There She Goes

by M. B. Feeney

  “That I’ll hurt you. They all think that my abortion was the same as murder, and now they have you wondering if I can hurt you in the same way I hurt that baby.”

  “I know you’ll never hurt me… not-”

  “Not what? Not intentionally?” I paced around my bedroom, anger bubbling inside me. “Seriously Katie, when have I ever hurt you?”

  “You haven’t, but…”

  “But what? Let me guess, you can’t be seen as being my friend so that everyone at school will stop sending you shitty messages.”

  Katie started to speak, but I held up my hand to stop her.

  “I get it, I do. Do what you have to do, protect yourself, but please don’t ever think I’ll hurt you when you know it’s complete bullshit.”

  “Sophie, please don’t.”

  “Don’t what? Don’t get upset because the best friend I’ve had in years is abandoning me when I need her the most? Well guess what, I don’t need you; with friends like you, who needs fucking enemies?”

  I walked away from her, out of my own bedroom, not wanting her to see the tears streaming down my face. I was on my own, once and for all. Katie was the last person I ever expected to turn on me, but she had.

  “There she goes, the baby killer with no friends.”

  “No one supports a slag who likes to kill babies.”

  “There she goes, who you meeting up with for a quick fuck now then Sophie?”

  “There she goes, fucking slag.”

  Now

  It took almost three months for Sophie and Joan to decorate the house, making it suitable for paying guests. Once that was done, Joan took the younger girl out shopping for new clothes. Sophie had been refusing to spend the money the older woman had given back to her, but the clothes she’d brought with her weren’t suitable for the changing weather.

  As they walked through the shopping centre, they chatted about their plans over the next few months to get the bed and breakfast ready for the following summer. Joan watched Sophie as she talked animatedly, her blue eyes bright with excitement. The younger girl had changed so much since she’d turned up on the doorstep looking for somewhere to stay; not just physically either. Her harshly cut and bleached hair was now a honey blonde bob, and her figure had filled out from the painfully thin to almost curvy. She smiled more, and her personality was shining through during their conversations. As far as Joan was concerned, Sophie was looking healthier and happier; and it suited her.

  Joan felt guilty about letting the girl stay without letting her family know she was safe at least, but she’d always wanted a daughter and had come to feel extremely fond of the teenager. A couple of times, Joan had asked Sophie if she’d consider contacting her family again, but the girl always shot her down with an emphatic no. She insisted that she didn’t need them because she was finally happy and felt accepted. Selfishly, Joan accepted her decision, fearing if she pushed her too hard to get in contact with someone, she’d end up running again. At least living at Joan’s, the older woman knew she was warm, fed, and safe. That was her biggest concern, keeping Sophie safe. Joan had made one proviso though; if she felt Sophie was in any danger or was getting into trouble, she reserved the right to contact either Sophie’s mother or the police. Letting her stay was involving herself in a police matter, and she wasn’t going to just let Sophie stay and not listen to any rules they decided on together.

  Sophie had become good friends with Freddie and his group of friends; they often came around to the bed and breakfast to help them with decorating. Joan suspected that more was going on between Sophie and Freddie than just a blossoming friendship but didn’t want to rock the boat now they were finally in a place of happy co-existence.

  “Have you got everything you need now?” She asked Sophie as they wandered around a clothes shop Joan couldn’t stand and wouldn’t normally enter.

  “Yeah, I’m all set. Why don’t you wait outside while I go and pay?”

  “Okay, I’ll meet you outside.”

  Sophie watched as Joan made her way through the shop with a small smile on her face. Ever since the failed phone call home, and Joan wanting to talk to her the day after she’d stayed on the beach all night with Freddie, she’d been scared Joan would make her leave. Thankfully, the older women had done the exact opposite and had taken Sophie into her home as family.

  As Sophie paid for her items, she thought about the bed and breakfast. It was so exciting, and she loved having something to keep her mind occupied. She actually missed going to school─ not the whole having crap shouted at her as she walked through the hallways between lessons, but the learning and other stuff. She’d briefly considered trying to get into one of the local secondary schools, but Joan reminded her that they would need to contact her old school and people would quickly find out who she was and where she’d come from.

  Taking her bag from the girl behind the counter, Sophie walked outside to find Joan sitting on a bench, cradling a cup of tea she must have bought while waiting.

  “Ready to go home?” she asked, startling Joan a little.

  “Yep, let’s go.”

  At Sophie’s insistence, Joan had broadband installed in the house. Free Wi-Fi was always a draw for prospective customers— or so the teen said. Joan was inclined to believe her; after all, she was middle-aged. What would she know?

  Once that was in place, Sophie sat for hours on the decrepit laptop she’d brought with her from home and researched into what licences they would need to officially open the bed and breakfast to paying guests. Joan was impressed at the research and her serious approach to it.

  Eventually, Sophie and Joan went to the local council offices and made a start on the many application forms they needed to complete.

  “I’d never have been able to manage this without you. Or afford it; you really are an amazing young woman and a fabulous bargain hunter,” Joan told Sophie as they sat in the kitchen eating dinner. Sophie had been able to furnish the rooms from charity shops and through ‘free to collector’ sites online, saving them so much money.

