Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  Heat rose to her face as she caught his eye. The amusement left his eyes, leaving behind what Maya could only guess was longing. She cleared her throat. “This coffee is incredible.” She took another sip. “I’ve never had...the orange taste...with coffee...” It was impossible to look at him and speak at the same time. She brushed her upper lip with the back of her hand. Was it warm in here?

  “Hmm-mmm.” Sam sipped again and Maya became mesmerized with the way his lips gently touched the mug. His molten-brown gaze never left her face. “They get it specially made.”

  The heat continued to rise up her neck, but now it started to spread throughout her body. She nervously crossed her legs and the robe fell open, revealing her leg almost to the hip. She hastily uncrossed her legs and readjusted the robe, but was forced to lean forward and caught Sam staring at her, frozen again. He swallowed hard. Maya tensed and automatically sat back up again.

  More silence.

  Sam finished his coffee. Maya watched his hand shake slightly as he placed his cup on the table between them.

  “The candles were a nice touch.” Her voice cracked. “Very romantic.”

  He leaned forward and placed his elbows on his knees, while he covered his face with unsteady hands and inhaled all the way down to his toes, holding his breath for just a beat, before finally dropping his hands and emerging. He let out a quiet chuckle.

  “Maya.” Sam’s deep, smooth voice was soft and familiar. He leaned toward her and touched her hand. She stiffened. “It’s okay.” He hesitated for a fraction of a second before putting his fingers under her chin, lifting her face. This close to him, Maya was enveloped in the aroma of coffee mingled with his soap. She was able to appreciate the smoothness of his skin where he had recently shaved, as well as the welcome roughness from callouses where his fingers touched her chin. “Dave tells me there’s excellent hiking here. Get—” he cleared his throat “—dressed. We can check it out.”

  Maya stared at him. There was amusement and understanding in everything about him. From the warmth of his eyes, to the crookedness of his smile; from the strength in his jaw, to the words he was saying. Everything about him shouted that he loved her. Even his hand under her chin was gentle and strong, but not demanding. He had been saying it, but she hadn’t really understood that until now. Now that she did, it was clear to her that she loved him, too. Why hadn’t she seen this before? Her whole body relaxed. She put her mug next to Sam’s as he stood. She looked up at him. “Where are you going?”

  Sam laughed as he gave a deep sigh. “To take a shower.”

  Maya wrinkled her brow and assessed him. Wet hair. The smell of soap. “You already had a shower.”

  He inhaled deeply and rubbed his hand over his mouth and jaw as he mumbled, “Cold shower, Maya. Really cold.” He started toward the bathroom.

  She grabbed his arm. “Are you sure you want to do that?” It was more than a whisper, more than a question. Just speaking the words made her heart pound.

  He wrinkled his brow in confusion. “Maya, we don’t have to...”

  He stopped when she rose to face him. She stood on the tips of her toes and tilted her face to him. She was close enough to feel his breath on her lips. She looked at him from under her eyelashes. “The thing is, I love you and...”

  He cupped her face in his hands and leaned down to look her in the eye. His grin went from lost to found, his excitement barely contained in his face. “What did you say?”

  Maya pressed herself closer to him, still looking into his eyes. “I said that I love you.” She couldn’t suppress her own small smile as she took his hands from her face and held them in her own. She brought her lips close to his and softly continued, “If you want to celebrate that with a hike, I can get dressed.” His heart pounded against hers and his breath was getting shallow.

  “What’s my other option?” Sam’s voice was soft and hoarse and his words touched her mouth.

  She concentrated on his lips as she whispered back. “Not hiking...” She flicked her eyes in the direction of the bed. “You could check with the coin.”

  “No need.” She barely heard his words because he let go of whatever restraint he had left and wrapped his arms around her as he pulled her to him. His lips were on hers and he kissed her as if she were a craving, and he just couldn’t get enough of her. He tasted like orange and coffee and she pressed even closer to him, kissing him fiercely, as if she couldn’t get enough of him, either.

