The Courage To Be Disliked

by Fumitake Koga

  YOUTH: What way is that?

  PHILOSOPHER: It’s to act as if one is indeed superior, and to indulge in a fabricated feeling of superiority.

  YOUTH: A fabricated feeling of superiority?

  PHILOSOPHER: A familiar example would be ‘giving authority’.

  YOUTH: What does that mean?

  PHILOSOPHER: One makes a show of being on good terms with a powerful person (broadly speaking—it could be anyone from the leader of your school class to a famous celebrity). And by doing that, one lets it be known that one is special. Behaviours like misrepresenting one’s work experience or excessive allegiance to particular brands of clothing are forms of giving authority, and probably also have aspects of the superiority complex. In each case, it isn’t that the ‘I’ is actually superior or special. It is only that one is making the ‘I’ look superior by linking it to authority. In short, it’s a fabricated feeling of superiority.

  YOUTH: And at the base of that, there is an intense feeling of inferiority?

  PHILOSOPHER: Of course. I don’t know much about fashion, but I think it’s advisable to think of people who wear rings with rubies and emeralds on all their fingers as having issues with feelings of inferiority, rather than issues of aesthetic sensibility. In other words, they have signs of a superiority complex.

  YOUTH: Right.

  PHILOSOPHER: But those who make themselves look bigger on borrowed power are essentially living according to other people’s value systems—they are living other people’s lives. This is a point that must be emphasised.

  YOUTH: So, a superiority complex. That’s a very interesting psychology. Can you give me a different example?

  PHILOSOPHER: There’s the kind of person who likes to boast about his achievements. Someone who clings to his past glory, and is always recounting memories of the time when his light shone brightest. Maybe you know some people like this. All such people can be said to have superiority complexes.

  YOUTH: The kind of man who boasts about his achievements? Yes, it is an arrogant attitude, but he can boast because he actually is superior. You can’t call that a fabricated feeling of superiority.

  PHILOSOPHER: Ah, but you are wrong. Those who go so far as to boast about things out loud actually have no confidence in themselves. As Adler clearly indicates, ‘The one who boasts does so only out of a feeling of inferiority.’

  YOUTH: You’re saying that boasting is an inverted feeling of inferiority?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. If one really has confidence in oneself, one doesn’t feel the need to boast. It’s because one’s feeling of inferiority is strong that one boasts. One feels the need to flaunt one’s superiority all the more. There’s the fear that if one doesn’t do that, not a single person will accept one ‘the way I am’. This is a full-blown superiority complex.

  YOUTH: So, though one would think from the sound of the words that inferiority complex and superiority complex were polar opposites, in actuality they border on each other?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes, they are clearly connected. Now, there is one last example I’d like to give, a complex example that deals with boasting. It is a pattern leading to a particular feeling of superiority that manifests due to the feeling of inferiority itself becoming intensified. Concretely speaking, it’s bragging about one’s own misfortune.

  YOUTH: Bragging about one’s own misfortune?

  PHILOSOPHER: The person who assumes a boasting manner when talking about his upbringing and the like; the various misfortunes that have rained down upon him. If someone should try to comfort this person, or suggest some change be made, he’ll refuse the helping hand by saying, ‘You don’t understand how I feel.’

  YOUTH: Well, there are people like that, but …

  PHILOSOPHER: Such people try to make themselves ‘special’ by way of their experience of misfortune, and with the single fact of their misfortune try to place themselves above others. Take the fact that I am short, for instance. Let’s say that kind-hearted people come up to me and say, ‘It’s nothing to worry about,’ or ‘Such things have nothing to do with human values.’ Now, if I were to reject them and say, ‘You think you know what short people go through, huh?’, no one would say a thing to me anymore. I’m sure that everyone around me would start treating me just as if I were a boil about to burst, and would handle me very carefully—or, should I say, circumspectly.

  YOUTH: Absolutely true.

  PHILOSOPHER: By doing that, my position becomes superior to other people’s, and I can become special. Quite a few people try to be a ‘special being’ by adopting this kind of attitude when they are sick or injured, or suffering the mental anguish of heartbreak.

  YOUTH: So, they reveal their feeling of inferiority, and use it to their advantage?

  PHILOSOPHER: Yes. They use their misfortune to their advantage, and try to control the other party with it. By declaring how unfortunate they are and how much they have suffered, they are trying to worry the people around them (their family and friends, for example), and to restrict their speech and behaviour, and control them. The people I was talking about at the very beginning, who shut themselves up in their rooms, frequently indulge in feelings of superiority that use misfortune to their advantage. So much so that Adler himself pointed out, ‘In our culture weakness can be quite strong and powerful.’

  YOUTH: So, weakness is powerful?

  PHILOSOPHER: Adler says, ‘In fact, if we were to ask ourselves who is the strongest person in our culture, the logical answer would be the baby. The baby rules and cannot be dominated.’ The baby rules over the adults with his weakness. And it is because of this weakness that no one can control him.

  YOUTH: I’ve never encountered that viewpoint.

