Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  The eyes show what the body doesn’t share,

  Truth is seen within a stare,

  Avoid eye contact when prepared to kill,

  Memories haunt of fear instilled,

  Or risk the remorse for another’s’ demise,

  The hate within, iron blue eyes,

  Some eyes see what they’re never meant to;

  Such sight shed bring endless gloom,

  Often that damage can’t be reversed,

  A spiralling dissension to only get worse,

  Some are conceited to believe they’ve deceived,

  Whilst some are left depleted and only grieve,

  To see thing’s others think they’ve disguised,

  The pain within, iron blue eyes,

  But to really take a good look at one’s self,

  And remorse for the pride of another’s hell,

  At the very reasons why they despise,

  Ah yes, the shame within, iron blue eyes.

  Exit Scenario

  “It’s difficult to know just exactly what some eyes have seen in their life time – the experiences the owners of those eyes have had along with it. You can never really know what they know without having been witness alongside them. You don’t know what their prior circumstances were like – nothing about it at all and without getting to know them – you can’t tell you trust them half the time just by looking to their eyes. With some people you might but there are many other factors that determine how you’ll know. Like, the feeling or reception you receive when you spend a little time talking to them all the while paying very close attention to their facial and bodily expressions. You might come across the odd one you might find it a little difficult to tell but we all each have within us the ability to feel the vibe of emotion another carries with him – and we are often very practiced at being able to tell who might in fact be a hazard to be associating with. You don’t know what they’ve been through, how they’ve dealt with it – or even know if they’re capable of being trustworthy at first glance – again – sometimes you can tell but sometimes you can’t and without having been alongside them for a great deal of time you’ll never really know. People can lie – and some people are just as good at disguising their lies within a truth. Be cautious, and if your intuition is telling you something’s wrong – that something about that other person is off-putting then you’re probably better off going with your gut feeling and keeping a distance.” – Zoukaa.

  Enter Scenario

  “A good lot of my irritation with others begins with double standards. Hypocrites. People who get off on telling others how to be – who to be, or how they should live when the person doing the telling off themselves do exactly as they wish. No arguments. Now, I would normally be all right with people making suggestions that might improve something in me – but not so much if they’re being unreasonable or irrational or even just having a good go at me because they’re not happy about something. Being told not to do something when others can do as freely as they please has always gotten on my nerves. But sometimes people take it too far in advising how to be, when they never enact in those ways themselves – they don’t ‘practice what they preach,’ in a manner of speaking. I’ve had countless engagements with family members I’d prefer not to name, because in some way or another continue to make my life an agony. I’d never hear the end of it and I would most certainly never live it down. Why do people employ double standards? Do they enjoy being a hypocrite? Can they even see the more they do this – the more they turn me out to be a martyr? And it’s true whether they like it or not – they probably just don’t see it. People who were picking at me over shit that they hadn’t even gotten a hold on over in their own lives. It’s a power struggle between the power-slave and the power-tripper. I wrote irresponsible inconvenience so; inspired by family, a whole lot of you might relate, you may laugh, cry – even scowl but hey therapy can in turn be entertaining. Please enjoy.” – Privisctine.

  Irresponsible Inconvenience

  What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,

  My respect falls and subjectively meanders,

  But I can never escape your hypocritical propaganda,

  All I can do is vent and shed all my built-up slander,

  It’s when it suits you that it doesn’t suit me,

  It’s when it suits me that it doesn’t suit you,

  You’ve always placed me in a desperate situation,

  Once I break free I’ll receive some elevation,

  These things that you do just never make sense,

  Look who’s now become the irresponsible inconvenience,

  You are such a pain in my arse,

  Unique and individually in your own class,

  I’ll never find my peace, at least until you pass,

  After then will I only begin to have a blast,

  You fail to understand,

  I’ve always been my own man,

  And I’ve felt this way from a very young age,

  But you’ve never wanted that discussion engaged,

  It’s when it suits me that it doesn’t suit you,

  It’s when it suits you that it never suits me,

  What’s good for the goose is good for the gander,

  My respect falls and subjectively meanders,

  And I can never escape your hypocritical propaganda,

  All I can do is vent and shed my built-up anger…

  Exit Scenario

  Irresponsible;

  Not taking responsibility for your actions, not taking charge and accepting the consequences – nor even accepting that there are consequences. An equal and opposite reaction.

  Inconvenience;

  Virtually anything or anyone with a situation or problem of quite unfortunate timing e.g. Everything happening all at once, being in a negative position by chance of something or someone’s influence.

  “It might be that you need a specific tool to work on your car, being half way through the job and you get to the point when you need that specific tool and it isn’t there to be seen then, you remembered you’d loaned it to someone you thought was a mate in need – only, it was this mate you had inconveniently fought with and whom you now no longer speak with but, this old friend also happens to inconveniently be in possession of the tool…

  Yeah…fucked huh?