  He paused for breath, and she felt soft, full lips on her eyes and chin, before he took her face in his hands again. She half opened her eyes as his lips lightly grazed hers. He looked at her and whispered, his voice heavy with desire, “I’m yours.”

  She stood on tiptoe and brushed her lips along his jawline toward his mouth. She stopped just short of touching his lips with hers, grabbed a handful of his T-shirt and led him to the bed. “I’m yours.”

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  SAM

  Maryland, 1996

  SAM WOKE HOURS LATER, the sun in the afternoon sky and Maya asleep next to him. She had rested her head on his bare chest, her long, dark tresses sprawled across them both. The scent of honeysuckle from her hair wafted around, enveloping him as he absently stroked her hair. Clearly, he’d been wasting his time with other girls. Maya was the one. That he felt this way about her in so little time was not the norm for him, but he knew in that moment that he would never love anyone like he loved Maya.

  No, that wasn’t quite true: he had known after that first date.

  “Hey.” Maya’s sleepy voice interrupted his thoughts.

  Sam smiled and turned on his side to better see her. “Hi.”

  She rested her head on his arm, brushing her soft, sweet-smelling hair away from him.

  He traced a silken path from her shoulder to her elbow and back. “You were right.” Her skin was smooth in contrast to the rough calluses on his hands, and for a moment, Sam considered pulling his hand away. But she hadn’t complained yet. In fact, she snuggled her body closer.

  She smiled. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

  “Remember when you said that maybe I didn’t know anything else except what my mother wanted for me?” He traced a line from her shoulder to collarbone and toward her neck. He smiled in satisfaction as goose bumps appeared on her skin.

  “Well, I didn’t say that exactly,” she said.

  “Well, you were right. It is all I have ever known. Since my brother died, it was like an unspoken rule that I would do everything he would’ve done. It seemed to make my mom—well, less sad.” He continued tracing his finger from her elbow to her hand, brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. “If I had my way—” He couldn’t say it. It felt almost wrong to voice his own hopes and dreams, when Arjun no longer had his.

  “If you had your way, what?” She spoke softly, almost as if she were afraid that if she spoke too loudly he would stop talking. He wanted to tell her that would never be the case.

  Sam dropped his gaze on hers and let it rest. She was beautiful, inside and out. A sensation had come over him that he hadn’t experienced since childhood. He felt light and free, and he was happy. He couldn’t understand how he could feel this carefree while still being connected to this one person. He’d simply been going through the motions of life, doing what was expected, but now, he knew what he wanted. And she was lying right here in his arms. She looked at him with such pure love, he knew he was completely lost to her. Her eyes were soft and golden, and her cheeks carried a pleasant flush that he had put there.

  “After my brother was killed, there was a trial. The defense tried to make it look like Arjun was a reckless teenager and was equally at fault. They said that even though the other driver was over the blood alcohol limit, if Arjun has stopped completely, there wouldn’t have been an accident. Our lawyer was smarter and came up with all kinds of evidence that proved that
theory wrong. We ended up getting justice for Arjun and our family. It made a big difference for us, in helping us move on.” He looked at her fingers, entwined with his. “At least for me and my dad.” Sam hazarded a glance at her. She smiled when he caught her eye, waiting for him to continue.

  “So ever since then, I thought how incredible it would be to help out families like that, to make a difference in people’s lives during a time that’s difficult for them. If had my way,” he continued, “I’d open my own office and do just that—forget all that corporate crap.” He watched her, waiting for her expression to change. But when it did, it wasn’t with the disapproval he feared, instead she beamed at him, clearly impressed.

  “That’s amazing! God knows half our neighbors in Queens have been taken advantage of simply because they couldn’t afford to pay a fancy lawyer.” Her face glowed with pride and love, and she made small circles on the back of his hand with her thumb. “You should totally do it.” She snuggled closer and kissed his neck with those soft, plush lips. Oh, God.

