There She Goes

by M. B. Feeney

  And now we were here, the final destination. I was scared, even though I knew I was doing the right thing.

  Waking up disoriented had me in a panic. I wasn’t in my bedroom and everything smelt wrong. Sitting up wasn’t easy, but when I was upright, the first thing I saw was mum sitting in a blue plastic chair, reading a book.

  “Mum?” My voice startled her, and she dropped the ratty paperback.

  “Oh Soph, you’re awake.”

  I’d decided to have the… procedure under a general anaesthetic as I didn’t think I’d have been able to cope remaining awake knowing what was happening. As I moved in the bed, I could feel a little discomfort, but no real pain. That was bound to change once the anaesthetic wore off completely. The nurse had explained that I would feel some period-type pain for a couple of days, but beyond that, I should be okay.

  Knowing I was going to have to take another pregnancy test and have another meeting with the nurse in about a month’s time was nerve-wracking. What would happen next if it hadn’t worked?

  “Hey mum…” My voice trailed off because I couldn’t think of anything to say. I’d just had an abortion, were people expecting me to just spring back into normal life? Was I expecting that?

  “How are you feeling?” She stood up and walked over to me, her book abandoned on the floor.

  “I don’t know. There’s no pain if that’s what you’re worried about, but… I honestly don’t know how I feel. Not yet anyway.” I looked around the room. “Hey, where’s Katie?”

  “She had to go home. She wanted to stay, but she had homework to do.”

  I nodded, knowing how her mum was always on her back about getting her homework done on time, more than my mum ever did to me.

  “The doctor will be round to see you soon, then we can head home.”

  Naturally mum wanted to get home. The twins were with her sister, my aunt, and were probably trashing her house and driving her nuts.

  “Okay.” I snuggled back down into the bed, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep so I could stop mum watching me.

  “Soph… will you ever tell me who the boy was?”

  She’d asked me so many times about Stuart, but I’d refused to say anything. More than likely, my mother and some others in the family would have hunted him down and kicked seven bells of shit out of him. I may have hated him, but I didn’t want to see him hurt.

  “No, no I won’t.” I turned away

  While the abortion was on my mind a lot, it didn’t take me long to get back into the swing of normal life. The follow up pregnancy test had come back negative which assured everyone that the procedure had been successful. I hadn’t realised how worried I was about it not working until I saw the result on that little white stick. It was like I had got over a cold and could breathe properly again.

  The pain hadn’t been too bad, and mum had let the school know why I wasn’t going to be in for at least a week. I hadn’t wanted anyone knowing, but she insisted that the school were informed ‘just in case’.

  Going back into school, acting like nothing had happened was hard. Katie was beside me every step of the way; being her usual amazingly supportive self. Whenever anyone asked where I’d been, Katie stepped in and mentioned a bad case of tonsillitis. At one point, she even joked about an STD without thinking, but it made me laugh. She was very careful not to mention it again. The walking on eggshells was getting a little annoying, but it was nice having someone so supportive with me.

  A couple of teachers tried to have a chat with me, see how I was feeling, but I brushed them off and went about my business.

  I’d been back at school for almost six weeks the first time I heard it. I thought I’d been hearing things, as if paranoia was playing tricks on me, but it was repeated, clear as day.

  “There she goes. Baby killer.”

  One voice turned into a chorus, filling the lobby of the school. I did the first thing that came to mind. I ran.

  Now

  “Sophie, could I have a word?” Joan’s voice was soft as she called up the stairs having heard Sophie moving around in her room.

  “Let me just grab a shower, and I’ll be right down.”

  “Okay. I’ll make a drink for us.”

  Joan pottered around the now tidy kitchen as she wiped down the worktops again and made a pot of tea. She felt nervous about the conversation she was about to have with the young, scared girl upstairs.

  She sat at the table, clutching an envelope tight in her hand as she listened to Sophie moving around upstairs. For the past week, she’d spent her evenings with the teenager, chatting about life in general. It wasn’t until Sophie had spent the entire night on the beach a couple of days ago, that she was able to spend time alone in the house, watching television. In such a short space of time, she’d grown accustomed to having the girl around and found she enjoyed the company.

  “Everything okay Joan?” Sophie’s voice interrupted the older woman’s thoughts as she walked into the kitchen with her hair wrapped in a towel, the only indication that she’d had a shower.

  “Take a seat, I’ll pour you a cup.”

  Sophie watched as Joan busied herself with the teapot and the milk jug. There was clearly something bothering the woman. Ever since Sophie had rented her room, Joan had been welcoming, slowly growing warmer to Sophie. They’d formed a tentative friendship that Sophie cherished and didn’t want to lose.

  “Joan, please sit down. I know something’s wrong; you’re making me nervous, please just talk to me.”

  Holding the sealed envelope in her hand once more, Joan sat down opposite Sophie. It took all her strength to look into the girl’s bright blue eyes. When she did, all she saw was confusion.

