The Lonely Heart Attack Club - One of the funniest, feel-good books you'll read this year! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll love it!

by J C Williams

  She stomped back to the dressing room and took a deep breath. “Look, I need to tell you something,” she said, with an uneasy voice. “You might find this a bit weird, so, my apologies in advance. I don’t think you should go out with Hayley. I know you like her, but… the thing is, I like you. I didn’t always, in fact. I used to think you were a bit of a dick. Still do, sometimes. I don’t know how, why, or when, but I do. Like you, that is. I like being with you, I like working with you. We can turn the shop around and we’ll have fun doing it. You’re an embarrassment, but I like that — you make me laugh even when you don’t mean to. How many people do you know that soil their pantaloons at the gym, or lie naked in a changing room demanding that I lube him up with lip balm? There, I said it!”

  “Soil my what?” asked Jack from behind, laughing. He then placed a pair of blue jeans on Emma’s shoulder at the same time as the curtain opened…

  The disgruntled, elegant, grey-haired lady appeared from behind the curtain in her new blouse, and said in her poshest voice, “The two of you filthy degenerates deserve each other!”

  “Making friends, Emma?” enquired Jack.

  “I thought it was you that was in there, you dick!” whispered Emma.

  Jack pointed to his bag. “I bought this, and I’m returning these jeans.”

  “Let’s go!” said Emma, as she grabbed his wrist. “Before we get thrown out.”

  Jack arrived early and took a seat by the window. The bar was empty apart from a group of women who looked like they’d been drinking for most of the afternoon. He was apprehensive but felt confident in his new white Hilfiger shirt. Hayley had chosen the most expensive wine bar in town and his wallet had still not recovered from earlier. He looked at the wine list and really hoped that she wasn’t the wine drinking sort. He’d not been on a date of merit for a long time and he had a nervous feeling in his stomach that would soon be eased by the first pint of bitter. He took a large mouthful before he paced himself, the words of wisdom from Emma ringing through his mind: Don’t make a dick out of yourself, and don’t get drunk. She was right; Jack didn’t need liquid help to make a fool of himself — that came all by itself. He played with his phone and tapped his feet as the minutes ticked by. The meeting time soon came and went and Jack was beginning to think he’d gone to the wrong place. His phone beeped, and he jumped on it like a fat kid on a cupcake. It was a text from Emma:

  He smiled and took another mouthful of his beer knowing he could have a lie-in. Perhaps I won’t be alone, he thought.

  “I’m so sorry I’m late, Jack. I had to go around to check in on my grandmother. I hope I haven’t kept you too long?”

  She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Can I get you a drink?” asked Jack.

  “Ohh, yes please,” she said, picking up the wine list that Jack had placed deliberately out of sight. His fear was allayed when she asked for a mineral water.

  Jack gave himself a pep talk as he stood at the bar. He ordered another pint and felt assured that two would be fine, just take it easy.

  “You look lovely, Hayley,” he said, handing her a drink. She was only wearing jeans and a stripy white top, but she looked classy. The top she wore for work was loose-fitting, and he hadn’t noticed before now how fantastic her boobs were. She talked to him about her day, but as Jack looked intently into those lovely blue eyes he could feel his eyeballs being dragged down like a sinking ship. It was a physical battle to maintain eye contact and soon he was having an argument with himself in his head. He rubbed his eyes, but it was useless; it was like an incessant itch that was starting to burn the back of his eye socket. Look down, you fool, she won’t notice.

  Now he couldn’t even hear her speak and the only way to ease the burning was to quickly look down. There, he thought, as his eyes darted up and down. She paused for a moment and looked at him with a strange expression. Shit, he thought. She’s seen me. Now she thinks I’m a pervert. His fear was confirmed when she placed her elbows on the table and joined her hands, all but covering her chest.

  Jack was tuned back in.

  “So, Emma tells me you’ve been doing some great work with the elderly. You have your first event, next week?”

  “Yes!” said Jack, enthusiastically. “Next Saturday night, we’re having a tea dance. Emma’s idea, in truth, but, should be good. I’ll need to make sure I buy a new mop!” he said, but instantly regretted it.

