Three Times Torn

by Felisha Antonette

  “Tracey,” calls again, like the first; low and song-like.

  I grumble to myself, fighting back the urge to follow, to answer. Thrusting my hands through my hair, I huff a breath and head for the door. Hesitation keeps me from grabbing the knob. Inches from wrapping my hand around the silver handle, I try—try—to talk some sense into myself. My heart’s pounding, daring me to move forward. Or, maybe, it’s the anxious squirms of my stomach that are restless and making my heart beat erratically.

  Before I know it, my telling myself Roehl has nothing good for me, he’s just a pile of coal wrapped in what seems to be gold and diamonds, I’m out the door, creeping down the stairs and easing the back door closed. Ignoring every call of better judgment, I run across the backyard and out the gate.

  “Where are you?” I ask low enough not to tip off those in the house. I know I’m doing something wrong, I do. . . But I can’t help it.

  I spot a figure coming up from the beach. My steps retract when I see the reflection of the moon dance on lines of a half circle and squiggly triangles of gold on the side of his face.

  “Don’t be scared, Cey. Nathan understands.”

  And he’s right. He does. I meet Roehl half way. “Hi,” I greet, smiling.

  His arms spread out to his sides, and I walk into them and wrap mine around his back. He doesn’t return my embrace, but when I go to step away, he hugs me to him. “Hey.”

  Leaning back, he meets my eyes. Standing just a few inches above my height, I don’t strain my neck to look at him. “Um. I don’t know what to say.”

  He smiles.

  I wince. That golden grin will never grow on me.

  He rips himself away from me and whips around.

  “What?” I ask, reaching for his arm.

  “Nothing,” he says, turning back. I smirk. Oscar. The man Dad knew as Oscar stands before me. No gold, no sun, warm honey-colored eyes. He’s normal and this I like. Almost love.

  I step to him, cupping his face.

  “Let’s take a walk,” he offers.

  The night’s cold. The air’s tart, not fresh like the water usually leaves it after a storm like last night’s. The grass beneath my feet is squishy, and I regret not putting on shoes.

  “This is yours and Nathan’s path, huh?”

  “It is,” I answer confidently.

  “Where is he?”

  I shrug.

  “Have you put much thought to why he’s not stopped me from claiming you? I mean, I don’t mean for that to sound too aggressive. But, I want you, Tracey. Not selfishly, but you’re too good for Nathan.”

  “What do you mean, why he hasn’t stopped you?”

  “Let’s be serious here. You hate yourself for wanting me. I know it; you know it. But you can’t fight what’s real. We know that too. If Nathan wanted me out of the picture, before things got this serious, he would’ve told you how to stop me.”

  “How to stop you what?” Our hands had clasped at some point during our walk. I’m not aware we’d been entangled until I stop and he follows.

  Roehl shrugs. “If you and Nathan want me out of the picture so bad. Why hasn’t he killed me?”

  I consider that. “I don’t know.”

  “Because he can’t. Can I be honest with you?”

  “Definitely. Please.” Honesty would be a breath of fresh air.

  “If you want this to end. If you love Nathan and honestly want me out of the picture. Tracey, all you have to do is kill me. Nathan can’t kill me because you’re falling for me, and if he does, he’ll hurt you. Mated Sephlems can’t see their mates hurt from a broken heart. So, they’ll let them go off with their true love than risk the opposite.” He takes my hands in his and brings them to his neck. “I’m okay with you killing me if it’s what you want.” His small hands, wrapped around mine, clutch at his neck by his doing. “Squeeze, Cey. Kill me.”

  “No,” I say, trying to take my hands from his.

  “If you hate me. If you want me out of your life as much as you tell Nathan you do. I don’t want to live anyway. I don’t want to exist with you hating me one moment and loving me the next. So, kill me. Right now. There’s more than one way you can do it, but you’ll benefit more from stripping my life from me by your hand. Believe me. It’s the best feeling ever.” He drops to his knees, squeezing harder. “Get it over with, Cey.”

  I yank my hands away. “No, I said!”

  Rising, he asks, “Then you want me?”

  “Yes,” I mutter, gaze dropped to the ground beneath my feet.

