The Lonely Heart Attack Club - One of the funniest, feel-good books you'll read this year! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll love it!

by J C Williams

  “Water would be fantastic, thank you. Yes, we’ve had a number of people getting in touch and telling us what a fantastic initiative you’re working on. I must apologise, I didn’t know where you were, but I’ll be sure to let people know. What does ‘Ava the Hutt’ mean?”

  “It’s Java, actually,” explained Jack. “But the ‘J’ fell off and I haven’t had it replaced,” he said, a little embarrassed.

  “Ah, I see. As in Jabba the Hutt. I like it. Anyway, it won’t be a live interview, so if you make a mistake we can just go over again, right?” She took a small digital recorder with an unfeasibly large microphone and pushed it towards his face. “Are you ready? Great.”

  Shelby:I’m in the heart of Douglas with Jack, the owner of the popular coffee shop, Java the Hutt. Jack, aside from selling delicious coffee — which I’ve still not had [laughing] — I hear you’ve started a new initiative. Please, do tell us more.

  Jack:Hi Shelby, you’d be welcome for a coffee anytime [more laughing, followed by awkward pause]. I was very aware that a lot of my client base was elderly… [sees Emma glaring in background and corrects] … well, along with my friend and business partner, Emma [points nervously]. And we heard some harrowing tales about people — particularly elderly — being manipulated and falling victim to some fairly sophisticated scams.

  Shelby:How awful. Can you give me an example?

  Jack:Yes, a friend of ours gave a donation to charity. It was nothing excessive, but as much as he could afford. But, before long, he was being tortured by dozens of them pressurising him for money. What started off as a good intention nearly finished him off. Another friend of ours ended up getting taken in by a couple of sexy-sounding American sisters, who sold him a load of shares in companies that didn’t exist.

  Shelby:And what amounts of money did they lose?

  Jack:Tens of thousands. We heard that it’s happened to a number of people in the Isle of Man.

  Shelby:And it’s a social club and, dare I say it, a dating club on occasion? I believe you’ve coined the phrase The Lonely Heart Attack Club?

  Jack:It’s not the official title, Shelby. First and foremost, though, it’s a social club. It’s a known fact that large portions of our elderly population are simply lonely. More and more social clubs have had funding reduced and people are sat alone in their house all day. It’s probably why they’re happy to speak to the fraudsters because no other bugger is phoning them. We wanted to set up a social club and also use it as a platform to educate people about the types of fraud that are out there, and also introduce them to technology which will help them keep in touch with distant friends and family — such as Facebook and FaceTime. Also, at the end of the day, we’re also a small business struggling to compete against the big corporates. Anything we can do to bring people into the shop will really help us, so this is a win-win for all concerned.

  Shelby:It sounds fantastic, Jack. It really is impressive and hopefully you can help older people extend their social network and drum up some much-needed business. So, what do you have planned in the social club?

  Jack:[now clueless] Well, we’ve got a bit of a dance going on upstairs today. If that does well, we’ll maybe do that once a month. We were thinking of doing a speed dating event, maybe a day trip outing if we get enough interest. We just want to do something to get the word out there and raise awareness. What do you think we could do?

  Shelby:Hold on, I’m supposed to be interviewing you. Okay, something different to raise awareness, hmmm, what about doing a sponsored run? Or, what about setting a world record? [laughs]

  Jack:[Uncomfortable silence] Great idea, Shelby. We’ll set a world record.

  Shelby:Well, folks, you heard it here first. A world record attempt, no less. So if you’d like to know more, people can pop into the shop [Jack nods] and have a coffee with Jack and Emma.

  “And, that’s us finished, Jack. Well done,” said Shelby, packing her bag. “Sorry I can’t stop, but I will come back for that coffee, soon! Thanks again, and I hope the guys upstairs have fun. Bye, Emma.”

  Emma waved, and Jack could tell by her body language that all was not well in the zoo. “A world record, seriously?” she said. “What on earth were you thinking, telling her we were going to enter a world record like that?”

