The Deepest Breath

by Meg Grehan

  From my little life

  In our little house

  And my little classroom

  “Am I dumb?”

  I ask

  “For not knowing

  For having all the clues

  And not putting them together?”

  Susan shakes her head

  She shakes her head

  Fast and hard

  Like the very idea

  Is so

  So far from true

  That she needs to push it away

  “I don’t like feeling dumb”

  I whisper really quietly

  So no one else hears

  I don’t want to feel dumb or confused or weird anymore

  After a minute

  She takes a big breath

  And says

  “You read a lot,

  Don’t you?”

  And I nod

  Pride pulls my lips into a smile

  So I take a sip to hide it

  “Have you ever read a book about a little girl

  Who is clever?”

  I scan my memories

  Then nod

  “Do you remember how that made you feel?”

  I blush a bit

  And tell her

  It made me feel clever

  And it made me feel

  Like it was OK

  To feel that way

  That maybe it was cool

  To be clever

  And a girl

  Susan smiles

  Mostly happy this time

  “And have you ever read a book

  About a kid who goes on a big adventure?

  Who does something scary

  Because it’s important

  Because it matters to them?”

  And I nod again

  “How did that make you feel?”

  “Like I could do the same”

  I say

  “Like I could be brave

  If I needed to be

  Even if I’m scared

  I could be

  Brave”

  “Then maybe we should find you some books

  That can show you

  All the other things you can be

  Or feel

  Maybe that might help?”

  I nod

  And it starts to make sense

  Why I’ve been

  So lost

  I’m not dumb

  Or silly

  I just didn’t have

  All the clues

  All the pieces

  To the puzzle

  Sure

  I knew

  People could love people

  But those people

  Were few

  And far between

  I guessed

  Because I never

  Saw them

  I never saw

  A girl hold a girl’s hand

  Or a boy kiss a boy’s forehead

  I never saw it

  It’s like the barreleye fish

  With its see-through head

  Or the peacock mantis shrimp

  With its punch

  Fast as a bullet

  Octopuses with nine hearts

  Sharks that cut circles in the bellies of fish

  I know they exist

  Deep inside

  In the smart part of me

  But I don’t understand it

  In the soft part of me

  The feeling part

  For that part

  It’s just too

  Far away

  And a little

  Too scary

  “Do you think that would help?”

  Susan asks

  And I nod

  And she nods

  And tells me that that’s what we’ll do then

  We’ll find books and

  We’ll find me in them

  “I have to call your mum first”

  Susan tells me

  And I nod

  And a spiky fear

  Erupts

  In my tummy

  Like crystal in a cave

  Jagged and cold

  “What if—”

  I start

  But I don’t know what the rest of the question is

  What if

  What

  What if Mum is angry

  Or sad

  Or disappointed

  It’ll be my fault

  All my fault

  “I don’t want to make my mum

  Sad”

  “She might be sad”

  Susan says

  “She might be

  At first”

  And I like how she says it

  Like I can handle it

  So I decide

  Right then

  To believe her

  To be the kid

  And let her be the

  Grownup

  I tell her Mum’s number

  When Susan hangs up the phone

  She kneels down in front of me

  And says

  In a serious

  You-must-listen

  Voice

  “Everything will be OK

  And if it ever

  Isn’t

  You know

  You’re safe

  Here

  And you are

  Never

  Alone

  OK?”

  And I say OK

  And we go look at books

  We pick out two books

  I choose one about trains

  And Susan picks out one

  With two girls on the cover

  Holding hands

  And I hold it

  And I stare at it

  And it makes me feel

  So many things

  All at once

  And for once

  Every single thing I feel

  Is good

  And happy

  And real

  And true

  Mum comes sprinting through the door

  Twenty minutes later

  She bursts in like she was thrown

  Hectic and red-faced and covered in snow

  Her scarf tangled in her hair

  I watch her stop

  And search

  Looking for me

  And I tell my feet to move

  To walk to her

  And tell her I’m OK

  And not to worry

  That I’m sorry

  And I’ll never do it again

  But my feet

  My feet won’t go

  Susan

  Standing behind me

  Clears her throat

  And steps in front of me

  “Don’t worry”

  She whispers

  So so quietly

  Only I can possibly hear

  And she walks up to my mum

  And says “Hi”

  In her friendly librarian voice

  “You’re Stevie’s mum, right?”

  And Mum smiles and says yes and asks where I am and thanks her for calling

  All so fast I don’t think she took a single

  Breath

  She sounds

  So scared

  And of all the things I thought she would feel

  All the things I thought

  I would make her feel

  Scared

  Wasn’t on the list

  I never even

  Considered

  Fear

  And I feel

  Awful

  For it

  Guilt plops into my tummy

  So heavy I feel like I might

  Fall over

  But instead

  My feet start moving

  And I run

  Run run run

  To my mum

  “I’m sorry

  I’m sorry

  I’m sorry

  Mum, I’m so sorry”

  I chant

  Like a song

  But she doesn’t hear

/>   Because she’s chanting

  “Stevie

  Stevie

  Are you OK?

  Stevie

  Are you OK?”