  “Can you say it? Can you say you want me to live for you?”

  I step toward him. Just as I go to speak, the words get stuck in my throat. I literally can’t say it, but I want to. Nathan, he lives for me. I live for him. But there’s something here. “Can we get out of here?” I say instead. “Take me out of here.”

  “I can’t. Not yet. Nathan’s gotta okay it. You’re still his mate.”

  I chew on my bottom lip and step away from him. Multiple steps back. My heart thrums. The entire space of Earth is closing in on me. My breaths quicken as I try to catch one, but it’s harder than ever.

  “Wait.” Roehl hurries to cuff my arm, stepping in front of me. “Don’t panic!” His lips enclose around mine, and his arm slips around my back. He kisses me like Nathan. Everything feels the exact same; butterflies, the tingle against my lips, the savoring sweet taste of his tongue. He tastes exactly like my mate—honey laced with a taste of ginger that stimulates my senses. He smells like him too—an oaky musk that relaxes my muscles. The only difference is the length of the reach I extend my arms to wrap around his neck, and how high I need to raise on my tiptoes.

  “I’ll come back for you later, okay? When Nathan’s around. I don’t want to take you away without his knowing and make you hurt from him. He deserves a lot, but not his mate disappearing on him.”

  I shake my head. “I’m not going to hurt Nathan. I love him far more than I want you.”

  “Ah, come on, with this you love him bullshit. Who loves people they met just a day ago. Yeah, whatever, you two might have mated, but you were forced into love. What love holds secrets? Huh?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You have your secrets, and he has his. Believe me. Nathan is keeping quite a large secret from you?”

  “Like what?”

  “Just know I’d never do that, and if you decide to come with me, he has no other option than to let you go. Your bond will falter and break with him, setting you free from his hold, giving you what you want. And you being free will give us time together without him hurting. You can bond with me, Tracey. If bonding is what you require. I’ll give you the freedom you crave and the life you desire without looking over your shoulder. The only reason everyone is after their family is that they left us. They’ve done damage even I can’t remember or count. He decided to change. And in your words, you’re either all or nothing. I rule, I’m followed, no one comes after me. They may want me dead, but they’re too scared to come for me. With me, you’ll have that space and openness you want.”

  “Not telling me this secret Nathan’s keeping is us starting off with a secret.”

  “Tell you what?” he smirks. “You tell me something. Tell me about your visions.”

  “No.”

  Laughing, he says, “Wow, you shot me down fast. Let me show you something.” Roehl places his forehead to mine and his sight drifts into my vision. He reveals a glimpse of the future. What I assume is the future. I stand with him, arms wrapped around his middle, us walking away from Nathan. We stand not far from where we are now, and I say bye to my mate, leaving with Roehl. Nathan just let me go, face smiling as he watches me leave as if he were happy I did. Relieved in some way that I’m no longer his problem.

  Breaking away from Roehl, I feel a slight pinch in the back of my neck, but I don’t let him know that. “How’d you do that?” I ask.

  “It’s an ability. It’s like this vision thing,” he says, ge
sturing toward his eyes. “I can only control it sometimes, though.”

  Slighted, I admit, “I know how you feel. That’s my problem, but I think I had my issue before mating with Nathan. I used to have these horrible hallucinations when I was a kid. They weren’t real life, but it felt like they were, and it wasn’t like telling the future because none of the events ever happened. But it was more like an instant, or moment being lived out differently. Like, you’re standing there, thinking about kissing me, but you don’t. I’d actually experience you kissing me although it wouldn’t be happening. It was really bizarre and freaked me out. It took an enormous toll on me, and I had to visit doctors and what not because my parents couldn’t understand why I was so afraid to close my eyes. Most of the things weren’t good, and I had dreams that were worse.” I shrug. “Getting older, though, things got better, and they stopped.”

  “Until you mated with Nathan?”

  “I’m not just mated with Nathan. We’re bound.”

  “Oh, I know. I wouldn’t have met you if you weren’t. And you are a special meet, Tracey.” He grabs my hand, and I feel his goodbye before he says it. “Thanks for sharing this with me. It makes me feel good you finally trust me. I’m not out to hurt you, I swear. Remember how it feels when you’re with me, okay? The freedom of not being weighed down by a controlled Burdened Sephlem. Control is overrated. Freedom is what you need; freedom is what I can provide.”

