The Quite Nice and Fairly Accurate Good Omens Script Book
Page 32
Swords are dangerous if left lying around. And weapons can be used against the people who brought them.
The sword flares up – and the flames engulf War herself . . . And then War seems to get sucked into the blade.
ADAM
Drop it, Pepper. Quick!
Pepper drops the sword. It clangs to the tarmac.
Brian picks it up.
Brian points the sword at Pollution . . .
BRIAN
I believe in a clean world.
And Pollution is also engulfed in flame (but the black smoke of an oil fire burning) and sucked into the sword.
GOD (V.O.)
Soon there was nothing left of Pollution but the acrid stench of oil and burning trash.
A black cloud of smoke, and as it clears, Pollution’s crown falls to the tarmac with a clattering noise.
Famine looks worried. He glances up at Death, who does nothing.
Wensleydale picks up the sword.
Famine looks around desperately. He backs away, looking terrified.
WENSLEYDALE
And I believe in food. And a healthy lunch for everybody. Actually, it’s a really good thing.
Dog growls, and goes for Famine’s ankle.
The sword flames once more in Wensley’s hand.
GOD (V.O.)
The bite of a mere dog should not have bothered a creature like him, but Dog was still a hell-hound, and dogs like bones.
And then Famine’s gone, and the silver scales he was given fall jingling to the tarmac.
Wensleydale drops the sword on the tarmac by the crown and the scales.
610EXT. HELL
(Or possibly the woods outside Tadfield. Perhaps a nice, grassy meadow: we see DEMON CREATURES pushing up out of the ground.)
And Beelzebub is similarly ready for action . . . Dagon’s shouting to the demons assembled . . .
BEELZEBUB
Any moment now. Encourage the troops, Dagon.
DAGON
Right! Listen up! Any moment now, we’ll be going over the hill, up against the army of angels. Now, all you were angels once. And we fought in the glorious revolution. And we lost. But that was then. We’ve had thousands of years to get tougher, smarter, and more dangerous. I want all of you to repeat after me, we’re tougher!
A SPIDERY DEMON says:
SPIDER DEMON
Tougher . . . Smarter!
A VERY VERY STUPID THING THAT LOOKS LIKE IT’S MADE OF ROCKS AND EVIL says, not very intelligently:
ROCK THING
Smaaarrrterrr . . .
Beelzebub looks alarmed.
BEELZEBUB
Something is happening. Something’s wrong.
611INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE -
Anathema stops and thinks. Then she grins.
ANATHEMA
We’re idiots. Look. Repair it.
NEWT
What?
ANATHEMA
Get this computer room working better. Right now. You say every computer you try and fix dies. So fix it.
NEWT
And speed up nuclear armageddon?
ANATHEMA
Could you? Speed it up?
NEWT
Easy. If I actually wanted to get these computers working better, I’d just click on this disk defragmenter and, and . . .
There is a clicking. A sad whirring like something running down . . .
Red lights start going out and turning green.
GOD (V.O.)
All over the world, people who had been wrestling with switches found that they had switched, circuit breakers opened, computers stopped planning World War Three and went back to idly scanning the stratosphere.
612EXT. AIRFIELD BY COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
It’s a summer’s evening. As this sequence goes on, the light starts to fade.
Adam is facing Death – it’s High Noon.
ADAM
Death. This all has to stop now.
We look over the things on the ground between Death and Adam: the crown, the scales, the sword. Death smiles, but then, Death always smiles.
Death’s black wings open.
DEATH
IT HAS STOPPED. BUT THEY WILL BE BACK. WE ARE NEVER FAR AWAY. I AM CREATION’S SHADOW. YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME. THAT WOULD DESTROY THE WORLD.
It bows to Adam. Then it looks at Aziraphale and Madame Tracy and Crowley, and says:
DEATH (CONT’D)
GOOD DAY, GENTLEMEN.
MADAME TRACY
Cheek!
PEPPER
Cheek!
GOD (V.O.)
Death opened wings of night, wings that were shapes cut through the matter of creation into the darkness beneath, in which distant lights glimmered, lights that may have been stars or may have been something entirely else.
There is a thunderclap and it is gone.
AZIRAPHALE
There. You see Crowley? It’s as I’ve always said, at bottom . . .
CROWLEY
It isn’t over. Nothing’s over. Both Heaven and Hell still want their war.
613INT. COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
Anathema and Newt are walking out of the communications centre . . .
ANATHEMA
You fixed it.
NEWT
(semi-sad)
I broke it.
ANATHEMA
Same thing. You’re amazing.
And Newt stands taller, and prouder.
