Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  Enter Scenario

  “I have been lost countless times. Driven (figuratively) to wastelands searching for something – love – but headed from one destination – of devastation, to another of sorts. And I’ve been here before, it’s all the same, and of course plain to me now over repeating similar patterns – I now see I hadn’t previously learnt from. Cycle after cycle, looping and coming around again. Only difference is I do come out the other end having learnt a little more – I almost feel better off after every new experience but it isn’t by very much. And never too different from the last. The wiser you get, the more challenging the next level, or at least for me anyway. I used to go full throttle into things without a proper strategy, and that of which is what I’m learning to better prepare for myself before the next. Trouble is I can never foresee the outcome – especially if you do something different from the last – and if slightly – you can never really assume the other half is going to be as involved as you at the same rate, you can never really know how closely along the same line you’re similar. You can never know if you share the same state of mind. There’s room for miscommunication and misinterpretation. It’s foolish to assume whoever you choose to unite with is of the same mind and of the same want as yourself. You can try to strategize all you like but nothing ever really goes as planned, nothing can ever really go as well as you fantasize or hope for. No one is capable of reading minds and without thorough communication, failure is soon ready to make itself known.

  I guess I’ll wander lost through these wastelands until I figure it out some more. Barren as they are. As they seem.” – Vellecklayne.

  Barren

  I scour a wasteland I call love,

  I seek and search but never find the one,

  These games are fucked and I am done,

  Not a single damn rock here is different – none,

  Lightning streaks through the darkened skies,

  Trees are gnarled and bent with lies,

  Patches of fire here and there fiercely alight,

  And every fuckin’ damn rock looks a similar sight,

  Every fuckin’ damn rock here is the same,

  And I don’t think I’ll find love again,

  I circle this wasteland and go insane,

  I swear and curse all things profane,

  Rattled by frustration – I drop to my knees,

  I tremble and cry out whimpering pleas,

  And I hear a voice and calm to a peace,

  And I wonder if at last my search is ceased,

  My rage and frustration soothes and subsides,

  I sight an angel and we both lock eyes,

  She beckons for me to come claim my prize,

  I’m hesitant, suspicious of a cursed disguise,

  She implores that I believe and trust that I’ll see,

  That she really is the one for me,

  Faith that a dream can really be,

  Work hard enough and you shall achieve…

  Exit Scenario

  “I know what to do about it, I know how I can correct these disadvantages. I know how to look, know how to ask and where to search. But unless I do – every aspect of my dealings with others are going to send me back through a barren wasteland, hopeless and lost, an aimless meander. I suppose until I get off my arse and get driven to educate myself a little more on the subject – I will continuously be driven back into a recurring cycle. Another part of the problem I need to get by – is what little enjoyment I feel when I endure these hardships. I do enjoy the ride and equally so it’s setbacks. As an artist with a level of intelligence, I utilize whatever experiences I encounter as material with a means of interpretation – I guess as entertainment of sorts. So far for myself but hopefully for whomever I may pleasurably indulge these experiences. Maybe a little pain in the here and now is something worthy of a laugh at later – if I can manage to get passed the pain that is. Some might say there’s insanity in it there, to endure this shit for enjoyment. That I don’t just accept the consequences to my actions, I embrace them and use them just as much as the ’ride’ itself. Then boom, got something from nothing. It’s probably not a highly intelligent thing to do to purposefully – intentionally, subject myself to these horrors – where my mental health is concerned but, I suppose if I never forget the bigger picture, remember the dinky di reasons why – no matter when others think I’m mad or it appears to be ridiculous, then perhaps my mental health won’t take too much of a heavy blow. Perhaps if I remind myself consistently why, then nothing all too serious should happen, not if I remember it’s my sole purpose…” – Vellecklayne.

  Enter Scenario

  “I feel like the best of me is gone, I feel a little deadened inside – most definitely numb. I’m passed the point of screaming and tearing my hair out. And now left behind in a dense consuming black, I alone must pull myself back up out of it, realign myself. And all of it feels familiar – yes, I know this state well, but knowing it should at least be a little easier to accept, knowing I’ve somehow managed to straighten out of it before. Just takes me longer than anyone else – as far as I’m aware. Somehow this time – the split up is different, I must exhibit a rational, mature acceptance I have never previously shown. It isn’t easy – not for me, not with my condition. I know I’ll heal – I have full faith I will but the memories won’t too soon be forgotten. She might rather forget them but not me. I feel ripped apart and more so – unjustly condemned. What I gave – what it cost me, the exhilaration is dead and gone. Ecstasy is kaput and long been now. I feel the best of me is gone, but how soon will it be before I too am doomed extinct?“ – Euzopherias.

