Love, Riley: Redemption Highway: Briarwood

by Leaona Luxx

  I’m still living at Willow’s, but I need to get my shit together and go home. I’m on my way there when my phone buzzes. It’s Walker. “Hey, Walker.”

  “Hello, Ava. How are you?” He always sounds so sincere. I bet he hates me for stringing Riley on.

  “Meh, I’m here.” My tone purposely bland.

  “Well, I have a letter for you.” My heart palpitates, and I gasp as if I didn’t know that’s what he was going to say. He checks on me every day, either by text or calling.

  “Okay.” I struggle for air as my heart races. “I’m on my way to Willow’s, can I met you?”

  “Sounds good. How about dinner?” This is my chance to ask about Riley, to find out what he does and where he is.

  “Sure. Tell me where?” I happily agree.

  “How about The Shack? Say twenty minutes?” I check the time, perfect.

  “Sounds good, by the way, I’m in scrubs.” I wrinkle my nose.

  “Riley loves you in scrubs, I’ll get him a picture.” Riley loves my ass in scrubs.

  “Yeah, well you’re taking a picture of what he likes in them.” I shake my head.

  “Dude, really?” He chuckles.

  “See you in a few.” I end the call. Riley loves my ass in scrubs, he would tell me, ‘it gives me chubs.’ What the hell?

  Walker’s waiting on me when I arrive. I park beside him so we can go in together. “You want near a window or does it matter?” he asks.

  “Booth,” I answer. I want a little privacy so we can talk.

  We sit in the booth furthest from everyone to my satisfaction. Once we order, he lay the letter on the table. “The address is the one you’ll use to write to him.” I slide it over to me, running my finger across his name.

  “I’ve been meaning to write him.” I take a deep breath. “No, I haven’t.” Walker’s eyes snap to mine. I look away, ashamed.

  “Why? I mean, don’t you want to, Ava?” His eyes are narrowed; I know he thinks I’m a monster.

  “I’m afraid. I know it seems silly to some, but I have fucking reasons I can’t be with him, no matter what my heart wants,” I growl at him. This isn’t easy for me either.

  “I think we all know you’ve had a bad life, we even try to understand. But damn you, Ava, if you fuck with my little brother.” Walker’s nostrils flare.

  “Had he been honest with me to begin with, we wouldn’t be here,” I say with disdain.

  “Because you wouldn’t be here.” He levels me with his indignation.

  My fingers trace Riley’s name, and I fight the need to flee. “I wouldn’t.”

  “What now?” He draws in a deep breath.

  I stare at the paper in front of me. “Where is he? What does he do? What’s his rank? Tell me something he won’t.”

  “Have you ever asked?” he retorts.

  “No.” This is getting us nowhere. “I need to know. I’m trying to work this out.” Another deep breath, and I let it out. I’ll not tell another living soul until I tell Riley. “When I was six, my father killed my mom. He then took a gun and killed himself. He suffered from PTSD” Walker leans closer, studying me with each word spoken.

  “My biggest fear—my father had it, I have it, could my child get it? I know what it means. I also know Andi doesn’t suffer from any mental illness, but what if the next one does?” I drop my gaze, gathering myself as I try to control my shaking body.

  Walker sits there for a few minutes, I look at him when he breaks his silence as he weighs his words carefully. “When Sallie was killed, her murderer tried to use mental illness as a defense. I did, when I put my hands on Thayer. Something I’ll regret for the rest of my life. What he did, what I did, was not a mental illness. I’ve been in counseling since and will have to live with what I did. Your father should’ve had better care. Your life could be so different now had he gotten help. Mental illness is just becoming a topic that is no longer shunned in society.” He watches me as his eyes are no more than a slit.

  “It’s a shame, honestly. The stigma, the treatment. Your father probably feared losing everything if they knew. I mean, you don’t tell people. Why? Because of the ignominy of your diagnoses. The dishonor your father felt must have been so great.” He swallows as I fidget in my seat, my palms sweaty.

