Undoing

by L. L. Diamond

  Jane drew her back to sit on the sofa. “Nicholas did not mention that the duke had tricked you.”

  “That evening, I was upset after speaking to Fitzwilliam. We had confessed we loved each other, but agreed we could not act upon our feelings. I drank some brandy in the library before dinner then several glasses of wine with the meal, which I hardly touched.”

  After Elizabeth finished the tale, her sister shook her head and pressed her hand to her chest. “I want to say he made an honest mistake, but I cannot—especially when I know you and Fitzwilliam are together with his sanction.”

  Elizabeth choked back a sob. “I could not bear it if you thought ill of me. As much as I love Fitzwilliam and Alexander, I never wanted you to know this part of my life.” She covered her face with her hands until they were pulled away.

  “I confess I cannot imagine how difficult your situation must be, but I could never think ill of you. That precious child was born out of love, and I shall protect him as fiercely as I would my own. I give you my word.” Jane pulled her handkerchief out of her pocket and wiped Elizabeth’s cheeks.

  “I want you and Nicholas to be Alexander’s godparents.”

  Jane’s eyes searched hers. “What of Darcy and what of Thomas?”

  “Fitzwilliam will for all intents and purposes be Alexander’s father in feeling and appearances. When I looked in on Thomas earlier, he was still asleep. His breathing is worsening as is the cough.”

  “The poor man,” said Jane, shaking her head.

  “Colin said they had never discussed godparents and considered my choices appropriate.”

  “Nicholas and I would be honoured.” Jane hugged Elizabeth and pulled her to sit beside her on the sofa. “Now, about that tea. I think we should have a cup before that adorable boy of yours wakes. While you take your nap, I would be pleased to watch over him if Georgiana is not ready for our walk. He is such a dear.”

  She wiped the tears from her cheeks with her handkerchief. “I am so fortunate to have him. A part of me worried he might not live. That God would punish me somehow.”

  “You cannot think that way. I know people believe such things, but I do not.” Jane kissed Elizabeth’s hand. “Once you are out of mourning, you can be with Fitzwilliam, and what is amiss will be the way it was supposed to be all along.”

  “He has not asked me yet, Jane.”

  Jane put an arm around Elizabeth. “But he will. I know he will.”

  July 20th 1810

  Worthstone

  Derbyshire

  Dear Papa,

  In the early hours of the morning, my husband finally succumbed to his illness. When he began to cough, I was summoned along with his cousin and nearest relation Mr. Darcy. Unfortunately, he coughed so violently for one so weak that he could not catch his breath. His life had become a pitiful and painful existence I know he did not relish. All who knew him will mourn his loss; however, his death, while sad, was a release for him. I take comfort in that he is no longer suffering.

  Due to the warm weather, his funeral will occur soon. His family already journeyed hither, so we see no reason to delay.

  While I am certain you and Mama are eager to meet your grandson, I am unsure of what will occur after the funeral. Jane and Carlisle have offered for me to stay with them at Netherfield, yet I also have the great house at Stoke so I have no need to impose on them so early in their marriage.

  Alexander continues to grow and thrive, and I have managed to escape the confines of my chambers on numerous occasions. I would adore a walk in the gardens! Maybe tomorrow morning I might manage a short stroll.

  I shall send you another missive when I know my plans.

  Yours,

  Lizzy

  Chapter 20

  Elizabeth led Fitzwilliam, Nicholas, and Jane into the library and closed the door behind them. Thomas’s solicitor had just read his will, and though they knew most of his last wishes, one item had been a surprise, to say the least! Not even she had known all of Thomas’s intentions—not that she had ever completely known his mind.

  “He left him an estate,” said Nicholas almost as if he needed to say it to believe it.

  “I think it was lovely.” Jane glanced between them all as she sat on the sofa. “I know society and the law forbids their relationship, but such a bequest indicates how strongly he felt for his valet.”