  “Tracey!” Olar disappears in the distance and reappears in front of me, shoving Roehl and me away from each other. “You’re breaking rules being here with her alone,” Olar warns.

  “You have no place in this, Olar,” Roehl spits. He pushes him, shoving him into me.

  Olar catches me before I can hit the ground. Angrily, he faces Roehl. “You’re into her that much that you wouldn’t consider her well-being before attacking me?” he asked, pointing over his shoulder at me. “You’re a snake. You know what you’re doing.”

  “Olar, you’ve not owned the right to speak to me.”

  Olar jumps at Roehl and Roehl vanishes. Fear, maybe. Turning around, Olar grabs my hands, flipping them palms up.

  “What?” I ask.

  He examines me. “Could you think of Nate while you were with him?”

  Shrugging, I say, “A little.”

  “Don’t believe his shit, Tracey. He was manipulating you.” Olar raises my left hand, showing me a bruise on the tip of my ring finger.

  “What the hell is that?” I snatch my hand from him, pressing my thumb against the painless spot.

  “He got to you, maybe while you were sleeping. At any point, did he touch your hands? Did you kiss him? Did you wake up wanting him?”

  I have no intentions of being that truthful with Olar. Finding a pin-size hole in my finger, I squeeze it, and we watch clear, puss-like fluid seep from the opening.

  “Eww. Does that hurt?”

  Wincing, I stop squeezing it. “It does.” I hand my finger over. “Do it.”

  His upper lip curls. He takes my hand. “It’s going to hurt if I do it.”

  “I know. But I don’t care. I don’t want any more of him in me. I know that’s why it was so easy for me to fall for his crap and me to. . .” I stop myself. “Just do it.”

  Olar starts at the crux of my arm and pushes downward, toward my hand. I grit my teeth, holding back my scream. Fisting his shirt, I bury my face in his back, wishing it’d be over soon. I feel my finger leaking and the more pain I experience, the angrier I get. A drop of black leaks out with the clear liquid and Olar finally stops forcing the fluid from the small hole in my finger.

  “Dammit, Tracey. He must’ve put that in you hours ago.”

  “That mustard seed-sized drop of that black stuff is what you were looking for?” I ask, shaking out my hand. My entire arm hurts.

  “Yes. We had to get the little bit out or who knows what will happen. I saw you kiss him.” He admits. “Nate won’t know until you’re around him. Because of the influence, Roehl was able to cut him off. That’s why I came to look for you when Glen and I didn’t find you in your room. You have to fight this, Tracey. Don’t let Roehl get too close, don’t let him manipulate you. Fight it for you and Nathan.”

  “Olar. I swear I thought I was trying. I thought I was fighting it, but every time I think I’m doing this right, I find out I’m getting deeper and deeper. What makes it worse is that I’m starting not to care about Nathan. I mean, I care about Nathan when I’m with Nathan and hate Roehl. But when I’m with Roehl, I care about hurting Nathan, but I don’t mind it.” I sigh, throwing my head back. “I wish I could easily figure this out,” I say to the moon. “I wish this never happened to me.” I hate this whole thing. I hate this life I’d chosen my way into, I hate this battle I can’t understand, and I hate Nathan has been gone all day and every time it seems like he cares he shows he doesn’t. “I hate it all.”

  “Come on. Let me drop you and Glen off at your house. I’m sure Nate will come around later. He’s just gotta work some stuff out in his head. He doesn’t want to come down on you for some shit you can’t control. Just keep trying to control it. When you say fuck it, that’s when you’re screwed. The truth is, Roehl’s just going to use you to get to Nathan. There isn’t anything you can do or give to him but your mate. None of us know what he wants with him, we’re all sure he doesn’t want to kill him, which confuses all of us. He’s fucking obsessed with Nate. And Tracey, I guarantee you, if it means stealing you away to get Nathan to come after you, he’ll do that. He’ll feed you every lie, and even make Nate seem like the bad guy. Just remember, Nate’s your mate; you know him better than anyone. Never let anyone change your mind about your mate.”