  “Society is changing, Ava. Mental illness is no longer hid in the backroom. The military, especially, is taking better care of their own. There are no guarantees in life. So, to answer your questions—he’s in Afghanistan on his third tour. He’s Special Forces, he’ll need to explain what that means. He can be gone anywhere from six months to a year or longer. He may not even know.” Crossing his arms, he leans forward on the table.

  I knock the tear away with my finger before it can fall. “Thank you. Looks as though I have more to consider than I first thought.”

  “Talk to him,” he encourages.

  “How?” I glare at him as if he’s lost his mind.

  “Write him.” The letter I still have under my hand feels different now. Like hope.

  Walker and I share old memories and laughter while we enjoy dinner. Time seems to fly by and before we know it, it’s time to leave. He walks me to my car, giving me a big hug. Like the brother I’ve never had. As we stand there saying our goodbye’s, a police car drives by, slowing down enough that I can see it’s Dax.

  On my drive home, I’m overcome with a longing for Riley, and an excited flutter erupts in my belly. My breathing slows as I’m flooded with memories of Riley. I rush through the door, racing to my room. I pull the box from its safe place, under the bed. Unfolding two more letters, I read them quickly, so I can read his newest letter.

  Ava,

  I heard you were dating Brannon today. I can’t be his friend anymore. I love you.

  Riley

  He must’ve been around ten, Andi’s age. How could he have even fathomed he was in love with me?

  Ava,

  I watched you with him today. He doesn’t love you. Not the way I do. Please, give me the chance to show you. I love you.

  Riley

  Ava,

  How are you? I was hoping to have heard from you by now; I suppose you’re busy. We still feel like a dream to me, then again, this feels like a dream. I’m sorry, baby. I was given the opportunity to have my fifth-year option picked up, not thinking they would take their option. I didn’t think it would happen, so I put in for the police academy. Soon after we were together, I knew I wanted to be at home. I guess we broke up before I left but I don’t see it that way, baby. We had a disagreement, I’m going with, we’re still dating. Please don’t let go.

  How’s the work on the house coming along? Have you been out to see it? I think I got everything you wanted, if not, exchange it. One knows you have all buying power.

  I love you, Ava. Always have, always will.

  Ry

  I wrap my arms around my legs, pulling my knees to my chest. My chest burns as if my heart has been ripped out by bare hands. My own. I feel in love with this incredible man, who never imagined he would be leaving me behind.

  He couldn’t even bring himself to think I would love him, let alone wait. Why is he continuing to try? He doesn’t consider us broken up? I guess because he never asked to date. My body physically begins to reject itself as I heave.

  Bile rising as I run for the bathroom, losing the contents as soon as I lean over. I fall to my knees, shivering from heartbreak. Anger. How dare he act as though nothing has happened?

  I clean myself up, walking with purpose to the bedroom and grabbing my pen. He doesn’t get to love me, fear me and leave me. Hell no. He broke my heart and after making me love him… he walks away. The exact thing he just knew I would do.

  Riley,

  I’ve tried writing this a hundred times, I’m not even sure where to start. I love you, that hasn’t changed. I’m scared, Ry. There are things that have happened in my life, and I’m afraid it will change everything between us. I was angry, too. You should have trusted me
enough to believe in me. You went around threatening life and limb to anyone who didn’t believe in me and in the end, it was you who was my greatest disappointment.

  You gave me some of the most beautiful gifts I’ve ever received. The most important being to never allow anyone to judge me. That means you, too. You’re not allowed to say you love me but not accept that I love you. How fuckin’ unfair? You get to corner the market on love? Mine is felt just as deep, it’s as powerful, and it means every bit as much as yours does.

  You asked me to marry you daily, knowing you weren’t counting on me to do it. Were you serious? Or was it a joke? You keep asking me to not give up on us. To not let go. You gave up before we got started. You wrote ‘I love you’ so many times over the years, was that honest? Have you been with me over some infatuation?

