The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book
Page 31
Crowley looks slightly less cool than usual. He is, however, still wearing the snappiest of suits, and the coolest of dark glasses.
He glances around. We watch him take a deep breath, and then:
CROWLEY
Hey guys. Nice place you’ve got here.
HASTUR
Not for you it won’t be.
CROWLEY
Could do with some pot plants. Maybe a coffee table.
BEELZEBUB
Silencczze. The prisoner will approach.
CROWLEY
Love to. So. Four of us. Rubber of bridge? Barbershop quartet?
BEELZEBUB
The trial of a traitor.
CROWLEY
Lord Beelzebub. You are . . .
BEELZEBUB
I am the judge.
HASTUR
I am the prosecutor.
CROWLEY
And so Dagon here is defending me?
DAGON
’Fraid not. I’m just here in case there’s anything you did they forgot.
BEELZEBUB
But we built this place for you ssspecially. It will be your placze of trial. And it will be your placze of desssztruction.
CROWLEY
Guys. You shouldn’t have gone to all the trouble. What appears to be the problem?
BEELZEBUB
Duke Hastur? Would you like to begin?
And we rewind to Crowley arriving at the airbase, eighteen hours earlier.
TITLE CARD: 18 HOURS EARLIER
TITLE CARD: THE LAST DAY OF THE WORLD
TITLE CARD: LATE SATURDAY AFTERNOON
602EXT. AIRBASE GATE – DAY
A burnt-out Bentley pulls up, still sputtering with flame, trailing smoke.
A sudden CRASH DOWN — but the blackened hulk of a car is still holding together, just.
Crowley stumbles out into the world, along with a cloud of smoky blackness.
Falls down. Gets up again.
CROWLEY
You wouldn’t get that sort of performance out of a modern car.
Snake-eyes, in a wrecked suit, messed up hair, and smuts and smudges all over his face.
He is still holding The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, although now it’s a blackened charcoal wreck of a book.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Crowley?
CROWLEY
Hey. Aziraphale. I see you found a ride. Nice dress. Suits you.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
This young man won’t let us in.
CROWLEY
Leave it to me. Army human, my friend and I have come a long way, and . . .
There is a click. The barrier goes up.
GUARD
Which one of you did that?
Shadwell looks at his finger in amazement . . .
. . . as four kids on bikes zoom through. (Dog is in Adam’s basket.)
GUARD (CONT’D)
Okay. Those kids are in trouble. And so are you people. Don’t move.
He presses a red alert button. An alarm sounds. Then he raises his gun, for the first time, and points it at them.
The Bentley explodes into a smouldering pile of burning wreckage.
Crowley is more concerned about his car. He’s heartbroken, and isn’t paying attention to the guard.
CROWLEY
Ninety years, and not a scratch. Now look at you.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Crowley. He’s got a gun. He’s pointing it. Do something.
Crowley holds up his hand, to indicate he can’t be interrupted now.
CROWLEY
I’m having a moment here.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Crowley! I’m the nice one! You can’t expect me to do the dirty work.
Shadwell is still bothering the guard.
SHADWELL
I’m gonna count tae three. Then, I use my finger.
GUARD
Ma’am, I’m giving you all five seconds to vacate this area . . .
There is a POP! And the guard has vanished. Shadwell looks at his finger. He shakes his head. Crowley is finishing his moment.
CROWLEY
(to the car)
Rest in peace. You were a good car.
(to Aziraphale)
Nice job on the soldier.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Oh, I do hope I haven’t sent him somewhere unpleasant.
CROWLEY
Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new body?
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Oh. Yes. Right. Madame Tracy, this is Crowley.
He’s . . . Well, we’re sort of business associates.
Crowley, Madame Tracy.
MADAME TRACY
Charmed, I’m sure.
And now, responding to the alarm, several jeeps filled with American soldiers are heading towards us.
CROWLEY
Okay! I’ve got to get over the car thing. I’ll deal with them.
SHADWELL
Never fear, laddie. I’ve got a finger.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
You may need to brandish your weapon, Sergeant Shadwell. We are here to lick some serious butt.
CROWLEY
Kick, Aziraphale. It’s kick butt. For Heaven’s sake. I can’t believe I said that.
603EXT. ADAM YOUNG’S HOUSE – DAY
Mr Young is outside the house. He is polishing his car – the same green Morris Traveller he had in the first episode.