  He closed his eyes. “So, I had made a promise to my mom that I would fulfill Arjun’s dream of corporate life and politics, and I’m keeping it.” He surprised himself with the resentment that showed up in his voice. “That’s my map to my future. And there aren’t any detours.”

  Maya’s hand on his face made him open his eyes. “Maybe you could do both.” This was just another thing he loved about her—her sense of hope. She clearly did not know his mother, and there was no way to explain Hema to her.

  “It doesn’t matter. What matters is being here with you.” Sam’s anger vanished as he pushed aside the soft tresses that cascaded over her shoulder and focused on Maya’s beautiful, bare, brown skin. He leaned over and kissed her shoulder. But why couldn’t he have the life he now knew he wanted? She reached out for him. One that included Maya and his own dreams? They could live in the city. Maya could become a world-famous pastry chef in any restaurant in New York, and he could have his practice.

  “Hey, where’d you go?” Maya ran her fingers along his jawline, and down his neck to his chest.

  “Hmm?” He closed his eyes and gave in to her hands. “Nowhere.” He opened his eyes and locked her gaze. “Maya?”

  “Yes.” Her eyes were soft and loving, and Sam was positive he was the only man alive who felt this way about a woman. Surely he was the luckiest man on earth to be locked in her loving gaze.

  “I’ve never told anyone about my dreams. I always thought my dreams were...secondary. But...you make me feel like anything is possible. I love you, Maya. And I meant what I said before, I belong to you. Only to you.”

  She bit her bottom lip, and her eyes lit up. “And I belong to only you. And I always will.” Her expression became playful as she kissed his lips and face. Just as he reached around to take her back in his arms, she whispered, “We need food.”

  “No. No, we don’t.” His voice was husky as he placed a hand on her bare hip to pull her closer.

  She laughed and pushed him away as she reached for her robe. “Yes, we do. At least some more coffee.” He reached out to pull her back to the bed. She continued to laugh as she escaped his grip and donned the robe. “A shower first.”

  Sam threw himself back onto the bed with a groan and watched as she walked into the bathroom. Time to live the life he really wanted. He’d talk to his parents when he got home. She threw the robe out and poked her head out. “You coming or what?”

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  SAM

  New York, 2012

  SAM EXITED HIS office building with his phone to his ear. Cold wind and honking cars made it difficult for him to hear the voice mail. He and Maya had been playing phone tag all day, the last one from Maya sounded final. He’d gotten Byron Stevenson as well as the authorities to agree not to press charges against Samantha. He had also convinced the school that expelling Samantha was not in anyone’s best interest. Maya had thanked him and, apparently, dismissed him back to the past. He had called her back right away, but she hadn’t picked up or returned his call. Irritated, he left another message. “Maya, call me when you get this message. I’m on my way to the coffee shop. I want to be a part of Samantha’s life. I can’t just make a few calls and forget I have daughter. But I think we should tell her together.”

  No sooner did he tap his phone to disconnect than he was stopped in his tracks. A young girl with long dark curls, wearing a camel-colored woolen coat but no hat or scarf, sat by the fountain. Sam could not imagine why she would be here, but his pace increased as he approached her. Maybe he’d tell her himself.

  “Well, hello.”

  Samantha started at the sound of his voice, but recovered quickly as she stood to face him. She reached out a bare hand to tuck her flyaway hair behind her ears. “Hello.” She wiggled a couple fingers at him in greeting.

  The silence between them was solid enough to be another person. But neither moved away. “So, everything okay?” Sam spoke first.

  “Yes.” Her hands were shoved into her pockets, but she could not seem to stop studying him. It was as if she was trying to memorize him. “You’re the lawyer.”

  If Sam was not mistaken, she rolled her eyes in that small eye-roll way teenagers had when they felt self-conscious. Niki had done this a lot.

  He caught her eye and responded with a smile. “We met. The other day...” Sam wanted to say more, but he was trying to catch up with the fact that he was actually looking into eyes that were the same as his. “Why are you here, Samantha?”

