There She Goes

by M. B. Feeney

  “Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted is the most terrible poverty.”

  Mother Theresa

  Please note, while this story is completely fictional, some of the themes are very real.

  If you are affected by any of them, please see the back of the book for some useful phone numbers and websites that will allow you to speak to someone.

  Please, don’t go through anything alone.

  Contents

  Part I

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Epilogue

  Part II

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Epilogue

  Talk to Someone

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Her Other Works

  Where There’s a Will

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Copyright © 2019 M.B. Feeney

  All rights reserved.

  Published by M.B. Feeney

  The right of M.B. Feeney to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her under the Copyright Amendment (Moral Rights) Act 2000.

  License Notes: This novel is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This print may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author. This book is a work of fiction and any resemblance to persons, living or dead, or places, events or locales is purely coincidental.

  The characters are productions of the author’s imagination and used fictitiously. This work is copyright. Apart from any use as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be reproduced, copied, scanned, stored in a retrieval system, recorded or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

  All similarities to names, places, and events are purely coincidental.

  COVER DESIGN BY: © TAMMY CLARKE

  COVER ART: © Formatting by Tammy

  If you have ever felt completely alone, even if just for a minute, through no fault or choice of your own.

  This one is for you.

  There is always someone there for you, even if you can’t quite reach them yet.

  Now

  All she ever wanted was love, to fit in, to be accepted once more. All they ever did was made her a joke and feel guilt over something she’d had little choice in.

  Well, the joke was on them. They’d soon realise how much words hurt and learn the consequences of their actions.

  She didn’t want to do it, not really, but there was no other way out. Out of her very own personal hell. Well, there was one, a way she’d considered briefly, but she was too scared to do that; however, it was filed away for a last resort if needed. Hopefully, it would never be an option.

  Fifteen-year old Sophie Michelle Jennison has gone missing from the West London Area. She is about five feet two tall, has long brown hair with a ‘side shave’, and was last seen wearing dark blue skinny jeans, a white vest top, a black zip up hoodie, and black and white Converse style trainers. She attended morning lessons at the Prince’s Drive Academy on 13 July 2015 but has not been seen since after lunch. If you have any information of her whereabouts, or see her, please contact the incident room on 020 7222 4434.

  The warm sea air blew the hair off her face as she sat on the pebbles looking out at the waves. Her heart rate had finally slowed enough to allow her to breathe properly. She had been on edge for the entire train journey, half expecting a police officer to approach her and escort her off the train and back into hell; but it hadn’t happened, and she was free. For the first time in a long time, she’d been able to sleep for the entire night; no texts or emails thanks to the new sim card she’d put into her phone. Almost twenty-four hours had passed since she’d been called a horrible name or propositioned by one of the boys at school.

  How long it would last, Sophie had no idea, but she didn’t care. It was time to relish being away from everyone and everything that had hurt her for so long. A couple of days, a week at the most, to be free from the ridicule and the constant snide comments.

  Taking in a deep breath, allowing the stress of the last six months begin to wash away, Sophie stood and went in search of food. Once she’d got some, she returned to the bed and breakfast she had been able to book a room at without any questions.

  Then

  “If you loved me, you’d sleep with me.”

  Stuart held me in his arms, rubbing the bare skin on my back with his fingertips. I could feel his arousal pressing against my backside as I sat on his lap, my legs either side of his narrow hips.

  “I don’t think I’m ready Stu, we’ve only been together for a couple of months.” I tried to move off his lap; he just tightened his hold on me and nuzzled my neck.

  “Babe, of course you are. You’ve let me touch you and your body reacts to me in the best way. I promise it won’t hurt; I’ll make you feel amazing.” He continued to kiss my neck as he worked his hands under my bra. “Plus, all your friends have done it. You’re missing out.”

  I couldn’t deny how much I enjoyed how he made me feel. As he teased me, I thought about my best friend Katie and how she had already slept with her boyfriend, Gavin earlier in the year. She’d told me all about it and how wonderful it was, and she wasn’t the only one of my friends who’d informed me they’d finally gone that extra step.

  “Can you feel how turned on you make me?” Stuart asked, pushing his erection into me. “I love you, and I just want to make you, both of us, feel good. I’ll take my time to make sure you don’t get hurt.”

  Feeling how my body was reacting to him, I looked him straight in the eye, the green shining like highly polished jade. While I was hesitant, I still wanted to know how it felt to have someone love me and to make me feel good.

  “Okay then…” I hated the quiver of fear in my voice, but Stuart didn’t seem to notice, or he mistook it for desire.