  By-Product

  She’s left me behind and in the black,

  And she’s not lookin’ back,

  Scrapped like crap – I lost track,

  Sapped to slacken the snap-back,

  Wasted, drained and used up,

  An emptied-out by-product.

  More isn’t ever enough,

  Left to restitch all these cuts,

  Can’t shake feeling suckered,

  Led astray by outside fuckers,

  Fed off like yesterday’s tucker,

  Arse-up, awaiting the pucker

  She’s left me behind in consuming black,

  And she’s not looking back,

  Scrapped like crap – I lost track,

  Sapped to slacken the snap-back,

  I’ve been drained, wasted, used up,

  An emptied, cleaned out, by-product,

  More just isn’t ever enough,

  And I’m but left to restitch these cuts,

  I’ll never shake this feeling all suckered,

  Fed from like yesterday’s tucker,

  Led astray by outside fuckers,

  Arse-up awaiting the pucker

  Exit Scenario

  “I feel like the waste of something once marvellous. Just shit. But after this – how is it possible that I am just expected to show as though nothing happened and I am unaffected? I am torn, and I’m the one expected to sew the stitches after another’s frenzy on me. Does this imply a just fairness of me to do the same to another? It doesn’t seem right to me – it sounds to be the further most end of the scale away from fair. Acidic almost. But if it’s expected of me then, I guess I just cut my losses, say some thanks for nothing and fuck off walkabout like the indigenous blood in my veins beckons me to. And if f I’m expected to have to be the one to have to fix me – I’m going to do it good and proper so this sort of this won’t as easily affect me ever the same again. And if it means locking my heart off and up tight and never being close to anybody ever again – then so be it…” – Euzopherias.

  Enter Scenario

  “I love the older ladies – always have, just gorgeous. I love that they enjoy a good bit of fun here and there. Something I’m finding is better the chanc
es when you approach discreetly, smoothly, subtly – manoeuvring with a sophistication and confidence. Civil and refined yet bold and forward, daring… if you never take the chance, you will never know. It takes being smart, suave – quick-witted, a few well-timed Freudian slips (One of my favourites) and soon it’s on. Being a young feller, passed his mid-twenties – I have a lot of energy to burn, I have a stamina that goes well in my favour. All natural without the aid of medications and drugs. I can work up a good pace and fairly good rhythm that it hardly takes me long to rouse an ecstasy all round. I love that the matured fairer sex have such experience – they know how they like it and they’re phenomenal when they return. I’m hooked. I’m a rabid horny alpha dog ready to ravage…easy boy…” – Bula-Vel.

  Cougar’s

  I’m seeking mutton dressed as lamb,

  I’m gagging for a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am,

  I’m lookin’ for a split to jam,

  At least Ten years mature than this young man,

  I’ve got energy that’s driving me nuts,

  Huge, heavy knackers all full of spunk,

  And all I want is a mama to jump,

  Wouldn’t bother me – no teeth in the gums,

  I’m not so very picky,

  I’m just ready to get sticky,

  I get ’em eager to see me stripping,

  Slippery love-juice nectar swimming,

  Yeah, I’m seeking mutton dressed as lamb,

  I’m gagging for a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am,

  I’m lookin’ for a split to jam,

  At least Ten years mature than this young man,

  Oh – jeez – wow! I really need it now,

  Take a cougar’s hand and make to bow,

  Whisper in her ear – ‘Care for a plough’?

  And shortly whisk her away to make her howl,

  Ever more deviant the darker the desperateness,

  Love in abundance beats lonely-night restlessness,

  It might on the surface seem a little pretentious,

  But deny pleasure not – perks of the adventures…

  I’m seeking mutton dressed as lamb,

  I’m gagging for a wham-bam-thankyou-ma’am,

  I’m lookin’ for a split to jam,

  At least Ten years mature than this young man,

  Exit Scenario

  “I want to know all they know, and I am willing to learn, I yearn it. I long for it – I lust for it. And by the time I achieve their age – I’ll be well on my way to being deified as some sex-god. Utilize all I know and be so much more than a ‘passion-fingers’. I want to bring the passion and spread it around in waves, rock every experience and leave a strong long-lasting impression. Make them all want more. Make them crave it as bad as I but deliver the mighty thrill they barely – rarely have matched within them. Give them something they remember and will for all time. A lasting impression.” – Bula-Vel.

  Enter Scenario

  (As it began)

  Subbau:

  “Ka, I have grown rather infatuated with you, please, please say that you’ll meet me here again each Saturday night from now, and accompany me to a night of blissful romance and dancing?”

