall.'

  "'Whatever is his subject?' asks the Bug, layin' for to ketch Monte;'what's the Jedge talkin' about?'

  "'I don't know,' says Monte, wropped in his usual mantle ofwhiskey-soaked innocence; 'he didn't say.'

  "The Bug's eyes comes together in a angry focus; he thinks he's bein'made game of.

  "Tharupon Enright cuts in.

  "'Bug,' he says, all sociable an' suave, 'you mustn't mind Monte. He'sso misconstructed that followin' the twenty-fifth drink he goes abouttakin' his ignorance for information. No one doubts but you're a heapbetter jedge than him of eloquence, an' everything else exceptnosepaint. S'ppose you consider yourse'f a committee to act for thecon'jint camps, an' invite this yere joorist to be present as oratorof the day.'

  "The Bug's brow cl'ars at this, an' he asshores Enright that he'll beproud to act as sech.

  "'An', gents,' he adds, 'if you says he ain't got Patrick Henry beatto a standstill, may I never hold as good as aces-up ag'in.'

  "The Red Dog chief announces that all hands must attend a free-for-allbanquet which, inflooenced by the tenth drink, he then an' thardecides to give at Bland's Abe Lincoln House.

  "'Said banquet,' he explains, 'bein' in the nacher of a lunch to beheld at high noon. If the dinin' room of the Abe Lincoln House ain'tspacious enough, an I'll say right yere it ain't, we'll teetotaciouslyset them tables in the street. That's my style! I wants everybody, barMexicans, to be present. When I gives a blow-out, I goes fo'th intothe highways an' byways, an' asks the halt an' the lame an' theblind, like the good book says. Also, no gent need go prowlin' 'roundfor no weddin' garments wharin to come. Which he's welcome to show upin goat-skin laiggin's, or appear wropped in the drippin' an'offensive pelt of a wet dog.'

  "The Red Dog chief, lest some of us is sens'tive, goes on to add thatno gent is to regyard them cracks about the halt an' the lame an' theblind as aimed at Wolfville. He allows he ain't that invidious, an' inwhat he says is merely out to be both euphonious an' explicit, thata-way, at one an' the same time.

  "To which Enright reesponds that no offence is took, an' asshores theRed Dog chief that Wolfville will attend the banquet all spraddledout.

  "More licker, followed by gen'ral congratulations.

  "Bland ag'in comes surgin' to the fore. This time he thinks that as amain feachure it would be a highly effective racket to reenact thesurrender of Cornwallis to Washington.

  "Tutt goes weavin' across to shake his hand.

  "'Some folks allows, Pete,' says Tutt, 'that you're as whiskey-soakedan old fool as Monte. But not me, Pete, not your old pard, Dave Tutt!An' you hear me, Pete, that idee about Cornwallis givin' up his swordto Washington dem'nstrates it.'

  "'You bet your life it does!' says Bland.

  "'But is this yere surrender feasible?' asks Texas. 'Which, at firstblink, it seems some cumbrous to me.'

  "'It's as easy as turnin' jack,' declar's Tutt, takin' the play awayfrom Bland. 'I've seen it done.'

  "'As when an' whar?' puts in Cherokee.

  "'Thar's a time,' says Tutt--'it's way back--when I sets into a littlepoker game over in El Paso, table stakes she is, an' cleans up forabout $10,000. For mebby a week I goes 'round thinkin' that $10,000 isa million; an' after that I simply _knows_ it is. These yereonnacheral riches onhinges me to a p'int whar I deecides I'll visitChicago an' Noo York, as calk'lated to broaden me.'

  "'Noo York!--Chicago!' interrupts the Bug. 'I once deescends upon themhamlets, an' I encounters this yere strikin' difference. In Chicagothey wouldn't let me spend a dollar, while in Noo York they wouldn'tlet anybody else spend one.'

  "'It's otherwise with me,' goes on Tutt, 'because for a wind-up Idon't see neither. I'm young then, d' you see, an' affected by yoothan' wealth I takes to licker, with the result that I goes pervadin' upan' down the train, insistin' on becomin' person'ly known to thepassengers.'

