“Please tell me you’re not sick, Julia,” Deb implored.
Julia squeezed her hand back. “I’m not sick.”
Deb exhaled in apparent relief and nodded. “Okay. Good.” She released Julia’s hand and smiled, picking up her shot glass and swallowing her tequila smoothly. “So, what’s going on?” Deb asked before she took a long slow sip of beer.
“Thanks for this,” Julia said before she drank deeply from her martini glass. “Well, I need your expert opinion on a hypothetical situation.”
Deb smiled. “Okay. Shoot.” Deb took another small sip of her beer.
Julia gathered her thoughts. “So…let’s say you unexpectedly meet a woman and she’s funny and charming and beautiful and after you have drinks and talk for hours, you spend the night with her…and it’s incredible…the sex…the connection…everything.”
Deb looked more amused than confused. “Okay?”
“In the morning, you ask to see her again, but she says she can’t. She’s…in the closet. You give her your number anyway because you realize, after one night, that you’re falling for her. A few weeks go by and you don’t hear from her. What would you do?”
Deb smiled. “Are you messing with me, Julia?”
Julia took a long slow sip of her martini, trying to keep her expression neutral. “No, I’m as serious as a heart attack. I need your honest opinion on what you would do.”
Deb sipped her beer thoughtfully for a moment. “Okay. I would probably do nothing.”
“Nothing? Why?”
“Because she was either telling the truth and will never be able to be with me openly…or she was lying and it was just a one-night stand for her all along.”
The truth of Deb’s words hit Julia hard and she swallowed deeply, trying not to cry. “Yeah, that’s what I think, too,” she whispered.
“So, who had incredible sex with this beautiful woman?” Deb asked quietly.
“I had incredible sex with her,” Julia said, blinking as her eyes filled with hot, insistent tears as she quickly wiped them away.
Deb was well aware of Julia’s romantic history and knew that history did not include any women. She reached for Julia’s hand. “Julia, hon, talk to me. How did that happen, exactly?”
Julia slowly recounted meeting Maddie, the drinks and dinner and what happened afterward while Deb sat quietly, attentively listening.
“Why now and why this particular woman?” Deb asked her.
Julia shrugged. “I can’t explain it, Deb. I noticed her right away, thought she was gorgeous, and when she talked to me, I found her to be charming and funny.” Julia impatiently wiped away a stray tear. “And she made me feel smart and…beautiful.”
Deb leaned forward. “Hey, you know you’re smart and you have to know how attractive you are. Hon…you’re hot.”
Julia smiled. “Deb, I know how to work with I’ve got…my hair, my make-up and how to dress, but she…Maddie thought what I had to say was important and interesting and that’s what made me attractive to her, not the…package I come in.” Julia bit her lip. “This woman, she said she was impressed by me.”
“Did neither one of your husbands, make you feel…valued?” Deb asked.
Julia shrugged. “Not like this, and when we were together, her focus was not on her needs because, let’s face it…with a man, it almost always comes back to him and what gets him off.”
“I’ll take your word for that,” Deb said with a smile.
Julia smiled back. “Maddie seemed to need to make me feel good, but for my pleasure…not for her own gratification and I found that I was completely invested in her pleasure, too.”
“I think that’s one of the best things about being with a woman.” Deb’s voice was low and quiet. “Making her feel good and beautiful, watching her get off at my hands.”
Julia blew a breath through pursed lips and averted her gaze. “Well, if that was the case for Maddie, she enjoyed herself…a lot.”
Deb laughed quietly. “How many times did she enjoy herself?”
Julia breathed past a brief moment of shyness. “Several…many times. And I more than enjoyed it, too. I fucking reveled in it. It was incredible.” Julia’s voice hitched as she tried to subdue a sob. “She was incredible...smart, gorgeous and young. We had a lot of things in common. We talked all night about art, books, our kids and I was…completely taken with her.”
Deborah watched Julia for a long moment. “I think I know you pretty well. I’ve seen you sick and scared, but I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you quite this vulnerable before. Being with a woman can be highly emotional,” Deb spoke quietly.
“It was a level of intimacy I was not familiar with. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?”
Deborah sighed. “Yes, I do but Julia…what if this woman...” She hesitated.
“Just tell me what you think, Deb,” Julia said.
“As incredible as it was, this…encounter may not have meant to her what it meant to you. I’m sure it meant something to her, but it meant…everything to you.” Julia nodded at Deb, answering the unspoken question before Deb continued. “Even if you had the chance to see her again, what if she can’t be with you openly?” Deb asked quietly.
Julia shook her head. “I don’t know.”
Deb raised an eyebrow, in apparent disbelief. “Julia Sinclair, you are not the kind of woman who can be someone’s dirty little secret,” Deb stated firmly.
“No, I’m not, you’re right about that,” Julia said quietly. “I’ve just never felt like this.”
“I can see that, hon.”
“She would have called by now, right?” Julia watched as Deb met her gaze.
Deb nodded. “I think she would have, yes. I’m sorry, Julia. What can I do?”
“You’re doing it, Deb.”
Julia inhaled deeply and tried not to feel like a foolish girl who had misinterpreted a simple sexual encounter as some sort of sign of genuine emotion. Julia waved at the server to order another round.
