How to Drive a Dragon Crazy

by G. A. Aiken

  “I know, but apparently he doesn’t want to waste my talents.” She smirked. “Seems you’re not as talented as I am because he’s throwing you right into the pit. I just wish I knew what that pit was.”

  Éibhear shrugged. “Guess we’ll find out soon enough.”

  “You don’t seem worried.”

  “Should I be?”

  “When a god makes you take a blood oath to him while he’s wearing your mother’s body like a suit of armor, I’d have to say this is a god you should be worried about.”

  “You do have a point.”

  “You should head back.”

  “Are you coming?”

  “You know I can’t. I have to see that Nolwenn bitch.”

  “Then I guess I won’t be going back.”

  “Éibhear—”

  “We’re not arguing about it, Izzy, so you might as well let it go.”

  “But if something happens to you now, it’ll be my fault.”

  “What makes you think that?”

  She started to say something but stopped herself, shook her head. “No reason.”

  “You’re a bad liar. Keita would have sold that to me much better.” He studied her a moment. “Perhaps you should tell me what the god said to you, Izzy.”

  “I’d prefer not to.”

  “I’m sure you would, but we both know I can wear you down. So why delay the inevitable?”

  “I don’t see why it—”

  “Just tell me!”

  She scratched her nose and muttered, “He seems to believe you’ll follow me wherever I go.”

  “No,” Éibhear immediately replied.

  “Exactly. I told him he was—”

  “Not everywhere.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “I wouldn’t follow you everywhere. Unless you needed me to. Do you need me to?”

  “I don’t need you to—” She bit her bottom lip, closed her eyes. After a few seconds, she said, “I don’t need you to follow me anywhere. And I don’t like gods using our kin to get what they want.”

  “What does he want?”

  Izzy shrugged. “I have no idea. I just know that he wanted you in the Desert Lands—and here you are.”

  Izzy didn’t know what bothered her more. The fact that Éibhear seemed completely unfazed by all this. Or the fact that he said he’d follow her anywhere . . . if she “needed” him to. What did that even mean?

  “I wouldn’t worry about it,” Éibhear finally said.

  “You wouldn’t?”

  “What’s the point of worrying? It won’t change anything.”

  “I can’t live like that,” Izzy admitted.

  “Why not?”

  “Because if you don’t worry about the possible worst-case scenario, then it’ll happen.”

  “That is incredibly ridiculous.”

  “That is not ridiculous. What am I supposed to do? Wait to see what happens? Just let horrible things rain down on me and my men?”

  “I didn’t say you shouldn’t plan for possible worst-case scenarios, Izzy. I said you shouldn’t worry about them. All worry does is cause you to panic and, I might add, make your voice a little bit shrill.”

  “My voice does not get shrill.”

  “It does. Sometimes you sound just like your mother when you get like that.”

  Izzy gasped, outraged. “That is an unfair thing to say to me.”

  “Well—”

  “I am not like my mother. Not when it comes to that. I don’t sit around obsessing all day about all the little things that can go wrong.”

  “Right. You just worry about the big things that can go wrong.”

  She tapped her foot.

  “I wouldn’t let that bother you, though,” he went on. “You’re as cute as your mum when you do it.”

  “Oh. Am I? I see you still have a thing for my mother. Too bad Daddy got to her first.”

  “That’s all right. I can always settle for you.”

  Izzy froze, her hands curling into fists, the back of her neck getting tight. “Settle for me? You can settle for me?”

  “You’re better than nothing.”

  And that’s when she swung on him.

  Laughing, Éibhear caught hold of Izzy’s waist and pulled her onto his lap, knees on either side of his hips. Once he had her there, he quickly grabbed her wrists to stop the onslaught of her fists. She had a right hook that clearly one of his brothers had taught her and she used it to devastating effect.

  “I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “I’m sorry.”

  “I don’t want to hear it. You are such a bastard.”

  He pinned her arms behind her back and held her like that until she looked at him. “I’m sorry. I was only joking.”

