Say You Love Me : An Enemies to Lovers Romance

by Sarah J. Brooks

  I had misjudged him and I was tired of denying that I cared about him more than I had ever cared about anyone.

  The feelings that filled me up inside were creeping dangerously close to love.

  Who am I kidding?

  I was already there.

  But then the vomiting started again. I couldn’t drink coffee; the smell turned my stomach. I felt as if I were walking around in a fog. My concentration was shot. When Whitney had to say my name five times before I responded, my old friend picked up on something being wrong.

  “Earth to Lena.” She snapped her fingers in front of my face. I had been standing in front of the coffee maker for the past fifteen minutes, staring off into space. My nausea had subsided, but I felt like I was dragging serious ass.

  I blinked. “Sorry. What?” I poured the coffee, took a sip, and immediately poured it out.

  “Something wrong with the coffee?” Whitney asked, pouring her own cup, and taking a drink. She frowned. “Tastes fine to me.”

  “I don’t know what it is, but the taste of coffee makes me want to hurl. Which I’ve been doing most of the morning.” I filled a glass with water and drank that instead.

  Whitney gave me a strange look. “You were sick this morning?”

  “Yeah. I’ve been fighting a bug for a few weeks now. I thought I had kicked it, but I guess I was wrong. This morning was bad. I should probably go to the doctor if I’m not better by the end of the week.” I finished my water and washed the glass.

  “I think going to the doctor is a good idea. But don’t wait until the end of the week. See if you can get an appointment today. I can clear your calendar for the afternoon,” Whitney insisted.

  I patted her shoulder. “I’m not dying, Whit. It’s probably just a virus. Nothing to be so concerned about.”

  Whitney leaned in closer to me and dropped her voice to a whisper. “Sweetie, I would put money on you not having a virus.”

  I gave her a bemused smile. “Well, what else could be wrong with me then?”

  “It sounds like you’re pregnant.”

  Whitney’s words dropped like a bomb between us. I snickered. “There’s no way. I’m on the pill.”

  “And the pill can fail. I’m assuming by your response that you’re sleeping with someone, otherwise, we’re talking immaculate conception here,” Whitney said.

  “No. No immaculate conception,” I muttered.

  “Do you always use a condom?” she pushed. Well, this was embarrassing to talk about at work.

  “Yes—actually... shit.”

  Whitney nodded sagely. “You’re sick in the morning. You suddenly can’t drink coffee. You look exhausted. If I was a betting woman, I’d put money on you having a bun in the oven.”

  My stomach dropped to the floor.

  No.

  The universe wouldn’t be that cruel.

  But Jeremy didn’t always use protection. And I missed a pill once. It was months ago... but that would be enough.

  God, I was such an idiot.

  “I need to go,” I rasped, my mind spinning in a million different directions.

  Whitney took ahold of my arm. “Take a deep breath, Lena. Calm down. It’s going to be okay.”

  “I need to go... I need to see…” I couldn’t finish my sentences.

  “I’ll come with you—” Whitney started to say, but I shook my head.

  “I need to be alone. Please cancel my appointments and tell Adam, Jeremy, and Rob that I was sick. I have to—” I looked around, trying to remember where my purse was.

  “I’ll tell them. And I’ll call you later to check on you. It might not be that, Lena. I could be wrong,” Whitney hedged.

  We both knew she wasn’t. Now that it had been said, I felt the trueness in my bones.

  I grabbed my purse and my jacket and headed to the pharmacy.

  **

  Five tests later and I was numb.

  They all said the same thing.

  Of course, they did.

  I was 100% pregnant.

  Preggo. Knocked up.

  Jesus Christ, what was I going to do?

  What would I tell Jeremy?

  “Oh God,” I groaned, covering my face with my hands. I sat on the floor of my bathroom, my knees up to my chest in the same position I had been in since I read the first test.

  Pregnant.

  What was I going to do?

  I couldn’t even think of my options at this point. I needed to make a doctor’s appointment. I needed to…

  I got shakily to my feet. What I needed to do was get the hell out of my apartment.

