Unperfect

by Susie Tate

  “Mimi?” my sister called, and I tore my eyes away from the half empty glass.

  “W-what?” I asked, blinking as the scene around me came back into focus. Yaz was standing next to Mia now and they were both frowning at me.

  “We’ve been calling you for the last five minutes,” Marnie said.

  “Mia?” Yaz said softly. “Is everything okay?”

  I looked up at the two women who meant everything to me. Both of whom I’d let down. Both of whom I didn’t deserve, and I did what I’d been doing for the last three months.

  I lied.

  *****

  Max

  I watched as she blinked at her sister and mine, giving her head a slight shake as if coming out of a trance, then I watched her lips move to form the word fine. If I heard that word one more time from Mia I was going to lose it. She was not fine. Not even close.

  “Something’s wrong with Mia,” Heath told me.

  “I know,” I muttered, taking another sip of my beer as I watched Yaz place both her hands either side of Mia’s neck and rest her forehead on Mia’s in one of her energy transferences. Standard Yaz mumbo jumbo, but it did put a genuine smile on Mia’s face, so I approved.

  “Is her shoulder getting –”

  “The physio’s still working with her.” I sighed. “She’ll never be able to lift her arm above her head, but at least she can still use it. I’m told it could have been worse.” That rough angry quality had leaked into my voice again. It was something I tried to keep a handle on when I was with Mia, but with Heath I let it out.

  “Hey, old chap,” Heath said. “You might want to ease off on that pint glass – it’ll shatter in a minute if you’re not careful.” I glanced down at my death grip on my drink and made a conscious effort to loosen my fingers as I placed it on the bar beside me. Once both my hands were free I raked them through my hair and tipped my head back to look up at the ceiling.

  “That bastard got off easy,” I muttered. “I hope someone fucks his shit up in prison.”

  “You could get your wish there,” Heath said. “I don’t think they’re frightfully keen on woman beaters in prison. Given how high profile the case was he’ll have a target on his back from day one. And now he’s lost the business, even when he does get out his life will never be the same again.” An image of Mia lying in her hospital bed, deep purple bruising around her neck, broken blood vessels high on her cheekbones and in the whites of her eyes, wincing as she swallowed her own goddamn salvia popped into my mind and I felt my fists tighten at my sides.

  “You can’t let this eat away at you, Max,” Heath said, glancing at my fists. “She’s safe now. You’ve still got a business to run. Thank God that guy Adrian is actually a decent bloke. You would have been screwed if the company had withdrawn the funding from all those projects.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about-”

  “I know you don’t, mate,” Heath cut off my furious tirade before it could get going properly. “But you might if your business had gone under and you couldn’t pay for Teddy’s uni or to keep Mia safe and give her what she deserves. She works for you too, you muppet.”

  I snorted. “Mia’s had offers from three different tech companies since this whole thing blew up. She’d been fine without me.”

  “She would not be fine without you,” Heath said. I looked down at my boots, but after a moment’s pause I nodded. Sometimes Mia looked at me like she couldn’t quite believe I was real. Every time I did something for her like bring her a coffee to her desk when she deep in the Number Five zone, turn the telly over to Poldark (okay, so I’d rather be killed slowly than admit it, but this was one bit of crap telly that had sucked me in – I mean that bloke can really swing a scythe), order the Thai takeaway she likes instead of the curries she knows I prefer, hold her in my arms after we make love (sex was something that hadn’t been affected by recent events – weirdly it seemed to be the only place Mia’s eyes weren’t shadowed, the only time she really seemed free. Which was awesome of course. But did throw into stark contrast the reserve she still maintained the rest of the time) she’d get this look in her eyes – reverence, awe, wonder, love, but also for some reason, behind it all there was worry. And the worry wasn’t getting better with time. In fact, the closer we became the more apparent the anxiety. But all I got was fine. God, I fucking hated that word.

  Yes there was something wrong with Mia.

  And problem solving was a skill of mine.

  Or so I thought.