  Jack chewed his lip and stroked his chin. “Yeah, it was a bit left-field. I’m not entirely sure where that one came from. The conversation went a bit quiet and I just panicked, I suppose. I get nervous with silence, and I’m not good at saying nothing.”

  He knew instantly that he’d said something wrong. Emma appeared to double her mass, and was drawn up, almost on tiptoe. “You’re not good at saying nothing? You have to be taking the piss. You were perfectly fine to say nothing when Hayley wanted to know if I liked girls. You were quite the master at keeping that big, ginormous pie-hole quiet when that vital bit of clarity was required.”

  He smiled; he had to give her that. “Yeah, fair point. Anyway, buddy, pal, business partner, think of the PR if we get a load of old people working together in a world record. We can even promote the other stuff, the scams and all that. We can’t lose. If we fail, everyone will think it’s the old people, how cute, and all that. Winner-winner-chicken-dinner.”

  Emma shrank back to normal size and placed her feet firmly back on the ground. “You know what, Jack, for an ill-conceived irrational comment, it’s actually pretty good. We’d be helping people, getting business into the shop, and also spreading awareness amongst the vulnerable in the community. If you’d told me about this as a well-thought-out idea, I’d think it was genius. As it happens, you just got lucky. Come on, let’s go and see how Pete is getting on…”

  “It looks fabulous!” said Emma, leaning into Jack.

  “What?” said Jack, unable to hear over the sound of “Agadoo” by Black Lace. “I can’t hear you? The room looks great though, doesn’t it?”

  The neighbouring shops knew about the event and were fully supportive. With their help and assistance, they’d turned the upstairs of the coffee shop into a mini disco, with flashing lights, disco ball, and a full sound system. There had been a steady stream of food dropped in during the day and several tables were full of refreshments. DJ Pete was masterful in charge of the music and encouraging the ageing audience to their feet. He was dressed in a green Lycra catsuit which left nothing to the imagination and sported a pair of flashing green baubles that attached to springs on his head.

  Emma felt a little like a teacher presiding over a school disco as she walked around waving at the guests. She indicated to Pete to lower the volume as she didn’t want to damage what little hearing some of the revellers had.

  “It was a bit strange at first,” said Pete. “The boys were sat on one side, and the girls on the other, just staring at each other in a cute, wrinkly kind of way. Those two, over there, got on the dance floor when I put a bit of Rick Astley on and haven’t sat down since. As soon as they got up, they dragged some of the others up and they love it now.”

  Emma laughed and prodded Jack. “It’s the two bingo girls. Looks like they got the party started. I’ll be sure to send them your way later, Jack.”

  “I think they’re pissed,” said Pete. “The one on the right — with the lighter shade of orange hair — keeps pulling out a hipflask. Fair play to them!”

  Emma took Jack by the hand and dragged him onto the dance floor. “Bet you wish I was Hugh Grant! We’ve done well here, Jack. Look around, there must be twenty, twenty-five, thirty people here, that would ordinarily be sat at home with the TV for company. We can make a real difference.”

  Jack nodded. “Yup, it’s quite a nice feeling doing something nice. And it looks like I won’t need my mop after all, which is a bonus.”

  He felt a tap on the shoulder. “Do you mind if I cut in?” asked Derek. “Although I’m sure this young lady has a very full dance card.”

  Jack obliged and headed to the refreshment tables, taking care to give the drunken bingo ladi
es a wide berth.

  “You look very handsome, Derek.”

  “Thank you, Emma. It’s been a long while since I had cause to wear a suit and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed it. I met someone tonight that I’ve not seen for twenty years and it turns out he lives less than ten minutes away from me, it’s remarkable. I do hope you look to do another one of these events as everyone looks like they’re having a good time.”

  “We will, most definitely. We’re looking into maybe doing a day trip out somewhere nice if people are interested. Has your daughter been calling you on the new number?”

  “Oh, yes. It’s wonderful. I apologised that I hadn’t been answering the calls. Now I look back I realise how daft I’d been.”

  “It’s not daft, Derek. It’s easily done, and the important thing is that we’ve sorted it for you. Next, we’ll get you set up on FaceTime so you can see those lovely grandchildren.”

