Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  “Control. Huh! fuckin’ control – did you ever think once that maybe you should’ve let me feel in control of myself instead of having to tame me to do what you wanted? Never had faith, never, shouldn’t you have known if what you were doing to me wasn’t working to try something else? Since when is controlling me better than guiding me? Couldn’t ever give me a reason why and just thought that a NO was sufficient…fuck yourselves…”

  Other World

  There’s creatures here on this earth,

  That darkness had once given birth,

  Things those labelled insane can only see,

  Things that’d make the blind eye flee,

  I’ve seen the shadows of silver and light,

  Figures you’d dream of only at night,

  They follow and torment, catch your scent,

  And harrow with insidious intent,

  I feel for those ‘free of trickery,’

  How their minds are made so quickly,

  Too stubborn to believe we’re not alone,

  With their skulls of such a thick bone,

  These creatures twist and transform; they change and they drain,

  They feed off from the misery of the plain and sane,

  Even through another stranger dimension, scape or plane,

  And just how they do I couldn’t ever fathom nor explain,

  But we the labelled mad, crazy, deranged,

  Don’t quite feel their inflicting pain,

  Having been better prepared for seeing them there,

  Watching as they feed and scare and live without a care,

  Still I pray my madness is a genetic error,

  For I can see these creatures reflected in each mirror,

  And should I have to play the role of the nasty news bearer,

  I can expect countless waves of many others’ terror,

  We see through to the other world is our own,

  We see through to the other world in our own,

  We see through to the other world is our own,

  We see through to the other world in our own…

  Exit Scenario

  Fucking family. Why do I bother? They just palm me off when the gravity of the truth becomes too over-bearing. Doesn’t seem like much of a family at all to me. Can’t take responsibility and help rationalize with me. I’m sick of it – I want to put a stop to these hospital visits of theirs. I’m going to tell the nurses and doctors just how hostile they drive me. I hope I never have to see them again. No one believes me. This is what I call alone. None of ’em could give a flying fuck. None of them know what it’s like for me to be seeing this shit – none of them even seem to show any ounce of consideration for what I’m going through – they think I’m the enemy, they think that I’m the one they’ve all got to fear. It’s fucked. None of them show any compassion in wanting to hear me out – listen to what I’m feeling, that I’m scared, frightened by these visuals. Should I really be expected to not ‘fear’ the things I’m seeing? Fuck… it makes me want to staple my eyes shut sometimes or have them surgically sealed – sewn shut or even have them removed. I see things that don’t belong in this world – shit you wouldn’t even think possibly capable of living in this realm or even surviving this atmosphere. Things from the otherworld.

  Enter Scenario

  “I’m feeling like a spider being shaken rampantly whilst attempting to string up a web but the whole structure is rattling proving it a difficult task. Except I’m not a spider and I end up just slipping through the cracks, slipping through their clutches but, every time I break free – I only have a quick second to catch my breath and then I have to be on the run again. It never ends. One of these days someone’s going to end up dead and I don’t plan on it being me – only everybody else that decides they want to stand in the way of me and my freedom. And I’m not about to be taking my eyes off my freedom any time soon. I barely have it to myself these days. I feel like I’m being used as a scapegoat for something else. Taking the fall for something small while another more conniving – scheming, greedy fucker makes away with the bigger prize. Not on my watch mate. I’m on the loose, I’ve got my bearings and I will have what I desire and what was rightfully mine, I will gain possession over it once more – my once tranquil, peaceful life. It’s come to this…” – Idkod.

  Over The Edge

  I’m on the run,

  I’ve got a gun,

  I’ve exploded – I’ve stunned,

  The damage has been done.

  Not long now and they’ll be lookin’ for me,

  Be a long time now before I can rest my feet,

  Be forever now lookin’ behind me,

  I’m wanted, I’m dead meat,

  I was pushed off over the edge,

  Forced beyond losing my head,

  Provoked, shoved off over the edge,

  Cornered – I lost my head

  This freight train has derailed,

  Pissed off grid, fucked off trail,

  Caved under pressure, conscious frail,

  Renegade, rogue, tethered and wild,

  And I’m on the run,

  I’ve got a gun,

  I’ve exploded – I’ve fuckin’ stunned mate,

  The damage has been done.

  Yeah I was pushed off over the edge,

  Forced beyond losing my head,

  Provoked and shoved off over the edge,

  Cornered – I lost my head

  Exit Scenario

  “Well, I’m not going out without a fuckin’ good fight, I tell you, bullets are gonna fly. I wasn’t the lunatic they claim I was before they had this done on me. But they did it, they did this to me. When I finally develop the capabilities and the means of reversing all this, I will make the culprits responsible for these acclaimed atrocities, I will have retribution and compensation more than well fit for their diabolical trespass against me. I’ll get them. The lies have more than damaged my decent reputation, I’ve lost all that was important to me…they’d better watch their shadows, because I may just be close…” – Idkod.

