Letting You Go

by Jordan Marie

  “If we stay here, you can go to community college and start toward your degree. We can give my parents time to see us together and…”

  “And what, Luna? They’re not going to magically accept me one day.”

  “They will see that you’re nothing like your father. They’ll see how good we are together. It will work out, Gavin. We just need to give it time.”

  “I can’t stay here, Luna. There’s nothing for me in Stone Lake. I can’t even attend class to finish out my diploma. I’m having to stay in the principal’s office and do my work for Christ’s sake.”

  “I’m here, Gavin. Isn’t it worth it to try, just for a little while?”

  “I want you to go with me, Luna.”

  “My way is better. We can wait until my parents are more reasonable and—”

  “You don’t know that they will ever change their mind about me, Luna. Away from here, you and I both get fresh starts. We can do and be whatever we want.”

  “You can’t live your dream if my parents come after us, Gavin and we both know they will if I leave with you.”

  “We’ll deal with it if that happens.”

  “It’s not a matter of if. It’s when it will happen, Gavin. If we can just hold off for a little while—”

  “How long, Luna?”

  “Gavin—”

  “How much longer do you want me to live in a town that hates me, bumming a couch from my buddy because I don’t have a place to live, and hide the fact that I’m in love with you and all while waiting for some miracle to happen and your parents magically accept me.”

  “Gavin, don’t you see—”

  “All I see is that you’re dreaming. Nothing is going to change by staying in Stone Lake.”

  “If we leave, my parents will have you arrested!”

  “So? I survived once, I’ll survive again. They can’t keep me locked up. You’re eighteen, it will be bogus charges.”

  “Maybe, but you will still have a record and we did start dating when I was underage.”

  “Everyone dates young. You’re just letting your fear get in your head.”

  “You’re right! I’m scared. I’m terrified. I don’t want to be the reason you don’t get to be a cop, or a detective, agent, whatever it is. I want you to do what you want. I want you to have your dream.”

  “You’re right, I do want that, but if it doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. I’ve got other dreams.”

  “Like what?”

  “You, Luna. You’re my dream. The only one that matters.” His words slice through me like a sharp blade that has been honed and heated for deadly precision.

  “Until you grow to hate me,” I whisper my voice trembling, hoarse from the tears that want free.

  “That won’t happen,” he says, but he’s lying. Maybe I should tell him I’m pregnant. That alone might be enough to make him hate me. I start to… and then stop. I can’t even be sure why, but I know I can’t tell him.

  Not right now.

  Not like this.

  Maybe it’s because I don’t want him to hate me, but I think the real reason is I need Gavin to love me.

  I want him to love me—like I love him.

  I want him to choose me—freely.

  I want him to stay, and not just because he’s trapped by the girl he knocked up.

  And maybe that’s not the whole problem. The deal with my parents is there, but time would take care of that, I really believe it would.

  “If you stay, we can continue putting money back. We’ll be better prepared.”

  “We’re prepared now. I told you that I would take care of you. Are you saying you don’t trust me now, Luna?”

  “I’m saying I don’t want to start our lives together living on the run from my parents and the law.”

  “Luna,” Gavin growls.

  “I’m saying I don’t want to live in your truck while we get enough money put back to find a place. I’m saying I want time, Gavin, and if you love me, you will give that to me.”

  “If you love me, you’ll go with me.”

  “I do love you. Why are you being like this. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing! I’m not saying we won’t ever leave. I’m just asking for a little time.”

  “Luna—”

  “I do love you, Gavin. I love you so much. I love you more than you will ever realize. It’s just that I’m not willing—”

  “And that right there is the difference, Luna. I’m willing to do anything for you.”

  “Then, stay in Stone Lake with me, Gavin. Just stay here with me for a little while longer. Let me catch my breath. Let me figure things out. Give us a chance.”

  “I’d give you the stars if I could, Luna. I’d give you anything.”

  “Gavin—”

  “But, I can’t give you this. I can’t stay here. It will kill me if I’m forced to stay here.”

  And just like that the world goes dark for me. It feels as if I’ve died. I can see Gavin standing in front of me, but it’s as if everything is just shrouded in a filmy haze of black now.

  All hope is gone.

  “Then, I guess it’s over,” I whisper, and I can hear the pain and tears as I say the words.

  Can he?

  Does he care?

  I lose sight of him as the tears finally escape. They fall so hard that they sting, feeling harsh.

  “I guess it is,” he says, and he looks at me with blue eyes that once held joy and promise and now look as dead as I feel inside.

  “Don’t go, Gavin,” I beg.

  “I don’t have a choice,” he responds and with one last look at me. Then, he turns around and puts one foot in front of the other as every step takes him further away.

  I stand there, watching him walk away, barely seeing him through my tears and he doesn’t turn around. He doesn’t look back.

  Not even once.

  I stand there and my world ends. The man I love so much that I’m willing to give up everything for him, just so he can reach his goals, is walking away from me and he’s not even giving me a backwards glance.

  My hand goes to my stomach, the small life that I have inside of me.