  Stuart Hill, at twenty, was older than me, and so much more experienced. He was careful not to hurt me and made sure I felt good; and I really did feel good. It wasn’t the fireworks and earth moving experience I’d been led to believe from books, films, and magazines, but I did feel good. The best thing for me was the closeness it brought between Stuart and I; the cuddling, feeling safe and loved, and the soft kisses made up for the slight let down. I assumed it would get better and easier after a couple more times, but a week after I had lost my virginity, he dumped me. He informed me that he wasn’t ready for a full-on relationship, and he needed some time to be single.

  “In other words, he got what he wanted, and wants to be able to shag around.” Katie was furious when I told her. “How fucking dare he treat you like that?”

  I watched her as she paced around my bedroom, fury in her eyes.

  “Katie, it’s fine. I should have seen it coming. What twenty-year old would want to be with me? I’m only fifteen. There’s nothing I can do about it now.”

  “You should be doing something though, make him pay.” Katie Thomas, my best friend and biggest supporter. It was no surprise she wanted me to get revenge in some way.

&nb
sp; “And how am I supposed to do that? All it’ll do is make me look petty and desperate.”

  I wasn’t being completely honest with her; I was putting on a front. Inside, I was crushed by Stuart’s dismissal of me, and knowing he had only wanted one thing from me made me feel dirty and violated. I was never going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much he’d hurt me and abused my trust.

  “But he chased after you for ages. You need to get back at him, big time.” Katie was getting close to shouting.

  “Shut up or my mum will hear you.” She stopped pacing and sat down next to me on my bed. “Look, I’m not going to do anything. I’m not the first girl to get dumped after giving it up for some boy, and I won’t be the last. I just want to move on and forget e ever existed.”

  “But-”

  “Katie, no. Promise me you’ll just let it drop.”

  It took her almost ten minutes to agree. I loved her for her loyalty and support, but I needed this whole thing to go away. If I tried to get back at him in some way, people would find out and I didn’t want my friends to think I was easy considering Stuart and I hadn’t been together for that long. Also, I just wanted to forget about it all and get on with my life.

  “Let’s just forget the whole thing happened. You’ll find a boyfriend who deserves you, and you can be happy.” Her grin was wide as I rolled my eyes. Katie was one of those girls who thought they needed a boyfriend to be happy. I wasn’t fussed either way.

  I stopped going to the youth centre on the estate for a couple of weeks after losing my virginity to Stuart, because he worked there. No one other than Katie knew that we were even together, but I didn’t want to give it away by going and giving into temptation to kick him in the nuts in front of everyone.

  When I did get up the guts to go back, he completely blanked me when I walked in as he sat chatting up a blonde girl who was in the year above me at school.

  “You know. He can be sacked for all that.” Katie waved her hand in Stu’s general direction. “And for… you know.” She dropped her voice to a whisper that wasn’t actually much of a whisper.

  “Just leave it alone Katie. Let’s play table tennis.” I walked across the huge building to where Katie’s boyfriend Gavin Long and his best friend Mark Coyle were setting up the two tables.

  The entire evening was uncomfortable as I could see Stuart flirting with a couple of the girls. As much as I tried to ignore it, it bothered me more than I thought it would. I clearly wasn’t over him even though I acted like I was.

  At the end of the night, Katie and I gathered our stuff to leave. We made our way outside with Gavin and Mark; Stuart was by the door, waiting to lock up for the night.

  “Great to see you again Sophie. We’ve all missed you the last couple of weeks.”

  My heart jumped into my throat at his voice, but I didn’t say anything in return. Just hearing him speak made me feel ill, and more than a little embarrassed that I’d been taken in by him. I turned to look at him, but almost threw up at the smile on his face, the one that I’d never really noticed didn’t reach his eyes; the one I’d thought was special for me. I could tell Katie wanted to say something, so I grabbed her arm and yanked her away from him and down the path towards our block of flats.

  “Why didn’t you let me say anything?” She whispered furiously, making sure Gavin and Mark couldn’t hear her.

  “Because it’s not worth it.” She opened her mouth to say something back, but I cut her off. “Just drop it, okay?”

  “Urgh, fine.”

  Every time I went to the youth centre, Stuart was chatting up a new girl. It made me feel sick watching him fawn all over them, and a couple of times I had to rush to the toilet because I thought I was going to throw up. More than anything, I wanted to curl up in bed and mope, but I didn’t want him knowing how much he had hurt me. Every time he made a snide comment when no one could hear or was overtly pleasant in front of the other staff, I just blanked him. It was the only way I could cope, especially as I was feeling so rotten.