  Elizabeth sat beside her and took her sister’s hand. Regardless of the shock, she was not angry. “It does indeed. Colin took excellent care of him. I do not begrudge him this gift. ’Tis a small estate as I recall, earning only one or two thousand per annum and is only for his lifetime. With his lifestyle, he will not beget an heir, so according to the terms, the property will revert back to the Leeds estate upon his death.”

  After Fitzwilliam gave the men a small glass of brandy and the ladies sherry, he sat in one of the large wingback chairs and crossed his ankle over his opposite knee. “I agree with Lizzy. I have spoken some to Colin over the last few weeks. He thought Thomas might give him a few thousand pounds so he might live out his life in comfort. This was beyond even his expectations.” He took a sip of his brandy. “Despite the size of the property, a competent steward is in place. I daresay Colin likely learnt some of managing an estate over the past few decades. The steward will be there to help.”

  “I suppose you are correct,” said Nicholas. “I must admit that I am surprised we have heard naught from James.”

  Fitzwilliam swirled his brandy in his glass. “He is in Brighton. I have wondered if word has reached him.”

  With a swift turn of her head, Elizabeth gave an incredulous laugh. “And how have you come by that information?”

  “Simple.” He held up his glass as if toasting. “After the quickening, Thomas and I hired an investigator to watch James and report on his general whereabouts as well as any plans to travel. The man has been quite thorough and has even taken employment as a groomsman from Thomas’s wayward nephew in order to gain information more readily. James has been at the Royal Pavilion in Brighton with Prinny for the past fortnight.”

  A snicker came from Nicholas. “He must be attempting to win a few pounds to pay his debts.”

  Elizabeth closed her eyes and shook her head. James would bring his own ruin. Thank goodness, he had not seemed concerned about Alexander and shown his face at Worthstone. “More than a few pounds are required to pay off the tens of thousands James owes. I do not care where he goes so long as he stays far away.” A murmured agreement came from Jane before she took a sip of her drink.

  “He will not come near you at Pemberley.” Fitzwilliam chuckled and finished off his glass.

  She started and turned to him, her neck becoming rigid. “I beg your pardon?” Pemberley? Who said anything of Pemberley?”

  He set down his glass and rested his hands on the arms of the chair. “Well, with you spending your mourning period at Pemberley, I shall be present to protect you and Alexander. Once we are married, he would be a fool to attempt harming you.”

  “Once we are married?” Elizabeth’s eyebrows had not remained idle but had risen incrementally with each bit that Fitzwilliam revealed.

  “Yes, when we are married.”

  Elizabeth stood and walked closer to the fireplace before she whirled around. “Forgive me, but I thought a proposal preceded a betrothal, and for the life of me, I cannot remember receiving one.”

  “Perhaps we should leave the two of you to talk.” Jane leaned forward as if to stand.

  Elizabeth threw out a hand in Jane’s direction. “No, you and Nicholas may remain. I have naught to hide at this point. After all, Fitzwilliam has told you all.”

  “We have discussed this,” said Fitzwilliam in a frustratingly even tone. “It has always been understood that we would marry.”

  “So, because we have had a relationship and I have borne your son, I do not deserve to be courted or receive a formal proposal? Does the fact that you have shared my bed make me less worthy than a maiden o
r someone you might have met in a more traditional manner?”

  “Of course not!”

  Though she found no humour in the situation, she gave a laugh. “Thomas may not have been much of a husband, yet even he made an attempt at courting me. His proposal sounded more a business arrangement, but in the end, I suppose it was. I was simply the ideal broodmare in his view.” She covered her eyes with her hands for a moment before she crossed her arms over her chest with a huff. “And who determined I was to live at Pemberley during my mourning, because I have yet to hear of it?”

  Fitzwilliam gaped at her as though she had suddenly sprouted antlers. “Why would you not? ’Tis as safe as anywhere.”

  She shrugged her arms up to her sides and dropped them heavily. “We have done all we can to prevent talk, and you expect me to pass a year at Pemberley.” She closed her eyes while she tamped down the tirade that threatened to explode from her chest. “You have spoken of your intention to place Georgiana in school this autumn. Is it to be just the two of us at Pemberley?”