  I’m all alone now.

  I’m pregnant and alone and I know I’ll never see Gavin again.

  That thought is what finally brings me to my knees, and I fall to the ground, sobs erupting from me, so loud, so filled with anguish that people on the other side of the concession stand come running. I sense them there, I feel someone touching me and hear them asking me questions.

  I don’t know who it is. I don’t know what they ask.

  I just know that I feel like I’m slowly dying.

  All alone…

  CHAPTER SIXTY FIVE

  GAVIN

  I look at the woman I love, and I see the pain on her face, but all I hear is the fact that she doesn’t care enough to put it all on the line for me.

  I walk away.

  I think I hear her cry out my name, and I try not to look back, but I give in. There’s a crowd there now and no sign of her. I feel dead inside. I can’t believe this has happened. I can’t believe after everything that she can end it like this…

  Maybe she never loved me. Maybe I was fooling myself all along.

  I walk through the crowd in a daze. I don’t see faces, I barely see anything. I just want out of here. There’s an old payphone on the side of the school. It’s one of the few still around, most everyone uses cellphones these days, but Stone Lake has two of them, one at the school and one outside the grocery store where I work. I’ve always been glad, because a cellphone isn’t something I can afford.

  Not now.

  Someday I will.

  Someday I will be an FBI agent, I’ll have money. Women like Luna will be glad to have me around, will want me and I’ll tell them to fuck off.

  I’m done with women.

  I’m done with caring.

  As I make it to the payphone, there are some couples standing around. I see their stares.
It doesn’t matter that I’ve been cleared and released by the cops. Most of this town thinks I’m guilty and they don’t bother pretending they don’t. They leave almost the same time I get there. I guess they don’t want to stand close to a murderer. If I didn’t feel like I was dying inside, it would be almost comical.

  I insert my change and dial the number that Agent Dern gave me. I have it memorized. He was leaving town today, it may be too late.

  I hope it’s not.

  “Agent Dern.” His voice is gruff when he answers.

  “It’s Gavin. Uh… Gavin Lodge.”

  “What’s up, son?”

  “Have you left town yet?”

  “Heading out in the morning, what’s up?”

  “I want to go with you.”

  There’s silence on the other line and fear rises inside of me.

  He’s changed his mind.

  “What about the girl?”

  “That’s not an issue anymore.” I grip the phone wishing I could change things, but I can’t. She made her choice and now I’ve made mine.

  More silence. He doesn’t want me either.

  Just like Luna…

  I lean against the phone booth. “Forget it, I’ll—”

  “Where are you?”

  “I’m at the high school, getting ready to head to my truck.”

  “Do you know where my hotel is?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Can you get here okay?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Then get here, boy. We’ll head out tonight.”

  “The quicker the better,” I tell him, closing my eyes. I hate that the minute they close, Luna’s face invades my brain.

  I hang up and open my eyes, walking toward my truck. I see Atticus standing in front of me. I walk past him and I don’t say one damn word.

  He’s smiling at me, talking to Larry Richards.

  He knows. They both do.

  Fuck them.

  Fuck them all.

  I jump in my truck, rev the engine to life and peel out, leaving Stone Lake and Luna Marshall in my rearview mirror.

  EPILOGUE

  LUNA

  Three Months Later

  * * *

  “Y ou don’t look so good.”

  “You wouldn’t look good either if you spent the morning barfing,” I mumble.

  “You’re going to have to tell your parents what is going on, Luna,” Atticus says, and he hands me a ginger ale and some saltines.

  Every day we meet here at the park lately and he always has ginger ale ready for me. I grab it gratefully. I open it and take a sip, closing my eyes.

  “I’ll tell Mom soon. Right now I’m okay with wearing big shirts and sweats. Besides it’s not like they care. Dad’s back to staying gone all the time and Mom is rarely home since she started working again.”

  After the divorce, Mom got her realtors license and works constantly. Her focus is on moving on with her life now that things have calmed down and the divorce was finalized. I don’t know if I will ever feel normal again. First, losing Jules and it feels as if I’ve lost my parents, too. Then, losing Gavin….

  It’s all too much to process, so instead I go through the motions of everyday life trying to survive.

  “Here, eat the saltines too,” he says, taking one of the small single packs and opening it for me. I take a bite, but I don’t really want to. Food makes my stomach want to revolt.

  It’s weird. So much has changed in the last few months. Changes that I never wanted, but I’m finding with life, I’ve not really been given a choice either. I miss Gavin so much that it has settled into my body like a permanent ache.

  Wally gave me a number—a cellphone that Gavin used to call him on. I tried to call it a couple of times. He didn’t answer the first time and the second, the phone was disconnected. I got up the nerve to call Agent Dern once. He told me Gavin was doing good and praised me for doing the right thing.

  I couldn’t very well beg him to tell Gavin to come and get me after that. Instead, I hung up. I miss Jules so much that I don’t even know how to express it. There are times in one’s life that you truly need your best friend. Right now I need mine so much there are no words. I don’t know how to get past the loss I feel. There’s a hole in my heart where her and Gavin both resided. She was my best friend. Now she’s gone, and I will never get her back. No one can replace her. I just don’t understand why.