  Ka:

  “Yes, yes my darling, yes! I myself am growing further attached to you. I’m sorry if it isn’t very lady-like of me to be so forward, I – I’m just feeling so overwhelmed. I will.”

  (And she blushed, smiling – grinning and jumping up and down, fluttering her hands in front of her face in her excitement. And Subbau too, would smile widely. He picked her up in a tight embrace and he spun them both around on the spot expressing his own excitement. Her elegant flowing dress swirling around them both in their spin.)

  (As it progressed)

  Ka:

  “Please won’t you see me more often? I can’t bear this distance any longer, I need more of you – I want to be around you more regularly.”

  Subbau:

  “Soon my love, soon. I promise. I’ve been really, really busy lately. The boss has overloaded me with extra clients at the firm since a fellow lawyer was offered a better position elsewhere and is soon to hand in his notice for resignation. I have a lot going on right now my love, I will continue to visit you each Saturday night as I had promised…”

  (The extra work Subbau was really referring to, was truthfully, an adulterous affair he was newly maintaining with a female co-worker at his law firm. In fact; it wasn’t the only deceitful secret he had begun engaging in but rather succumbed to habitually using the narcotic, cocaine – as well as a new found addiction to hard liquor.

  Subbau was losing himself indulging in a world of harmful distractions, and hadn’t actually realized he was keeping contact with Ka less and less. She was losing him, but she could feel it.

  Subbau was becoming quickly submerged into his illicit and dishonourable activities, and was becoming less and less aware of his behaviour being increasingly modified by the dramatic changes happening while under the influence of sex, drugs, and alcohol. His attitude eventually escalated to fearsome extremes.)

  (As it climaxed)

  Subbau:

  “Ka, please hear me, I love you – please let me show you how much I do. I think we need to take things further my darling. Come, lay with me and show me how much you want me. Embrace with me and fully give yourself to me – as you are mine and let me ravage you..”

  Ka:

  “Subbau, you’ve been drinking again haven’t you? You know how I feel about this – don’t call me when you are like this. I love you too, but the moment we are married – I will give myself to you. We’ll make love, I promise, but only after we have wed and exchanged vows…”

  Subbau:

  “Baby-doll please, come and have me, allow me into your arms and let me ravage you woman! NOW WOMAN! SUBMIT TO ME!”

  Ka:

  “Subbau! – That’s appalling behaviour – I will NOT! It’s not right, not now. You’re drunk! I will NOT, NO!

  (And she struggled in her flail as Subbau wrapped her in his arms and began kissing her face and down her neck, and over her collar bone. She screamed and tried to batter him away in a slapping frenzy.

  Then he released her suddenly and she stumbled backward. He slapped her hard across her face and she fell to the ground screaming and crying, frightened, with salty tears stinging her eyes as they streamed down over her cheeks.)

  Subbau:

  “You stupid bitch! How. Fucking. Dare. You!”

  (He yelled at her through gritted teeth as he commenced belting into her in his blind, drunken rage.)

  Ka:

  “Uh, uh, uh – oh, ah! Stop, stop it! NO MORE – please, I can’t take it any longer, please – I’ll do whatever you want! ANYTHING!”

  Subbau:

  “Oh yes you will, and you will enjoy every moment of it too – Damn it!”

  (He growled and grabbed her, turned her over onto her stomach – pinning her to the ground, tearing at her once-elegant dress and forcing himself inside her, violently, violated her.

  He was in the most fearsome and aggressive state that she had ever seen of him.

  And now she felt an intense pain as he viciously penetrated her. He was rough, and made her bleed badly, tearing her.

  He overpowered her so much that she was under his entire control and was now far too frightened to do a
nything other than please him. He beat her bad, but there was far more yet to come – and soon she resigned herself to his mercy.

  But never once did Subbau ever show her any mercy – his alcohol and cocaine habit depreciated and declined his health rapidly. And each new encounter to come between him and Ka would steadily be more nightmarish and deadlier than the last.)

  Dead At The Riverstead pt.1

  I fell for a man charming and sweet,

  His wondrous words made my heart beat,

  Between us a passion of intense heat,

  I had felt complete,

  But I wouldn’t see him for days,

  His work always kept him away,

  But I would never cease to pray,

  That he would decide to stay,

  He was shy and we had fun,

  But it was all a lie he had spun,

  And this night was still young,

  I’d sight the beast he’d become,

  He told me he’d been drinking,

  Told me he’d been thinking,

  That I needed some convincing,

  Consenting to his bestial instinct,