614EXT. AIRFIELD BY COMMUNICATIONS CENTRE – DAY
CROWLEY
You. Boy. The Antichrist. What’s your name again?
Anathema and Newt heading towards us out of the communications centre.
ADAM
Adam Young.
CROWLEY
So. Your friends all got together and saved the world. Well done. Have a gold star. It won’t make any difference.
ANATHEMA
You! You were the men in the car. You stole my book.
CROWLEY
Book girl! Catch!
Crowley tosses her the charcoal remnants of Agnes’s book. A much-burned page flutters out as the book is tossed, and blows over to Aziraphale, who catches it, and glances down at it.
The fragment says: When alle is ∫ayed and all is done, ye must choo∫e your faces wiseley, for soon enouff ye will be playing with Fyre.
ANATHEMA
What’s going on out here?
CROWLEY
Long story. No time.
ANATHEMA
Try me.
Aziraphale pockets the fragment, and steps forward.
AZIRAPHALE
Ah, okay, so, in the beginning, in the Garden, there was, well, he was a wily old serpent and I was technically on apple tree duty . . .
Crowley touches his finger to his lips. Aziraphale shuts up. Anathema sees Adam.
ANATHEMA
Hi, Adam. Hi, Pepper. Hi, you two.
ADAM
Hello, Anathema. You just stopped them blowing up the world, didn’t you?
ANATHEMA
I guess. My boyfriend here did the tricky bit.
Newt starts to make a self-deprecating shrug, then realises what she just said.
NEWT
Boyfriend?
Pepper shakes her head at this unfortunate news.
PEPPER
Another deluded victim of the patriarchy.
Shadwell is looking meaningfully at Newt, and then at Anathema. He is beckoning with a finger. Newt looks nervously at Shadwell.
Madame Tracy nudges Shadwell hard. She approves of Newt and Anathema.
And there is a CRACKLE of lightning. A LIGHTNING STRIKE! But when it’s over, there’s A FIGURE OF PURE LIGHT STANDING ON THE TARMAC.
It is Gabriel!
A moment, and he is FULLY HUMAN, brushing the dust off his excellent suit, checking his watch.
There is a lurch, and everyone is thrown to the ground. A crack in the earth, and through it rises Beelzebub.
For a moment, Beelzebub is the hellish,
fly-like creature we’ve encountered so far, and then, suddenly, it’s COMPLETELY HUMAN.
Both Gabriel and Beelzebub are wearing nice suits: political enemies.
CROWLEY
Lord Beelzebub. What an honour.
BEELZEBUB
Crowley, the traitor.
CROWLEY
Not a nice word.
BEELZEBUB
All the other words I have for you are worse. Where is the boy?
GABRIEL
That one. Adam Young. Young man: Armageddon must restart, right now. A temporary inconvenience is not going to get in the way of the ultimate good.
Gabriel and Beelzebub are both addressing their pitches directly to Adam. Armageddon has stopped and they want him to kickstart it again.
BEELZEBUB
As to what it standz in the way of, that has yet to be decided. But the battle must be decided now, boy. That is your deztiny. It is written. Now: start the war.
ADAM
You both want to end the world, just to see whose gang is best?
GABRIEL
Obviously. That’s the Great Plan. The entire point of the creation of the Earth . . .
BEELZEBUB
I’ve got this. Adam, once this is over, you’re going to get to rule the world. Don’t you want to rule the world?
We look at Anathema and Newt, holding hands. At Shadwell and Madame Tracy. At the Them. At Crowley and Aziraphale. They worry about what answer Adam will give.
ADAM
It’s hard enough having to think of things for Pepper and Wensley and Brian to do all the time so they don’t get bored. I’ve got all the world I want.
GABRIEL
You can’t refuse to be who you are! Your birth and destiny are part of the Great Plan.
Crowley is rubbing his forehead, defeated. And then he realises that Aziraphale has stepped forward.
AZIRAPHALE
Excuse me. You keep talking about the Great Plan.
GABRIEL
Aziraphale. Maybe you should just keep your mouth shut.
AZIRAPHALE
Only, I’m not clear on one thing. Is this the Ineffable Plan?
BEELZEBUB
The Great Plan. It is written. There shall be a world and it shall last for six thousand years and end in fire and flame . . .
AZIRAPHALE
Yes, that’s the Great Plan all right. Just wondering if it’s the Ineffable Plan as well.
GABRIEL
(baffled)
It’s the same thing, surely?
Crowley starts to smile. He realises what Aziraphale is doing . . . He steps in.
CROWLEY
(to himself)
You don’t know.
(to Gabriel)
Be a pity if you thought you were doing what the Great Plan said, but actually, you were going directly against God’s Ineffable Plan.