  PHILOSOPHER: Of course, the words of the person who has been hurt—‘You don’t understand how I feel’—are likely to contain a certain degree of truth. Completely understanding the feelings of the person who is suffering is something that no one is capable of. But as long as one continues to use one’s misfortune to one’s advantage in order to be ‘special’, one will always need that misfortune.

  The youth and philosopher had now covered a series of discussion topics: the feeling of inferiority, the inferiority complex, and the superiority complex. Psychology keywords though they clearly were, the truths they contained differed greatly from the youth’s imagined meanings. Still, something didn’t feel right to him, somehow. What is it about all this that I’m having a hard time accepting? Well, it must be the introductory part, the premise, that is giving me doubts. The youth calmly opened his mouth to speak.

  LIFE IS NOT A COMPETITION

  YOUTH: But, I guess I still don’t really get it.

  PHILOSOPHER: Okay, ask me anything you like.

  YOUTH: Adler recognises that the pursuit of superiority—one’s trying to be a more superior being—is a universal desire, doesn’t he? On the other hand, he’s striking a note of warning with regard to excessive feelings of inferiority and superiority. It’d be easy to understand if he could renounce the pursuit of superiority—then I could accept it. What are we supposed to do?

  PHILOSOPHER: Think about it this way. When we refer to the pursuit of superiority, there’s a tendency to think of it as the desire to try to be superior to other people; as the desire to climb higher, even if it means kicking others down—you know, the image of ascending a stairway and pushing people out of the way to get to the top. Adler does not uphold such attitudes, of course. Rather, he’s saying that on the same level playing field, there are people who are moving forward, and there are people who are moving forward behind them. Keep that image in mind. Though the distance covered and the speed of walking differ, everyone is walking equally in the same flat place. The pursuit of superiority is the mindset of taking a single step forward on one’s own feet, not the mindset of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people.

  YOUTH: So, life is not a competition?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. It
’s enough to just keep moving in a forward direction, without competing with anyone. And, of course, there is no need to compare oneself with others.

  YOUTH: No, that’s impossible. We’ll always compare ourselves to other people, no matter what. That’s exactly where our feeling of inferiority comes from, isn’t it?

  PHILOSOPHER: A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others, but from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.

  YOUTH: But …

  PHILOSOPHER: Look, all of us are different. Gender, age, knowledge, experience, appearance—no two of us are exactly the same. Let’s acknowledge in a positive manner the fact that other people are different from us. And that we are not the same, but we are equal.

  YOUTH: We are not the same, but we are equal?

  PHILOSOPHER: That’s right. Everyone is different. Don’t mix up that difference with good and bad, and superior and inferior. Whatever differences we may have, we are all equal.

  YOUTH: No distinction of rank for people. Idealistically speaking, I suppose so. But aren’t we trying to have an honest discussion about reality, now? Would you really say, for instance, that I, an adult, and a child who is still struggling with his arithmetic, are equal?

  PHILOSOPHER: In terms of the amount of knowledge and experience, and then the amount of responsibility that can be taken, there are bound to be differences. The child might not be able to tie his shoes properly, or figure out complicated mathematical equations, or be able to take the same degree of responsibility as an adult when problems arise. However, such things shouldn’t have anything to do with human values. My answer is the same. Human beings are all equal, but not the same.

  YOUTH: Then, are you saying that a child should be treated like a full-grown adult?

  PHILOSOPHER: No, instead of treating the child like an adult, or like a child, one must treat them like a human being. One interacts with the child with sincerity, as another human being just like oneself.

  YOUTH: Let’s change the question. All people are equal. They’re on the same level playing field. But actually, there’s a disparity here, isn’t there? Those who move forward are superior, and those who pursue them from behind are inferior. So, we end up at the problem of superior and inferior, don’t we?

  PHILOSOPHER: No, we do not. It does not matter if one is trying to walk in front of others or walk behind them. It is as if we are moving through a flat space that has no vertical axis. We do not walk in order to compete with someone. It is in trying to progress past who one is now that there is value.

  YOUTH: Have you become free from all forms of competition?

  PHILOSOPHER: Of course. I do not think about gaining status or honour, and I live my life as an outsider philosopher without any connection whatsoever to worldly competition.

  YOUTH: Does that mean you dropped out of competition? That you somehow accepted defeat?

  PHILOSOPHER: No. I withdrew from places that are preoccupied with winning and losing. When one is trying to be oneself, competition will inevitably get in the way.

  YOUTH: No way! That’s a tired-out old man’s argument. Young folks like me have to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps amid the tension of competition. It’s because I don’t have a rival running alongside me that I can’t outdo myself. What’s wrong with thinking of interpersonal relationships as competitive?

  PHILOSOPHER: If that rival was someone you could call a comrade, it’s possible that it would lead to self-improvement. But, in many cases, a competitor will not be your comrade.

  YOUTH: Meaning what, exactly?

  YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE WORRYING ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE

  PHILOSOPHER: Let’s tie up the loose ends. At the outset, you expressed dissatisfaction with Adler’s definition that all problems are interpersonal relationship problems, right? That was the basis for our discussion on feelings of inferiority.