  “Mom and I were called to see my vice principal yesterday.” She started to walk.

  “And how was that?” He buttoned his coat and put on his gloves as he joined her.

  “Well, Mrs. Pappenberger hates me. So I totally expected her to throw every book at me that she could.”

  Sam tensed. “Is that what she did?”

  Samantha frowned, her eyebrows raised. “No. She called me and Mom to the office and made a big show of how she’s so important, and how I don’t really belong at that school.” Samantha shrugged. “But in the end, she let me go with a warning. Apparently, no charges will be filed, and now I have a clean slate.” She paused. “Thanks to you.” She granted him a sideways glance. “So, thank you.” It was almost a whisper.

  Sam relaxed and nodded. “Not a problem. Just a couple phone calls.” He was trying to decide if she sounded like Maya. He thought she did. “As I told your mother, the added bonus was sticking it to Byron Stevenson.” He laughed the nervous laugh of a teenager and he could almost taste the cigarette smoke in the wind as it mixed with the aroma of fried food wafting from nearby restaurants. People passing them on both sides muttered irritations under their breath, but father and daughter seemed oblivious of all this as they concentrated on one another.

  “You’re not just the lawyer, are you?” She stopped, almost midstep, and spit out the words quickly as if she were afraid they wouldn’t come out otherwise. “You’re my dad.”

  The words hit Sam with the force of a blow to the belly. She murmured something he couldn’t quite make out. They stopped and were silent as the crowd flowed around them, two boulders in a creek of people.

  Sam opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He paused and took a deep breath as he looked past Samantha at the neon lights of the city, brilliant around them. Relief mixed with confusion. He wanted nothing more than for her to know who he was, but how had she found out?

  When he opened his mouth a second time, speech had, thankfully, returned to him. “Excuse me, I didn’t get that last part.”

  Samantha looked up at him with cold brown eyes as she raised her voice. “I said, ‘or at least the sperm donor.’”

  A passerby sniggered, and while Samantha reddened, she did not break eye contact. Sam simply raised one eyebrow at her. “Okay. Yes, I am your dad.” Then with some degree of awkwardness said, “But the second part, it
wasn’t like that.”

  Sam leaned toward her. “I’m surprised your mom told you. She all but kicked me out of her shop the last time I saw you.”

  A look of victory crossed her face and realization kicked in. “She didn’t tell you, did she?” He sighed. “Nicely played.” He bowed slightly to acknowledge her win. “How did you figure it out?”

  “Well.” She hesitated, but she managed to look abashed and proud all at the same time. “It wasn’t hard to figure out. She never has coffee with the customers. Like, ever. And you saw her that day, she couldn’t wait to get you out of there, which made no sense, since you’d agreed to help me. At the very least she could’ve sent you home with cookies.” Her cheeks flushed with excitement and her words tumbled out, engulfing Sam like warm water. “But when I want information,” she said, “I use the internet.”

  Her voice softened. “I started looking for you about a year ago. I wanted to know about you, and she wouldn’t ever say much. She also never came to Maryland with us to see Sejal-masi. She only sees them when they come up here. So, I was alone with Sejal-masi...”

  “You asked Sejal?”

  “Yeah, you know her?”

  Sam grinned. “I used to know her.” Visions of a giggly young girl with her hand over her eyes, swearing she wasn’t peeking at them kissing, popped into his head. When he didn’t offer more, Samantha continued.

  “I started with Sejal-masi, because she’s great and all, but sometimes, she lets things slip.” Samantha tried, but failed, to hide the pride in her smile. “Like the fact that Mom was a nanny in Maryland the summer before I was born, and had dated someone who went to Columbia Law. She didn’t even realize she said your name.” Samantha bit her bottom lip. “Google did the rest. I was narrowing it down, but you were the right age, and your name is Sam.” Her voice lowered. “I always wondered why I was named Samantha—as opposed to something more Indian. Made sense.”