  “If you’d rather have had my mother, just admit it.”

  “Your mother is beautiful, but she likes to argue a bit too much for my taste.”

  Izzy’s eyebrow went up. “As opposed to us?”

  “We don’t argue.”

  “Uh . . . okay.”

  Éibhear leaned in and rubbed his nose against her jaw.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Nuzzling. Animals do it in the wild.”

  “See a lot of that in the Ice Lands, did you?”

  “Nothing else to do but watch animals nuzzle. You know, when we weren’t eating them.”

  Shaking her head, Izzy tried to slip off Éibhear’s lap, but he wasn’t in the mood to let her go. Although he wouldn’t mind if she kept wiggling her ass around like that. It felt wonderful.

  “Are you going to release me?”

  “No. You might start hitting me again. And your tiny little fists hurt my sensitive human skin.”

  “You’re pathetic,” she laughed.

  “So my brothers keep saying.” He kissed her jaw, moved down her neck.

  “Éibhear, we can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “We’re going to have to go to dinner soon.”

  “Not for a bit. We’ve got time.” And even if they didn’t, he’d make time.

  “I have to change.”

  “Oh. Well . . . let me help you with that.”

  Éibhear released Izzy’s wrists but only so he could grab hold of her chain-mail shirt and pull it up over her head. He tossed it on the bed behind him and moved in for the bindings she wrapped around her breasts. He got that off in short order, then wrapped his arms around her waist. He pulled her in closer, loving how her tits felt pressed against his chest.

  “Now kiss me, Izzy.”

  “This isn’t what we should be doing. I thought we weren’t going to let this get complicated.”

  “Izzy . . . I’m Mì-runach.”

  “Which means . . . what? Exactly?”

  “That when I told you I wasn’t going to let this get complicated I was merely lying to get what I want. That’s what we do. That’s what we’re trained to do.”

  “You were trained to lie? You mean like your sister?”

  “No. Keita lies for queen and country, but the Mì-runach lie for ale and pussy.”

  “You lot need training for that?”

  “It’s definitely a skill.”

  “Oh, well, when you put it like that . . .”

  “Just kiss me, Iz.” He nipped her chin. “Before I go mad from the waiting.”

  “All right. But just a small kiss. Just a little one. And then we have to get dressed for dinner.”

  “Just a small one. I promise.”

  Izzy began to lean in, but she suddenly stopped, eyes narrowing on him. “Are you lying again?”

  “Mì-runach. Pussy. All we’re missing is the ale.”

  “Ale, eh? Well . . .” She shrugged. “As long as I get something out of it.”

  “When it comes to obtaining ale, the Mì-runach never lie.”

  Izzy smiled and pressed her mouth to his. Their tongues met and Izzy wrapped her arms around his neck. He held her tighter, his hands tracing the lines of her scars while his cock grew u
ncomfortably hard in his leggings.

  Gods, he had to be inside her. He had to be inside her now. He couldn’t wait even a second longer.

  “What are you two doing?”

  Éibhear and Izzy froze at the same moment, Izzy’s eyes opening wide to look at him even though their mouths stayed fused together. He knew that she wanted to believe they hadn’t heard anything. But Éibhear knew better. Knew that they had heard what they didn’t want to believe they’d heard.

  “I don’t believe you two,” that angry voice went on. “I’ve been worried sick and this is what you’ve been up to?”

  Izzy pulled back, her hands immediately covering her chest.

  “I have to say I don’t expect much from the boy, Iseabail. But I thought you learned your lesson after Celyn.”

  Éibhear looked around. They were surrounded. Surrounded by beautiful trees and soft green grass and happily whistling birds. Things that he could not only see and hear but feel. Like the extremely large boulder he and Izzy now sat on.

  “Mum—” he began.

  “I don’t want to hear it, Éibhear. From either of you! And Izzy,” she went on, “to do this in front of your sister.”

  Eyes getting impossibly wider, Izzy looked over her shoulder and Rhi waved at her from beside his mother.