  He stood and stepped towards her. “Lizzy,” he said in that voice that begged her patience. Why did that tone only increase her ire?

  “If only the two of us live in that house, you know what people will say—what rumours will abound. Do you know how long it has been since I have seen my family?” She leaned forward and put her hands on her hips. “Well, do you?” He opened his mouth to speak, but she pointed to Jane while she attempted to control the shaking of her entire body. “With the exception of my aunt, my uncle, and Jane, I have not spent time with my family in nearly two years. Instead, I have passed that time being controlled by a man who I thought I could trust, yet I could not. Did you think I would appreciate you planning my life for me without my say? Did you think I would enjoy being informed that I am to marry you?”

  He peered over to Nicholas, who picked a piece of fluff from his breeches while his lips were pressed tightly together. His cousin did not look at him.

  “My brother knows better than to put his oar in.” She ignored the untouched glass of sherry she had set on a side table and poured herself a small measure of brandy. “I love you, Fitzwilliam, yet you can be the most infuriating man. You might run Pemberley and make decisions for Georgiana, but you do not control me.” She downed the brandy and grimaced at the bite.

  “Elizabeth,” he said as he stood and stepped toward her. “You are overreacting.”

  Jane gasped, and Nicholas groaned and covered his face. She could not have agreed more, though she merely lifted her eyebrows once again.

  “I am overreacting? Apparently, I must protect my own reputation since you do not give a care. If I remained under your roof for a year, I would be considered your mistress, but then I suppose by some definition, I already am, so why would you think I should behave any differently?”

  “Elizabeth—”

  “What would happen if I live at Pemberley? Would we have a similar arrangement to here where you sneak into my chambers every evening? Where Lalande wakes you early enough to creep back to your rooms? What if I were to become with child again before my mourning is complete?”

  She pressed her hands together in almost a praying gesture, meanwhile praying for enough patience to keep from completely humiliating him. “I do not want the world claiming me to be some wanton whore. I do not want people speaking of me in such terms to Alexander one day either. I shall not go to Pemberley. I have no fixed plans, but believe me, I shall make some, and soon.”

  Lord, but she needed to get away! She had already said too much, and if she kept at her rant, she would simply keep repeating the same arguments. Before Fitzwilliam could say a word, she pivoted on her heel and departed the library, slamming the door behind her.

  The three of them flinched at the loud bang of the door.

  “She is correct,” said Carlisle as he placed his glass on the table. “She cannot live with you at Pemberley for a year without Georgiana there, and before you insist on keeping Georgiana from school another year, remember this was your father’s plan. She must go to school.

  “Jane and I shall talk to Elizabeth. She will not behave in a foolhardy fashion, I assure you.”

  He dropped back into his chair and groaned. “I only want to protect them, to spend time with my son.”

  “But you can,” said Jane who stood and put a hand on his shoulder, lightly squeezing. “I hoped to convince her to come to Hertfordshire. Whether she stays at Netherfield with us or at Stoke, we can ensure she is safe. She can also spend time with Mama, Papa, and my sisters.”

  Fitzwilliam dropped his head and closed his eyes. He could not spend a year without Elizabeth. He had already spent too much time missing her. Was he truly going to have to endure this for another year?

  Jane lowered beside the chair to better catch his eye. “You can visit us as well. I believe she will insist on living at Stoke, so you can stay with us and call on her—court her and ask Papa’s permission. You might not live with her, but she will not keep Alexander from you. You will see him as much as possible. She knows you love her just as you know she loves you. Treat her as a lady of free will, with a sound mind of her own, and she will accept you happily when the time comes.”

  He gripped his hands at his sides. “I have always treated her thus.”

  “Today, you assumed a great deal,” said Jane. “The duke’s demands of her, as well as her love for you, have influenced her—have changed her. She is not the same impressionable girl who accepted a duke’s hand two years ago. You must allow her to have her say and not command her. Even before, she would have chafed, but now if you do not take care, you will push her away.”