  Chapter 39

  Otherwise they win

  Mia

  “Hey,” Max said softly as he joined our group, put his arm around my shoulders, and pulled me into his side. He ignored both of our sisters to stare down at me, his eyes warming as he searched my face. “Maybe we should head off in a bit, love? If you’ve had enough I –”

  “No, no it’s fine,” I told him. For some reason his eyes narrowed at my “fine” and he clenched his jaw.

  “Mia,” Verity said as she joined our group. She was frowning down at her phone. “Why have I just had an email asking whether we could release you early from your employment contract?”

  “Released from your contract?” Yaz asked, frowning across at me in confusion.

  “Are you looking for a new job, Mia?” Marnie put in.

  Max didn’t look at me, he was staring at Verity. “Who’s the email from?”

  “Starlight Systems in London.”

  “London?” Yaz said, her voice rising. “Mia why are you looking for a job in London?”

  “I’m haven’t been looking,” I said. “I … they …”

  “Mia’s been headhunted,” Verity said, keeping her tone neutral but I could tell she was angry. “By multiple firms. I just didn’t think she would go for any of the offers.”

  “But … but you love it here, Mia,” Yaz said, turning to me. My chest constricted as I saw the hurt expression on her face. “You’re happy here … with us. Aren’t you?”

  “Mia, can I speak to you in private for a minute,” Max asked, his voice so studiously polite it was cold. I looked up at him and noticed all the warmth had fled his expression.

  “Sure.”

  Max nodded and put his hand to the small of my back to guide me gently where he wanted me to go, which was over towards the seating area where it was a bit quieter. Unfortunately it was also where his parents were sitting with mine a few feet away.

  “You’re going to London?” Max asked, taking his hand away from my back and then taking a step away from me before he crossed his arms over his chest in a defensive gesture. “Did you think you might want to let me know that at some stage? Maybe before you agree to sign a fucking contract?” He was furious. The anger was vibrating through him. I knew Max had a temper, but he’d been so careful with it around me over the last few months I’d forgotten how formidable it could be. I wrapped my arms around my middle and shuffled back a little. His eyes narrowed. “I’m not him, Mia,” he clipped. “I’d never hurt you.”

  “I-I know that,” I said, my voice small and I felt pathetic. But then I was pathetic. I wasn’t normal. Not anymore. Normal people didn’t shrink away from the slightest perceived threat that to anyone else would have been recognised for something completely innocuous. Normal people could handle anger and irritation from their other halves without crawling into their shells to protect themselves. And that’s why I had to leave, why I’d allowed the head hunters to interview me.

  “Don’t you think I deserve to know that you’re moving? Wait … were you even going to tell me? Or were you just going to leave?”

  I closed my eyes to block him out and try to get it together. I couldn’t think with him looking at me with that hurt expression on his face.

  “I haven’t taken the job yet,” I said, my eyes still closed. “It was just something I was … exploring.”

  “But why, Mia?” Max asked, the anger leaching out of his voice and leaving only the hurt. “Please look at me, love,” he whi
spered as I felt his large hand gently cup my jaw to tilt my face to his. “Are you unhappy here, with us? Is it something I’ve done? Talk to me.”

  I felt the frustration, the fear, and the repressed anger all bubbling up to the surface. After keeping such fierce control over my emotions for so long it felt like all of that was slipping away. Like a monster inside of me was being unleashed. I yanked away from Max’s touch, slamming into Heath and Teddy who had emerged from the crowd to stand behind me and spilling some of their beer. But none of that registered. I was breathing hard and blacks spots were dancing in front of my vision. I had to make Max understand. Everything was building and building. I felt like I was going to explode.

  “Don’t you see?” I shouted. The loud clamour of the pub quieted around me, but I remained oblivious. “Don’t you understand why I should move away? Why I should get another job? You deserve someone normal, for Christ’s sake. And it’s not like I just broke a bone – something quantifiable, something definite, something you can fix. I’m broken in a thousand small ways, tiny little jarring bits of twisted psyche all coming together to make me entirely fucked up!”