  Enter Scenario

  “From my many experiences with these people – I have thus far learnt; these people are smart, stable, strong, strategic, manipulative and will drain you of all the life you held precious and dear. These people are confident and smooth, can be sophisticated – talented, quite the conversationalist. Sometimes a show-off – NO – consistently a show off for they revel in the attention. Master thieves, they’ll take your shit right in front of you and you wouldn’t even know it until they might’ve maybe told you. These people lie – and generally have a good mind at covering over the missing ‘pieces’ – the blanks that don’t fit, but you’ll barely realize that unless you watch them non-stop. The more time you spend with them – you see things you might otherwise question elsewhere but let it go by the nature of their attitude towards you (and also because you’ll find in the time you know them – you learn what they are in fact quite capable of – but even still, these poisonous people are so well clued on, they’ll be careful to show you only certain elements – rarely ever the full extent). They’re careful about how much they tell you all the time, that they’re really trying to work out how far they can take shit with you. Some of these people are so sadistic, they enjoy the pressure they see they can apply upon another and they will test limits with you – enjoying it all the while. But they’ll drain you, they’ll take as much as they want, whatever they want and no line will go uncrossed. Shit – they’ll probably try drain you of the remaining years of your life if they ever found a way that they could make it possible. These people care more for themselves than another and have no consideration for the casualties that go down in the fall of the aftermath. Poisonous fucking people…” – Netheil.

  Poisonous People

  There are people out there who
won’t make sense,

  People out there that risk and offend,

  People of no substance – and never recompense,

  Pissed off, Jealous, no responsibility of them taken,

  And you might be that one passing by,

  But beware when looking straight to the eyes,

  One king hit and you might die,

  And never even have known the guy,

  People who’ve never got nice to say

  People that carry on, rant and rave,

  People that use, abuse and lead astray,

  Never accountable for they ways they behave,

  They won’t know you nor you of them,

  For all you know you could be friends,

  But a nose out of joint IS a nose bent,

  And a feud might begin that never does end,

  People who spite on others – rain on their parade,

  People that fight in numbers – rave in their charades,

  People who encumber, that shame and degrade,

  People that strike and plunder, raid and pervade,

  But the best you can do is steer well clear,

  No one needs to have that fear,

  Be well aware when they are near,

  And save yourself your tears…

  Exit Scenario

  “It’s like quicksand, the harder you struggle – the faster you sink. And like quicksand, poisonous people are difficult to get away from. Some of them find sneaky subtle ways to get you to believe that you need them as much as you know they need you. They play it, and they always find ways in which is better inconvenience on you and wastes your time. They really are as sick and twisted and sadistic and even domineering as I have said, as I have pointed out, and there are so many different kinds. These poisonous people get off on watching you struggle – they just hide it well, laugh and joke about it behind your back later. They’re laughing at your expense. They don’t always have your back as much as they claim, rarely ever reliable enough to count on those times you could do with another set of hands. Nowhere to be seen, busy doing other shit elsewhere, but they’ll be there with you when you’re on a winning roll. I hope I’ve armed you with sufficient intel, I pray you and none else become victimized – but in the case that you do and it cannot be helped, I pray you make it out safe – for your sake. Remember you’re important most to you.

  P.S. – contrary to previous mention that these poisonous people are intelligent…there remains a good number of plenty that aren’t so intelligent. Intelligence being seen in the way that they may hide behind the façade of ignorance, and be belligerent, still, draining when you’re trying to get through to them to then find out you can’t and won’t ever…” – Netheil.

  Enter Scenario

  “There’s an occasional moment from time to time where I end up catching myself talking aloud to myself. And occasionally, I answer me back. There have been times where – once thought to be by my lonesome – I’ve let loose my full bodied conversation out to the space around me. They’ve been in-depth convo’s too, that have been awkwardly witnessed by people around be – unbeknownst to me. Though luckily – not too many people have interrupted me and asked me if I’m alright or if I need a hand. A lot of them let it go normally unless they feel they ought to be checking in on me, in situations where it might seem that I’m tense or stressed out or sound upset. Occasionally it might sound as though I’m struggling but really – I’m dealing, or rather, attempting to deal with that inner voice. Occasionally, though rarely these days. Here’s an example…” – Kutu.

  Schizophrenzied Soliloquy

  Why must you torment me?

  Got no place you’d rather be?

  Why deceive with your trickery?

  Why should I grovel and beg on my knees?

  I loathe that you assume you can freely come and go,

  And never provide me reasons for why you do so,

  Cause I’ll never grow never being in the know,

  And to be treating me under toe makes you the more low,

  This is my body and this is my mind!

  I wish I could move forward and leave you behind,

  These goddamn genetics are a faulty design,

  You’re wasting my time pushing far across the line,

  You’re an abominable existence,

  With deviant persistence,

  I’m starting to need my distance,

  For I might soon head to prison,

  Will you just get the fuck out of my head?

  Before anyone I care about winds up dead?