  Derek’s eyes lit up. “That would be wonderful. My daughter is having the children christened in a couple of months.”

  “That’s lovely, are you going to go?” asked Emma, but she could tell by his expression that he was apprehensive.

  “I’m not sure. At my age, heading off on an adventure might be a bit too much.”

  “Derek,” she said, in a firm but friendly tone, “I thought we were friends. What’s really up?”

  He smiled. “We are friends, best of friends. It’s a bit more expensive to get to Italy than I thought. I have some money but I wanted to keep that for special occasions to buy the children presents. Unfortunately, those charity people have taken most of the money I was keeping to one side.”

  “Would your daughter help?”

  “I dare say she would, Emma. But I’m a stubborn old so-and-so, and if it meant borrowing off her, then I wouldn’t want to go. Anyway, enough of my troubles, I don’t want to put a downer on this wonderful evening and it’s not often I get to waltz with such a beautiful young lady.”

  “I’ll need to be careful,” said Emma. “The other women are giving me an evil look for dancing with the most handsome man in here.”

  The refreshment table was soon decimated, and Emma made sure that everyone had a ‘doggy bag’ to go home with. They took the scam brochures received from the bank and placed one in each bag. The guests were a little unsure how to take Pete but soon warmed to him, with most insisting on a dance with the green goddess.

  “Your grandad looks a little comfortable with the bingo girls, Jack. Do you think you should go and rescue him?”

  “No chance. He’s big enough and ugly enough to look after himself. Besides, after Randy Sandy, I doubt those two will scare him. He probably thinks he’s on for a threesome, how does it go, two fat ladies — eighty-eight!”

  “Eww, nice thought,” replied Emma, making a face. “Hmm, I noticed Hayley didn’t come with her gran,” she said, changing subject. “I hope I haven’t upset her, as I really like her. As a friend and neighbour, I mean.”

  Jack looked inquisitive. “Yeah, but wouldn’t you just…”

  “No,” Emma replied, “I wouldn’t. Draw a line under it and move on. I think I handled it fairly well with her, aside from the initial shock. I’ll leave it a couple of days and if I don’t see her, I’ll pop in and say hello. I don’t want things to get awkward.”

  “Great night!” said Geoffrey. “Truly, I really enjoyed it.”

  “Thanks, Grandad. Are you okay to get home?”

  He had sweat dripping down his forehead from all the dancing and a vague red lipstick outline on his cheek. “Going home?” he said. “I’m going into town for a couple of drinks with these two!” The two bingo girls grabbed one of his arms each and escorted him down the stairs.

  Emma sat in the coffee shop with her feet on the table and her hands supporting the back of her head. It was just after ten p.m., and for the first time, she could relax. The social club hadn’t been a chore, but she’d wanted it to go well so had little time to relax. The shop was empty and cleaned down for the next morning; she smiled as she reached for a cold bottle of cider, chilled to toast the evening. The street was busy with people enjoying the weekend; some a little too much, as an unsteady girl wearing next to nothing fell into the doorway of the shop. Much to the amusement of her friends she struggled to steady herself, but they soon moved safely on their way. Emma often felt old before her time, and pondered on whether she should be the one moving uneasily through the town centre wearing next to nothing. It wasn’t that she didn’t enjoy going out — she did — but the thought of spending a fortune on a night out and dying the following day in bed didn’t appeal. She often reflected on whether she was boring or just sensible. But, as she dwelled on the evening she realised that her motivation was in making other people happy. She thought of Derek and the other people who’d come to their social club and how what they were doing was making a difference. They hadn’t discovered a cure for cancer or promoted world peace, but they were making a small but significant impact on the people in their community. She smiled as she thought of Derek in his finest suit and how happy he’d been as he twirled her around the dance floor. Only a few short weeks before, Derek was at a low point in his life that nearly ended it. Emma reflected on the girls enjoying themselves and where she was and knew she wouldn’t change anything for the world; she felt contented.

  Her moment of contemplation was broken as Jack pushed the door open. “I’ve bought us chips.”