  “What the hells is going on?” Éibhear demanded, helping Izzy as she scrambled behind him to hide from his mother’s imperious glare and Rhi’s happily curious expression. Tragically, Izzy’s shirt had been left behind in that Desert Land chamber, so all she could do was use Éibhear’s bare chest as a shield. “Why is my niece even here?”

  “Do you think it’s easy to bring those without any Magickal skills into a sacred space? Even for someone of my amazing skills? Well,” she went on before Éibhear could bother trying to answer that question, “it’s not. And I needed Rhi’s help. But little did I know what I would be exposing the poor girl to.”

  “Mum.”

  “I mean I expect little from you. . . . You’re a male. I’m just glad you can think of and speak full and complete sentences.”

  “Mum.”

  “But Iseabail, Daughter of Talaith and Briec, what are you thinking?”

  “Me? Why are you putting all this on my shoulders?”

  “Because you of all people should know how stupid anything with a penis is! And yet here you are, involving yourself with my son. As if that’s acceptable!”

  Izzy gasped. “Why wouldn’t it be acceptable? We’re not blood related.”

  “Exactly! So you were not born a royal. You were merely a commoner who has been very lucky. And if you think you’ll trap one of my useless sons with that common pussy, you’re tragically mistaken!”

  “Mum!”

  “Oh, shut up! Now here. I came to give you this.” She threw down a piece of parchment. A rune drawn on it.

  “When you don’t have your tongue down Izzy the Dangerous’s throat, feel free to keep a look out for that rune. You’ll most likely find it on those who’ve already tried to kill you once. And in case you were worried about your cousin Brannie and your three friends, which clearly you were not—they’re fine!”

  “Mum—”

  “Och! You stupid, stupid boy!” She turned away but then spun back again, her dragon tail almost taking off poor Rhi’s head. Thankfully the girl was quick and managed to duck in time. “And when you two get back, this whole . . . thing better be done with!”

  “Don’t you dare try to order me to—dammit!”

  One second he was in some lovely grove with a pretty pink sky and the next he was back here, in this stupid chamber. Damn that female!

  “Princess Iseabail?” one of the guards asked from the entrance while he eyed them both. “Is everything all right?”

  “Uh . . . yes. Yes. Everything is fine.” Éibhear didn’t have to look to know that Izzy was busy grabbing her shirt and pulling it on, using Éibhear to block the guard’s view.

  “We sent you clothes, but no one could find you.”

  “Uh . . . right. Went exploring. Sorry about that.”

  “Dinner is about to take place. Should I ask King Heru if you could have more—”

  “Time? No. No need.” She scrambled off the bed, smoothing the shirt down her unbound breasts. “Let’s just go and get our meal. I’m starving.”

  “Of course.” The guard nodded. “Right this way.”

  He walked out and Izzy went to follow, but Éibhear grabbed her hand and pulled her back. “Don’t even think of losing your mind over this.”

  “Too late!”

  “I don’t care what my mother says or your mother or the mother of all the gods. We do what we want, Izzy. And if that means fucking like bunnies, then that is exactly what we’ll do.”

  “Can we discuss this later?” She snatched her hand back. “Much later?”

  Izzy walked out, although he could tell she’d rather be running. Running all the way back to her legions and more killing. Anything rather than face the situation that was right in front of her. Not that he blamed her, but still. She had to know that no matter what happened between them the family wouldn’t take this well. She just needed to deal with it.

  Back safely in the grove not more than a league from Garbhán Isle, Rhi looked up at her grandmother, who would escort Rhi back to the house now that they were done with their task. But still, something bothered Rhi. . . .

  “Why did you say that to Izzy and Uncle Éibhear?”

  “I had to, it’s nothing to worry about.”

  “But I don’t understand, Gram. I thought you didn’t mind them being together.”

  “Oh . . . my darling girl. When you’re a mother you’ll understand this better, but if you think for a minute that my blessing their union and telling them that it should have happened years ago would bond those two together for a lifetime, you are a very optimistic girl. Instead, it would only make them go out of their way to do the exact opposite. It’s what children do to their parents.”