  "'An' nacherally you gets put off,' says Boggs.

  "'Not exactly, neither. Only the conductor, assisted by a bevy ofbrakemen, lays the thing before me in sech a convincin' shape that Igets off of my own accord. It seems that to be agree'ble, I proposeswedlock to a middle-aged schoolmarm, who allows that she sees noobjection except I'm a perfect stranger. She says it ain't beencustomary with her much to go weddin' strangers that a-way, but ifI'll get myse'f reg'larly introdooced, an' then give her a day or soto become used to my looks, she'll go me. It's then the conductordraws me aside, an' says, "I've a son about your age, my eboolientyoung sport, which is why I takes your part. My theery is that if yousticks aboard this train ontil we reaches Rock Island, you'll neverleave that village a single man."

  "'This sobers me,' Tutt continyoos, 'an' I hides in the baggage kyarontil we reaches a camp called Sedalia, whar I quietly makes myescape. I'm that reelieved I gives the cabman $20 to let me drive, an'then starts in to wake things up. Which I shore wakes 'em! I comesdown the main street like the breath of destiny; an', say, you oughtto see them Missourians climb trees, an' gen'rally break for cover! Itcosts me $50; an' the jedge gives me his word that, only it's theFo'th of Jooly, he'd have handed me two weeks in the calaboose. Iclinks down the fifty _pesos_ some grateful, an' goes bulgin' forth towitness the cer'monies. She's a jo-darter, that Sedalia cel'brationis! As Pete yere recommends, they pulls off the surrender ofCornwallis on the Fair grounds. Also, it's plumb easy. All you needsis mebby a couple of hundred folks on hosses, an' after that therest's like rollin' off a log.'

  "More is said as the drink goes round, an' Cornwallis surrenderin'to Washington takes hold of our imaginations. We throws dice,an' settles it that Red Dog'll be the English, with Bland asCornwallis, while Wolfville acts as the Americans, Boggs to performas Washington--Boggs bein' six foot an' some inches, besides aswide as a door. By the time we gets the stock of the Votes forWomen S'loon fully drinked up everything's arranged.

  "Onless you sees no objections, son, I'll gallop through the balanceof this yere painful eepisode. The day comes round, bright an'cl'ar, an' the Copper Queen people gen'rously starts the balla-rollin' by explodin' thirteen cans of powder, one for each ofthe orig'nal states. Then the procession forms, Nell in front as theGoddess. Thar's full two hundred of us, Wolfville an' Red Dog, onponies. As to Missis Rucker, she's on top of the coach as Jestice,Tucson Jennie--with little Enright Peets lookin' like a young hecherub--inside, an' Monte pullin' the reins over the six hosses.We makes four trips between Wolfville an' Red Dog, crackin' offour good old '45s at irreg'lar intervals, Nell on her calico pony asthe Goddess bustin' away with the rest.

  "Little Enright Peets wants in on the pistol shootin', an' howls jes'like a coyote--as children will--ontil Boggs, who foresees it an'comes provided, gives him a baby pistol, a box of blank cartridges,an' exhorts him to cut loose. Which little Enright Peets shore cutsloose, all right; an', except that he sets fire to the coach a fewtimes, an' makes Missis Rucker oneasy up on top--her fearin' thatmebby some of them blanks has bullets in 'em by mistake--he has aperfectly splendid time.

  "The procession over, we eats up the Red Dog chief's banquet, wharatevery brand of airtights is introdooced. That done, we listens toJedge Beebe, who soars an' sails an' sails an' soars, rhetorical, formebby it's a hour, an' is that eloquent an' elevated he never hitsnothin' but the highest places.

  "The Red Dog chief makes a speech, an' proposes 'Wolfville'; to whichPeets--by Enright's request--reesponds, an' offers 'Red Dog.' It'sbottoms up to both sentiments
; for thar's no negligence about thedrinks, Black Jack havin' capered fraternally over to he'p out hisoverworked barkeep brother of the Red Dog Tub of Blood.

