“I can do this,” Maddie assured her.
“Then tell your family what I am to you,” Julia said, rubbing her forehead, her head starting to throb.
“I will, I just need time,” Maddie insisted.
Julia nodded. “I know. I can see that very clearly. You can have all the time you need.” Julia turned toward Maddie’s bedroom. “I’m going to get dressed and go.”
“Go? Where? It’s getting late.”
“I can get a hotel.”
“Julia, please.”
“I can’t stay here knowing that your mother will just let herself in whenever the mood strikes.”
“Please, Julia, don’t go.”
“I can’t stay here,” Julia repeated firmly.
“When will I see you again?” Maddie asked, closing the distance between them.
“That’s entirely up to you, Maddie.”
“What does that mean?”
“You know what it means.” Julia sighed and felt her shoulders sag. “We can’t go forward the way things are. I’m afraid of getting in any deeper. This is already hard enough…walking away from you.”
“Then don’t. If you felt about me the way I feel− “
“Don’t you fucking dare, Maddie, because I’m falling for you.”
Maddie gasped. “What did you say?”
Julia surprised herself with the unintended declaration, but she was even more surprised at the stunned look on Maddie’s face. “You have to know how I feel about you. Are you telling me you don’t have feelings for me?” Maddie simply lowered her gaze and the lack of response made Julia feel as though she had been sucker punched, all of the breath leaving her body. She stepped away from Maddie. “My mistake then.”
“Julia, please, don’t, you can’t just say something like that.”
“Yes, I can because it’s how I feel.” Julia swallowed deeply, feeling sick.
Julia went into the bedroom and dressed quickly, grabbing her backpack as she walked to the door as Maddie watched from the sofa silently. Julia stopped and looked at Maddie and silently urged her to say something, to say anything that would make her change her mind or give Julia some idea how she felt about her.
“Julia, please don’t leave,” Maddie whispered.
Julia closed her eyes against the wave of pain that washed over her. “Bye, Maddie. Call me if things change.” Julia kept going, out the door, shutting it silently behind her because Maddie telling her not to leave was not what she needed to hear.
◆◆◆
Eleanor returned from her father’s on Sunday morning and as was the norm, Vivienne walked over from her place so they could all have breakfast together. Julia decided to eat outside, hoping the beautiful day would lift her spirits. When they sat down to eat, Vivienne looked at her closely.
“You okay, Mom? How’s Maddie?”
Julia tried not to reveal anything but she had to bite her lip to stave off sudden tears and she simply shook her head. “I’m not sure I’m going to see Maddie again.”
“What happened?” Vivienne asked.
“It’s complicated, but I’m fine.”
Eleanor sighed. “That wasn’t very convincing, Mom.”
Julia tried to smile, feeling both annoyed and grateful that her daughters knew her so well. “Okay. I’m…sad.”
Vivienne reached for her hand. “Tell us.”
Julia sighed. “Maddie’s mother unexpectedly stopped by while I was there and Maddie lied to her about who I am. I can’t be with someone who is ashamed of being with me.”
Eleanor looked at her. “Why did she lie, Mom?”
Julia paused, as always, when trying to explain the complications of life to her youngest child. “Maddie’s family is Catholic and her mother is…difficult. Maddie is afraid to defy her and be honest about who she is…about being gay because they apparently don’t approve of that.”
“She’s still not told her family?” Vivienne asked.
“No and until she does, I’m not going to sneak around or pretend to be something I’m not and I told Maddie that.”
“Did she break up with you?” Eleanor sounded indignant.
Julia smiled. “No. I simply told her we couldn’t continue like this, especially with the way I feel about her.”
“You really like her?” Eleanor asked quietly.
To her dismay, Julia had to blink back tears. “Yeah, I really do...and I’m not sure she feels the same way.” Julia hastily wiped her eyes and tried to make light of it. “What was I even thinking? I suck at relationships.” She looked at Eleanor. “Don’t repeat that word, Norie. I should have said ‘I am unsuccessful’ at relationships.”
Vivienne smiled. “Norie does not say ‘suck’ as her vocabulary is more refined than yours and mine.”
“It is,” Eleanor agreed.
“And you don’t suck at relationships, you just suck at men,” Vivienne said. “Luckily for you, Maddie is a girl.”
Julia cocked her head and stared at her oldest daughter for a long moment. “What are you talking about?”
“Now that Maddie knows how you feel, she’s going to realize what she needs to do. Give her some time and wait for her to call you.”
“Why do you say that?” Julia asked.
“If the situation was reversed, isn’t that what you would do?”
Julia nodded, thinking. “Yes, as a matter of fact, that is what I would do. I think you might actually be right.”
“I think you might actually be a lesbian,” Vivienne said.
“Are you a lesbian?” Eleanor asked her mother.
Julia looked at her younger daughter and smiled. “I don’t know, Norie, and I don’t think it’s that black or white. It doesn’t have to be something that you label. What I am is…crazy about Maddie.” Julia gave Vivienne and Eleanor both a pointed look. “But I am not buying Birkenstocks, regardless.”
