by Leaona Luxx
“Not with him.” I shake my head. “There’s too much at stake, and I can’t risk it.”
He nods, thinking as he releases me, and we turn to the house. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that. Surely with the friends we have, someone can help.”
“I don’t think so, but thanks.” I give him a weak smile as we step up on the porch. Andi and Torrie join us.
After a long visit, I’ve replenished my weary soul. Torrie, Andi, and I fix a nice dinner, and Joyce, Brannon’s mom joins us. “You know, you’re more than welcome to stay,” Torrie says.
“No, I’ve overstayed my welcome already. Thank you, I needed this evening.” We walk with our arms around each other as I pat her growing belly. A twinge of jealousy hits me in the gut hard.
“Are you sure, Ava? That this is the only way?” She stares at me. I know she wants me to deny it, but I can’t.
“I think so. I’d never survive if I were to snap and hurt him or our child.” I chew on my lip.
“Alright. I love you, sister.” I love it when she calls me sister, I feel as though I have a family.
“By the way, I have some things to take to Riley’s, and they’ve asked Andi and me to dinner on Friday if that’s okay?” I sigh.
Brannon narrows his eyes. “Are you sure you want to do that?”
“Yes, I need for us to tell them goodbye.” I nod as my belly flips. This isn’t going to be easy.
I walk through my door around ten pm. I’m feeling a little outta sorts, so I draw a bubble bath and soak as long as the hot water holds out. Sleep comes quickly, making me attribute it to not having anything of him around.
I trudge through two more days of school, making it to Friday. I almost wish it hadn’t have come. Andi and I park beside Riley’s truck, and I pass by it, running my hand down the side. I miss him. I fight the urge to climb in and sob until someone can help me.
“Hey, there’s our girls. It’s been so long.” Ian, Riley’s dad, assaults us with hugs. Andi giggles her ass off.
Cynthia stands to the side, waiting for her turn. “Hi, so glad you could join us.”
“We love to visit, y’all. It feels like home, you’re so good to us.” I give a weak smile.
Walker takes the deck steps two at a time. “Hey, Mom. Dad.” He kisses his mom on the way to sitting down. “Hey, sis. Andi Pandi, come here.” He holds his arms out for a hug, and she runs to him.
Andi plays in the pool while we wait for the food to grill. Settling into small talk, Cynthia asks me about the house. “How does the house look, are you liking the final product?”
“It’s gorgeous. You should go look at it, I’m sure with your expertise it could only help.” My heart constricts as I grapple with my emotions.
“I’d love to come over, let me know the next time you’re there.” She winks at me.
Ian interrupts as he and Walker come toward us. “Food’s ready.”
“I’ll just get Andi,” I say as I stand.
“Andi?” She comes running over. “I got her,” Walker says.
“I’m coming, Uncle Walker told me to move it.” She nods, smiling. Well, hell. I think I might just lose my shit.
I smile up at him. “Thank you.”
“He’s gonna make a great uncle, Momma.” My chest aches as I get lost in thoughts of Riley as a dad, makeup on his face.
I giggle, pulling my phone from my pocket. “I’ve got to show y’all something.” I find our picture, cueing it up for them. I pass the phone. “It was Andi’s first night with us. I went to shower and when I got out, this is what I found.”
Riley’s face, covered with makeup and hair ties in his hair, smiles perfectly. Proud to be her stand-in. He’s always been proud to be mine. Like the crazed fool I’ve become, I watch their faces, beaming with pride. Cynthia begins to tear, and I lose it.
“Momma, don’t cry.” Andi slides into my lap, hugging me.
“I miss him. He’s always loved me for who I am, not what is seen.” Andi reaches me a napkin from the table to dry my face.
We laugh the rest of the evening as Ian and Cynthia share their own stories of Walker and Riley’s childhood, the mischievous adventures of brothers, best friends. Walker slides my letter to me at some point, and I stash it in my purse. We say our goodbyes with lots of hugs and a promise to return. Which will never happen. I help Andi into the car and shut her door as she buckles in.
Walking around the back of my car, I touch Riley’s truck again. I have no clue why but I try the door, and it opens. I turn to Andi, placing my finger on my lips, she smiles as she dips her head. I climb in, pulling the door together but not shutting it.
I sit back into the seat, closing my eyes. I breathe in, letting his scent penetrate the depths of my soul. I fall so deeply, I can feel his hand on mine under the moonlight. Him begging me to stay, not to run. He tells me again how much he’s in love with me.
The warmth of his body beside me invading my senses. I feel him hover over me as I watch love dance in the sparkling of his eyes. His love reveals to me all over again as I sit here in his truck. I open his last letter I’ll be getting.
Ava,
I love you. I miss you so much. I can’t wait to hold you, making love to you all night long. I’m excited as to what the next big thing is for us. Moving into our home, a new career for me in the future, and you becoming a nurse.