  "When no one wants to further drink or eat or talk, we reepa'rs to alevel place between the two camps to go through the Cornwallis'surrender. The rival forces is arrayed opp'site, Cornwallis Bland in ared coat, an' Washington Boggs in bloo an' buff, accordin' to theteachin's of hist'ry. Both of 'em has sabers donated from the Fort.

  "When all's ready Washington Boggs an' Cornwallis Bland rides out infront ontil they're in easy speakin' distance. Cornwallis Bland's beenover-drinkin' some, an' is w'arin' a mighty deefiant look.

  "After a spell, nothin' bein' spoke on either side, Washington Boggscalls out:

  "'Is this yere Gen'ral Cornwallis?'

  "'Who you talkin' to?' demands Cornwallis Bland, a heap contemptuousan' insolent.

  "Peets has done writ out words for 'em to say, but neither uses 'em.Observin' how Cornwallis Bland conducts himse'f, Washington Boggswaves his sword plenty vehement, which makes his pony cavort an'buckjump, an' roars:

  "'Don't you try to play nothin' on me, Gen'ral Cornwallis. Do you ordo you not surrender your mis'rable blade?'

  "'Surrender nothin'!' Cornwallis Bland sneers back, meanwhile reelin'in his saddle. 'Thar's never the horned-toad clanks a spur in CochiseCounty can make me surrender. Likewise, don't you-all go wavin' thatfool weepon at me none. I don't valyoo it more'n if it's a puddin'stick. Which I've got one of 'em myse'f'--yere he'd have lopped offone of his pony's y'ears, only it's so dull--'an' I wouldn't give itto a yellow pup to play with.'

  "'For the last time, Cornwallis,' says Washington Boggs, face aflamewith rage, 'I commands you to surrender.'

  "'Don't let him bluff you, Pete,' yells a bumptious young cow-puncherwho belongs on the Red Dog-English side. 'Which we can wipe up theplains with that Wolfville outfit.'

  "The Red Dog chief bats the young trouble-makin' cow-puncher over thehead with his gun, an' quietly motions to the Lightnin' Bug an' afellow Red Dog to pack what reemains of him to the r'ar. This done, heturns to reemonstrate with Cornwallis Bland for his obstinancy. He'stoo late. Washington Boggs, who's stood all he will, drives the spursinto his pony, an' next with a bound an' a rush, he hits CornwallisBland an' his charger full chisle.

  "The pony of Cornwallis Bland fa'rly swaps ends with itse'f, an'Cornwallis would have swapped ends with it, too, only Washington Boggscollars an' hefts him out of his saddle.

  "'Now, you onwashed drunkard, will you surrender?' roars WashingtonBoggs, shakin' Cornwallis Bland like a dog does a rat, ontil thatBritish leader drops all of his hardware, incloosive of hispistol--'now will you surrender, or must I break your back across yourown pony, as showin' you the error of your ways?'

  "It looks like thar's goin' to be a hostile comminglin' of all hands,when--her ha'r streamin' behind her same as if she's a comet--MissisBland comes chargin' up.

  "'Yere, you drunken villyun!' she screams to Boggs, 'give me myhusband this instant, onless you wants me to t'ar your eyes out!'

  "'It's him who's to blame, ma'am,' says Enright mildly, comin' toBoggs' rescoo; 'which he won't surrender.'

  "'Oh, he won't, won't he?' says Missis Bland, as she hooks ontoCornwallis Bland. 'You bet he'll surrender to me all right, or I'llknow why.'

  "As the Red Dog chief is apol'gizin' to Enright, who's tellin' him notto mind, Cornwallis Bland is bein' half shoved an' half drug, not tomention wholly yanked, towards the Abe Lincoln House by Missis Bland.

  "That's the end. This yere ontoward finale to our cel'bration getswide-flung notice in print, an' instead of bein' a boost, as we-allhopes, Wolfville an' Red Dog becomes a jest an' jeer. Also, while itdon't sour the friendly relations of the two camps, the simple mentionof Fo'th of Jooly leaves a bitter taste in the Wolfville-Red Dog mouthever since."