The Friendship Formula

by Caroline Millington

  Accept that the friendship is over but allow yourself to look back at the good times and feel happy.

  Look at the friendships you do have and what you love about them. Surround yourself with positive people who you enjoy spending time with.

  If you’re still friends with them on social media, allow yourself to unfollow them or – if you’re worried about blocking them – simply mute their account so it doesn’t show up in your feed.

  You can still want the best for someone even if you don’t want them to play a big part in your life any more. Don’t beat yourself up about it. If you miss them but you simply drifted apart rather than had an epic fallout, feel free to send a Christmas card and update them with your news from the year, tell them you think of them and wish them well.

  It’s important to remember, you might grow apart from a friend for a while, but sometimes life draws you back together again. If there’s been no toxic breakup, I think it’s a good idea to keep the door to friends open and let each other come and go as much as you both want.

  If you feel like you’ve neglected a friendship and it fizzled out because you didn’t put enough effort in, don’t be too embarrassed to get in touch. Send a card in the post saying, ‘Saw this and thought of you’ or a text. If you don’t hear back, they’ve clearly moved on with their life, but you have nothing to lose.

  ‘Learning the difference between lifelong friendships and situationships: Something about “we’re in our young twenties!” hurls people together into groups that can feel like your chosen family. And maybe they will be for the rest of your life. Or maybe they’ll just be your comrades for an important phase, but not forever. It’s sad but sometimes when you grow, you outgrow relationships. You may leave behind friendships along the way, but you’ll always keep the memories.’

  Taylor Swift

  The Friendship Formula survey…

  Have you ever let a friendship fade out?

  ‘Plenty of times! I’m a real believer that you have friends for reasons, seasons and forever. Most of the time I let it go. People will come back into your life if they’re meant to.’

  ‘Distance has made friendships fade. I feel I am still holding on to my best friend from secondary school but do wonder if we’d be friends if we met today.’

  ‘Yes, a very good friendship lasting five years simply faded out when I found a new career and she found a new friendship group who prefer to party.’

  ‘More so as I’ve got older – I think I’m more accepting of it now. Just because you lose touch, doesn’t mean it wasn’t a successful or worthwhile friendship.’

  ‘In the past I tried to force it to continue, now I just let it fade out. You can only have so many meaningful friendships.’

  ‘If friends disappoint you over and over, that’s in large part your own fault. Once someone has shown a tendency to be self-centred, you need to recognize that and take care of yourself; people aren’t going to change simply because you want them to.’

  Oprah Winfrey

  8

  Toxic fallouts

  We’ve looked at friendship circles and letting friendships go when they naturally fizzle out – but have you noticed any red flags? The toxic.

  It’s time to take an inventory of your own friendships. Negativity in friendships is unhealthy, and it’s important to recognize the signs so you can either make changes or end the friendship for good. Yes, there are ups and downs and even disagreements and fallouts, but conflict shouldn’t be central to any relationship. If there are people in your life who regularly upset you, make you question your self-worth, put you down or try to control you, it’s time to step away.

  Brexit. Boyfriends. Booze. Bullying. There are many catalysts that can cause the toxic end of a friendship. You may have once enjoyed a balanced and healthy friendship, but sometimes people change and if you’re no longer enjoying a fulfilling and happy relationship you have to give yourself permission to put your own needs first and walk away.

  If you’re thinking about some particular friends in your life, here are a few things to consider:

  You do NOT have to agree with your friend on everything

  Many of my friends have different views to me on politics and religion – two topics that are notoriously controversial – but we can still enjoy discussing them because we respect each other. Debating and discussing contentious issues can help you see another point of view, expand your knowledge and reinforce your viewpoint. Be willing to listen. Talk about it reasonably and feel free to agree or disagree. Remember, surrounding yourself only with people who agree with all your opinions can create an echo chamber – and is quite frankly boring! But don’t allow someone to belittle your beliefs.

  What are your friendship deal-breakers?

  While you might be able to remain close with a friend who votes differently to you, what are your deal-breakers? You might be mates for years, when a news story throws up a controversial subject you don’t agree on. You can quickly agree to disagree and move on, but know where your boundaries are. For me personally, I’ve called friends out on racism and homophobia – and, yes, it changed my opinion of them and I distanced myself from them too.

  Moral dilemmas

  Some of the most important friendships in my life have ended not because of distance or lack of time but a dynamic shift in the other person’s life. There was a friend who distanced herself from me, leaving me hurt and bewildered. It turned out she’d had stuff going on in her personal life she thought I’d judge her on. She was wrong and had cut me off for no reason. Another friendship came crashing down because she had left her partner for someone else but continued to lie to her ex about the new relationship for months. The situation made me into a liar and I lost all respect for the way she was treating her ex. Know your boundaries. It’s not about judging other people, but if friends act in a way that makes you uncomfortable you are entitled to a) call them out on it and b) walk away from the friendship guilt-free.