  “Why did you run away from home?”

  Whatever Sophie was expecting Joan to say, that wasn’t it. She’d almost resolved herself to being told she would have to pack her stuff and leave the house because someone else needed the space.

  She’d expected to be recognised by people─ she’d seen newspaper articles and segments on the televised news and had slowly been changing her appearance. Her once long hair was now a short crop to disguise her side-shave and had been bleached blonde. She had been planning on dying it a bright pink but hadn’t had the chance or money to buy the dye, but now she was worried. Would Joan make her go back home?

  “Lots of different reasons, but mostly because I was being bullied at school and no one was helping me.” Sophie looked down at the chipped cup in her hands, unable to maintain eye contact. “Not that I asked for help beyond my then best friend.”

  Sophie went on to explain to Joan that she’d expected everything to die down after a couple of weeks, the way school gossip usually did. When it hadn’t, she’d made the mistake of hoping ignoring it would help, and by then she didn’t know who to go to in the end. It was the most isolated she’d ever felt, and it was her own fault, which was probably one reason she didn’t ask for help. Maybe she’d deserved it.

  “Why didn’t you tell me when I first let you stay?” Joan’s voice was still quiet and soft, but Sophie kept expecting her to blow up and start yelling.

  “I didn’t think you’d let me stay. It was only going to be for a couple of days until…”

  “Until what sweetheart?”

  Taking a deep breath, Sophie told Joan about phoning home and hearing the laughter and fun she’d heard when Jake had answered the phone. Tears rolled down her face as she explained that no one was missing her anymore and were enjoying not having her around.

  “I doubt that’s true, maybe it was just a matter of timing. Did you try again?”

  “No, I couldn’t bare hearing the happiness in their voices.”

  Joan stood up and walked around the table and knelt in front of the girl, pulling her into a tight hug.

  “Why don’t you start from the beginning while I make us some dinner, I have a feeling this is going to be a long story.” She murmured into the teenager’s hair as the girl sobbed.
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  Joan felt her heart break as Sophie told her story. As she described the feeling of self-hatred brought on by the words of others, the older woman couldn’t help but be transported back to her own teenage years. She sat across the table as Sophie told of not so quiet taunts at school, being propositioned by boys who thought she was an easy lay, and the messages she’d receive via text and social media.

  When asked why her mother hadn’t done anything, Sophie admitted she hadn’t told her mum; she was busy with her young twins, and Sophie hadn’t wanted to bother her.

  “Bother her? You’re her child too; I’m sure she would have wanted to know what was happening.”

  “She knew a bit, but always said it would die down once they had something else to gossip about, but it never did; even when another girl in my year got pregnant. I was still ‘the baby killer’ and a whore.”

  “Oh honey, I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through that over a choice they had little power over.”

  “Well, it’s in the past now, and I can finally breathe a little easier.” Sophie wiped at the tears on her face. “I just hate that it took me coming here to achieve. London’s my home, and I never saw myself living anywhere else, but I couldn’t stay there.”

  “It’s not easy leaving home, especially under such terrible circumstances.”

  “You sound like you’re talking from experience.”

  Sophie watched Joan’s face for a reaction, unsure if she’d overstepped the mark in some way.

  “I have more than one experience in common with you Sophie. Not only did I leave home at an early age, I also had an abortion in my early teens. However, my story isn’t as ‘neat’ as yours─ that’s not the right word I know, but it’s the only one I can think of.”

  “It’s as good a word as any.”

  Sophie had stopped crying, but the nerves that Joan was going to ask her to leave were still with her. The older woman must have sensed something was wrong; she put her cutlery down on her empty plate and moved round to kneel in front of Sophie once more.

  “When I was thirteen, my cousin raped me at a family party. I found out I was pregnant, and rather than go and speak to my doctor because I was scared he would tell my parents, I found someone who would do it for a cash lump sum.”

  Sophie couldn’t believe what she was hearing but kept quiet so she wouldn’t interrupt Joan’s story.

  “Back street abortions were pretty common in the sixties when I was a teenager, so I didn’t think anything of going through one. I packed up all my stuff and left home to come here to Brighton. A man met me off the train and took me to a grimy bedsit where he held his hand out for my cash, before inflicting the worst pain I had ever felt on me.”

  Joan was crying as she spoke, but she kept going, wanting to make Sophie understand that she wasn’t alone.

  “Once he was finished, he sent me on my way and slammed the door in my face. I managed to walk twenty metres down the street before I collapsed. Two days later, I woke up in hospital. Thankfully, I had no identification, so there was no way for the hospital to contact my parents.”

  “I’m so sorry Joan, no one should have to go through that, especially not alone and at such a young age.” Sophie couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her abortion experience, while not ideal, was at least hygienic and safe, plus she’d had the support of her mum. Her heart broke for Joan and what she’d experienced, and a small part of her was grateful to know that she wasn’t the only to have gone through it, which immediately made her feel guilty for feeling glad someone else had experienced what she had. Overall, the entire thing was complex, and Sophie often couldn’t quite take it all in.