  “Mia,” Max said, his eyes now so soft they were liquid. “Come here,” he lifted his hands up towards me but I backed up another step and shook my head in a jerky movement side to side.

  “Don’t you realise I can tell how careful you’re being with me?” I said, unable to turn down the volume of my words. I threw out my hand wildly, causing Heath to duck to protect his beer again. “How careful everyone is? Aren’t you all exhausted by it? Exhausted by me? Don’t you, Max, want to be with someone who isn’t waking you up with her nightmares? Who doesn’t have to have a clear path to an exit in any given space? Who doesn’t flinch when you’re trying to have a normal goddamn conversation with her?”

  “Mia, please, baby, come to me,” Max said, his voice low and his eyes still soft but now his jaw was clenched with determination.

  I took another step back and tore both of my hands into my hair, feeling some of it rip out at the roots. The pub was completely silent now. All our friends and families’ eyes were on me. But I didn’t seem to have it in me to care.

  “I can’t do this,” I said in a rough, tortured whisper. “I just – ” Max reached for me in that moment and I couldn’t take it any more. I turned on my heel and I ran. As I pushed through the crowd I registered their shocked expressions. Some people moved to let me by, a few tried to hold me back or catch my hand but I shook them off. I’m pretty sure more drinks were spilled. But I needed to get away. As soon as the pub’s doors closed behind me, I took a deep breath in of the crisp night air and let it out in rush. Then I disappeared into the alleyway down the side of the building. I’d always been fast and the time I spent on the streets meant I knew all the shortcuts like the back of my hand.

  *****

  “Mia?”

  I started in surprise at the sound of Max’s mum’s voice. “Come out of there now, pet. This isn’t a game of hide and seek and I’ve already stepped in what I’m quite sure was a puddle of urine. These heels may be from M&S but I don’t want owt to test their limits of durability unnecessarily.” Her voice was so brisk and no nonsense, so commanding and firm, that I took a step out from the shadows towards her.

  “Ah, now that’s better. We can’t have you lurking around alleyways. Not right proper at all.” She stepped towards me and I held my ground. When she reached me her eyes scanned my tearstained face and they softened, just like her son’s – it was the first time I could actually see the resemblance properly. “Now then,” she said, reaching to push my hair back from my face and then producing a handkerchief from the depths of her cavernous handbag. “Let’s tidy you up and get you back t’Max. He’s tearing the whole of Bournemouth apart looking for you right now.”

  “How did you find me?” I asked, my voice hoarse from the shouting I’d done earlier.

  “I saw you disappear down here after you darted away. I’d been on my way to the Ladies and so was nearest the door. I didn’t tell Max or the others because I thought you probably needed a breather after all that drama in there. And anyway, it didn’t seem like he was dealing with it right well in my opinion. I thought it might be better if you spoke to me first and I sorted you out.” She was now swiping away happily at my tear streaked, and no doubt mascara streaked, face. “Much better, pet,” she muttered under her breath and stowed her hanky away.

  “I’m sorry I made such a scene back there,” I said, feeling heat creep into my cheeks. I shouted the pub down and ruined that party. “You must think I’m mental.”

  “Of course you’re not mental, love,” Fern told me. “And you’re not broken in a thousands of ways. You young people – always with the drama. You’ve nowt to be worried about. My boy loves you. He’s had it rough, my Max. His dad was a hard man and then that vapid bitch Rebecca left him high and dry. Him and his boy, they don’t need some pampered southerner in their lives. They need a strong lass. A lass that escapes a murdering bastad with nowt but a broken shoulder then finds another life for herself. You’re not broken or flawed. You’re the toughest southerner I’ve ever met.”

  “You don’t understand,” I whispered. “I’m not sure I’m capable of … he needs someone that’s … that’s whole and clean and right. Not-”

  “Don’t you dare,” she said, her voice dropping and her eyes flashing as her hands shot out to my shoulders to give me a gentle shake. “Bad people do bad things t’good people. That’s the way of t’world. I know this, right? Love, I’m saying I know.”