  I grabbed my keys and my phone, put on my jacket, and left before I could freak out even more. I glanced at my phone, seeing that I had two missed calls from Jeremy and a message asking how I was feeling.

  I couldn’t deal with him.

  I got in my car and pulled out of the parking lot, no real destination in mind. A few minutes later I found myself at the local park where I used to spend my childhood playing on the monkey bars and jungle gym. There was something soothingly familiar about the open fields and wood chips.

  I got out of my car, shoved my hands in my pockets, and slowly walked toward the playground. I sat down on the bench, not caring that it was nearly freezing outside. Despite the cold weather, the equipment was teeming with small children, their mothers either anxiously helicoptering over them or ignoring them completely, their faces buried in their phones.

  What kind of mother would I be?

  Was that even a question I wanted to ask?

  Did it matter?

  I didn’t have to have the baby. I could have an abortion, and no one ever had to know. I had always been a strong advocate for a woman’s right to choose.

  I could stay pregnant and give the baby up for adoption. There were so many people out there desperate for a family. I could give that to them.

  Could I do that? Carrying a baby to term and then give it away?

  The only other option was to keep it. To raise it.

  With Jeremy?

  My stomach clenched and it had nothing to do with morning sickness.

  Hearing about Jeremy’s childhood had been eye-opening. While it had answered why he sucked at relationships, what did that mean for him as a father?

  He said he didn’t think he’d want a family. He had only recently decided he might want to have a semi-serious relationship. If there was one thing I knew, it was Jeremy Wyatt wasn’t ready to be a dad.

  I pressed the heels of my hands into my eyes, willing myself not to start crying. I felt lost. And overwhelmed. And ready to fall completely and totally apart.

  “Lena? You okay?”

  I startled, dropping my hands into my lap and looked up at Kyle Webber, Adam and Meg’s friend. I had known Kyle most of my life and he had always been a big brother figure growing up. But I wasn’t keen on him seeing me like this.

  I gave him what I hoped was a sincere smile. “Hey, Kyle. Long time no see.” I noticed he was pushing a stroller. His daughter, Katie, was all bundled up and snoozing comfortably, her thumb in her mouth. “Oh, she’s gotten more beautiful since I last saw her,” I cooed quietly, leaning over to look at her.

  Kyle sat down beside me, pulling the stroller in so that it was between us. He tucked her blanket tightly around her and pulled her hat down over her ears. She never stirred. “She’s going to be a heartbreaker. And I’m going to have to break some heads. I see it already.” Kyle’s face lit up with a love that was undeniable.

  I tried to imagine Jeremy like that... and I couldn’t.

  “She’ll be smart and able to take care of herself. She has the best dad looking out for her.” I squeezed his hand and he squeezed back.

  He sat back and stretched his legs out in front of him. “So, you want to tell me why you’re at the park in the middle of the day looking like you’re about to cry?”

  I hadn’t meant to tell him. I hadn’t meant to tell anyone until I had decided what I was going to do.
But the truth poured out of me as if it had a mind of its own.

  “I’m pregnant,” I said in a rush.

  Kyle looked taken aback. “Um, congratulations…?”

  “No, not congratulations. I can’t have a baby. Not now. I just graduated from law school. I’m a first-year associate. This could derail my career. I can’t be a mom. I wouldn’t know how to be a mom. This is such a huge mess.” I started crying. I couldn’t help it. One minute I was talking about the shit show that was my life, the next I was sobbing uncontrollably.

  Katie stirred but thankfully didn’t wake up. Kyle scooched over and put his arm around me. I put my head on his shoulder and cried until I didn’t think I had any more tears left. “What am I going to do?” I wept into his shoulder.

  Kyle held me tight and his support was keeping me from crumbling. “You’re going to figure it out. Because you’re Marlena Rose Ducate, and you’re smart as hell. You’ll make the best decision for you. Whatever that is.” He sounded so sure of himself. I wished I shared half of his confidence.