  “I don’t.” She scrunched up her nose. “But Talwyn and Talan do.”

  “Exactly. No, no. This was ugly but necessary. Either I forbid the relationship now or I risk another three or four decades of those two fighting what everyone else can so clearly see.”

  “You practically called Izzy a whore, though.”

  “There’s no practically there, but I had to make it convincing. But don’t worry. Once I know that idiot and my granddaughter have stopped all this foolishness, I’ll apologize to her.”

  “What about Uncle Éibhear?”

  “He’s male, darling. It’s best to keep things simple and unadorned for the males. You’ll learn that, too, as you get older. Now”—she leaned in a bit—“would you like to go flying with Grandmum before we take you home, so you can watch her toss cows around for no other reason than her own amusement?”

  “Sounds unnecessarily cruel.”

  “Exactly!” Rhiannon used her tail to place her granddaughter on her back. “See? Already you’re learning what it means to be part of this family.”

  Chapter 30

  “Are you not hungry, Princess? Is the food not to your liking?”

  Izzy looked up from the food she’d been toying with for the last forty minutes. As Éibhear had feared, Izzy seemed to be taking his mother’s words hard. Then again, not really surprising. Not only did Izzy adore his mother, she respected her. So what Rhiannon had said bothered Izzy more than if it had come from one of the Cadwaladr aunts who’d mostly ignored her over the years.

  “No,” she said. “Everything’s fine.”

  “Then what troubles you?”

  Izzy glanced at the other three dragons who’d come to dinner in the king’s privy chamber: Lord Amsi, a duke from the outer regions of the Desert Lands; Bani, the king’s personal healer and friend; and Kafele, the king’s head magi.

  “Nothing,” Izzy finally said.

  “Now, now, Princess Iseabail. I want you to feel you can be honest with me. And thes
e”—he gestured to the three other dragons—“are my closest confidants. Anything you say to me, you can say to them with no fear that it will spread beyond my chamber.”

  “I understand, but—”

  “No, Princess. Feel free to express yourself here. You are among friends.”

  An eyebrow peaked. “Really?”

  Uh-oh. “Izzy—” Éibhear warned.

  “Fine,” Izzy went on, ignoring him. “You want me to express myself? Then that’s what I’ll do.”

  “Izzy—”

  “It’s all right, Prince Éibhear. I’m eager to hear Iseabail’s thoughts.”

  At that point, all Éibhear could do was roll his eyes and sit back in his chair.

  “Go on, Iseabail,” Heru said congenially. “Tell me your—”

  “What the battle-fuck do you want with us?”

  The duke sat up straight, his glower dark and dangerous. “Perhaps you forget your place, Southland human.”

  “Keep your mouth shut,” Izzy warned, voice low. “Or I’ll split your spine.

  “Now”—Izzy focused back on Heru—“I’m in no mood to fuck around about this anymore. You came, you got me . . . why? And don’t give me any centaur shit about feeling benevolent, or just in a mood, or gods-damn premonitions. All I care about at this point is what you want from me.”

  Although Heru looked amused, the duke was definitely not and he seemed unable to keep out of all this.

  “Look, human,” the duke sneered, “you may think you’re safe with your barbarian Mì-runach sitting at this table, but I can assure you—”

  “I don’t need Éibhear’s help to kill you. I’ve killed dragons greater and stronger than you can even begin to dream of being. So hold your tongue or I’ll make it part of my wall decoration, along with the horns of Olgeir the Wastrel and the spine of Overlord Thracius!”

  Éibhear studied Izzy a moment and asked, “You’re the one who took Thracius’s spine?”

  “I was the one who split it.”

  “But I was the one who finished him.”

  “Only because I’d destroyed his ability to fly away!”

  “Excuse me,” Heru cut in. “As fascinating as it is to hear the violent lifestyle of the Fire Breathers and their human kin, I’m sure Iseabail would prefer to hear the truth of the matter.”