The Friendship Formula

by Caroline Millington

  ♦ Someone to take your side when your boss is being an idiot.

  ♦ Cries when you tell them you want to leave your job but encourages you to do it anyway because they want the best for you.

  ♦ A tea and coffee buddy.

  ♦ Emergency tampon supplies.

  More than just (work) friends

  According to LinkedIn’s 2014 Relationships@Work study, office-based friendships are changing: 67 per cent of millennials are likely to share personal details including salary, relationships and family issues with co-workers, compared to only about one third of baby boomers.

  Building personal relationships at work can help us feel connected, making us more motivated and productive – but how do you move a work friend into ‘real life’, from professional to personal?

  Make sure you’re on the same page and try not to take offence if they’d rather keep your friendship to office hours only. A friend of mine was shocked when someone she worked with suggested they spend the day together at the weekend. They got on, but as far as my friend was concerned, it was a work-based bond. Remember, just because you get on well with someone, doesn’t automatically make them a friend. It took me a long time to get my head around that and realize that, sometimes, you have to accept your place in the friendship circle the other person puts you in!

  If you find you have a million things in common beyond your boss, suggest an outing that’s related to your shared interests – a film, sports event or gig. You’ll know after spending time together outside work if you’re meant to be more than just office buddies. Pick your work friends wisely: you don’t want someone who will repeat a confidence so you become office gossip.

  The ‘work wife’/‘work husband’

  Many people refer to their closest friends in the office as their ‘work wife’ or ‘work husband’. I’ve had a few ‘work brothers’ too.

  Take Nick for example. The first time I met Nick, it didn’t go well. He loves to regale people with the fact that I was mean to him the first day we worked together. I made a sarcastic comment that went down like a cup of sick – and I’ve been trying to make up for it ever since! There’s nearly a decade age gap but it makes no difference – he’s my little brother from another mother, my favourite person to fly with and one of my most trusted friends. Because he forgave the terrible start to our friendship (I’m sorry, Nick!), we bonded over our love of strong tea, Pink and travel.

  I found a ‘work wife’, Jessica, in another office. We bonded over our love of Taylor Swift and nineties movies, and our friendship has flourished through a number of job changes (mine) and a wedding and a baby (hers), because there is so much more to us than the environment we worked in.

  I’ve worked with hundreds, if not thousands of people. I didn’t like everyone I shared office space with and I’m sure there were plenty of people who didn’t think I was their cup of tea either. And that’s fine. When your work relationship ends, a true friendship should continue out in the real world. It’s no longer fuelled by office gossip, unrealistic deadlines and comparing hangovers after too much Prosecco at the Christmas party. It’s about making the effort to meet up and invest time in each other’s lives.

  Beware the false work friend

  At one point in my career it was a daily ritual to hit the pub afterwards. We’d head to the nearest overpriced bar or pub and dissect the day, moaning about management and bitching about things going wrong. It turned out to be the worst practice. Instead of leaving office issues where they belonged, the group thrashed them out for hours. There was no time to decompress. Those precious hours that should be for relaxing and thinking about anything but work were saturated with office drama – and what can happen in these situations is an implosion. Bitching. Infighting. People taking sides. Friends refusing to take sides. Never mind the celebrity dramas we were writing about, the office turned into a daily soap opera.

  Be mindful of the time you spend with people from work and the conversations that take place. Any issues that arise after one too many drinks can spill back into the work environment and make for awkward meetings. You don’t need to share your personal life with everyone at work so set clear boundaries, even in social situations.

  Know who you can trust, and don’t get drawn into any conversation you’re not comfortable with. The last thing you need is someone repeating a private pub conversation in the workplace and it having a negative impact on your career.

  Work friendship rules:

  ♦ Remember your friendship will last longer than the job you are in.

  ♦ Treat each other with respect.

  ♦ Don’t take office politics out of the building, enjoy the time you spend together outside of work and don’t discuss anything to do with your job.

  ♦ Set boundaries on how you treat each other in the workplace – over-familiarity between friends can lead other people to thinking they can speak to you and treat you in the same way. I had a ‘no swearing until after 6 p.m.’ rule which helped!

  ♦ If someone asks lots of questions but doesn’t give away much about themselves, be wary.

  ♦ Enjoy your friendship but be mindful of excluding others. You don’t want to be thought of as cliquey.

  The Friendship Formula survey…

  How has a ‘work wife’ or ‘work husband’ supported you?

  ‘I was feeling very lonely after my son was born, as a single mum of two children. My ‘work husband’ took me out to the cinema, called over with junk food and movies. It later bloomed into a romance and we now have a child, and he’s about to become a real husband!’

  ‘I had a tough time last year, I was going through a lot of shit. She always sent me little messages, and even sent me your first book, Kindfulness, as a surprise in the post once!’