  “I can’t be a mom, Kyle,” I said, sounding as wretched as I felt.

  “No one says you have to be, Lena.” I started crying again, my entire body shaking. I couldn’t believe Katie was sleeping through my noisy wailing. I didn’t care that I was probably making a scene.

  After a few minutes, I sat up and wiped my face. Kyle dug a tissue out of the diaper bag he had stashed beneath the stroller. I accepted it gratefully, blowing my nose. I looked at him in a new appreciative wonder. “How did you do it?” I asked him.

  “Do what?” He frowned, looking perplexed.

  “Be a dad?”

  He gave me a half-smile. “It’s not like I had a choice in the matter, you know.”

  I shoved the used tissue in my pocket and took another one when Kyle offered it. “You know what I mean. You took it on without any complaints and you’re amazing at it. Did it all just click into place?”

  He laughed with obvious amusement. “Hell no. It’s been terrifying and I’ve probably screwed up at least a hundred times. But that’s okay. Because there’s no manual on how to be a parent. You simply get by as best you can and as long as you love them unconditionally and put their best interests first, I don’t see how you can fail. And if you decide to... you know... be a mom... then you’ll do the same.”

  I stared down at his daughter sleeping contentedly and believed it was possible to love someone else enough to make it work.

  “I don’t mean to be nosy, but what about the dad? Is he in the picture?” Kyle asked.

  My stomach clenched again. “He’s in the picture,” I admitted.

  “Does he know?”

  I shook my head.

  “Are you planning to tell him?” I felt Kyle get tense. “Because he should know, Lena. It’s not right to keep it from him.”

  I felt myself get defensive. “I’m not telling him anything until I know what I’m going to do. I can’t deal with... he’s not exactly... I’m not telling him yet,” I finally got out.

  Kyle took one of his daughter’s mittened hands and held it gently. “I would have been devastated if Josie had kept it from me. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it.”

  “Yeah well, you and... the baby’s father are two very different people. He’s made it quite clear he’s not a family man,” I responded bitterly.

  Kyle glanced at me and I could tell he wanted to ask who it was, but he was too much of a nice guy to do that.

  “Don’t say anything to Adam or Meg, please. You’re the first person to know actually,” I said sheepishly.

  He put his arm around me again. There was something comforting about Kyle and there always had been. “I would never betray your confidence. Not even to my best friends. Because you’re my friend too, Lena. Never forget that. And I’m here if you need me.”

  My phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out to see Whitney’s name on the screen. “Let me take this,” I told Kyle and then put the phone to my ear. “Hey.”

  “Hey, Lena. How are you?” Whitney asked.

  “I could be better,” I told her honestly.

  There was a moment of silence on the other end as she processed what I hadn’t come out and said. “Where are you? Let me come meet you. We’ll spend the day together like we used to when you were younger. It’ll be good for both of us.”

  “That sounds nice actually. I’m at the park right now. I ran into Kyle and his daughter,” I said, smiling at Kyle.

  There was another moment of silence. “Oh, Kyle’s there?” Her voice sounded strange. “Um okay, well let me finish what I’m doing here and I’ll be there in… say fifteen minutes?”

  “Sounds great. I’ll wait for you.”

  When I hung up, I turned to Kyle. “Whitney’s on her way over.”

  His expression changed, only slightly, but I saw it. “Whitney? She’s coming here?” His voice sounded odd too. What was up with them?

  “Yeah, is that a problem?” I didn’t know why it would be. I wasn’t aware they even knew each other that well even though Whitney was Meg’s older sister. It wasn’t as if she and Kyle spent a lot of time together.

  Kyle got to his feet. “I should get Katie home. She’s going to be waking up soon and she’ll need to have some lunch.” He seemed almost in a rush to leave.

  If my head wasn’t about to explode, I would have asked if something was wrong but I wasn’t in a position to poke around in anyone else’s personal life at the moment.

  I got to my feet and put my arms around the much taller man. He squeezed me tight. “You’ll do the right thing. You always do, Lena.”