  “A mop?” asked Hayley, slightly confused.

  He thought of saying nothing, but following the breast incident he had to follow through. “Yes…” he mumbled. “For all the, you know, piss. Erm… old people… mop…”

  Hayley sat with her mouth agape as her eyebrows rose slightly. “Okay, so, I’m sure it’ll be a huge success. I was telling my grandmother, but I think she’s house-trained so you shouldn’t need the mop for her.”

  “Great,” said Jack. “It’ll be in the cupboard, on standby.”

  For the love of God, stop talking, you huge, giant muppet, he thought.

  He moved on quickly. “So, the shop. How’s it going? Busy, I hope? What got you into gardening?”

  “It’s going great, thank you. Still plenty of work to do but I’m getting a lot of regular customers, which is good. I have a distant cousin who got me into gardening at a young age. You may know him if you’re into gardening programmes, he’s often on the television.”

  “It’s not that Alan Titwank, is it?” said Jack, laughing. Jack, stop it, for the love of God, have a night off, he told himself. He could visualise Emma sat in the corner of the room shaking her head in despair.

  Hayley was starting to look uncomfortable, and Jack’s ‘humour’ was clearly lost on her. “No, it’s Kelvin Reed.”

  “Hey, no way, he’s your cousin?”

  “Distant,” said Hayley, unsure if Jack was being sarcastic.

  “My mum loves him,” continued Jack. “I bought her his calendar for Christmas and she has every book he’s ever written!”

  “Great,” said Hayley. “That’s my little claim to fame and the reason I got into gardening.”

  The conversation dried up and Jack nervously drained the contents of his glass. “Another drink? Something stronger?”

  “No, but thanks,” said Hayley, placing her hand over the top of her drink. “Thanks for coming tonight. You must be wondering why I asked to meet with you?”

  Jack’s heart started racing. “A little bit, but it’s always a pleasure to see you, Hayley.”

  She smiled and began to nervously twist her hair. “You must have noticed that I’m in the shop quite often to buy a coffee?”

  “Not overly,” replied Jack, lying.

  “The truth is, I don’t actually like coffee,” she continued.

  “You drink enough of it,” replied Jack.

  “I don’t. I just throw it away. The truth is I just use the coffee as an excuse to come into your shop.”

  Jack started to blush and the nervous feeling in his stomach intensified. He took deep breaths to compose himself so he could look surprised at the impending revelation, like an Oscar candidate with a camera focussed on them.

  Hayley bowed her head. “This is a little embarrassing, and I know I haven’t known you for a while, but the thing is, I really like—”

  “I really like you too, Hayley. I think you’re amazing,” blurted Jack.

  “… Emma,” continued Hayley. “I really like Emma, Jack,” she said. “Oh, no, this just got a little… uncomfortable.”

  Jack looked blankly, unsure of what had been said and clearly confused. “So, wait, you don’t like me?”

  Hayley was sensitive to the situation she now found herself in. “No, Jack, you’re a lovely person, if a little… quirky, at times. But I’m sorry if I gave you that indication, it wasn’t intentional.”

  “You like Emma? You kept coming into the shop to see Emma, not me?”

  “That’s correct, Jack, yes. I’m genuinely sorry for the confusion, but I really like Emm
a.”

  “But… she’s a girl?” said Jack, although he didn’t know why. The cogs in his head were working beyond their operational limitations and he began to tap his fingers on the table. “So, why am I here?”

  Hayley looked rather sheepish. “I’m thinking I haven’t handled this in the best way, but I wanted to ask you if Emma had mentioned me. It’s tricky enough trying to meet someone new, especially when you’re the same sex as them. She’d been quite affectionate, and I wanted to ask you, as her friend, if she was interested in me? If she was interested in girls?”

  “I need another pint,” said Jack.

  Out of politeness, he motioned to her drink to see if she’d like a refill.

  “Yes please, a large glass of house white would be great!”

  Later, Jack lay in bed reflecting on the evening. It hadn’t been the greatest one; he was out over £100 on the shirt and £30 on drinks, and all to play Cilla Black between Hayley and Emma. One bonus was his confused erection as he thought of the two of them together.