  My parents greet Glen and me when we walk into my house. I go straight to my room ignoring them. Glen follows after me, saying, “Hello,” to them.

  I throw myself onto my bed and let it all go, crying my life away into my Nathan scented pillow and wrapping me in my Nathan scented sheets. Glen says nothing. I only hear the door close and the TV. It hurts, the burden of this man messing up my life. I’m torn in threes; a piece for me, a piece for Nathan, and the third for Roehl. I’d be ashamed, but. . . It’s complicated.

  Sparks. How could you? Nathan’s voice comes softly. You promised. I needed a small break. I stepped away just for a couple of hours, and you go making out with another guy! Telling your personal shit you haven’t even built up to tell me yet! He fucking manipulated you, and you’re mad at me for being gone?! If you choose to leave with him, Tracey. I’ll have to let you go. You know that right? If you decide you’re going to fall for his shit, there’s nothing I can do.

  Nate?

  No! I told you this shit would happen. I told you everything about this was a bad fucking idea. And now, I’m literally battling for your love! You’re right, dammit! This isn’t some fucking love triangle! It’s a single dot, baby. You at my back or me at yours! You’re supposed to be fighting his shit, Sparks. And you’re making promises to leave me?

  You let me go, Nathan.

  It’s not happened, Sparks! How could I let you go? Remember when I said he’ll be able to latch on to you? He used your ability against you and manipulated the shit out of it, and you fell for his shit.

  I’m not doing this on purpose! He was honest.

  Fine, Sparks. I’m. . . I’m. . . Fuck it.

  I WAKE UP WARM to a dimly lit sky.

  “Are you going back to sleep or staying awake?” Nathan utters.

  I blink. “Why?” The word spits out with more attitude than I intended. Even with him here, I can’t find my peace. What a cruel world to play such a trick on a broken girl.

  “So I can leave and come back to pick you two up for school.”

  I look around my room, spotting Glen sleeping on my chaise. She looks peaceful. “Leave, Nathan. We don’t need you. I can drive us to school.”

  “Let me drive you to school, Sparks.”

  Rolling my eyes, I give. “Just let me know when y
ou’re outside.”

  He sits up behind me, and I refuse to face him. He gets up from my bed and stands in front of me. “I’ll see you in a little bit,” he says and lays a kiss on my forehead.

  Glen’s annoying alarm sounds. She jumps up, turning it off. Our eyes meet, and she asks, “You feel better today?”

  “Don’t talk to me,” I snap. Sighing, I climb out of bed. I know that was mean, but I just want to be left alone.

  When I come out of the shower, she gets in. We get ready for school and meet my parents downstairs. They speak, and I respond in a way that seems I didn’t want to. And I didn’t, but I don’t mean to come off as a bitch either.

  Ten minutes later, Nathan’s letting me know he’s outside.

  I guess I’m not surprised to see Scott absent, and I don’t know if I should take that as him saying to hell with it, or him giving Glen the space for which she’d asked.

  We drive the fifteen minutes to school in silence. Glen’s jumping out of the car before Nathan can get in the parking spot. Nathan shifts the car in park, and I adjust to get out. His firm grasp wraps around my free arm, stopping me. Reluctantly, I sit back against the seat, irritably sighing. Nathan’s gaze burns a hole through the side of my head.

  I refuse to glance over at him.

  “Fuck it. Go ahead and get out, Sparks. I’ll pick you up after.”

  SCHOOL IS AWKWARD. GLEN avoids Scott the best she can. It isn’t easy considering they had their classes changed. Neither of them speaks to each other, though they steal frequent glances.

  Throughout the day, I try to keep my mind blank. It’s a futile effort and results to me spending most of my school day sticking to myself. It’s better than me being a bitch to everyone, because what I’d prefer to say is fuck off. But me being angry at the world isn’t solving my problem. I’d just be forcing everyone to join my misery party, and that’s not fair.

  Going through this day worked up has my hands shaking and the black vines making appearances. I know someone has probably seen them. As I feel them pop up, I do my best to make them go away.