  “Of course you would. Maybe not as quickly, but you’d have got there in the end, I’m sure of it.”

  The two women grinned at each other until the doorbell rang.

  “That’ll be Freddie, we’re off out with the others, if that’s okay with you.” Sophie put her plate in the sink and straightened her top as she went to let her friend in.

  “Why wouldn’t it be? Just let me know if you’re going to be late so I can lock up before I go to bed.”

  “I’ll be home before then.” For the first time since she’d arrived, Sophie bent to place a kiss on the older woman’s cheek before skipping out of the house, a wide smile on her face.

  “Hey.” Freddie had waited by the front door, holding Sophie’s jacket.

  “Hey, what’s the plan then? Where are we meeting everyone?”

  Freddie scratched at his neck, a sheepish look on his face.

  “We’re… well, you see… we’re not meeting everyone. It’s just the two of us tonight.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Sophie wasn’t sure how to respond. She liked Freddie, more than she’d expected to, but was she ready for a relationship beyond being friends? She wasn’t sure but decided to go with the flow of the evening.

  “I hope you don’t mind. I know I should have checked with you first, but I wanted to surprise you.”

  “Well, I am surprised, and looking forward to the evening.” With a smile, she took hold of his arm and walked outside with him. “What brought this on anyway?” she asked as they walked down towards the waterfront.

  “Is it such a surprise that I wanted to spend time alone with you?” His voice was tinged with humour, and a touch of surprise.

  “A little I guess.”

  “Well, don’t be shocked. You’re a gorgeous girl and I love spending time with you.”

  Sophie stopped walking. When Freddie had spoken those words, she hadn’t heard his voice, she heard Stuart’
s and it panicked her.

  “Hey… Sophie, are you okay?” Freddie’s voice filtered through her memories of the time she’d spent with Stuart, and the aftermath of sleeping with him. “Obviously you’re not okay, you’re shaking. I’m taking you back home to Joan.”

  “No! Don’t take me there, I need to be outside for a while. I’m okay, honest.”

  He looked at her as if assessing whether to believe her.

  “I’m not sure…”

  “Freddie, I promise, I’ll be fine. You just reminded me of someone for a moment there, someone who hurt me.” As she said the words, she realised the impact they had on the boy stood next to her. “Shit, that’s not what I meant to say at all.”

  Taking hold of his hand, Sophie pulled Freddie to the first bench she saw on the promenade and sat down.

  “I’m going to tell you something, I just hope it won’t change your opinion of me.” Her voice quivered with a hint of fear at telling him the truth.

  “I doubt it will, but you don’t have to tell me anything.” Freddie held her hand tightly as she took a deep breath.”

  “Yes, yes I do.”

  Then

  “Why don’t you just drown yourself? You’re an evil bitch who doesn’t deserve to be alive. Why should you be able to get away with killing an innocent baby and still be walking and talking?”

  “Do everyone a favour and fuck off.”

  “I can’t stand knowing you’re in this world when people like you kill babies just because they’re a slag who didn’t use protection.”

  Just like the kids shouting stuff at me at school, I never told mum about the messages I was getting. I just deleted all social media apps from my phone and didn’t log in on the computer. If someone asked me why I’d not told my mum about the messages, I don’t think I could have given a definitive answer, but deep down I was overwhelmed by embarrassment. Embarrassed about being duped by Stuart, about getting pregnant and the abortion, but more than anything, embarrassed that I couldn’t deal with it myself. At fifteen, there wasn’t much I could have done, but felt as if I should have done something. I didn’t want mum thinking I wasn’t able to stand up for myself. It sounded stupid, and I knew it, but it was how I felt; I couldn’t help it. Also… maybe in some way, I actually deserved it, and what they were saying about me was true. Afterall, to so many people, abortion was murder.

  Somehow, and I suspected Katie was in the thick of it despite everything she’d said at the time, some of the kids at school got hold of my phone number and that’s when the texts started coming through. All from numbers I didn’t recognise, all saying pretty much the same thing.

  I’d seen articles online about cyber-bullying and how it was now a recognised crime, but still kept it to myself. More than anything, I just wanted it to go away without causing any more problems for my family. Jake seemed to be oblivious and was being left alone, but he was in a different campus of our secondary school. The kids in years seven to nine went to a lower school which was a couple of miles away from the upper school I attended. I was glad, because I didn’t want him thinking differently about me.

  It had been almost nine months since I’d gone through with the abortion, if I hadn’t, I’d most likely have a baby right now; I didn’t regret my choice; not exactly. Knowing I’d done it for the right reasons helped me justify it to myself, but I did often find myself wondering what would have happened if I had made a different choice. How I would have coped walking into school every day, my pregnancy becoming more and more prominent. How would the others have reacted to that? Would they still have called me names around school and online?

  Over the last few months, while things were really bad, I’d been saving up all the money I could. It wasn’t until recently that I realised why. Without making any definitive plans, I squirrelled away my clothes and the money in a large rucksack which was hidden in the back of my wardrobe.