Tyler strides up, officiously.
TYLER
Hoy. Young.
MR YOUNG
Yes?
TYLER
Your son. Adam.
MR YOUNG
(wearily)
What’s he done now?
TYLER
I just saw him and his little gang of cronies cycling to the airforce base. If you think that armed guards and whatnot will put up with your son’s tomfoolery, I for one do not.
MR YOUNG
Adam wouldn’t . . .
TYLER
You saw what he did to my begonias.
And then, as a parting shot, he adds, he feels, humorously:
TYLER (CONT’D)
Don’t blame me if your son starts World War Three!
TITLES SEQUENCE
604EXT. AIRFIELD BY COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Adam is in front of the Them.
Death leads the Four Horsemen towards them. The feeling here is spaghetti western. This is the shootout and the showdown.
GOD (V.O.)
In a handful of moments, the missiles will fly. The forces of Heaven and Hell will attack. And everything depends on one small boy. Silence holds the bubble of the world in its grip.
605EXT. AIRBASE – DAY
Newt and Anathema are running through the airbase. They aren’t being shot, because all the soldiers they pass are fast asleep.
NEWT
Where exactly are we going?
ANATHEMA
Sshh.
Ahead of them, a door opens. The Four Horsemen come out. ANATHEMA VISION: we see the Horsemen through Anathema’s eyes, and their auras are black, purple, pulsing things, like migraines onscreen.
Anathema screws up her eyes, puts her hand up to shield them, as if looking at the Horsemen hurts her eyes.
Newt pulls her back against the building to avoid being seen. Anathema points to the open door the Horsemen came through.
ANATHEMA (CONT’D)
In there.
Newt looks puzzled.
NEWT
Really?
Anathema is certain.
They go inside.
606INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Newt and Anathema look around at the screens and the room, at the unconscious workers.
NEWT
Those people. Do you think they were terrorists?
ANATHEMA
In a very nice and accurate way. Yes. You should have seen their auras.
NEWT
Was there a problem with them?
ANATHEMA
Negative auras. Like black holes. I don’t think they were entirely human.
There are SCREENS with upset people on them, mouthing silently.
NEWT
If only we knew what they were saying.
Anathema picks up a remote control and turns the volume up.
SCREEN 1
We no longer have control of the Agni Six nuclear launch protocols. I think we’ve been hacked!
SCREEN 2
Nuclear strike orders implemented. Against Belgium. Are you sure this is a good idea?
SCREEN 3
(German)
Please put me through to someone who can fix this. All of our instruments are frozen.
SCREEN 4
Look, we’re trying to turn off the controls, but there’s some kind of satellite override in place.
SCREEN 2
Are you sure this is a good idea?
Anathema presses the remote again and mutes the screens.
ANATHEMA
They’re saying it’s the end of the world.
NEWT
Yes, I got that.
607EXT. AIRFIELD BY COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Death is talking directly to Adam.
DEATH
IT HAS BEGUN.
ADAM
I didn’t ask for it to begin.
DEATH
YOU DID NOT HAVE TO ASK. YOUR VERY EXISTENCE DEMANDS THE ENDING OF THE WORLD. IT IS WRITTEN.
A jeep is swerving across the airfield, driven by Crowley. Madame Tracy and Shadwell are in the back. Shadwell is holding the Thundergun. The jeep pulls up.
DEATH
YOU COULD FINISH THIS FOR THEM WITH ONE THOUGHT. YOU CAN MAKE THE WORLD ANEW.
CROWLEY
That’s him. The curly one. Shoot him. Save the world.
DEATH
YOU’RE PART OF US, NOT THEM. NO ONE WILL DISOBEY YOU. IGNORE THIS NONSENSE. A WORD FROM YOU AND I WILL END THEIR LIVES.
SHADWELL
But he’s . . . he’s only a wee bairn . . . You can’t just . . .
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Oh for Heaven’s sake. Give me that.
Madame Tracy’s body animated by Aziraphale takes the Thundergun. But Madame Tracy is not convinced.
MADAME TRACY
You can’t just kill children. Perhaps we should wait a bit.
CROWLEY
Until he grows up? Shoot him, Aziraphale.
There is a struggle going on between Aziraphale and Madame Tracy for control of the body. The gun is pointed at Adam, then up into the air, then back again.