◆◆◆
Maddie cursed under her breath as she ran to catch the elevator, just stepping through the quickly closing doors. She rubbed her forehead and tried taking deep breaths to slow her quickly beating heart. As a rule, she was never late for work but this would be the second time this week that she would be cutting it close. She knew it was because she had been having trouble sleeping and that was due, in no small part to constant thoughts of Julia.
Maddie had thought about Julia almost constantly since she had left her in her hotel room. She thought about how much she had enjoyed Julia’s company, how Julia had paid attention to everything she said and how Julia had made her laugh. Maddie thought about how it felt when Julia had touched her and how the sensations had been so powerful, how the orgasms had been so sharp and intense. How Julia had made her feel beautiful and sexy and so many other things when she had touched her.
Maddie thought about watching Julia sleep, how Julia’s face had looked so calm and so beautiful, her arms resting above her head, and how the sheet had barely covered her full and beautiful breasts.
She stepped out of the elevator and walked quickly down the hallway, pulling open the heavy glass door that led to her department. She rushed to her desk, throwing her purse into her left bottom drawer as she reached over to start up her desktop before her boss came out of his office. She noticed that it was already logged in, open to her e-mail.
She blinked in confusion before she saw the yellow sticky note beneath her keyboard. It read, “You owe me. Cocktail tonight? Steven.” She smiled, thanking her friend silently as she quickly checked her e-mail.
After work, Maddie met Steven at the bar on the next block. It was a little too upscale for Maddie’s taste but she knew Steven liked it. She spotted him standing at the quiet end of the bar, his dark hair mussed from pulling his tie off, his shirt unbuttoned, and she smiled. They had worked together for over 5 years, becoming close over the last two. He was the closest thing she had to a
girlfriend besides her sister-in-law, Maria, and she was very grateful for him.
She sat in the bar chair he had saved for her and ordered a sidecar for him as usual, and a lemon drop martini for herself. She saw his eyebrows rise in surprise because she always drank white wine.
“Since when do you drink lemon drop martinis?”
Maddie thought of the lemon drop as Julia’s drink and had ordered her very first one a few days after being with Julia. That night, she had gone to a bar alone for the first time in her life, trying to drown her sorrow over her decision to walk away from Julia. It seemed only right to order one now.
“Since they remind me of someone I’m missing.”
“Okay. Who are you missing?” Steven was watching her closely. Steven’s light blue eyes gazed at her through his rimless glasses.
“Her name is Julia.” Maddie inhaled deeply and let it out slowly. “Steven, this stays between us, okay?”
He nodded. “Of course, as always. What’s going on?”
Maddie paused as their drinks were placed in front of them and she slid some cash across the bar, waving off the bartender’s offer of change. She swallowed deeply from her glass and nodded at Steven. “Okay. I met a woman…Julia… at the hotel bar Friday night. We started to talk, had a drink, she took me to dinner and I…I spent the night with her.”
His eyes widened before he blinked and pulled over the nearest bar chair, falling into it heavily. “Sweet Maddie, you’re serious.”
Steven looked understandably shocked, as he knew this was completely out of character for her. Maddie bit her lip, trying hard to stop from tearing up. “What am I going to do?”
“Why do you have to do something?” He asked quietly. “It was a one-time thing, wasn’t it?”
“No, I’ve never and she’s never...with a woman. It was more than sex and she’s all I can think about.”
Maddie tried to wipe away the moisture on her cheek discreetly, thinking that she had cried more tears over Julia in the last few weeks than she had in years. Steven placed a soft hand on her arm.
“Okay, just tell me what happened,” he said quietly.
Maddie relayed the events of the evening to him, skipping over the most personal details but managing to convey how Julia had treated her, how she had made her feel. She told Steven how Julia wanted to see her again and how she had walked away, afraid of starting a relationship with a woman and having to come out to her family, especially her mother.
“I know your mother can be difficult, but how bad would it be? She’s very nice to me.”
“Until you’re out of earshot. Every time she has seen us together or I mention doing something with you, she reprimands me, reminding me that I’ll never meet a real man if everyone thinks I’m dating you!”
“Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”
“Because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”
He smiled. “Maddie, stop thinking about everyone else’s feelings and start worrying about your own feelings.”
She rubbed her forehead. “I know.”
“You have to live your life, Maddie. Don’t you want to be yourself? Be happy?”
“Of course I do but at what cost? What if I lose my family?”
“What if you lose yourself?”
Maddie shook her head. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
Steven smiled. “I know who you are. You’re my beautiful, smart, kind lesbian friend.”
Maddie looked around self-consciously to ensure that no one had overheard him and then realized what she had done. He shook his head. “Don’t do that. Don’t be ashamed of who you are.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Are you ashamed of me because I’m gay?”
Maddie was horrified. “What? No, of course not! Steven, you know I’m not.”
“Then don’t be ashamed of yourself. Tell me you’re a lesbian.”
“What? You know I am.”
“But you’ve never said it. You’ve always said that you’re attracted to women. Say ‘I’m a lesbian.’”