  “I hope you’re right,” I said, my voice muffled by his jacket.

  Kyle turned the stroller around, the movement jostling Katie, finally waking her. She opened her tiny, rosebud mouth and let out a wail that could pierce eardrums. “And that’s my cue,” Kyle said wryly. He paused a moment, his face going strange again. “Tell Whitney I said hi—” he stopped himself. “You know what, never mind. Don’t tell her anything. Bye, Sherlock.” I felt warm at his use of my childhood nickname.

  I wrapped my arms around myself, as if trying to keep the pieces together, then pressed my palm against my flat belly imagining the life that grew there and then promptly recoiled.

  Questions and doubts swirled around in my head.

  But answers were in short supply.

  Chapter 16

  Lena

  Pretend everything is normal.

  That was my mantra.

  It was exhausting.

  I went to the doctor later in the week who confirmed what the five tests already told me. I was pregnant with a capital P. And apparently about seven weeks along. Which meant conception was most definitely the night when, in my infinite wisdom, I told Jeremy he didn’t need to wear a condom.

  And I was supposed to be the smart one.

  Dr. Waybright, a sweet lady with stylishly short grey hair, handed me a printout of my sonogram that showed a white blob that was supposed to be my baby. The vaginal sonogram had also detected a heartbeat, which was surreal to hear. And didn’t make it any easier to make a decision as to what I was going to do.

  Dr. Waybright gave me pamphlets on my choices. She spoke about abortion and adoption. I tried to hear her, but it was hard over the deafening buzz that filled my head.

  It was difficult not telling anyone, particularly Jeremy. In truth, I couldn’t even look at him.

  I avoided his phone calls the rest of the evening and when I showed up at the office the next morning, of course, he sought me out.

  He came into my office and pulled the door closed, leaving it open a crack so as to not draw attention. He approached me with a worried look on his face. “I tried calling you all night.” He didn’t say it quite as an accusation, but I knew he wasn’t happy I had been dodging him. “Are you okay? Whitney said that you went home sick.”

  I couldn’t look him in the eye, so I focused on a spot behind hi
m. “You know I hadn’t been feeling well. I just needed some more rest. I’m here today, so all’s good.”

  Jeremy sat on the edge of my desk, feigning casualness, but wearing an earnest expression. “I was worried, Marlena. When you didn’t answer my texts or return my calls, I thought something was really wrong.”

  So why didn’t you come over? I wanted to ask him.

  To be fair, I wouldn’t have answered the door even if he had.

  “I went home and slept the day away. Sorry,” I replied dismissively. Every molecule in my body craved him. It was distracting. And annoying. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to feel his skin against mine. I wanted to kiss him until I couldn’t breathe. Pregnancy hormones were no joke. My horniness level had gone to a million.

  I clenched my hands into fists, the nails biting into flesh. It kept me focused. “I have a lot of work to do, so…” I drifted off, picking up a pile of papers.

  “Okay, I get it. We’re at work. But can I come by later? I missed you.” His words were pitched low and seductive. My insides melted and turned into goo. His hand crept across the desk. His fingers traced lazy circles on the back of my hand. “Come on, you know you miss me too.”

  I did. I missed him every time we weren’t together.

  But how could I spend time with him and not tell him?

  I pulled my hand away and tucked it in my lap. Jeremy’s brow furrowed. “I can’t. I’m still pretty run down. Maybe another time,” I replied vaguely, wanting to cry.

  Jeremy leaned towards me. “Are you sure everything’s alright?”

  “Lena, I could use your help with—oh hey, Jeremy.” Adam came into my office and drew up short, looking from me to Jeremy and back again.

  Jeremy stood up and tucked his hands into his trouser pockets. His smile was effortless. “Hey, man. She’s all yours.” He didn’t look my way again as he left the room. The air seemed to leave with him.

  I sagged back into my chair, the tension almost too much to bear. Adam seemed hesitant as he made his way toward me. “I tried calling you last night to check to see how you were doing, but you didn’t answer.”