  I may not be the best judge for love and how to treat someone, but I do know how not to treat them. You don’t get to come into my life and disappear because you didn’t think we’d be together. Was there ever a time I said, ‘I love you’ that you believed it? Or were you just happy to fuck the town whore because you had a crush on her? Or were you just happy to fuck over me, like everyone else?

  Riley, I love you. At some point, you need to be honest with yourself—do you want me or the idea of having me? Love doesn’t stop because the time is up. It may have run out for one person, but there’s always at least one person who gets hurt.

  Always, Trouble

  Folding my letter, I put it in a nice envelope. Licking the seal, I pray he’ll understand. The following week, I write him two more times. Nothing too heartfelt, I just want him to know I’m here.

  Riley,

  Andi asked about you the other day, I told her you were working. It keeps the tough questions at bay. Only to bring mine to the forefront. Is there a possibility you’ll come home? I need to know, it’s an important part of us.

  Always, Ava

  Ry,

  I miss you. My heart misses you. But my mind keeps telling me we have no chance. What am I supposed to do? How am I ever gonna figure this out? Do I even deserve such a love? I’ve done a lot of shitty things in life. Maybe I deserve this. Nothing. Just heartache.

  Ava

  Thanksgiving comes and goes with a new letter from Riley. It takes me a few days to respond to it; I’m still searching my own demons. I’m hoping to figure out what’s best for us. Right now, I can’t see tomorrow for all the yesterdays.

  Ava,

  I miss you. I feel as though my soul has been ripped from me. I dream of you every night. Your lips on mine, your body pressed against mine. Your taste on my tongue. How you feel, wrapped around me. I’d give anything to be sunk in you right now. I need to change the subject.

  How is Andi? I bet she’s growing, I feel like I haven’t seen her in forever. I’m sure she’s still as pretty as her momma. By the way, baby, how are your classes? I wish I was there to help you, you know you enjoyed my cooking. Are you still staying with Willow and Hawk? I hope so, I’ll worry if not.

  I know we have so much to work through; I’m not trying to dodge the topic. I wish we could hold on until I got home to talk about it. I hate trying to figure it all out this way. Telling you I love you and that I’m sorry just doesn’t work like this. I do want you to take all the time you need to think this through. I do want to know everything. I want to know you better than anyone in this world. I want our love to be on another level.

  I want you to share your fears, doubts, thoughts, wants, everything—I want it all, Ava. I want your good and your bad. I promise you will never have to question my love again.

  I love you. Riley

  Ry,

  Holding on is all I have right now, I miss you more than I could’ve ever imagined. The more I think about our future, it doesn’t seem possible. I don’t think we can make it. Look at how it worked before, neither of us trusting the other enough to share our fears. I’m so in love with you, I’m afraid of hurting you. Hurting us. What if we can’t make it? Is love enough to help us through? Is our love the kind that survives anything?

  Ava

  Riley,

  Classes are going well, just a few more weeks until Christmas break. I bought you a present, Andi helped. She wants to write to you, so I’m thinking about it. I think she loves you as much as I do—that’s impossible.

  I have a confession, I found your box of letters from over the years. They’re perfect, I love them. I’ve been reading them a few at a time. I don’t think you’re going to get them back.

  Always, Trouble

  Riley,

  Momma said I could write to you. I hope work is going well. We miss you. Even if Momma says she doesn’t, she does. She cries and is sad all the time. I’m not supposed to tell you that. Come home soon, I miss you.

  Andi

  Ava,

  This may be the first Christmas I hate not being home. To have you and Andi helping to decorate a tree. I’ve been thinking, we should go to the mountains next year to find snow. I know what you’re thinking—you’ve never told me if we’re gonna be able to work this out. We will, I promise, baby. We’ll work it out.

  Please let me know how your tests go. I know you’ll pass, but I’d like to know, anyway. I miss you, baby. This is a hard life; some couples don’t make it. I think it’s like any other relationship, you have to continue to work at it.