MADAME TRACY
No!
We can see expressions chasing each other across Madame Tracy’s face.
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Madame, for the greater good, he has to . . .
CLOSE UP on the finger closing on the trigger.
A huge explosion as the Thundergun is fired – up into the air. Madame Tracy has control of the body.
MADAME TRACY
I’m . . . Sorry. I couldn’t let you do it.
And now Adam is staring at Madame Tracy.
ADAM
Why did you do that?
MADAME TRACY
Well, dear . . .
ADAM
Excuse me, why are you two people?
MADAME TRACY/AZIRAPHALE
Ah. Long story. You see, I was in my bookshop . . .
ADAM
It’s not right. You should go back to being two separate people again.
And Aziraphale is there in the flesh, standing next to Madame Tracy. He is wearing a bright tartan bowtie and a tartan cummerbund. Madame Tracy gives a little shudder of ecstasy as he is removed.
MADAME TRACY
That made me all tingly.
She looks at Aziraphale, and is, frankly, disappointed. Aziraphale is prodding himself to make sure he’s solid.
608INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Anathema and Newt are in the communications centre. The screens have started to fuzz and we can see on them various missiles preparing to fire, satellites readying, and scenes of terrible things about to happen . . .
ANATHEMA
We’re at war. Everyone’s at war. But we have to be able to do something.
NEWT
We aren’t in a movie. There’s no handy red wire to cut to make the countdown stop. And there isn’t even a proper countdown . . .
ANATHEMA
You’re a computer engineer. These are computers. Make them stop.
NEWT
It doesn’t work like that!
ANATHEMA
Agnes. You got any ideas?
She grabs a card randomly.
NEWT
You can’t shut down twenty-first century technology with a seventeenth-century random prediction.
ANATHEMA
‘He is not what he says he is.’ Agnes, you aren’t trying. What does that even mean?
Newt looks guilty.
NEWT
I don’t know.
ANATHEMA
What? Tell me!
NEWT
I think it’s about me.
Anathema looks at him and makes a ‘we don’t have much time – go on?’ gesture.
NEWT (CONT’D)
I’m . . . not really a computer engineer. I want to be. I’m actually just . . .
ANATHEMA
Just what?
NEWT
Just the opposite. I’m rubbish with computers. When I try and make them work, they break. I’m sorry. We’re doomed.
609EXT. AIRFIELD BY COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
GOD (V.O.)
It was time to decide who friends were. So the Antichrist, three human children and a former hell-hound faced Death and three monsters who came from the mind of humanity.
ADAM
The thing is, they’re not actually real. They’re just like nightmares, really.
War steps forward. She looks at the Them.
WAR
Little boys. With your toys. I am war. You were made to serve me, to live in me and die in me.
Pepper looks at her and doesn’t like her.
PEPPER
I’m not a boy. And my mum says war is just masculine imperialism executed on a global stage.
War holds out the flaming sword, so it gets close to Pepper’s face . . .
WAR
A little girl. Run away and play with your dolls, little girl.
And now Pepper is angry.
PEPPER
I do not – endorse – everyday sexism.
War raises her sword, as if she’s about to slice Pepper into two.
Pepper stamps, as hard as she possibly can, on War’s foot.
And War, taken by surprise, drops the flaming sword on the ground.
It crashes onto the tarmac. War steps towards it.
But Pepper’s faster than War. She grabs the sword as if she’s not afraid to use it. And now War takes a step back.
PEPPER (CONT’D)
I can play with dolls or not play with dolls. Just as I can play with swords or not play with swords. But War is stupid.
WAR
Put that down, child.
PEPPER
Yeah?
WAR
Yes. I will not be mocked.
War reaches out a gloved hand toward the blade, as if she’s going to wrench it away from Pepper. Pepper jerks the blade back, away from her.
PEPPER
You will, you know. We’re Adam’s real friends. Not you lot. You’re a joke.
CROWLEY
(quietly)
Didn’t that used to be your sword?
AZIRAPHALE
I do believe it was.
War is getting closer to Pepper . . .
PEPPER
Adam? What do I do?
ADAM
Just say what you believe, Pepper.
War, impatient, grab
s the blade with a gloved hand. She shouldn’t have done that.
PEPPER
I believe in peace, bitch.
GOD (V.O.)