  Carlisle moved to stand beside Jane and took her hand as she stood. “My wife not only knows Lizzy, but she is wise. You would do well to take her advice.”

  That sinking in his chest echoed that Jane was correct. Elizabeth had married Thomas to help her family and more specifically her sisters, yet Thomas had used her. He had his own intentions and, when she did not comply, he forced matters to have his way. She may not have shown it to him, but at times, she must have felt rather helpless over her own fate.

  “I shall speak to her.”

  “I would leave her be,” said Jane. “If I am not mistaken, she has probably fled to the gardens. Allow her to walk off her frustrations. She will come to you before long.”

  He rubbed his hand back and forth on his forehead. “She mentioned before her demand to have a say in what happens to her, but my only desire is to be with her and Alexander. I confess I did not consider the ramifications. The propriety of her visit was never something we needed to consider in the past.”

  Jane smiled softly and clasped her other hand over where hers joined with her husband’s. “You are close to having everything you have wanted for so long. I know you do not rejoice in your cousin’s death, yet his passing has provided a way for you to eventually join your life with my sister’s. I have no doubts it will happen, but you must have patience. You still have a year to wait.”

  He turned to look out the window, catching a glimpse of her black mourning gown as it disappeared behind a tall hedge. Lord, he despised black on her. The colour did not do her justice as much as certain shades of red or even green.

  A deep breath shoved away that niggling unease in his gut that pressed him to chase her down. She could be such a stubborn and wilful woman—such a contrast to Georgiana and his mother. He loved her independence, yet he always failed to consider her perspective.

  She appeared at the end of the hedgerow and walked towards the front door of the house. He clasped his hands behind his back and stood rigid to restrain himself from meeting her there. He needed to heed Jane’s counsel on this. As well as he knew Elizabeth, Jane’s knowledge of her sister was far superior and more worth his consideration.

  Carlisle clapped him on the back. “We will convince her to come to Hertfordshire. Settle Georgiana in school then follow us there. You will be welcome at Netherfield anyt
ime.”

  “Why do you believe she will insist on living at Stoke?” He would prefer her stay at Netherfield with her sister. He and Carlisle would ensure her safety by employing people to remain at Stoke with her, but James and any other man seeking the fortune at her disposal would be less likely to approach her while she was under his cousin’s protection.

  “She told Jane some nonsense about giving us our privacy. Netherfield is not Pemberley or even Worthstone, but ’tis large enough to afford us more than enough solitude. Do not fret like a woman, we have not given up hope she will live with us.”

  He continued to stare at the gardens as the door opened and closed behind him. Why did he allow his heart to overrule his head? Elizabeth was correct and thought of the repercussions he overlooked in his determination to be with her and their son. Why could she not understand how much he despised their separation?

  That evening, she took dinner in her rooms and retired without resolving a thing between them. When he climbed into the strange bed in his chamber, he immediately jumped out and drank a large brandy. Perhaps drinking himself to sleep would work since he would not find sleep any other way.

  Elizabeth lifted her hand and knocked upon the study door—not that she knew why she did. Since Thomas’s death, it was as much her domain as it was Fitzwilliam’s, yet she had never entered one of Thomas’s rooms without knocking, especially after Pemberley.

  “Yes,” he called.

  She entered and closed the door behind her. When Fitzwilliam looked up from the ledger, his eyes flared for a moment. Dark circles shadowed the undersides of his eyes. She lived in a slightly exhausted state from waking during the night with Alexander, so it took her a short time to find sleep, but she had slept last night. Had he?

  “I spoke to Jane after our disagreement, and we spoke again this morning. She has insisted Alexander and I pass our mourning at Netherfield, and I have accepted. Pray understand how much I would dearly love to see my family. At Netherfield, I shall be close enough to do so without my mother pressing me towards a place at Bedlam. You must know why I cannot stay at Pemberley. I do love your home. You also have to know how much I love you, but I cannot think only of myself. I need to consider Alexander as well as our future.”