Now he and Aziraphale flank Adam.
CROWLEY (CONT’D)
Everyone knows the Great Plan. But the Ineffable Plan is, well, it’s ineffable, isn’t it? By definition, we can’t know it.
BEELZEBUB
But it iszz written!
GABRIEL
God does not play games with the universe!
Crowley and Aziraphale look at him with pity.
CROWLEY
Where have you been?
Neither Gabriel nor Beelzebub seem exactly assured now. They step together to consult.
GABRIEL
(quietly)
I’m going to need to talk to . . . head office. How I’m going to get ten million angels to stand down from war footing doesn’t bear thinking about . . .
BEELZEBUB
(quietly)
No? You ought to try to get ten million demons to put down their weaponsz and go back to work.
GABRIEL
(quietly)
Well. At least we know whose fault this is.
And they both glance at Crowley and Aziraphale. Aziraphale gives them a happy wave. Crowley sighs at this.
GABRIEL (CONT’D)
(to Adam)
Young man?
ADAM
Yes.
GABRIEL
You were put on this earth to do one thing and one thing only. To end it. You’re a disobedient little brat. I hope someone tells your father.
BEELZEBUB
Someone will. And your father . . . will not be pleased.
They vanish. Dust blows across the airfield.
MADAME TRACY
Weren’t they odd?
ADAM
I want to go home.
WENSLEYDALE
Actually, I want to go home too.
Aziraphale is humbled and amazed that they survived. Crowley drops to his knees. He’s in sudden, stabbing pain.
CROWLEY
No. No no no no nono no no no. NOOOOO!
AZIRAPHALE
What’s happening? I can feel something . . .
CROWLEY
They did it. They told his father.
AZIRAPHALE
Oh no.
CROWLEY
And his satanic father . . . is not happy . . .
The tarmac starts to shake and shudder. Everyone is staggering.
NEWT
Perhaps it’s a volcano.
ANATHEMA
There aren’t any volcanoes in England. It’s really angry, whatever it is. I can feel it . . . it’s getting closer . . .
A huge judder and they are thrown to the ground . . .
Pepper and Brian and Wensleydale hold hands. They look at Adam. He reaches out and holds Pepper’s hand.
SHADWELL
What’s happening?
AZIRAPHALE
Well, you can call me an old silly, but it looks like the Devil’s coming. Satan himself.
SHADWELL
That’s the way it is, then?
Shadwell waves the Thundergun. He stands in front of Madame Tracy.
SHADWELL (CONT’D)
Anyone who wants to hurt the Hoor of Babylon is gonna have to get past me!
MADAME TRACY
(pleased)
Ooh, Mr Shadwell!
Crowley turns to Aziraphale.
CROWLEY
Right. That was that. It was nice knowing you.
AZIRAPHALE
We can’t give up now.
CROWLEY
This is Satan himself. It isn’t about Armageddon. This is personal. We are fucked.
Aziraphale picks up the sword from the ground, and holds it awkwardly, as if it might go off. He’s not threatening Crowley with it, just making his point that he can do dangerous out-of-character things if he needs to.
AZIRAPHALE
Come up with something, or . . . Or I’m never going to talk to you again.
Crowley nods. That one hurts. What the hell. Crowley snaps his fingers . . . and time stops.
615EXT. THE TIMESTOP BUBBLE – EVENING
We are transported. We are inside Adam’s head, or perhaps inside Crowley’s. We could be on the airstrip, or a meadow, or a London Street, and it could be any time of day, but there are only three people here now: Adam and Crowley and Aziraphale.
Crowley and Aziraphale have wings now. Aziraphale’s are well-groomed. Crowley’s were once white but have seen better days.
Crowley runs his hands through his hair and puts on a new pair of sunglasses.
CROWLEY
Adam! Listen: your father’s coming to destroy you. Probably to destroy all of us.
ADAM
My dad? He wouldn’t hurt anybody.
CROWLEY
Not your earthly father. Satan. Your father who is no longer in Heaven. He’s coming. And he’s angry.
ADAM
So what do you want me to do about it? Fight him?
Adam is close to us, looking at us. Crowley and Aziraphale are some distance away, seen over his shoulders. All in focus. The effect is that we have an angel on one shoulder and a demon on the other.
CROWLEY
<
br /> I don’t think that fighting him would do any good. You’re going to have to come up with something else.
ADAM
But . . . I’m just a kid.
AZIRAPHALE
That’s not a bad thing to be, Adam. You know, I was scared you’d be Hell Incarnate. I hoped you’d be Heaven Incarnate. But you aren’t either of those things. You’re better than that. You’re HUMAN incarnate.