  Mum kept asking me if she was okay, telling me I’d lost weight and looked ill. Guiltily, I made out it was exam stress. She was far too busy and after the abortion, she didn’t need me dumping even more problems on her. Since my time in the clinic, and the follow-up appointments, we’d never really spoken about it. She’d asked me who the father was a few times, but soon gave up once I’d made it clear that it didn’t matter who he was, and he wasn’t in the picture anymore.

  I hoped ignoring the entire situation would make it go away that bit faster, I just wish I’d been right.

  The day before I made the final decision to get away for a while, mum had lost her shit at Jake getting a detention for fighting. She’d ended up screaming at him for a full twenty minutes while the twins ran into their bedroom to hide. Jake ended up storming out and disappearing with his friends for a couple of hours, and mum had burst into tears. I knew mum didn’t mean it, but when she’d shouted at me for being useless and not helping her around the flat more, I was crushed. It felt as if life was crumbling around me and that my soul and love for life were slowly being crushed.

  Not responding to her, I locked myself in my bedroom and cried. I cried for the baby I’d aborted, cried for my lost friendships, but most of all, cried for myself. Just once, I wanted someone to notice things weren’t right and offer to help without having to explain what was wrong. The entire evening, I locked myself away, mum didn’t check on me once, but I heard her talking to Jake when he finally returned home. In some ways, that dismissal was what cemented my decision to leave, to get a break, and go where people didn’t know me or my past.

  “Don’t bother coming back to school, you’re not wanted. You’re a filthy whore.”

  “Your family hate you for what you did to that baby. Do them and everyone else a favour and just slit your wrists.”

  “I wouldn’t even bother with a note, no one cares.”

  Feeling hurt and angry at mum, I made the mistake of logging into my social media accounts. For a full ten minutes, notification after notification hammered hard informing me how much people hated me and what I had done. I knew I shouldn’t, but I sat and read every single one, no longer crying. A calm acceptance came over me as I read the hateful words, and realised I needed to leave.

  Shutting everything down, I shoved my beat-up laptop into the bag with my clothes and saved money. I found a notebook and wrote a note to mum and Jake.

  Dear Mum and Jake,

  This isn’t as hard to write as I thought it would be. Ever since that day ─ mum, you know the one, I’ve had to deal with not only hating myself but other people hating me.

  It’s too much and I need to be able to breathe. I’ll only be gone for a couple of days, and when I get back, I’ll explain properly.

  I love you

  Sophie.

  Sneaking out of the house wasn’t an issue. With the twins and Jake causing a ruckus over the bathroom, I was able to slip out at normal time and make my way to school without anyone noticing the extra bulk to my bag. I had wanted to go straight to the train station but knew if I didn’t at least show my face at school for half a day at the bare minimum, people would notice much sooner. As much as everyone seemed to hate me, they all wanted to know where I was.

  “Where are you off to, baby killer?”

  “There she goes, into hiding thinking we won’t find her.”

  “I see you, trying to hide. Don’t bother hiding, just fuck off somewhere else where we don’t have to see you.”

  By lunchtime, I couldn’t cope. It felt as if they knew what I was planning and were determined to make stuff ten times worse before I left. For the first time since the name calling had started, I hid away. In a dirty bathroom on the second floor I hid in a toilet cubicle and sobbed, for the first time in a long time, I felt completely alone. No mum, no Katie, no one.

  It was clear I would be better off away from everyone; with that fresh in my mind, I cleaned my face and walked out of the school without a glance behind me.

  Now

  Sophie watched, with pride, as Joan signed the last
of the papers which legally enabled her to have paying guests in her house which was now known as The Albatross Inn. Now that they were all legal, Sophie was going to get to work on their website in the hopes that it would help drum up business for them.

  Joan had decided to stay open all year round because, even though most of Brighton’s visitors came during the summer, there were plenty of places that were open year-round which attracted people to stay in the city. They had researched prices of similar sized places in and around the city and had priced their rooms accordingly. They didn’t have the draw of being waterfront, but the street was a quiet one with no pubs, bars, or clubs open until all hours. Joan hoped that would count for something, Sophie agreed.

  Joan stood in the doorway of the newly decorated and inviting dining room, watching Sophie tap away on her laptop. Never had she expected this girl who had once been underweight and scared to be her saviour. Up until she’d arrived, Joan was slowly losing her sense of self. She’d rarely gone outside and had only stuck the vacancy sign in the window in the hope of making a bit of extra money. Now she was about to open her doors legally, and the house looked beautiful again as it had when she first bought it.

  It had been almost six months since Sophie had shown up on her doorstep, and with Christmas fast approaching, Joan wanted to bring up the possibility of her contacting her family once more. She was still scared about pushing too hard, causing Sophie to feel as she was no longer welcome─ nothing could have been further from the truth, but Joan felt that she needed to try at least.

  Before she could say anything, the doorbell rang out.

  “Oh, first guests?” Sophie’s voice was full of excitement.

  “I doubt it love, the website’s not up yet, and we’re not listed on any of those booking sites you mentioned yet.”

  “Yes, but we have a sign.”