I plan on having you so in love with me, you’ll never remember what life was like before me. To have you smiling, laughing, and happy is all I want. We’ll take our time and get married later when you’re ready. And, Ava, we’ll do what you feel is right about a baby.
I want one with you, but if you’re not ready for that, I’ll be fine. I want you and besides, we have Andi. So, it’s all in good time, and I’m happy with that. I can’t wait to have you in my arms again.
I love you. Riley
I say his name, one final time… “Riley, I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
Stepping from the plane, I search the crowd that’s gathered to a hero’s welcome. I spot my parents’, my brother, Walker, but no Ava. I feel sick to my stomach, so I part my lips to pull a much-needed breath into my lungs. Even the cool, spring air, does nothing for the burn I feel in the hollowness in my chest.
Descending the stairs, I plaster a fake smile on for my parents. My mom reaches me first, holding me tightly. She knows, no doubt. “Welcome home, baby boy.”
I kiss her cheek. “Thank you, Mom.”
“Riley, it’s good to see you, son.” My dad drags me into a real hug, no manly man hugs here.
I pat his back. “Thanks. You look good, Mom got you on a diet again?”
“She does, I’m starving.” We chuckle.
“Hey, brother.” I pull my big, teary-eyed brother into a bear hug.
He grunts. “Good to see, baby brother.” Stepping back, I look at him a second too long, and he knows. “She’s not here.”
I lick my lips, dropping my head to regain my composure. “Alright, folks. How many are coming tonight?” I smile again, the fake one.
“Oh, you know your mom. A few hundred.” We laugh as she punches my dad in the side.
As always, my mom has everything decorated like the fourth of July. I’m a little embarrassed, but she’s doing what she knows, and I won’t hold it against her. I think everyone in town is here, except one. I rub my chest, trying to ease this damn pain rooted so deep I could yell.
Walker pats my shoulder so he doesn’t draw attention from the front seat. Our yard, already filled with well-wishers, is a welcome sight. Would’ve been nice for it to have been empty, I’m not in the mood. I do my best not to grumble too much.
I greet as many as I can, being as polite as my parents would expect. As I work the crowd, I’m a little surprised at who I run into. “One? Thank you for coming.” I shake his hand.
“We appreciate your service and Walker’s invitation.” He jerks me into a quick hug.
“Lea, good to see
you.” I hug her and it dawns on me. “You’re not pregnant.”
She chuckles. “No, for once.” She hits One in the gut.
“So?” I look from her to Thayer. Thayer? “Thayer? Wow. Good to see you.” I pull her in for a hug.
“Good to see you.” She pats me on the back as Hardy shakes my hand. “You too, Hardy.”
“It’s good to see you. Yeah. Lots of changes, our son, Holden is here as well as is Tierney,” Hardy says.
“And you’re here. Wow. Things have been poppin’ round here, huh?” I stand stunned.
“Well, it was time we be grownups,” Walker says as he approaches with some beer.
“Alright, to being grownups.” I raise my bottle to have it snatched outta my hand.
“Fuck growing up. Let’s be young forever,” Ford says as he takes a swig of my beer.
“Get your own damn beer.” I haul him in for a bear hug.
“Good to see you.” Ford hugs me back.
“I’m gonna go make my rounds, please don’t go anywhere, I’ll be back. Walker, build us a fire in the pit.” I take a deep breath as I walk away, trying to keep from going crazy. I run straight into a few more friends.
“Riley.” Maisyn throws her arms around my neck as the big guy behind her narrows his eyes. No worries dude, I’m broken.
“Good to see you,” I reach for her man’s hand. “You too.”
“Lachlan.” Is he Scottish?
“Good to meet you. Everyone is over by the fire pit, I need to greet a few people.” I jerk my head in the direction of our friends.
I continue to my parents’ guests, and about an hour later I get back over to my friends. To my surprise, Brannon and Torrie are here. “Hey, y’all. Glad you could… whoa!” I exclaim as pregnant Torrie turns at the sound of my voice. “Look at you.”
“I’m pregnant,” she says flatly.
“She’s ready, dude. Just keep quiet and pray you get out alive.” Brannon snickers. “Good to see you.” We come in for the handshake, back-pat.
“Well, let’s get her a better seat.” I turn from side to side.
“Walker’s on it,” Hardy says.
I can’t help but laugh. “Look at y’all, playin’ nice for little ole me.”
“It’s alright. He’s been a good man to you.” One nods in Walker’s direction as he comes toward us.
“He’s a great brother, good to see he’s working on himself.” I grin.
I look around at my family and friends, enjoying their company but still missing that one piece. I’m torn up and can hardly hold it in. I trot my leg to ease my racing heart. I fidget, moving from seat to seat, trying to get some relief.
No one says a word about Ava. Fuck this. They know I want to know, I need to know. I refuse to ask, I’m pissed as hell. “You doing okay?” Brannon asks.