  Frenemies and signs of a toxic friendship

  It can start small. A little retort that throws you but is followed up with a smile, leaving you confused. Did your friend just diss you or are you being ‘oversensitive’? As someone who has been described as ‘too sensitive’ by people in the past (and it wasn’t meant as a compliment), I believe that it’s a lazy, rude and demeaning way to dismiss a friend’s feelings.

  I’ve learnt that I might be sensitive, but if friends feel the need to point this out, they also need to take a long, hard look at their behavior which is provoking my sensitive and emotional response. In my experience, friends have been very happy to enjoy the benefits of my sensitivity – the ability to feel a shift in their mood, an empathetic ear when they want to offload, a soothing counselling session when times are tough – but on a couple of occasions my feelings have been all too easily dismissed.

  If friends are happy to enjoy the best side of your sensitivity, they should also respect the emotional side that comes with it. People misspeak and often it’s without malice, but if you notice a pattern of behaviour from a friend in which you feel like they are putting you down, dismissing your opinions or ideas, quashing good news with their own, or clearly questioning life decisions you have full confidence in, it’s time to take a good look at that person and decide if having them in your life brings you happiness.

  If anyone makes you feel diminished, belittled, used or humiliated, you need a serious conversation with them about their behaviour and how it makes you feel, or you need to walk away. Often this kind of toxic behaviour is fuelled by jealously and resentment – classic frenemy traits.

  The Urban Dictionary defines a frenemy as: ‘A person in your life (usually friend of friend or co-worker) who you get along with and whose overall company you enjoy but who will cut you down at virtually any opportunity with mostly backhanded compliments or jabs. Always roots for you to do good but just not better than them. Normally stems from some jealousy to any or all aspects of your life.’ Sound fa
miliar? Yep, me too.

  My rule is to give them one chance. Have a conversation about how one example of their behaviour made you feel and explore it with them. If that behaviour doesn’t change, make a conscious decision not to spend time with them. People often aren’t aware of how hurtful their actions and words can be when they are so caught up in their own pain, and sometimes pointing out that what they said was hurtful and rude can be enough of a wake-up call to stop the behaviour and get your friendship back on track.

  Signs of a toxic friend

  Confused about whether a friend’s behaviour is toxic or just a bit off? Consider the following…

  They ask to catch up but spend the whole time talking about themselves and showing no interest in you. Their personal psychodrama is intense and you keep being pulled into it, leaving you drained and frustrated.

  Shows little sympathy for your problems and is likely to hijack an issue as their own, explaining they’re going through the same thing only a million times worse.

  Only sees you on their terms – as and when it suits them with little regard for you, making you feel like you revolve around them.

  There’s an ongoing joke and you’re the punchline. Even when you don’t laugh or explain that you don’t find it funny, they keep the joke going at your expense in front of others.

  They put you down: your choice in partners, TV shows, hobbies or clothes. Sometimes it can be really subtle: ‘You like that? Really? OK…’, leaving you wondering if you’re over-analyzing what that meant. If this is a constant in your friendship, they are undermining your decision-making and wearing down your self-confidence.

  They put down other friends of yours, making it difficult for you to socialize together as a group and leaving you feeling very awkward.

  They sabotage your happiness by making you doubt yourself. Rather than supporting a new health kick, career change or relationship, they encourage you to rebel, cheat, take a day off, not tie yourself down, just be happy with what you’ve got. ‘You used to be so much fun/don’t be boring,’ etc.

  Co-dependent friendships that turn toxic

  Many of the friendships I’ve experienced or witnessed that turned sour have been co-dependent. By that I mean, one party is the ‘taker’ – often bouncing from one life crisis to another, something of a drama queen/king, and demanding attention – while the other person is a ‘giver’, who takes on the role of a rescuer to the extreme of becoming a martyr and thriving off being needed.

  While this kind of friendship can happily last for years with both people satisfied and fulfilled by their roles, it can also come to a head. The ‘taker’ may experience some personal growth that leads to a less dramatic lifestyle, leaving the ‘giver’ feeling unwanted and no longer needed. Or the ‘giver’ could begin to feel that the support only goes one way and starts setting boundaries that the ‘taker’ doesn’t like.

  Givers can begin to suffer from ‘compassion fatigue’ where they feel put-upon and exhausted by supporting others; they may realize they need help to be more assertive in friendships, validating themselves rather than relying on being needed by others to make them feel good about themselves.

  Sometimes there can be a fallout between the friends when they don’t feel their needs are being met – I’ve witnessed a ‘taker’ move on and find another ‘giver’ friend, while the ‘giver’ finds a new ‘taker’ friend in crisis to support. Sadly, it’s a cycle of behaviour not often recognized by those personally involved until one of them may decide to enter counselling or therapy and recognizes repetitive behavioural patterns they can change.