  He thought of Emma and grabbed his phone:

  He’d had several pints and the thought of a lie-in was appealing. Shit, he thought. Emma hasn’t got a phone.

  “Morning, Derek,” said Emma, full of enthusiasm. She hadn’t slept well but didn’t want her personal life — or lack of one — to impact on her customers further. “You take a seat, my lovely, and I’ll bring your tea over in a moment. You’re coming to our tea dance at the weekend, Derek?”

  His face lit up. “I certainly am, Emma. I’ve told my daughter that I’m going, and the neighbours. I’ve got my best bowtie and my suit laid out on the bed.”

  “Aww, that’s lovely,” said Emma. “Do you need any help pressing your shirt? There might be a few pretty ladies there!”

  Derek giggled. “I hope so! And, no, thank you. I bought a new white shirt and ironed it last night.”

  Seeing his face and how confident Derek now appeared gave Emma a warm feeling. She was a naturally compassionate person, and so seeing him being pressured into giving money had played heavily on her mind. She’d spoken to a friend at the government who’d promised to raise it and ensure help was available to others in the same situation. She’d also seen a different side to Jack in the last few days. He’d told her about Ray getting ripped off, and a few months ago he’d have laughed it off as some ‘old giffer’ being stupid enough to give his money away. He still took the piss at how stupid Ray had been, but like Derek with Emma, it played on his mind. It could have easily been his grandad or his mum who’d been conned, and these dirtbags cared little about the trail of destruction and devastation they’d left behind. He’d spoken to one of their regulars who worked in a bank about old people being naïve. It was rife, and they had dozens of customers who had fallen victim. The banks were spending a small fortune educating people, so Jack had arranged for a load of brochures to be dropped off at the shop to hand out at the upcoming social events. Jack wasn’t heartless but came across as being unconcerned; it was a refreshing change for Emma to see the warmer side of him.

  “Morning, Emma,” said Hayley, in a soft voice. “You look nice today.”

  “Oh, you startled me. Thanks, it must be this fetching polo shirt with an overweight Star Wars character on it!”

  Hayley looked blankly.

  “Jabba the Hutt. It’s a play on Java.” But the vacant glaze didn’t change. “Don’t worry. One of Jack’s bright ideas. How are you? Usual?”

  “Yes, please. Is Jack not in?”

  “No. Lie-in,” said Emma, as she prepared the drink.

  “Ah,” said Hayley. “Did he by any chance tell you about last night?”

  “He did, yes,” said Emma, assuming she was talking about the date.

  “And… what did you think?”

  Emma was a little perplexed. “About last night? I suppose I was a little surprised.”

  “Surprised in a good way?” pressed Hayley.

  “I suppose,” said Emma again, slightly confused at the direction the conversation was taking.

  Hayley moved closer and placed her hands on the counter. “Could you tell?”

  “Erm…” replied Emma, darting her eyes back and forth. “Tell what, exactly?”

  Hayley looked around to make sure nobody was in earshot. “You’re making me work for this, Emma. Could you tell about my feelings?”

  “Ah, okay, sorry. I wasn’t sure exactly what you meant. No, I really didn’t know you felt that way. When Jack told me, I was surprised as I’ve usually got a radar for these things. I guess I was totally off on that one.”

  Hayley looked relieved. “So it hasn’t made you uncomfortable? You’re okay with it?”

  “Of course,” said Emma, placing the coffee carefully in front of Hayley. “You only live once, you just have to go with your feelings at times. How does that song go? Regrets, I’ve had a few? You just have to go with it, sometimes.” She was hurting inside but determined to show a brave face.

  “You’re so right, Emma. I can’t tell you how pleased that makes me.” She moved over to Emma and placed her hands on top of hers. “You’re very special,” said Hayley, as she leaned in and placed a tender kiss on Emma’s lips. Emma stood, rigid, with her nose squashed against Hayley’s cheek. Her right eye was partially covered by Hayley’s hair, but through the apple-scented locks she could see Derek peering towards them looking somewhat bemused.