  YOUTH: Yes, that’s correct. The subject of feelings of inferiority was too intense, and I was on the verge of forgetting that point. Why did you bring up the subject in the first place?

  PHILOSOPHER: It is connected with the subject of competition. Please remember that. If there is competition at the core of a person’s interpersonal relationships, he will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems or escape misfortune.

  YOUTH: Why not?

  PHILOSOPHER: Because at the end of a competition, there are winners and losers.

  YOUTH: It’s perfectly fine to have winners and losers!

  PHILOSOPHER: Give some thought to it then, if it were you, specifically, who had a consciousness of being in competition with the people around you. In your relations with them, you will have no choice but to be conscious of victory or defeat. Mr A got into this famous university, Mr B found work at that big company and Mr C has hooked up with such a nice-looking woman—and you’ll compare yourself to them and think, This is all I’ve got.

  YOUTH: Ha-ha. That’s pretty specific.

  PHILOSOPHER: When one is conscious of competition and victory and defeat, it is inevitable that feelings of inferiority will arise. Because one is constantly comparing oneself to others and thinking, I beat that person or I lost to that person. The inferiority complex and the superiority complex are extensions of that. Now, what kind of being do you think the other person is to you, at that point?

  YOUTH: I don’t know—a rival, I guess?

  PHILOSOPHER: No, not a mere rival. Before you know it, you start to see each and every person, everyone in the whole world, as your enemy.

  YOUTH: My enemy?

  PHILOSOPHER: You start to think that people are always looking down on you and treating you with scorn; that they’re all enemies who must never be underestimated, who lie in wait for any opening and attack at the drop of a hat. In short, that the world is a terrifying place.

  YOUTH: Enemies who must never be underestimated … That’s who I’m in competition with?

  PHILOSOPHER: This is what is so terrifying about competition. Even if you’re not a loser, even if you’re someone who keeps on winning, if you are someone who has placed himself in competition, you will never have a moment’s peace. You don’t want to be a loser. And you always have to keep on winning if you don’t want to be a loser. You can’t trust other people. The reason that so many people don’t really feel happy while they’re building up their success in the eyes of society is that they are living in competition. Because to them, the world is a perilous place that is overflowing with enemies.

  YOUTH: I suppose so, but …

  PHILOSOPHER: But do other people actually look at you so much? Are they really watching you around the clock, and lying in wait for the perfect moment to attack? It seems rather unlikely. A young friend of mine, when he was a teenager, used to spend a lot of time in front of the mirror arranging his hair. And once, when he was doing that, his grandmother said, ‘You’re the only one who’s worried how you look.’ He says that it got a bit easier for him to deal with life after that.

  YOUTH: Hey, that’s a dig at me, isn’t it? Sure, maybe I do see the people around me as enemies. I’m constantly in fear of being attacked, of the arrows that could come flying at me at any moment. I always think that I’m being watched by others, that I’m being subjected to harsh judgement, and that I’m going to be attacked. And it’s probably true that this is a self-conscious reaction, just like the mirror-obsessed teenager. The people of the world aren’t paying attention to me. Even if I were to go walking on my hands down the street, they’d take no notice! But, I don’t know. Are you saying, after all, that my feeling of inferiority is something that I chose; that has some sort of goal? That just doesn’t make any sense to me.

  PHILOSOPHER: And why is that?

  YOUTH: I have a brother who is three years older than I am. He fits the classic image of the big brother—he always does what our parents say, he excels in his studies and in sports, and he’s the very picture of diligence. And from the time I was little, I was always comp
ared to him. He is older and more advanced, so of course I could never beat him at anything. Our parents did not care at all about such circumstances, and never gave me any sign of recognition. Whatever I did, I got treated like a child, and I was berated at every opportunity and told to be quiet. I learned to keep my feelings to myself. I’ve lived my life totally steeped in feelings of inferiority, and I had no choice but to be conscious of being in competition with my brother!

  PHILOSOPHER: I see.

  YOUTH: Sometimes I think of it like this: I’m like a gourd that grew without getting enough sun. So, it is only natural that I’m all twisted up with feelings of inferiority. If there’s anyone who could grow straight in such a situation, well, I’d love to meet them!

  PHILOSOPHER: I understand. I really do understand how you feel. Now, let’s look at ‘competition’ while taking into consideration your relationship with your brother. If you didn’t think with a competition orientation, with regard to your brother and your other interpersonal relationships, how would people seem to you?

  YOUTH: Well, my brother is my brother, and I guess other people are another story.

  PHILOSOPHER: No, they should become more positive comrades.

  YOUTH: Comrades?

  PHILOSOPHER: Earlier, didn’t you say, ‘I can’t celebrate other people’s happiness with all my heart’? You think of interpersonal relationships as competition; you perceive other people’s happiness as ‘my defeat’, and that is why you can’t celebrate it. However, once one is released from the schema of competition, the need to triumph over someone disappears. One is also released from the fear that says, Maybe I will lose. And one becomes able to celebrate other people’s happiness with all one’s heart. One may become able to contribute actively to other people’s happiness. The person who always has the will to help another in times of need—that is someone who may properly be called your comrade.