  I know she’ll be mad soon

  I know I’ll be in trouble

  For leaving the house

  When I promised

  Cross-my-heart promised

  That I wouldn’t

  And I know that

  But right now

  All I care about

  Is my mum

  And how scared she sounds

  And how scared I’ve been

  Without even noticing

  So I hug her

  Tight tight tight

  twelve

  Susan helps us drag two big beanbags

  All the way into the art section

  I picked here

  Because I don’t think either of us

  Have ever been here before

  And it feels right

  To go somewhere

  New

  Mum drops herself into her beanbag

  And it makes a whoosh sound around her

  She looks

  Tired

  Not sleepy

  But tired

  Like she’s used up all of the energy

  She had for the day

  And now she’s run out

  I flop into my beanbag

  Right beside her

  And we look at each other

  And I think

  We both know

  Just know

  That something is about to change

  The air feels different

  Full of crackles

  And my stomach feels different

  Full of butterflies

  Everything feels too sharp

  I feel like I’m in a movie

  Like aliens could walk in

  Like I could sprout wings

  Like the whole world might just   stop

  And I wouldn’t be surprised

  I feel like there’s electricity in my bones

  And no part of me

  Wants to stay still

  I feel

  Scared

  Mum takes my hand

  “Is this—”

  She’s looking at me

  Really looking at me

  And she looks

  So like my mum

  So like herself

  Like I haven’t really

  Seen her

  In weeks

  Her face is so real and so clear and so hers

  Her big green eyes

  Just like mine

  Her freckled nose

  Her one dimple

  She squeezes my hand

  And the distance between us

  The distance I was sure I felt

  Evaporates

  It’s gone

  So quickly

  I’m not sure if it was ever actually there

  Or if it was just me

  Being

  Afraid

  So I look at her face

  And it’s the face that’s there

  When I wake up from my nightmares

  That nods and smiles when I tell her what I learned at school

  That laughs when I tell her jokes I make up

  It’s the face that I know best

  So I look right at her

  And I nod to say

  It’s OK

  You can ask

  And she nods back

  “Is this about Chloe?”

  And I think

  She knows

  She already knows

  But I take a breath

  Shaky but deep

  And I tell her anyway

  For me

  And for her

  I tell her

  “Chloe has really nice eyes”

  I say

  Because in that minute it’s all my brain offers up

  “She has really

  Really nice eyes

  “And I’d never noticed

  Anyone’s eyes

  Before

  “I don’t care

  Really

  If they’re blue

  Or green or

  Brown or

  “I don’t care

  I don’t

  Notice

  “But I noticed

  Chloe’s eyes

  “They’re

  Brown

  “And they’re really

  Nice”

  And I cross my fingers

  In my pocket

  And I beg the world

  The whole entire world

  Please

  Let that be enough

  Please

  Let her understand

  Let me be

  Understood

  And I open my eyes

  And my mum is smiling a strange smile

  And her eyes are wet

  And she looks happy and sad and everything in between

  And I didn’t know a person could be

  So many things at once

  But here she is

  A little shaky

  A little worried

  But still smiling

  “I get it”

  She says

  “I get it”

  And I cry again

  And I’ve cried a lot today

  But it’s different

  This time

  thirteen

  We’re putting on our mittens

  When the librarian’s face

  Lights up

  And a little

  “Oh!”

  Pops out of her mouth and

  She scurries off

  Toward the history section

  With a whisper-shout of

  “Just a sec!”

  She comes back a minute later

  Red in the face

  Carrying a book

  It must have a million pages

  And on the front

  Are people

  Hundreds of people

  Cheering and chanting

  As someone at the very front

  Waves a rainbow flag

  She hands it to my mum

  And my mum’s face does something funny

  Like all her feelings want to be known

  All at once

  But then it smoothes out

  And she just smiles

  And says

  “Perfect”

  Really quiet

  But she isn’t looking at the book

  She’s looking right at me

  So I smile too

  Then we both hug Susan

  And say we’ll see her next Thursday

  And she hugs back

  And we go

  Back out

  Into the snow

  Together this time

  “So”

  I say

  And take a deep breath down to my toes

  “I have a crush”

  I swoosh the words out like a gust of wind

  Fast fast fast

  Full of all my breath and all my stress so now I’m empty

  And my chest feels a little less tight

  And my shoulders drop a little

  And my body feels like my very own body again

  “Yep”

  Mum says

  And she takes a breath too

  Deep and wobbly

  “You have a crush”

  And we look at each other

  And there’s something in her eyes and I

  Think I know

  What it is and

  Oh no

  She explodes

  In the loudest

  “STEVIE AND CHLOE SITTING IN A TREE!”

  “Mum, no!”

  “K-I-S-S-I-N-G”

  “Mum! No one even says that anymore!”

  I blush so hard

  The warmth melts me

  Melts all of the bad feelings

  All the fears and all the confusion

  And the blush

  An
d the warmth

  Settle in my chest

  So lovely and so sweet

  A warmth so strong the ice around my feet might melt too

  This feels

  Like the very beginning

  Like there’s more to figure out

  To talk about

  To learn

  But it doesn’t feel so scary

  Now

  Because standing right beside me

  Mum is giggling

  Like I’ve never heard her giggle before

  High and light and ringing

  She’s gripping her tummy

  And laughing laughing laughing

  And she looks

  Happy

  And she looks at me

  Like I’m the very best

  And I feel

  The very best

  So I laugh too

  And we grip our sides

  And we laugh

  And laugh

  And laugh

  Until we can barely catch our breath anymore

  And then

  I scoop snow into my palm

  And smush it between my mittens

  And I chuck it

  Right at Mum’s head

  And it hits with a splat

  And she looks at me

  Her eyes

  Glowing

  And we’re still for a minute

  Staring at each other

  Red cheeks and teary eyes from giggling

  And smiles as big as smiles can be

  And then

  Fast as lightning

  She ducks

  And then snow is coming right for me

  And boom

  It hits my chest and I fall

  Flat on my back

  And I snort

  Because with my big puffy coat

  And my mile-long scarf

  I can’t really get up

  So Mum lies beside me

  In the snow

  Outside the library

  And we make snow angels

  And we look at the sky

  The bluest blue I think I’ve ever seen

  And everything

  Everything

  Everything