  ‘When I had a disagreement with my boss over my contract, she was there to make light of it and help me feel less anxious.’

  ‘I think you should embrace every friendship that you come across, especially at work. We spend so much time there, we need to have those friendships to keep us human.’

  ‘I’ve sat next to the same person at work for the last ten years, so she’s definitely my ‘work wife’. We chat all day and I tell her things that I wouldn’t tell some of my closest friends. We have similar personalities and have got each other through incredibly tough times at work and in our personal lives. We’ve worked together for a long time and I know her probably as well as I know my best friends outside work.’

  ‘I do believe that female friends can be worse to each other than male friends, simply because, for whatever reason, women have a stronger emotional language. We’re encouraged more to use that… We talk about what we’re feeling about deep things. Maybe they’re not even particularly deep, in the grand scheme of things, but they’re things that matter to us. So, when you give someone that power, you’re showing them where your buttons are. If you pick wrong, and someone turns around and short-circuits those buttons, I think it hurts more.’

  Anne Hathaway

  7

  Letting go of a friend

  It’s over. Sometimes it fizzles out or disappears so slowly you barely notice; at other times there could be a major drama that sees a shock end. There’s no way we can carry every friend we ever make through our lives with us. Remember that magic number, 150? As new people come into our lives, something – or someone – has got to give. We make way for new friends, the ones who really do bring us joy, by letting go of others.

  It can be both liberating and unsettling as your friendship circle shifts. Adulting often feels like a never-ending quest to please others, but there is one person who you should be putting before anyone else: yourself. It can be painful to see friendships sacrificed, bonds broken, feelings discarded, but along the way you’ll make new friends and invest in people you have more in common with.

  Why do friendships change – and how do we let go of good people, guilt-free?

  Breaking up is hard to do

 
Often friendships fade away because of a lack of balance. We all know that the best kind of friends reciprocate the time, energy and dedication we put in. When it feels off-kilter, it can really challenge your commitment.

  As our lives take different paths – careers, relationships, travel, children – friendships come under pressure, and it takes effort on both sides to continue. While we once had everything in common, changing lifestyles can dramatically impact on people’s availability and means to do things together.

  Even if you continue to spend time together, one or both of you may grow frustrated at the quality of the experience. You can both end up feeling taken for granted. There have been times when I’ve felt like I’m going through the motions in a friendship rather than relishing it, which leaves me feeling confused and questioning my worth. Long-term friendships may grow in parallel, closer, or apart. The things that drew us together in the first place may no longer exist. That magic connection dissolves over time. Unlike marriage, we never exchange vows with our best friends. It’s an unspoken promise to be in each other’s lives – and we’re not obligated to friends the same way we are to our partners or even family members.

  Friends are elastic and friends won’t hold you back from falling in love, pursuing your career or travelling abroad. Best friends support each other in their life choices, even when it means you won’t see as much of them anymore. Because best of friends – the ones whose hearts are truly connected – never lose their bond.

  Friendships ebb and fade with frequency. A 2009 study by sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst found in a seven-year period most people had replaced half of their friends, with only 30 per cent of close friends remaining so. Sometimes, however, friends drift apart, consciously or not.

  Distance

  Physical and emotional. You can have a BFF at work one minute but, when one of you leaves, you realize the friendship never actually went much deeper than office talk. Yes, you talked about your personal life and problems over lunch, but when it came to getting a date in the diary one night after work, neither of you got round to it.

  Other mates might move to another town – or even country – and while you stay in touch on social media, visiting them is just not a priority and the friendship slowly fizzles down to Christmas cards. They’ve naturally moved from your inner circle to the outer one. Neither of you are hurt by this, it just seems like a natural progression.

  Friendships sometimes slip away from us so unexpectedly and quietly we don’t even notice, and then when we do, it feels like too much time has passed to reach back and grasp them by the hand. We’re all guilty of maintaining a friendship for history’s sake. You’re not emotionally invested in them but can’t bring yourself to cause a fuss and cut ties, especially if they are part of a bigger friendship group.

  Money matters

  When it comes to friends, financial imbalance can play a part in a relationship shift. Money – or lack of it – can cause a huge issue in friendships.

  One UK survey found that half of ‘low earners’ have cancelled plans with friends because they worried it would end up being too expensive, and 39 per cent of ‘high earners’ have deliberately stopped spending time with people because of financial incompatibility. In fact, the same survey found that half of the ‘high earners’ look for friends who earn a similar amount of money to them, while lower earners revealed that money had more impact on friendships than geographical distance, difference in politics or having children. So, the payday problem can be a serious one.

  In the UK, revealing what you earn is still fairly taboo. According to the survey, it’s even more taboo for women: 80 per cent say they’ve avoided discussing their salary with family and friends, while 32 per cent feel uncomfortable talking about it altogether. I don’t know what my friends earn, but I was shocked by the results of the survey and the impact your salary can have on mates.

