There She Goes

by M. B. Feeney

  “You on your own?” The woman looked behind Sophie as if looking for an adult or someone else.

  “Yes, just me.”

  The woman ran her eyes up and down Sophie, assessing her as she stood on the doorstep.

  “Come on in then.” Sophie followed her inside. It was clear the woman didn’t run an official bed and breakfast and was attempting to cash in on the upcoming summer holidays. “For three nights, you say?”

  “Yeah, please.” Sophie couldn’t help but cross her fingers in her hoodie pocket, hoping the woman wasn’t going to throw her out or turn into a crazy kidnapper type.

  “Well, because it’s not peak season yet, I’ll do you a deal and give you the small room for forty quid, but that don’t include any meals. My chef hasn’t started working yet.”

  Sophie doubted the woman had a chef at all and judging by the stale nicotine smell and stains all over the walls, she didn’t want to eat in the house anyway.

  “That’s fine.” She took her purse out of her bag and pulled two twenty-pound notes out without letting the woman see how much she had in it and handed them over. The woman shoved the notes into her pocket and indicated for Sophie to follow her into the kitchen She pulled a keyring off a rack on the wall by the back door.

  “Gold one’s for the front, silver for the back. Don’t make too much noise when you come and go. Your room’s upstairs, first on the right next to the bathroom.” Without another word, the woman left Sophie standing in the kitchen and went into what Sophie assumed was the front room, slamming the door shut behind her.

  With a relieved sigh, Sophie walked quietly up the stairs and found her room. It was a box room with only a single bed and a chest of drawers inside. The lamp on top of the drawers was crooked but worked.

  She dumped her bag on top of the bed, which looked clean enough, and sat next to it. The room wasn’t much, but it was only for a short while─ just enough time for Sophie to get her thoughts clear, and her mind back on track.

  She pulled her phone out of her pocket and looked at the black screen. It had been turned off since she’d left home, and she was too scared to turn it back on. Her finger hovered over the power button but didn’t press down. Grabbing her purse out of her bag and stowing it under the bed, Sophie walked back downstairs and outside, making sure she had the keys in her pocket.

  Walking slowly so she wouldn’t lose her bearings and end up not being able to find the house again, Sophie made her way back towards the train station in the hopes of finding a phone shop. Eventually, she spotted a small supermarket and walked inside. She bought herself something to eat and a pay as you go sim card for her phone. At least she’d be able to listen to her music without worrying about people phoning her and badgering her until she was ready to go back home. No longer was her music going to be a defence against vicious words being hurled at her; now she could enjoy her music for the sake of listening to a good song again.

  The three days she’d planned to stay had already turned into a week, and she was almost out of money. There wasn’t any one particular reason for her staying longer, she’d just enjoyed the freedom she’d had to walk around without having to look over her shoulder all the time. Joan, the woman whose house she was staying in had charged her another twenty-five pounds for the extra nights, sensing Sophie wasn’t made of money. She’d even provided her with a couple of hot evening meals, the two of them sitting alone in the living room, plates balanced on their laps as Joan watched her soaps.

  It seemed to Sophie that Joan lived there on her own and was glad of the company, but the woman still charged her money to stay.

  Looking out to sea, she fingered the phone in her hands, psyching herself up to make the call she’d been avoiding all day. Taking a deep breath, she turned it on and dialled her home number.

  Then

  My hands were shaking as I waited for mum to finish putting the twins to bed so I could speak to her. Jake was staying at a friend’s house, so we’d have the entire evening to ourselves to talk about the fact that I was pregnant. She wasn’t going to be happy about the fact, never mind my knowing for three weeks and not saying anything sooner.

  I’d gone to a family planning clinic in Hammersmith because I’d been too scared to speak to our GP, worried she would tell my mum. I was fifteen─ only just, and I’d had sex the grand total of once.