  Here’s another;

  Having a plan or routine scheduled in a particular pattern on a particular day and you’re feeling rather good about it; as a matter of fact you’re anticipating the days’ events and then, you’ve got a mate who calls you up and says – “let’s chill out, come pick me up and we’ll go to another mate of mines and have a bit of fun.” You think, shit, fuck – this mate of yours has a bad reputation of having the worst luck possible. His invitation is quite enticing, but you just know from previous experience – the fun doesn’t last so long and it comes with a price. But, you decide to go along anyway just to see if this one time might be different, being optimistic. So, you go and you pick your mate up and head around to his other mates joint, you hit the piss and soak up the essences of narcotics and reminisce over past exploits. Talk of how you’re all thick as thieves and the plot soon begins to thicken. You all decide to go for spin in your wheels and in having a blast you soon draw the unwanted attention of the law enforcement. Everybody’s been drinking, even you, the driver. Your friends are making it worse for you all by being unruly, disorderly and not cooperating with the police, and the police all look at you because you’re the one playing it cool, keeping silent except for trying to cool your mates down. And then your mate lashes out and assaults one of the boys in blue. And as you had predicted things got out of hand, being locked up for the night and charged. Your boys are in your face for not having the balls to go along with them and the cops are on your case about how little sensibility you showe
d as into say if you knew better – why didn’t you do any better. And all you feel is regret, the regret that you hadn’t followed your intuition. And that this was all an irresponsible inconvenience. So, you got a night that was misguided into an unfortunate position where you might lose the respect of your mates, drawn attention to yourself that the police keep an eye out on you and pull you over every chance they get to see if you’re behaving yourself – along with a fine, and you had missed out on one of those rare days you’ve been looking forward to – missing out on something exciting for something you wish you’d never had any part of. If you don’t follow that intuition – even if the feeling isn’t strong – and you feel it, you’re more than likely going to regret that you hadn’t, so for the love of God, if you get a bad feeling about something – whether people try to assure you it’s fine – trust what you feel inside better than what they tell you, even if it’s family, and you’ll avoid yourself the trouble you’d have done better without.” – Privisctine.

  Enter Scenario –

  “Is there ever any true valid enough reason for this shit? Does it serve for some actual fucked up purpose?”

  {Bullshit, just bullshit, how do they expect you to just cope through it with all this on top? You’re no Jesus the Christ superstar – you don’t perform miracles…}

  “Yeah I know, it’s fucked, what am I gonna do? I can’t afford the full weight of this on me right this moment…”

  {Well, I know ways – but you’re never on the same wave-length, never on-par and I wish I could do it all myself but hey – if we’re meant to be like this – why can’t we at least have a little fun? And I mean some serious fucking fun!}

  “Oh fuck no – not a chance – I know THAT would most definitely make it worse…”

  {C’mon, night on the town, let’s go out – I wanna go out, I’m tired of you always doing what you wanna do and it’s fucking boring – you make me want to kill myself!}

  “Fat chance of that happening, I’m not done yet fuck ya, my vessel – my fuckin’ rules!”

  {Yeah well, if the shoe was on the other foot –}

  “Yeah well, it’s not so fuck up fuck-stain!”

  {Fuck-stick}

  “Bitch – I will rape you – shut the fuck up – I’m in a fuckin’ jam – I’m trying to get the fuck out and you’re only making it worse!”

  {FINE!}

  Keep It Together

  Just when I

  Think I’m, Keepin’ it together,

  I’m spat another raw deal,

  Tempted, Tested to see if I –

  Can still maybe keep it together…

  Tried, Tested – all manner invested,

  I’m beginning to just expect it….

  And its’ obligation binding fine-print,

  Time, Energy, Health, Wealth and more time spent,

  Wasted…

  I guess I’ve gotta do it on my own,

  I’m on my own – don’t wanna be alone,

  I am alone, false sense of security on my own

  I hate being alone – but on the same token,

  I love being on my own…

  But I feel that I, Can’t keep it together – I,

  Thought I was keepin’ it together –

  Shakin’ up a sweat under the weight of this raw deal,

  Tempted – Again – Tested – to see if I,

  Can’t still maybe keep it together

  Fuck this PRESSURE!

  TRIED – Tested – All manner invested,

  I start and begin to just expect it,

  And all its’ obligation…

  Time, Energy, Health, Wealth and more fuckin’ Time spent,

  Wasted…

  Just Fucking wasted

  Exit Scenario –

  “It’s one thing after another and sometimes I don’t think I can hold on any longer.