  “We’ve got a fridge full of sandwiches,” said Emma. “But, mmm, they do smell good. Thank you for walking Derek home. I know he’d be fine, but with it being the weekend.”

  “You don’t need to explain. I like the old boy. He was just telling me about his time in the merchant navy. He is a very interesting man and I get the impression he was quite a character in his youth. He told me he once boxed at Madison Square Garden.”

  “Did he win?” asked Emma, as she passed a bottle of cider across the table.

  “We didn’t get to that, but I got the impression that the result was less important than the experience. Cheers!” said Jack, before taking an appreciative mouthful of cider. “I enjoyed today. I’ll be honest, I didn’t think I would. I thought you were a bit mental even suggesting it, but it’s brought punters in the shop and it was good to see them enjoying themselves tonight. You’ve done well!”

  “What are you smiling at?” asked Emma.

  Jack paused for a moment, in his own thoughts. “How the hell are we going to break a world record?”

  “Well, it’s out there now. The entire Island knows about it,” said Emma.

  “I think you’re being a bit generous to their listening figures, but we’ll think of something. We could juggle old people or have the world’s oldest conga line. We should be inundated with oldies after tonight’s festivities, especially if the boys hear about the bingo girls!”

  Emma replaced the empty bottles and leaned closer to Jack. “I think there is a softer side in there, you know. You can come across as a bit of a…”

  “Dickhead?”

  “No. Well, okay, sometimes. You give the impression that you don’t take anything serious. A bit of a loveable buffoon.”

  Jack looked a little hurt. “So, you’re saying I’m a bit of a feckless wonder?”

  “You can appear as someone that only cares about Jack — which I know isn’t true — but it’s nice that other people get to see what you’re really like.”

  Jack moved even closer. “Oh, and what am I really like?”

  “Stupid. Funny and caring… when you want to be, that is. Jack, I’m really sorry it didn’t go as expected with Hayley. I know you really liked her,” said Emma, placing a hand on top of his.

  “Ah, what are you going to do? At least I lost out to someone who is ‘smoking’ hot.”

  It may have been the bottle and a half of cider, but Emma moved her head closer to Jack. His eyes widened and the grip on his hand intensified. He closed his eyes in anticipation. He could smell her perfume and
feel her breath as she moved nearer.

  “Jack,” whispered Emma. “Jack, I think your grandad is half-naked, leaning against the window.”

  “What! Aww, what’s that stupid old bugger up to now? He’s going to get himself arrested, again.”

  Emma put a hand over her face to stifle a laugh, but the appearance of someone his age dancing in his underwear was a bit too much to take.

  Geoffrey noticed Emma and waved enthusiastically. “I’ve been drinking Jägerbombs,” he said, slurring his words.

  Jack tried frantically to cover him with a tablecloth, but his gyrating made it difficult. “Emma, can you lock up? I need to get him dressed and home before he gets locked up!”

  “Sure. No problem, go!”

  She continued laughing as Jack fought to cover his grandad with the white tablecloth. “He looks like a drunken ghost!” shouted Emma, through the street — which was fortunately deserted.

  Emma could hear the sound of Geoffrey singing, long after he’d moved out of visual range. She returned inside and placed her feet back on the table. She took her bottle of cider and ran her finger around the top. Her head tilted back as she thought of Jack and the mere image brought a smile to her face and made her cheeks flush.

  She took Jack’s bottle and knocked it against her own. “Cheers! Here’s to Jack and Emma,” she said, with a hint of optimism in her voice.

  .

  Chapter Eight

  T he perimeter tables of the coffee shop had been positioned to form one long imposing table in the middle of the room. It was covered with tablecloths that were differing shades of white, depending on their age. Three water jugs were placed in the centre and twelve glasses sat in front of each of the invited audience. The scene was like an outtake from a budget version of The Sopranos. Five older men — including Ray, Geoffrey, and Derek — sat on one side, and five women — including Hayley, her gran, and the Bingo Girls — on the other. Emma sat with her back to the front window, at the head of the table, and Jack sat at the opposite end.