  Katie had been brilliant, helping me find a clinic not too close to home or school to try and prevent seeing anyone we knew. It worked, and I was able to speak to someone about the positive home test I’d done. The nurse I spoke to did another, just to make sure I’d not had a ‘false positive’ or something like that─ I couldn’t quite remember the details of our conversation. All I could think about was how angry mum was going to be with me, that I wasn’t paying full attention. When that one came back positive too, we sat down and worked out that I was about six to seven weeks pregnant judging by when my last period was.

  The shock hit me like a ten-ton truck, and I burst into tears. The nurse, Annie, gave me a box of tissues and put her arm around my shoulder. I didn’t even think they were allowed to do that. Once I calmed down, she went through what options were available to me, making sure I understood the consequences of each of them. She made another appointment for me for a week later and let me go home to think about everything we’d talked about.

  I’d been planning to tell mum the entire time, but the time was never right, and I chickened out every time I tried. I’m not sure how she never realised, my morning sickness was awful; well, all day sickness really. It would have been better if I was throwing up all the time, that had to be better than feeling sick all day every day. Maybe I’d manage to get a bit of a break and be able to eat something without my stomach churning the entire time.

  “Right, I think they’re both asleep.” Mum walked into the kitchen and lit a cigarette. She rarely smoked, but always had one once the twins were finally down for the night.

  “I made you a coffee.”

  I was creeping, and she knew it. Usually, mum had to bribe me to make her a hot drink with extra data on my phone or something like that, but here I was handing one over without any hassle or fuss.

  “I’m skint this week Soph, I’m sorry. Whatever you want to buy, you’ll have to wait another week.”

  “I don’t want money mum… I need to talk to you, but I want you to promise not to fly off the handle at me.” It wasn’t often mum lost her temper, but none of her kids had come home to tell her they were pregnant at fifteen and the ‘father’ was nowhere to be seen. Well, he was around, but… waste of space springs to mind— stronger words would be spoken if Katie was around. She wanted to be with me when I told mum, but I needed to do this on my own.

  “Why would I ‘fly off the handle’ at you? You never give me a reason to.” Mum’s words made a wave of guilt wash over me. She was right, I never ‘acted out’ or anything. I kept my head down, studied hard, and never broke my curfew. This bombshell was going to crush her.

  “Just promise me you’ll listen.”

  “Sophie, I’ll always listen to you, you know that.” Did I? It had been so long since the two of us could sit down and just talk… She was always busy with her part-time job and the twins, and I was always busy with homework. “Look, I can’t promise anything, but you’re scaring me. Please, tell me what’s wrong?”

  “I’m pregnant.”

  It took mum three hours of yelling and crying about how disappointed she was in me, about how she expected me to work hard at school and make more of my life, and most of all, about how she never wanted me to follow in her footsteps. At thirty-two, she’d only been seventeen when she’d had me.

  Eventually, she’d calmed down enough to ask me questions. I ended up telling her all about Stuart, without telling her exactly who he was, and how he’d talked me into sleeping with him, then dumping me. Hearing that made her furious, but not at me. She raged about useless men like Stuart and my dad, and how they should be made to pa
y for children they father. I managed to calm her down enough again to listen to me tell her about my visit to the clinic.

  “Well, we need to get you an appointment to speak to the doctor. Until then, you need to think about what you want to do; I’m not going to push you into making a decision you don’t want to make.”

  My tears started again as mum wrapped her arms around me held me tight, whispering that everything will work out for the best in the end. More than anything I wanted to believe her, but I couldn’t.

  Mum let me sleep in her bed, something I hadn’t done since I was at least six years old. She stroked my hair as I cried. Exhaustion finally took over me. Not before I realised mum was being so supportive of me, despite her initial anger and disappointment, and I crashed out with my head in her lap.

  The following morning, mum was straight on the phone to the doctor’s surgery. She managed to book me in that morning. While she rushed around, getting the twins ready after Jake left for school, I made sure I had my notes from the nurse at the clinic. My hands shook as I thought back over what both my mum and the nurse had said about my options. I was fifteen, I could just about look after myself, never mind a baby.