  I sweat bullets, bite my finger nails virtually back to the bone, my hair falls out and at other times I’m friggin’ tearing it out myself. I cannot remember when I last ate but the worms are biting feisty. I am starved – something fierce…

  Bills are piling up, barely making rent – fuck all food in the cupboards… the gecko’s eating all the bugs around the place are all looking a hell of a lot fatter than me – I’m almost a shadow. The stress grips and rattles me and I am as sick from it as much as the sickening hunger drives me to it. More or less a diet of water, water, and more water…could be worse…I am indeed fortunate to have clean water…

  I’m stuck – I’m fucked – I don’t think I can keep it together much longer. Oh, please great merciful God – finish me!” – Arahziel.

  Enter Scenario

  “I guess a lot of my problem with this is due to me just not laying clear the boundaries. Lines not meant for others to cross, but when they are – and people don’t know – when I’ve never said anything prior – people are confused. They don’t know they’ve crossed a boundary line of mine and put me to discomfort. I haven’t made it aware from the start about the things I have a dislike for and where the threshold is or what I should or shouldn’t expect – I have previously only assumed that people have a similar appreciation of respect as me to assume a great amount of faith on them. And I have been disappointed at the consequence of just assuming people are in fact aware of a common decency – or rather what I thought was common decency… for somebody that generally thinks too much and sometimes too into things and occasionally inappropriately so – there are times that I really wasn’t as considerate as I could have been… and I would have to be insane to expect any consideration from others – and equally just as so for the depths of which…

  Boundaries that whence crossed you are too soon to reign fire upon what unsuspecting victim happened by, there being confusion following as well as their arse blasted out of them. Had they known prior and were at least once forewarned then perhaps they’re better armed with the intelligence to tread carefully around sensitive topics. Now that I recall, it has been a common issue to me in the past and I’ve never really put thought to it ’til just recently…lesson learned. Announce your limits, improve their awareness, speak damn it…” – Cabbaccaba.

  Limits

  To what length must it get?

  How much of my blood have I gotta shed?

  How can they expect me to stretch,

  Beyond the limit I can bend?

  It doesn’t end –

  It never ends –

  I’m slowly runnin’ outta friends…

  I’m dying, falling – people ignoring,

  This position is appalling, its haunting, its daunting,

  Systematic dysfunction so exhausting, its piercing – it’s boring,

  Overload – friggin’ meltdown – danger, caution, hazard, warning,

  Cataclysmic interweaving, chaos is spawning,

  Crying – mourning,

  Forever mourning,

  Soon a whipping inferno of fury and scorning,

  Pushing, pushing, pushing, on and on,

  Pressure building and gaining strong,

  Blinding lies and pain and wrong,

  A stable me is long gone,

  Long gone,

  Too far gone,

  A ticking bomb just about to go off!

  This is the end of it,

  This is the end of it,

  This is the end of it,

  This.is.the.end.of.it.

  Tick, Click – BANG!

  Exit Scenario

  “I never knew what to expect from people – nor them with me now but fuck – I’ve finally worked it out. Duh? Just chat to another or a plethora of others about it – comfort zones and all that shit. It isn’t that hard but fuck now I feel like a dumb-arse for not thinking about it earlier. Only I guess no one has ever really pointed it out earlier.
Probably just roll their eyes and call me a dickhead and walk off, like, was I for real just now? Wake up mate, shit. I hate crossing boundaries and making people feel uncomfortable – I’m different enough as it is – it’s hard enough for me to get along and just ‘fit in’. I hate taking more than I can give back or doing less work than is as fair, or generous the reward. Boundaries are important, and I often forget where the limits of acceptable speech and behaviour lie when dealing with others in the society around me. I don’t get out and about to associate with anybody as often as I’d like to, priorities and financial means first and foremost reason being… Ha, limits on that too…” – Cabbaccaba.

  Enter Scenario

  A man, brushed briefly by madness – may very well be in danger of being condemned, damned. Limits and boundaries are pushed off into an endless void, recesses of space. Everything and nothing will tempt an outrageous activity many will either fear or despise but most of all misunderstand. And hope is lost somewhere along the line. All or nothing with no hard feelings for whatever loss – no real care for the world nor anyone – or anything in it. Likely, even to laugh at all he’s lost in himself – this man will have really drowned beneath his misery – driven insane, numb to all feeling – no limits, no bonds, no binds, there is nothing such a man wouldn’t do. Wreaking mischief and confusion with nothing to lose. He will drive mad – or worse – any sane man he encounters. But what does one do when they find out they are in the presence of a monster? How does one act rationally toward someone completely devoted to the irrational? Such mystery and foreboding sense of deeper, darker motives. How might one escape the lunacy but save from self-sacrifice, what is there left to live for when you’ve completely lost your mind?