  Hayley moved back slowly and ran her fingers through her hair, looking for a reaction but none was forthcoming. Emma had lost the power of speech, and her brain was working quicker than her mouth.

  “Would you like the coffee to go?” she asked.

  .

  Chapter Seven

  W elcome to The Lonely Heart Attack Club,” said Jack, directing people through the coffee shop and towards the stairs at the rear. “Welcome, WELCOME, this way,” he said, in a Basil Fawlty-style voice.

  Emma punched him on the side of the arm. “Stop calling it that, you spanner, you’ll scare them off before they even get in.”

  Jack ushered two more eager pensioners through the door. “Most of them can’t even hear me anyway. I can tell you’re still angry.”

  “Of course I’m bloody angry,” she replied, through pursed lips. “You had every opportunity to tell Hayley that I’m not into girls.”

  “How do I know that?” protested Jack.

  “My god, are you serious? You’ve known me all of my adult life and we’ve worked together for bloody years. At what point during our entire relationship have you gained any insights that I might be attracted to girls?”

  “You like the blonde one, from Game of Thrones. The dragon lady. You told me so.”

  “Perspective, Jack. You said that if I was on a shrinking desert island and the only way of escape from shark-infested waters was to sleep with one woman, who would it be? I wouldn’t scope her out for a date. I was about to be eaten by a shark and she was my only escape.”

  Jack shrugged his shoulders. “You still said you would, so I was technically correct that you had shown an interest in girls. Besides, I didn’t tell her you were interested in girls, I just didn’t tell her that you weren’t. Anyway, it’s not all about you. I’m still hurting because the girl I loved happened to like lady parts more than men parts.”

  “You didn’t tell her because you just wanted the thought of me and Hayley together, didn’t you?”

  “Little bit, yes. If I wasn’t going to see her naked, I was hoping you would, so you could tell me what she looked like.”

  “You’re such a loser!” said Emma. “So if I asked you if you were on a desert island—”

  “Hugh Grant.”

  “Crikey, you didn’t have to think about that, Jack.”

  “What’s to think about? Hugh Grant all day long, loveable cheeky chap, what’s not to like. I’d totally get it on with Hugh,” said Jack.

  Two portly, elderly ladies approached, and Jack greeted them with a beaming smile. “Excuse me, l
adies, does your mum know you’re out this late?”

  The lady to the left started to giggle and leaned in towards her friend to explain the joke. “Flattery will get you everywhere,” she chuckled. “Everywhere,” she repeated, much to Jack’s unease.

  “It’s a great turnout,” said Emma. “We must have about thirty people in by now, I hope Pete is looking after them.”

  The two older ladies, who were dressed almost identically, doubled back on themselves and Jack took a defensive position behind Emma. “Excuse me,” said one of them. “Where’s the bingo?”

  Emma looked puzzled. “It’s not bingo, my love, it’s a social club for the older people in the community. You’re very welcome to come and socialise?”

  “Oh,” she responded. “We just got off the bus and followed the rest of them. We thought it was bingo.”

  They talked amongst themselves for a moment before shuffling upstairs. “What a lovely idea, we’d love to stay. Be sure to send your friend up later,” said the one with slightly better hearing.

  Emma laughed. “No problem, I’ll have him washed and sent upstairs for you!”

  A very attractive brunette approached the shop, clearly unsure where she was going. She stuck her nose to the glass and peered inside. Jack pointed towards the door and moved eagerly to greet her. “Can I help?”

  She reached inside her considerable briefcase and pulled out a folded piece of paper. “Sorry, I’m a bit out of breath, I’ve already been to two wrong places. Is this, The Lonely Heart Attack Club?” she asked.

  Emma was about to protest the name, but it did have a certain ring to it. “Yes, well, upstairs is. How can we help?”

  “Great! I’m Shelby Sullivan from Manx Radio. We’ve had a few calls from people telling us what you’re doing down here, and we’d love to get an interview, if that’s okay with you?”

  Emma was a little nervous and pushed Jack towards her. “Of course, he’d love to. Can I get you a drink?”