  I helped my mum out a lot with the twins, but she was the one who made all the decisions and did the adult stuff. There was no way I’d be capable of doing any of that.

  Sitting in the waiting room, I watched the other patients. There was a pregnant woman, her stomach huge, sitting with her husband… or partner… or whoever. They looked happy and both stroked her bulging tummy at different moments as they spoke quietly to each other. Feeling guilty for intruding on their happiness, I looked down at my own stomach and wondered if I could ever be that happy.

  Leaning over as mum watched the twins playing with the box of toys across the waiting room, I whispered in her ear.

  “I can’t have a baby. I’ll tell the doctor I want an abortion.”

  Now

  Wandering through the streets, Sophie struggled to prevent her tears from spilling down her face; phoning home had been a big mistake. Jake had answered, laughing, and in the background, it sounded like a party was happening. It was if they weren’t even missing her. She’d only been away for a week, and her family had moved on without her.

  The streets of Brighton, once away from the seafront, weren’t that different from the streets where she’d grown up, yet they held no familiarity. More than ever she wanted to check her Facebook and Twitter accounts but was scared to see even more people not realising she’d gone away for a while, or not even caring.

  She was tempted to message Katie, but as she hadn’t spoken to her best friend in almost three months, Sophie didn’t think it would be welcomed. They’d been friends for as long as Sophie could remember, but when the name calling got bad, Katie stopped standing up for Sophie and cut herself off from her best friend.

  Sophie walked back towards the beach in the hopes she could calm herself down enough to head back to Joan’s house

  Joan had been wonderful to her, but Sophie was starting to feel like she was intruding. While the older woman was still advertising vacancies, Sophie was quickly running out of money and wasn’t sure what she was going to do about it.

  Finding a space on the pebbled beach, Sophie sat and watched the sun setting over the sea. As it got darker, the noise around her changed, and soon got louder. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a group of people around her age lighting a fire on the stones. Once the bonfire was raging, music started playing, and their laughter began to float over to her.

  She knew she should leave, but she was fascinated by their carefree lifestyle. Trying to keep to the shadows, she sat with her arms around her knees and watched them. Jealousy coursed through her— it had been far too long since she’d been able to let go and enjoy herself the way these kids were.

  After a while, once the stony beach had become more than a little uncomfortable. Sophie checked the time on her phone; it wasn’t even ten in the evening. Sighing heavily, she decided to head back to Joan’s house, stopping off for a bag of chips on the way.

  “Hey, are you leaving already?” A male voice called over to her from the direction of the beach party. Turning to face the group, Sophie saw a guy who looked like Stuart jogging over to her. “Are you leaving already?”

  “What?” Sophie felt like an idiot, but she was confused as to why he was speaking to her.

  “Well, you’ve been sat there for hours watching us, and now you’re leaving without introducing yourself.” Now that he was closer, Sophie could see he looked nothing like Stuart, a fact she was thankful for. His hair was a dirty blond rather than deep brown, and his eyes were light blue instead of the jade green Sophie had fallen for.

  “I didn’t realise there was an open invitation.”

  “It’s a beach party. Not the most private of venues.” He took hold of her arm and started to lead her back towards the bonfire. “I’m Freddie by the way, Freddie Parkinson.”

  “Sophie.”

  Swaying as she walked, Sophie held onto Freddie’s arm for support. The sun was coming up, the brightness hurting her eyes, but she couldn’t quite bring herself to care. The hangover was going to be worth it when she finally got home to sleep, and it would remind her about the great night she’d had being able to forget who she was for a few hours.

  "Aren’t you glad you joined us now?” Freddie asked as he led her back to Joan’s house.

  “Well, I’m glad you didn’t give me a choice about joining you.” Sophie’s words were a little slurred, but not enough to make them completely unintelligible. “I had a great time, and it’s been a long time since I could say that.”