  I looked into her green eyes and pulled in a soft breath. The fury in her expression was pouring out of her. Yes, bad things did happen to good people. I could see that Max’s mum knew this beyond a shadow of a doubt.

  “I didn’t leave Max’s dad for an easier life. I left him because there was no other choice and I was worried that I couldn’t protect Max from it any longer. It might have been that long ago, but it marks you,” she told me. “It’s marks you and you carry it with you. You’ll never be as quick to trust. You’ll never forget that type of fear or the knowledge of how ugly folks can be. But you’re not broken. You’re stronger in lots of ways because of your experiences. Your ex fella he can … well he can bugger off!” She bit her lip and looked to the side as if to check that she wasn’t going to be caught by the swearing police.

  Despite how wrung out I was, Fern’s expression when she said a mildly offensive swear word did force a small smile to my lips. At my smile her angry expression switched to relieved amusement. “Bugger him!” she shouted. “Bugger, bugger, bugger.”

  I giggled – another miracle given the circumstances – and she pulled me in for a hug. “Do you know what says ‘bugger you’ more than anything? What really sticks it to the bastads? It’s living a good life, despite what’s happened to you before. It’s letting yourself be happy. Otherwise, love … otherwise they win. Otherwise you let him win.” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she pulled back and held my eyes with hers. “I’ll not let those … those … in the words of my grandson – mother-f-words win. I’ll not. And you’re not going to either.”

  “I’m sorry you were hurt,” I whispered and she closed her eyes slowly.

  “Don’t talk ’bout it much, love,” she said. “Harpin’ on ’bout these things was seen as weakness in my generation. My Aubrey knows owt other than I had to leave. Max knows enough not to see his dad, but not–”

  “I won’t say anything,” I cut in.

  “Course you won’t, love,” she said, patting my cheek and giving me a soft smile. “Right then. You finished being a daft article? Reckon we could all use a brew and a nice digestive.”

  “Mia?” We both turned at the sound of Max’s voice from the road at the end of the alleyway.

  “You have to choose to be happy and to make my son happy, love,” Fern whispered. “You have a choice.”

  I froze for a few seconds, then spun on my heel and ran. This time it was
n’t away from Max. I was so tired of running away. No, I ran hell-for-leather towards him. He made a soft “oomph” and went back on one foot as I collided with his solid body and wrapped my arms around his waist.

  “I’m sorry,” I sniffled, feeling the tears soaking into his shirt. “Your mum’s right: I am a daft article.”

  “Y’alright lass,” he murmured into my hair, his arms coming up around me and hugging me into his chest. “Y’er not daft.”

  “Mia?” I looked up and saw Teddy standing a couple of feet away and eyeing me like I was a wild animal that could flee at any moment. Behind him stood the rest of our families and quite a few friends. “You’ve come right now?” he asked, and for the first time I could detect his father’s northern accent in his voice. “Dad’s made it right?”

  I managed to smile at him as my hand shot out and closed around his, pulling him towards us and into a group hug. Max tousled his hair like he was still a boy and enclosed us both in his arms.

  “Yes Teddy,” I said, my voice I little choked but still clear enough. “Yes, your dad’s made it right.’

  Epilogue

  You’re going to live

  Max

  “Mr Hardcastle, would you agree that your houses will revolutionise the postmodern era of environmental design, combined with affordable housing. Was that your intention?”

  I pulled on my shirt collar. The damn thing was choking me.

  “Folks need houses,” I said with a shrug. “I make sure they don’t cost an arm and a leg. Not exactly a revolution.”

  “Er … yes but typically this kind of zero carbon design was costly to– ”

  “The buggers that need zero carbon are the same ones need affordable housing. Helps to pay for food if your gas bill don’t cost owt.”

  “Yes, but you’re the first to really take that and make it on a massive scale and at an affordable price. You’ve changed he face of modern architecture.’