Maddie looked at him, annoyed with him and embarrassed with herself at the same time. He was right, of course. She had never uttered those words out loud. She bit her lip. She thought about Julia, how she had touched Julia, had made her moan and arch and how Julia had done the same to her.
“I’m a lesbian.” Her voice sounded quiet, but sure to her own ears.
Steven smiled widely. “Yes, you are. If you want to have a life, Maddie, you need to come out to your family, to your mother. It will not be easy. Trust me I know. My father is still not comfortable but we do have a relationship. If your mother loves you, she will get over it.”
“What if you’re wrong?”
“You cannot control other people’s actions, Maddie, just your own, but you need to give her the chance to make her own decision.” Maddie nodded as she finished her martini. “Give her a chance, Mads, that’s all you can do.”
Chapter 8
It was Friday night and all Maddie wanted to do was kick off her pumps and put her feet up while she sipped on a chilled glass of white wine. Instead, she sighed as she struggled to attach a hoop earring as she reluctantly finished dressing for the monthly dinner with her family. Her mother had called earlier and told her where she and Gabriel were expected to be and when. Maddie knew better than to try to back out once she heard the angry clipped tones of her mother’s voice, which meant her mother was in one of her obstinate moods. Maddie dreaded having to smile and socialize, still shaken by the events of her morning and wanting nothing more than to be alone to think.
Maddie had not even been fully awake that morning when she had reached her hand out to the empty space in her bed, expecting Julia to be sleeping there beside her. Even half asleep, she had immediately realized that she was alone and woke completely, blinking in the dim light. She had inhaled deeply, trying to center herself when she realized that her nipples were stiff and hard and that her center was hot and damp with arousal. She had closed her eyes and tried not to cry as sensuous images of Julia played in her mind’s eye.
She remembered Julia straddling her, naked and panting, her full breasts bouncing wildly as Maddie curled her fingers inside her, her neck taut as her head fell back in ecstasy. She thought about how Julia’s gaze had locked on hers as they pleasured each other. She could still envision the stark pain on Julia’s face when Maddie had told her good-bye.
This morning had not been the first morning that a half-asleep Maddie had reached for Julia in her bed, and like every other time it had happened, it left her feeling empty, alone and altogether unsettled.
Maddie tried to stop thinking about Julia as she and Gabe walked into the restaurant where they were meeting their family. She spotted them across the busy dining room, but stopped short when her sister-in-law, Maria, caught her gaze and widened her eyes in an obvious sign of warning.
“Who’s that?” Gabe asked, referring to someone she didn’t recognize sitting at their family’s table. Maddie saw her mother’s shrewd gaze jump from Maria across the crowded dining room to meet her own disbelieving look.
Maddie’s parent had always helped both of their children, financial and otherwise, but that help had always come with conditions. The main condition being the relentless pressure and expectation to do what they wanted, specifically what her mother wanted. Unfortunately, what her mother wanted was for Maddie to be married by now. They had repeatedly tried to set her up with what they considered eligible suitors and Maddie had repeatedly asked them not to do it.
The last time they had tried this, Maddie had threatened to stop speaking to them. Apparently, they had not taken the threat seriously, but why would they? She had rarely pushed back, but tonight, with memories of being with Julia bolstering her, she found that she was angry and fed up with being disrespected and having her feelings completely disregarded.
Gabe looked at her. “Mom, are they kidding with this again?” Gabe knew how his mother felt abo
ut these blind dates and he sounded as angry as she felt.
Maddie watched Gabe march to the table ahead of her and take the seat next to this evening’s eligible candidate so she would not be forced to. She smiled gratefully at him as she slipped into the seat beside Maria, her hand instantly clasped in silent support. Maria had become family when she had married her brother, Lorenzo, years before, but she had become her friend almost as soon as they had met. Maddie loved Maria like a sister, mostly because she was the only person that dared to defy her mother, something that even her brother never dared to do.
She glared at him now. “Enzo, did you lose my phone number or your balls?” she hissed, only loudly enough for his ears.
Enzo had the good sense to look mortified at the uncomfortable situation they all found themselves in and Maddie found herself becoming increasingly angry that no one had dared to challenge her mother. Maddie knew that defying her mother was always a worse choice than capitulating to her but she was disappointed that no one had given her any advance warning.
Maddie’s mother smiled at her and indicated the mystery man. “Layna, this is Tony. He’s a friend of your father’s.”
Maddie knew that was a lie since she knew all of her father’s friends. She wondered where her mother had found the latest contestant in this tedious game. Tony was a bit older than Maddie, his obviously dyed black hair combed straight back, and she could detect the unfamiliar scent of cheap cologne masking the smell of stale cigarette smoke. When he smiled, Maddie noticed what appeared to be tobacco stains on his teeth. Everyone who knew Maddie knew that she detested smoking. She thought her parents must have been getting desperate if this was the best candidate they had to offer.
“You must be Layna,” Tony said.
Maddie sighed. “I must be.”
He held out his hand to her. “Anthony Salvador. Call me Tony.”
Maddie pointedly glared at her parents as she reached across her brother to shake Tony’s damp, cold hand. “Mr. Salvador. That is my son, Gabriel.”
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