  Money does impact on friendships to some degree, and when planning time together it can play a huge factor – but, for me, friendship is worth more than any amount in the bank. We’ve all had that one friend who found themselves earning more than others and moved into a different network of friends who can afford to splash their cash. Ultimately, though, it’s all about compromise and communication. If money is tight, tell your friends you haven’t got much spare cash and suggest a free-ish fun challenge – each take it in turns to organize a get-together for under a set amount of money each. Or let friends know you’re short on cash before you book a dinner – take control and decide on a cheap and cheerful venue. Better still, if you’re able to play hostess, cook a budget dish and ask everyone to bring a bottle.

  When it comes to birthdays, true friends would rather spend time with you than have expensive gifts. A small, meaningful gift is better than money splashed on something fancy with no thought behind it. Get creative. Some of my favourite presents have been paintings, a book with a heartfelt message written inside or a homemade cake. Love doesn’t cost a thing.

  When the pay gap becomes glaringly obvious in a friendship, acknowledge it but don’t make it a big deal. Either of you can feel awkward if it keeps rearing up as an issue, but investing in your friendship is more important than the amount of money you spend when you’re together. We all go through periods when we have more or less cash to play with, so treat your friends when you can.

  Friendship fallouts

  In 2017, a study of 2,000 UK adults found that the average person has sixteen friends and acquaintances – but they don’t actually like three of them! Which explains why they’re let go from the friendship circle.

  The survey found these were the top fifteen reasons we don’t like our own friends:

  1. Having nothing in common.

  2. Being too bossy or controlling.

  3. A difference of opinions.

  4. How they behave when they’ve been drinking.

  5. Being too high-maintenance.

  6. Leading different lifestyles.

  7. Use of language.

  8. They’ve let you down.

  9. Sense of humour.

  10. How they treat their partner.

  11. They’ve changed.

  12. Political affiliations.

  13. How they treat their children.

  14. Not liking the people they hang out with.

  15. Being blanked by them.

  When I look at this list, I see some issues that can be talked through and resolved and others that are too toxic to have in your life. So, what to do when you find yourself in this predicament?

  Deciding to let go!

  Ask yourself the following questions when considering letting a friendship go:

  ♦ What is the purpose of this friendship?

  ♦ Are they a good friend to you?

  ♦ What has changed?

  ♦ Are you both responsible for the change?

  ♦ Do you want to put more effort in or can’t be bothered?

  ♦ Can the friendship grow?

  ♦ Do you miss them if you don’t see or hear from them for a long time?

  ♦ How do you feel at the thought of only keeping in touch casually – upset, relieved, guilty?

  ♦ Are you ready to let the friendship go?

  You might find that there’s a lack of time but you don’t want to give up on the friendship. Speak to your friend and say something like, ‘We don’t have enough free time to see each other as much as I’d like, but let’s try to get something in the diary and make sure we catch up as regularly as we can.’ You’re committing to the friendship even if it’s only once or twice a year. That might be enough for you both. Or you might realize you don’t even want to broach the subject, and while you wish them well, you don’t miss having them in your life. Give yourself permission to let them go, guilt-free!

  The Kindfulness guide to friendship

  Allow yourself to phase out a friendship if you no longer think you have anything in common. Do you feel you should maintain a friendship but not sure how? Sugge
st things you like to do – trip to the cinema, day out at a theme park, spa day, shopping – and if they’re not interested, take it as an opportunity to mention that you don’t seem to have much in common any more.

  If a friend always feels the need to control your time together – picking the activity or venue, times and who can or can’t join you – it can really take its toll. If you want to salvage the friendship, organize some time together without their input; if they object or try to take control, take the opportunity to explain that you BOTH need to decide on plans. In my experience, friends who need to control the time you spend together suffer from anxiety or lack of self-confidence, so it’s always worth broaching their mental health too.

  Suggest group activities with other mutual friends and stop seeing them one-on-one. This might be enough for you. Take a moment to notice your friendships and if you’ve been shifted from one circle to another without realizing. Don’t take this personally – especially if it hadn’t occurred to you until now! – but respect the person’s boundaries and enjoy any time you do spend with them.

  I’ve seen friendships ebb and flow. I’ve lost friends because of silly mistakes and a lack of communication. I’ve watched as friends edge out of the room slowly, backing away from the bond we once had. At other times, I’ve been so caught up in my own life I’ve turned around and realized a friend is no longer there. They got up and left, and I didn’t notice.

  How to deal with losing a friendship

  It’s only natural to feel sad or upset, but accept that people come into our lives for a reason – sometimes to teach us something or introduce us to a new way of looking at life. The friendship may be over, but carry with you any life lessons you’ve picked up along the way.