  You never listened to a single thing I’ve said;

  I’m sick of my heart feeling heavy as lead,

  You never do me any favours,

  I’ll smile the day you turn to vapour,

  I’m coming to the point where I need a saviour,

  Cause peoples’ lives and my own may be in danger,

  What is it about me, do you think you need?

  Why do all your mistakes make me bleed?

  I’ve got nothing more for you to feed,

  Mister demon seed of the blackest breed,

  How could I even keep you secret?

  When I’m but shattered to tiny pieces,

  I long for the day your presence ceases,

  ’til then I can only beg and pray to Jesus,

  You were supposed to my brother,

  To look out for me like no other,

  But you just smother as you govern,

  And I choke and stutter as I suffer,

  I wish you would just leave me alone,

  I don’t want to do the things I don’t condone,

  With invisible scars like broken bones,

  You’ve outgrown this head you call home,

  I’m tired of this misery and burden of grief,

  Can’t you see what is happening to me?

  I don’t want my death to be the thing to set me free,

  I want to feel hope or some sort of its degree,

  I really need you vacated,

  I’m feeling somewhat placated,

  And if it takes being medicated,

  I’d gladly participate in it,

  Exit Scenario

  “You can laugh, go ahead, a lot of people do but as hard as it is to believe – this shit’s fucking real – and sometimes it really can be something to be wary of – maybe afraid of, at most aware of. From my experiences, it’s made it difficult with people watching far too closely, more worried about me then themselves. Making a big deal out of me and not focussing on what they’re doing, that in some way makes it worse. They shroud around and suffocate you with the fear that something scary ‘might’ happen. They watch you but are unaware it drives you further nuts still. And rarely, just rarely some people have done this on purpose – pissing me off, stressing me out with their nose in my business, telling me everything I’m doing is wrong, unacceptable, intolerable – or worse. It can almost get to a point where that voice in the back of your head makes it more obvious to you that everyone around making your life difficult has been given the power to push you further, you know it in your heart its true but they’re always pushing you to prove it and when you can’t they say it’s all in your head, that your seeing things, patterns that don’t exist – you’re reading the signs but none of them are any good. You find it harder to believe what’s real with everyone confusing you. And it almost feels like they’re doing it on purpose and they’ve all got a grudge against you. But you never give up fighting for one second, not when your freedoms at stake. Avoid telling any control freak about your troubles, ’Cause they’ll play what they’re good at best against you and get away with it for some time. They’ll steal that energy from you in any way they can – or so my voice would tell me. And that voice would say you can count on bullies, inti
midators, interrogators, and pressure pushers of any kind to do that, so…trust no one.” – Kutu.

  Enter Scenario

  “One definition of insanity is doing something over and over and expecting a different result. I despair over my mistakes yet I make them still. There are many forms of self-sabotage and I guess I like this one the best. An addict for any and all sorts of pain, gloom and despair. My lows are as extreme as wishing I had possession of any kind of ballistic weapon to paint the walls and ceiling with the top of my skull, blood and brain matter. Otherwise pray to got to strike me with lightening or at the least a heart attack to whisk me away from this world. Or yet maybe even jump in a car and go for a reckless joyride ending in a fatal car accident that’d surely flatten me to a pancake. You begin to disrespect yourself after a good long time that you’ve been disrespected – almost hated or feared – or even envied by others. Hey, it’s all right for everybody else, maybe I do deserve it, maybe being kept poorly would lower any chance of me becoming a monster. Low to no self-esteem. I hardly think I influence others in a good way, and whatever compliment I receive implies an ulterior motive – or that others pity me and are only trying to be nice. There comes a point in time that you rarely leave the house because people will look at you strangely. The looks on their faces read – ‘that man is up to something/ he doesn’t belong here/ what the hell is he doing?’ you avoid all the contact you can with anyone for fear that you’ll clash, or in some way or another you’re the one who’ll cop the worst of the blow – and no one knows, no one cares. Gang up on the gilly, curse the outsider, he’s not one of us, don’t trust scum like that! I pretend I don’t hear it or feel their eyes on my back as I pass by. And I try to get myself as far away as I can as fast as possible – to laugh at the weakened cough of a hypochondriac splutters just a distance away out of my cigarette smoke. Fuckin’ police stare at your direction as you walk as they drive by. Yes I keep to myself because god knows with the shit I deal with – the most difficult part I face is managing control of my emotions. Perhaps on occasion a voice deterring trust, with extreme highs to extreme lows and changes that can happen quite rapidly. And I can fight and argue my point with others – and I might win, but 99% of the time I’m always left feeling far worse afterward. If I didn’t have to face too much interaction with others a lot of it could be avoided. I know it’s all in the way we treat one another – hard to pick the point to know when lines and boundaries have been crossed from time to time. And we all know how power-tripping fucks all love to have it over someone else – whether verbal razors, physical expressions or physical altercations are engaged. Sometimes you can’t escape and I feel like a magnet for the bullshit. Makes you wonder if there’s any real reason for existence because on occasion, I just feel like a senseless presence.” – Grault.