  Marry me? Today, tomorrow, whenever, but say you’ll marry me. I know you’re scared, but I’ve tried to be patient, and I keep waiting for you to tell me everything. I know it must be hard, but I need to know. If we ever plan on working this out, I need you to talk to me about it. Old wounds only rot and fester. Let me help make it better. No matter what it is, we can do it together.

  I love you. Riley

  Riley,

  I have never needed you more than I have today. I have so much to tell you, and I’m mad as hell you’re not here. My dreams are back. I think it’s because I keep holding all of this inside. I’m not sure where to start, but I need to start somewhere.

  My father was Special Forces when I was six-years-old, and he suffered from PTSD. He killed my mom and then himself. I watched it all. I see a doctor for PTSD now. I hate that I do, but sometimes, I need the help to get by, to keep moving in life. It’s harder now that you’re gone. My life feels as though it’s empty.

  I’ve tried to understand that just because my father and I have it, this mental illness would never affect us, but it’s simply not true. I know it’s not inherited, I understand it’s severe trauma. I know it takes a trigger to have an episode, but to take a chance on destroying us or hurting you isn’t worth the risk.

  And to bring a child into it, I already worry for Andi. I know to some it’s irrational fears. They are so real. Just as real as any other fear. Having a child, a family with all of these factors, seem reckless. Can I withstand my past enough to survive our future? Will you agree to marry me, knowing we may never have a family? I’m not sure I can ask that of you.

  I love you, Ry. I’m not convinced it’s enough.

  Ava

  “Hey, girl. How are you?” Torrie yells from across the parking lot.

  “Good.” I throw on a weak smile. “How are you?”

  “Well, hell, Ava. At least try to convince me,” she says as she gets closer. “You look like shit.”

  “That’s exactly the look I was going for, nailed it.” I toss my jacket back in the seat.

  She cocks a brow. “I thought this was a celebration dinner?”

  “Celebration?” My heart races, thinking the opposite of what she’s talking about.

  “Oh, no. I meant for making it through your first semester.” She scans the crowd. “Do you not want to go shopping?”

  “Not really.” My heart doesn’t want to be happy. “I need to buy Andi some presents, though.”

  “We’ll make it quick. I have a surprise for you,” she says conspiratorially.

  Two hours later, my pregnant friend is about to drop. I car
ry packages out to my car so we can grab some dinner; we’ll divide them later. Torrie looks as though she could devour a rack of ribs. We walk over to Old South BBQ and to my surprise, all the girls are here.

  “Hey, y’all.” I wave as we approach the table. “Wow, y’all look great,” I say as Thayer and Lea stand to hug me.

  “It’s good to see you. We’ve had to keep tabs through Willow.” Thayer giggles.

  “And she’s tighter lipped than Hawk’s wallet.” Lea laughs.

  “Look at you! Mom of how many?” I exclaim as the mother of six spins.

  “Sex and breastfeeding takes it off like nobody’s business,” she professes.

  “Thank the Lord, One tied that sack or we’d be having another baby shower.” Thayer smirks as we all laugh.

  “Y’all are the babying-est people I’ve ever seen,” I hiss.

  “You tell ‘em, Ava.” Maisyn grabs me for a hug. I work my way around the table to Ryver and Emerson. “I’m just saying, I’ll never have another one.” The table goes silent.

  “What about Riley?” Lea asks as she studies my response.

  “He can have as many as he wants”—I motion for the waitress—“with his wife.”

  “I thought that was going to be you?” Maisyn asks.

  “He wants to get married and have a child. I’m not sure that’s for me.” When the waitress approaches, I order quickly. “Two Green Fairies.” As she walks away, I’m faced with the firing line. “What?”

  “You’re walking away from Riley?” Maisyn pins me with a pointed glare.

  “Technically, he walked away, twice, if you’re keeping count to decide if I need to be burnt at the stake.” I smirk.