  “I’m sorry, Luna.”

  “It doesn’t matter,” I tell him and it’s true. Nothing really matters anymore. I put the crackers on the bench beside me, unable to stomach more than a bite.

  “I’m still sorry. Can I do anything to make it better?”

  “Do you hear from Gavin?”

  Only Gavin could make things better. I miss him. I ache so deeply to hear his voice. To have him call me Moonbeam. Mom called me that one day and I lost it. I blew up at her and she didn’t understand why. I never told her.

  How could I explain it to her without giving away my secret?

  “You need to forget him, Luna.”

  “I love him, Attie.”

  I will always love Gavin.

  “Yeah well, he obviously didn’t love you. If he did, he never would have left you.”

  “I pushed him away.” I did this to myself–to all of us. Gavin, me and our baby.

  “Doesn’t matter. If you were my girl, Luna, I’d never leave your side. No matter what, I’d never give up on you.”

  I’ll never be your girl or anyone’s for that matter.

  But, I don’t tell him that.

  I’m at the park today, trying to soak up the sunshine, and mostly trying to figure out what I’m going to do. Despite what I told Atticus, I’m not going to be able to keep hiding my pregnancy. I’m going to have to tell my mom. I’m going to have to figure out what I’m going to do about college… life…. And somehow, I’m going to have to give up Gavin. I thought after three months without a word from him, it would have gotten easier.

  It hasn’t.

  It’s just been harder. Every day I wake up, I miss him more.

  “Luna! Did you hear?” Meghan comes running toward us.

  “Hear what?” Atticus asks Meghan as she makes it to us.

  That’s another strange thing. I thought I hated Meghan because of the way she moved in on Darren, knowing he was dating Jules, but she’s really become a good friend and one that I truly need now. She also discovered that Darren was an asshole who was cheating on her and Jules with Marie Ison.

  “They arrested Darren this morning.”

  “Darren?”

  “Yeah, they have proof he’s the one that killed Jules.”

  “Proof?” Atticus asks.

  “Yeah, I guess they found a witness that saw Darren and Jules fighting near the place where they found her body.”

  “Holy shit,” Atticus says.

  Pain shoots down my back. It’s so intense that I can’t seem to catch my breath.

  “You’re telling me. I can’t believe I dated that monster,” Meghan says.

  “Just because they were arguing, doesn’t mean he did it,” I tell him, finally able to talk now that the pain has eased.

  “I guess they also found the knife she was stabbed with in his car,” Meghan says. “It still weirds me out that I rode in that car,” she adds with a shudder.

  “I hope they lock him away for life,” Atticus growls.

  “Me too, I guess,” Meghan responds.

  “Does that mean you don’t think he did it?” I ask, moving around and pressing back against the bench that I’m sitting in because I can feel the pain there again. I’ve been hurting all day, but not like this.

  Maybe I overdid it yesterday when I helped Mom clean house?

  “I don’t know. The Darren I knew was a dumb ass. It’s strange, because we dated for a while and I never got psycho-killer vibes from him at all. Though to be fair, I never got the I’m cheating on you with the biggest ho in the school vibes either,” s
he adds with a flip of her hair.

  “Like you would know,” Atticus says.

  “I’m serious! I get more psycho vibes from you.”

  “Me?”

  “Please, the way you always show up the moment your name is mentioned? It’s creepy.”

  “Whatever.”

  “I’m just stating the truth, Attie, and I know I’ve said it a hundred times, but he told me that him and Jules had broken up, or I would have never started talking to him.”

  I shrug, because it’s not like it matters now. Nothing is going to bring Jules back. Hopefully they will make sure Darren won’t hurt anyone ever again. I close my eyes as a wave of nausea rolls through me. I close my eyes to fight it and then I gasp out loud as white-hot pain slices through me, centering at the bottom of my stomach. It’s so hard that I moan out from the intensity.

  “Luna? What’s wrong?” Attie asks.

  “Luna? Are you okay?”

  “I don’t… Oh God,” I end up crying out as pain even fiercer than before hits me. My body jerks from the force behind it.

  “Luna!” I hear Meghan cry.

  “Call 911, Meghan,” Attie urges, panic laced in his voice.

  I hear them, but I can’t focus on them. Wave after wave of pain slides through me now and I can’t catch my breath.

  “What’s wrong with her?”

  “I don’t know. Call 911, Meghan.”

  “Attie, she’s bleeding.” I hear her. I shake my head in denial, but I can feel the warmth slide down my legs, and I focus just enough to look down at the white dress that I’m wearing. Deep, bright red color blossoming against the white. I cry out in pain and denial…

  And then everything goes black.

  THE END

  (FOR NOW)

  Turn the page for the prologue to Luna & Gavin’s conclusion—

  When You Were Mine

  PROLOGUE

  WHEN YOU WERE MINE