  “There’s no need to apologise, it was a long time ago. I’ve come to terms with the fact the doctors had to give me a full hysterectomy at such an early age when I finally got the courage to tell the doctor what had happened to me. I’m alive and have been able to make some sort of a life for myself here, so it’s not all bad.”

  Silence surrounded them as they sat, together, for a few moments. Joan lost in her painful memories, and Sophie praying silently that Joan wouldn’t make her go back home, at least not yet. Eventually, she couldn’t help herself, she needed to know.

  “So, are you going to send me back home?”

  “No, not if you don’t want me to.” Joan couldn’t help but smile softly at Sophie’s sigh of relief. “What I am going to do is give you this.” She handed over the envelope, which Sophie was shocked to find contained money.

  “What…?”

  “It’s the money you paid me for the room, I’m giving it back to you. You’ll live here, rent free, but I want you to do something for me.”

  “I’d do anything for you right now.”

  “I want you to help me make this house a real bed and breakfast, then we can run it together, like a family.”

  Sophie didn’t know what to say, so she just nodded her agreement, trying to stop the tears falling that she could feel building behind her eyelids.

  “Thank you. I believe people enter your lives at specific points in time for a reason and I’m starting to think you came to my front door so we could help each other. Birds of a feather and all that jazz.”

  Laughing, the two women, one young and one a lot older, hugged as if they’d known each other for their entire lives.

  Then

  “There she goes… the slag.”

  “Hey, Sophie. Fancy slipping away to somewhere more… private?”

  “Oi, slapper. Fancy a shag? Don’t worry, I have a condom, so you don’t need to book in at a clinic.”

  “There she goes… whore.”

  The taunts and name calling went around and around my head. All I wanted to do was get some sleep, but I couldn’t stop hearing the voices of people I used to consider friends taunting me about something they should never known about.

  “How the hell did they find out?” Katie wondered out loud as we walked through the park on our way home.

  “I don’t know, I wish I did, but I don’t.” I could feel tears pricking at my eyes, but I blinked hard to force them back. There was no way I was going to let a group of arseholes see they were getting to me. Not in public at least.

  “Well, we’ll find out, and believe me when I say that I will ruin the person that spread it round school.”

  “Please, don’t. Just leave it─ they’ll soon forget about it once they have someone else to turn on. I shouldn’t have thought I could keep it a secret, should have known someone would find out.”

  Katie stopped walking and grabbed me by the shoulders. Looking me straight in the eye, I could see the anger in them, anger on my behalf. I had never adored her more than I did in that moment. We’d always been close, but her support over the last few weeks had been beyond amazing. I didn’t know how I was ever going to return the favour.

  “That doesn’t make what they’re doing okay.”

  “I know it doesn’t, but it is what it is. I just need to ride it through. It’ll soon blow over.”

  Katie hugged me tight, whispering that she hoped so in my ear.

  It took me an entire month to realise that the news of my abortion wouldn’t blow over. While other kids in the school cheated on their boyfriends and girlfriends, got arrested for shoplifting, and even got drunk in a park and were escorted home by the police, it wasn’t enough to take the spotlight off me. Not even for a millisecond.

  “There she goes. I wonder if she’s off to meet someone for a quickie in the park.”

  “Hey, slapper. How about a blow job in the science block?”

  “There she goes, the girl too scared to be a mother.”

  There wasn’t a day in school where I didn’t hear loud voices following behind me as I walked from classroom to classroom and during lunch. For a while, I was able to hold my head high, ignore the vicious words, and then run home and hide away in my room. That tiny space in our cramped council flat was my refuge, where I could talk to mum and Katie about how I
was feeling.

  I didn’t tell mum much about what was happening at school because I didn’t want her to worry. She’d march herself down there and insist on meeting every single kid, and their parents, who had said something to me, and that would make things a thousand times worse. Not wanting her to worry about me, I kept everything to myself, and only ever talked to Katie about it.

  Soon enough, I couldn’t find even peace in my own bedroom. Having got bored with yelling stuff at me in the hallways at school, the main players decided to change direction. They were the ones who hadn’t got bored of tormenting me; they were the ones who decided that it was time to take it that one step further. Every time I opened either my Facebook or Twitter accounts, I was bombarded with messages telling me that I needed to be with my dead baby, and that I was a horrible human being.

  I knew Katie was getting messages too, telling her she was just as bad as I was because she stood by my side. They told her that she was supporting a murderer and that she wouldn’t be safe around me. If I can kill a baby, what would stop me from attacking her?

  At first, she understood it was words used to cause hurt, but after a couple of weeks she started to act strange around me─ it started small; not answering my texts or returning my calls. Eventually, I confronted her, the best friend I’d had in forever.

  “You believe them, don’t you?”

  “Believe what?” Katie didn’t make eye contact with me.