Despite how she was feeling, her daughters’ delighted laughter echoed in the air around her for long moments and she found joy in it, as she always did. She decided to try to stay in the moment with her daughters and not dwell on what may or may not happen with Maddie.
Despite her best efforts, Julia could not help but check her phone more often than she wanted to, simply waiting for some contact from Maddie. Julia could not remember ever being this twisted up over a man. She laughed to herself. Maybe that explained the two failed marriages. Maybe Vivie was right and she simply sucked at men, or maybe she was a lesbian after all, or maybe she had simply not met the right person, male or female, until now. Maybe Maddie’s mother had finally worn Maddie down and she decided that being with Julia was simply too much trouble.
She was sitting on the deck with Vivienne later that afternoon when her phone vibrated with a text from Maddie. “It’s her.”
Vivienne nudged her mother. “What does it say?”
“She wants to talk.” Julia inhaled deeply, shuddering. “It probably means she never wants to see me again.”
Vivienne leaned closer to her mother and looked her in the eye. “Mom, if jumping to conclusions was an Olympic sport, you’d have a gold medal.”
Julia barked out a laugh, grateful for her daughter’s quirky sense of humor. “Thank you, Vivie, I needed that. Excuse me.”
Julia walked into the house, just settling into an armchair when the phone rang in her hand. “Hello.”
“How are you doing, querida?” Maddie asked.
Julia felt herself relaxing at the affection in Maddie’s voice and she decided to listen to Vivie’s advice. She inhaled deeply. “I’m upset and I miss you.”
There was a brief pause before Maddie responded. “God, Julia, I miss you, too.”
“Are you telling me you want to be with me?”
Maddie hesitated a moment. “I think you know that I do. You caught me off guard by what you said and I didn’t…and we didn’t have time to talk it out and I want to…need to talk about things with you...can I see you?”
“Have you tol
d your parents about me?”
“Christ, Julia, no, not yet!” Maddie sounded angry.
Julia sat forward in the chair. “Do you have any idea how that makes me feel? Like you’re ashamed of me…of what we are together.”
“That’s not it at all.”
“It’s how it makes me feel.”
Julia heard Maddie stifle a sob. “I’m sorry. I never want you to feel this way.”
“But that is what you’re doing.”
“Jule, please…just give me some time. I need to do this in my own way.”
“I know you do, and I’ll give you all the time that you want. You know where I am. But until then, I simply can’t do this.”
“Julia, please…”
“It hurts too much.” Julia knew she would not be able to resist Maddie, that she would allow Maddie to convince her to give her another chance, to open herself up to more of this awful feeling of being in a painful limbo. “I’m sorry, but I have to go, Maddie.”
Julia ended the call and stared down at the phone, feeling crushing disappointment. She leaned over, wrapping her arms around her middle. She watched as her tears splashed on the hardwood floor between her feet. She knew she had been falling for Maddie, but she never thought it would hurt this much to let her go.
Chapter 14
Maddie sat in her car, staring up at her parent’s home, the home she had grown up in, the home her family celebrated almost every holiday and birthday in. She was here to tell her parents that she was gay but found she could not leave the safety of her car just yet. She had always known that this day was inevitable, but she had always thought of it as being far into the future, when she had her degree, when her son was grown. The future was suddenly upon her and still, she hesitated.
This decision had less to do with making things right with Julia than simply realizing that it was time, and that she could never go back to pretending to be something she was not. Spending more time with Steven recently had opened her eyes in many ways. He had insisted on taking her out to lift her spirits and they had gone to what he called a club “with a mixed crowd.” She hadn’t realized until after they’d arrived that he’d meant a mix of gay and straight clientele, but mostly gay.
Maddie was embarrassed at how naïve she had been. Seeing women together, kissing and dancing, and simply just being affectionate, without any hint of self-consciousness had been a revelation for her. Instead of being shocked or uncomfortable, Maddie had simply felt at ease, the same way she had always felt when with Julia. That same sense of freedom and comfort was intoxicating, and she realized that she wanted more of that and less of the awful fear usually lurking deep in the pit of herself.
She took her time getting out of the car, inhaling deep breaths as she walked the same path to the door she had taken thousands of times over the course of her life. Everything seemed to speed up when she walked into their home, grateful for that because she was afraid her courage would fade.
She wiped her sweaty hands on her jeans as she greeted her parents. “Could I talk to the two of you?”
They looked at each other before they sat on their sofa. She remained standing in front of them. “Is Gabe in trouble?” Her mother asked.
“No, Mom, Gabe is not in trouble, but if he was I probably wouldn’t tell you.” Her mother started to respond but Maddie put a hand up, realizing it was shaking slightly. “For once, please let me talk.”
Her mother looked annoyed. “Talk.”
Maddie sighed. “I’ve tried to tell you this a dozen times, since I realized it in high school, but I never could. I don’t tell you a lot of things Ma, because you’re never happy about anything and you won’t be happy about this.” She inhaled deeply and averted her gaze, unwilling to see the looks of disappointment or worse that she might see on their faces. “I’m gay.”
There was a momentary silence, and when she looked, her father returned her gaze the way he always had, with a calm and steady affection.