  “Tell your mum to take you to the doctor if you’re feeling that bad.” Katie spoke round her lunch as we sat in the school cafeteria.

  “She’s too busy with the twins.”

  I was the oldest of four kids. My brother Jake was twelve, and the twins, Maisie and Elsie, were almost three. I loved those two as if I was their mum, but ever since they’d been born, mum had pretty much left me and Jake to fend for ourselves. Considering mine and Jake’s dad had left, and the twins dad was a waste of space, she was stuck doing it all on her own.

  Jake was on the school rugby team, so spent most of his time either at training or at matches. Which left me either at youth club, Katie’s house, or in my room doing homework.

  “Can you go and get an appointment on your own? I mean, you’re fifteen. It’s something you can do on your own, right?”

  “I guess so. I’ll pop in on my way home from school tomorrow.”

  Feeling nauseous, I left youth club early and went home to crawl into bed.

  Flicking through my diary, making sure I was up to date with my homework wasn’t the best use of a Saturday morning most teenagers would argue, but I didn’t feel up to getting out of bed. Every time I attempted to stand up, a dizzy feeling would wash over me, and I felt bile in my throat.

  I ticked off the homework I’d already handed in and double checked the bits I still needed to do. Noticing a date that was circled, I flipped through the pages until I found another.

  My heart leapt into my throat and I ran to the bathroom to throw up. Once I’d finished, I rinsed my mouth out and went back to my room to crawl back into bed. With shaking hands, I picked up my phone and called Katie.

  “Hey, did you go to the doctor yet?” She asked without letting me respond to her greeting.

  “No, not yet.” My voice was quivering a little. “But I definitely need to go.”

  “You okay?”

  I couldn’t help but burst into tears at her question.

  “I’m coming right over.”

  “Can you stop off and buy a pregnancy test, please?”

  All I heard was a gasp of shock before she hung up, ending the call.

  Now

  Sophie walked along the promenade, the warmth making her skin prickle with sweat under the black hoodie she wore. It had been almost a week since she’d made the split-second decision to pack up as much of her stuff she could in her battered backpack. Clothes, make-up, hair stuff, and her e-reader were her main concerns. She’d stood looking around her tiny bedroom at all the things she’d accumulated and realised she wouldn’t miss any of it.

  Writing the note to her mum was hard, but she didn’t want to leave without letting her mum know. Sophie knew her mum would worry, but as she was only going to be away for a few days─ a week at most, it wouldn’t be too bad.

  The morning in school was one of the worst in a long time. The whispers that weren’t really whispers, and the stares affected her more than they had in a while. She’d shaken as she walked through the corridors between her lessons, for the first time in a long time, scared of being physically attacked. No one had indicated that one was imminent, but there was a tension in the air, and it was escalating. She spent most of her time walking through the building with her head down and her headphones jammed into her ears. Lessons weren’t too bad thanks to a constant teacher presence, but some of the boys still managed to throw notes, graphically sexual notes, onto her table.

  By the time it was lunch, Sophie had come to the decision to just leave rather than wait until the end of the day. Thankfully, the school hadn’t yet stopped the kids leaving the grounds during their dinner break, so her walking through the front gates didn’t catch anyone’s attention─ at least no one in authority. Everything she did caught someone’s attention, and never for the right reasons whatever ‘right’ meant anymore.

  Walking along the street to the nearest train station, Sophie turned her music off, but kept the earbuds in her ear
s, listening for anyone following her. It wasn’t until she was on the tube heading into Central London, she felt she could begin to relax.

  About three hours later; it may have been longer, she couldn’t be sure, she stepped out of the main train station in Brighton feeling lighter and more at ease.

  Wandering around for almost two hours, she found a house on a dingy side street with a handwritten sign in the window offering rooms to rent. Thinking it would be easier to get a room there than any of the places by the seafront, she went inside.

  “How much are your rooms?” Sophie asked the woman who answered the door. Her grey hair and skin had a yellow tinge to them which was probably due to the cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth.

  “How long for?”

  “Three nights?” Sophie mentally calculated how much money she had in her purse. While the decision to leave that morning came out of nowhere, she’d been considering it for over six months and had been saving all her pocket money her mum gave her for babysitting the twins, and her cash-in-hand wages from her Saturday job in the little corner shop across the road from the flats. She’d managed to save up over one hundred pounds but knew it wouldn’t last long. As long as she had enough to travel back home in a few days, she’d be okay.