  Either way, it’s not the healthiest of relationships and both people should recognize that and move it onto a more equal footing, being there for each other in times of need.

  Having a difficult conversation

  You’ve got something you need to get off your chest but you don’t know how to say it. Broach a difficult conversation with kindness at the heart of it and a clear intention to set a boundary. Try: ‘You know the other day when you said/did xxx? I actually found it hurtful. I wanted to find out what motivated you to say/do it, so we should talk it over and clear the air.’

  By starting the conversation like this, you’re calling them out on their behaviour but clearly stating you want to discuss it and still be friends. No doubt they might be defensive, but a real friend will hear you say you’re hurt, and apologize. You can call attention to their behaviour without punishing them and open up a dialogue which clearly shows you won’t put up with being treated like this in the future.

  If they laugh off the comment or dismiss your attempt to open a conversation about it, repeat what you said: ‘But I was hurt by what you said/did.’ No one should dismiss your feelings, and this should be a strong boundary set so the behaviour isn’t repeated in the future.

  If they still don’t take what you’re saying seriously or suggest the hurt is due to your sensitivity instead of their actions, try: ‘I understand it might not have been your intention to offend me, but your words/actions did.’

  Hopefully this will be enough to elicit an apology and modify the way they talk to you in future. You’ve drawn a very clear line that they should respect. If you experience something similar in the future, it’s much easier to refer back to this conversation. ‘Remember when we talked about the way you made me feel when you said/did xxx? You’ve done it again by xxx.’

  Repetitive behaviour of this kind suggests your friend doesn’t respect your boundaries. While hurtful, this is not the kind of person you deserve in your life, so I’d say it’s time to call time on the friendship and walk away knowing you gave them a chance, explained their behaviour was hurtful and set a clear boundary.

  Before you cut a friend out

  Before you make the decision to remove a toxic friend from your life, check in and make sure there’s not something bigger going on which is causing them to act out in this way. Surely they weren’t like this when you became friends? (If they were and you’ve just realized it, please feel free to step away now.)

  People’s behaviour often changes in times of crisis. If they have suddenly started distancing themselves, it could be because of something they are going through rather than something you have done. You are allowed to be hurt but also have to accept we can’t control other people and that their actions are not a reflection of your worth.

  Open up a dialogue and tell them you are there for them if they are going through something difficult. If they dismiss it out of hand, you have done the right thing by offering support and can walk away without feeling bad about it.

  If there is no cause and you tolerate their bad behaviour, you are enabling them. The longer you don’t speak up, the more you are signalling that you accept the way in which you are being treated, and the longer it will continue. They might not even be aware that their treatment of you is rude.

  The few friendships I have had turn toxic have often been due to their behaviour after drinking alcohol. When you call people out on this, you’re often regarded as a bore, uptight, a killjoy, etc. Ultimately, however, if someone’s attitude and the way they act upsets you, causes anxiety or ruins your time together, you are entitled to ask them not to drink so much. If they refuse, spend less time with them. You are not responsible for another adult, and if your time together is spoilt by alcohol there is a problem – and it’s not yours.

  How to deal with a toxic friend

  You’ve had a conversation and explained their behaviour has upset you but you feel the friendship is over – what next?

  Limit your contact

  Many of us find the idea of ending a friendship dramatic and overwhelming, but you can limit your contact with the person and see if there’s a balance you can maintain. If you still care for them, arrange to see them in a group situation with mutual friends. If it’s their behaviour while drinking that causes an issue, always leave before the end of the night and make sure you’ve planned your journey home. For many people, mov
ing a frenemy from your inner friendship circle to an outer one and limiting your time with them is an easier option than cutting them out of your life completely, especially if you have many mutual pals. If this is the best option for you, it doesn’t make you weak or a walkover. Just make the decision that feels right to you.

  Let it go

  If you’ve had that conversation and/or limited your time with them and your friend is still upsetting you, walk away. You can explain in a letter or message, or have a conversation with them. Tell them that you’ve become increasingly upset by their attitude towards you, especially when A, B, C happened. Don’t bring anyone else into this; it’s just between you. Say you wish them well in the future but you have to take a break from the friendship because it’s not good for your personal well-being. It might be just the shock they need to take a look at themselves and remedy their behaviour so they get in touch and you can move forward tentatively, but many people may not be able to deal with it. In which case, you are better off without their negativity in your life.

  Managing the fallout

  If you decide to end a friendship there can be a ripple effect within a friendship group and cutting a person out could be socially risky for you. You will no doubt be questioned about what went wrong by mutual friends. In my experience, explain that the behaviour hurt you and left you with no choice but to walk away. Don’t get into a bitching session. Slagging someone off will only reflect badly on you. You may find friends share their own experiences of the person hurting them, or this might be isolated to you. Don’t ask friends to take sides. This is your experience and the best thing you can do is walk away and be happy.