Her mother looked furious. “What are you saying? Is this a joke?” she asked in a loud voice.
“This is not a joke. I’m gay. I always have been. I’m sorry you’re upset but I am. It hasn’t really mattered until now, but I met someone, a woman that I want to be with.”
“No!” Her mother shouted as she rose. “You are not like that. I forbid it! Take it back.”
Maddie didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. “I can’t take it back. It’s who and what I am.” She shook her head and smiled in equal parts disbelief and disgust. “Taking it back will not change it.”
“You think this is funny?” Her mother’s voice was low but angry.
“No, I don’t, I think it’s sad that you don’t care about me, about my happiness.”
“I care about what people will say. Who knows about this?”
“That’s what you’re worried about?” Maddie’s voice rose.
“It’s that…that fancy puta that was in your apartment,” her mother accused.
“Don’t call her that. It’s Julia, yes, but she’s gone because I lied to you about what she is to me.”
“Good!” Her mother practically spit the word at her.
“Good? Really, Ma? Look at me. I haven’t slept, I can’t eat.” Maddie bit her lip to stop the impending tears burning her eyes.
Her father rose and placed a hand on her mother’s arm, but she shook it off.
“Don’t be stupid,” her mother said. “All of this over a woman? You would risk your family for a puta?”
“Risk my family? Are you threatening me?”
“No,” her father said.
“Yes,” her mother said loudly. “I forbid this. It’s your puta or your family.”
Maddie’s father reached out and once again put a hand on his wife’s arm. “Celeste.”
Her mother shook off his hand and took a step toward Maddie. “You don’t need her. You’ll get over it.”
Maddie inhaled and looked her mother in the eye. “You will have to get over it, if you make me choose.”
Her mother took another step toward her. “You would choose her?”
“Why do I have to choose? Could you choose between me and Enzo? Between your husband or your children?”
Her mother took another few steps, stopping in front of her. “Stop talking stupid. That puta is not your family. We are.”
Something snapped inside of Maddie. “Stop calling her that! I love her,” she yelled.
Maddie saw the slap coming, but could not quite believe it was happening, so could not react in time to stop it. Her mother’s hand caught her full on the side of the face, the burning sting exploding into pain. Her father was suddenly in front of her, keeping her mother back and reaching for her shoulder to check on her.
She tried to focus as her mother screamed over her father’s quiet words, asking if she was all right and his pleading protests to his wife to calm down.
“I knew you were not working with that puta,” her mother screamed and Maddie knew at that moment that Julia had been right. Her mother was not stupid or in denial, but simply more concerned about what she wanted than about Maddie’s happiness.
“Get out of my house!” Her mother’s shout brought Maddie back into focus.
“Celeste! Layna, don’t go,” her father said.
Maddie did not hesitate to head for the door. When her mother screamed at her retreating back, forbidding any contact between Maddie and the rest of her family, Maddie knew that her mother was purposefully trying to hurt her. Maddie was so shaken that she had no recollection of how she had gotten herself home that night, feeling as if her world had imploded.
Her mother had apparently called Enzo and Maria immediately and forbidden them to speak to Maddie. Thankfully, Maria had immediately and openly defied her mother-in-law and gone directly to Maddie’s home that night and for many nights after that, sitting with her as she cried more tears than she knew a body could produce. Maddie’s tears covered a long and vast list of hurts, but the bi
ggest one was the realization that her mother loved being in control of her more than she actually loved her.
That Friday, her brother called her at work to invite her and Gabe to his home for dinner. Since it had always been Maria who extended these invitations, Maddie knew that the gesture was her brother’s way of showing his support.
Maddie and Gabe had always spent a lot of time with her brother and his family and Maddie was afraid that her revelation would change the way things had always been. She found herself holding her breath when her brother answered the door. He briefly greeted Gabe on his way in with a smile and a gentle tap on the arm. When Maddie stepped inside, he pulled her close into his arms. Maddie could not remember the last time her brother had hugged her like this.
“I’m sorry about Ma,” he whispered. “I don’t care who you’re with, as long as they treat you right.”
Maddie kissed his cheek. “Thank you, Enzo. I love you,” she whispered as she wiped her eyes. She went into the kitchen to have a glass of wine with Maria, as she always did. Her niece Laney followed her into the kitchen.
“Tia, can I see a picture of your girlfriend? Mom said she’s really pretty.”
The utter normalcy of her niece asking about her girlfriend caused Maddie to bite her lip to keep from crying as she found a picture of Julia in her phone and showed it to Laney. “I hope she’s still my girlfriend. She’s upset with me right now.”
Laney leaned against her and Maddie hugged her close. “Just tell her you’re sorry for hurting her feelings.”
Maddie smiled. “Thanks, I’ll do that.”
Gabriel had been momentarily distracted by Michael’s new video game, but he came into the kitchen to greet his aunt, kissing her cheek politely.
“Hey, Tia, how are you?”
Maria smiled. “Good, sweetie, you?”
He shrugged. “Okay, thanks.”
Maria watched Gabriel walk out and then looked at Maddie. “What’s going on with him?”
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