  Freddie stopped walking, leading Sophie to sit on a low wall, making sure she didn’t fall over.

  “That doesn’t sound good.”

  The softness to his voice made Sophie want to cry, but she fought it back as she looked up into his blue eyes.

  “It’s not, but it’s getting better.”

  “I hope that’s true. Now, let’s get you back home.” He pulled her back to her feet, laughing when she stumbled into him.

  “Home… I don’t even know if I have one anymore.” She mumbled against his chest, not sure if he even heard her.

  “Oh wow, we’ve gone from happy to maudlin. Time to get you in bed.”

  Finally, Sophie was able to find Joan’s house. Freddie pulled the key for the front door out of her jacket pocket and let the two of them in. Joan was sitting in the kitchen as they entered and jumped to her feet to help him get Sophie up to her room. Once they’d managed to get her into bed, Joan invited Freddie into the kitchen for a hot drink.

  “What happened? When she didn’t come back last night I started to worry, but she won’t give me her phone number.”

  “Nothing happened. Me and some friends had a beach party, and when I saw Sophie sat on her own, I invited her to join us. Nothing more, nothing less.”

  Joan looked at him, trying to work out if he was lying to her, but could only see honesty in his eyes.

  “Well, thank you for making sure she got back okay. I may not be related to, or even know her, but I can see she’s hurting, and is trying to hide from something… or someone.”

  “I never even thought to ask; after all, we only met last night. Guess I just assumed you were family or a friend, or something.”

  “I’d never seen that girl before she turned up at my door to rent a room.”

  Freddie was about to snap at her about charging a young girl in need for a roof over her head, but they heard a creak on the stairs. He grit his teeth and merely smiled at the woman.

  “I better go. I have to get home to crash for a couple of hours before I go to work.” Freddie stood and smiled at Sophie, standing on the stairs, who looked worse than she had when he’d helped her into bed twenty minutes before. “See you Sophie.”

  “Bye Freddie.”

  Joan stood in the doorway, watching as Sophie watched Freddie leave.

&
nbsp; Then

  Mum and Katie came with me to the clinic. I’d already been through the chats with the nurse and the doctor about whether I was doing the right thing. It felt like I was having to prove myself over and over. Finally, they accepted that I was making my choice for the right reasons rather than selfish ones. I wasn’t going to be one of those girls who used abortions or the morning after pill as a form of contraception. One day I would have kids and love them unconditionally, but now, at fifteen, I wasn’t mentally capable.

  “Miss Jennison. Sophie, if you’d like to come with me so we can get you ready for the procedure. Only one person can come with you I’m afraid.” The red-haired nurse smiled softly at me as I looked at mum and Katie, trying to work out who would be better with me.

  “I’ll wait here. You need your mum.” Katie pulled me into a tight hug, whispering in my ear. Grateful for not having to pick between them, I hugged her back before taking hold of my mum’s hand and following the nurse.

  Each step brought my nerves and fear closer to the surface, both threatening to explode out of me. As if she sensed how I was feeling, mum tightened her grip on my hand.

  “No one will judge you if you want to change your mind Soph.”

  “I don’t want to change my mind… It’s the right thing to do… I know it is; I’m just scared.” I hated the hesitancy in my words; it made me look like I was changing my mind when I wasn’t.

  “I know baby, I know. Just remember that I’m here for you, always.”

  It had taken her a while to stop being angry. I knew she wasn’t angry with me, not exactly. She was disappointed that I’d allowed Stuart─ not that I told her who I’d slept with, to talk me into having sex when it was clear I hadn’t been ready. Also, she was upset that I didn’t tell her sooner. Thankfully, beyond her initial anger and disappointment, she stood by me and my choices one hundred percent and didn’t judge me; not that she could considering she was seventeen when she’d had me and held my hand every step of the way.