“No.” I shake my head, answering him without making eye contact.
He bobs his head. “She’s in a bad way. Won’t listen to reason.”
“Well, she’s fucked up for the last time. I’m going to get over her if it kills me.” I chug my beer.
“Riley,” he pauses, trying to form his words, “I know you love her.”
“Not if she won’t let me. You know what, fuck this. I’m a goddamned fool. Sitting around thinking she’d be here when I got home. I should’ve known better.” I shake my head. “I mean. It’s Ava. Right?” I spit.
“Riley, you need to step back. It’ll happen, give her a little more time,” One says.
“How much more fucking time does she need? Please, tell me. I wish someone would because she won’t!” I yell, throwing my beer across the field. I take off in the opposite direction.
What in the hell is wrong with me? I’m halfway through the fields when I get to Big Rock, a big rock in the middle of my family’s land, and I plop down on it. Walker and I played on it all our lives. We named it Big Rock because it was near our tree house, and we were six and ten.
“Hey, you alright?” Ford sits beside me.
My shoulders slump as I pretend to check out my hands. “No.”
“I’m sorry,” he offers. “Have you tried calling her?”
“She gave it back before I left, her old number isn’t in use.” I shrug. “Besides, I’ve said all I can say.”
“You’re gonna give up?” Ford’s face drops as his eyes are pinned to the ground.
“She has a pay per use, man. New number when she fixed it.” Walker joins us.
“What’s left to do?”
“How about you love her like you always have?” I’m so utterly confused.
“What? Just tell me, I’m tired and freakin’ out,” I say through gritted teeth.
“I think Walker’s saying you’ve loved her this long, why give up now?” Ford reminds me.
“You’ve always loved Ava the way she needs to be loved, why stop now?” Walker asks.
I rub the heel of my hands in my eyes. “I’m here. She knows I’m home, I’ll wait until Monday. Then, I have to find a way to get over her.”
I drink until I can’t stand. I’m not even sure how I get in bed, but I wake up at noon the next day. I can’t believe Walker brought me here, knowing this was the last place we made love. I sit up, check my phone, and toss it back on the bed.
I stand, hesitating, finally deciding to get my box of letters. My hand on the closet door, I decide not to do it. It’s just more hurt and anger. Not today, I need to give my parents a day of smiles and all the love they can handle.
“Where they at?” I ask Walker when I make it to my parents’ house.
“They ran to the box store. Picking more food up because apparently, you need to be fed.” He snickers.
I fall into the couch, stretching out. “I’m beat. And hung over. How’d I get to bed?”
“Ford and me. You were gone, dude.” He cackles.
“You’re a little bitch.” I throw a pillow at him. “It’s the last place we were together, this shit’s killing me.”
He shakes head, his mouth agape. “I didn’t even think about it.”
“I came close to getting out my box with all her letters in it, just reading them all again,” I mutter.
“Give her some time, she’ll come around,” Walker tries to reassure me.
“I think I’m going to go check out the house.” I stand, wandering to the back door.
“Want some company?”
I drop my head, biting my lip. “Naw, I need to do this.”
I walk through the field toward the home that I was supposed to share with Ava. I guess, technically, I still do since I put her on the deed. The closer I get, I can see it’s fully finished. Down to the porch furniture.
I open the door to find the most beautiful home. It’s exactly as we discussed. Things we picked out together, our home. I wander through every room, it’s perfectly designed. All blues, grays, and greens. It’s her dream home.
Why the fuck did she get this far and stop? What made her run? I don’t understand, and I’m pissed as hell. I pick up a lamp, hurling it across the room. It smashes into the far wall, disintegrating. I flip the table, sending it across the floor.
Picking up the leg of the table, I smash it into the hall mirror sending a million shards of glass to the hardwood floors beneath me, much like the final remnants of my heart that she’s destroyed. I start beating holes in the wall, screaming at the top of my lungs. I dissolve into a heap in the middle of the floor.
My head lulls back as I plead, “Why, baby? What happened? You finished our home and decided to run?”
The broken mirror frame falls to the floor, startling me. Something catches my eye next to the broken table. A box. My box of letters. She’s found it and brought it here. I move toward the box, its contents tipped over.
“Valentine’s?” I don’t remember putting those in there. I flip the box right side up. My letters to Ava, my recent letters to Ava, are in the box. “She must’ve given them back to me,” I drop to my knees, as I wonder aloud
. I sift through the letters when I see some I don’t recognize.
“Ava?” I look back through the letters, one has October written on it. Every month I’ve been gone is represented here. What the fuck? I rip open the letters, the first a response to my first letter. The hours pass as I sit reading, letter after letter from Ava.
“You wrote me more than I wrote to you. Why didn’t you mail them? Why aren’t you here?” With each letter, I find her angry, afraid and in love. She talks about our future, the house, and loving me. By the time, I get to the last two envelopes, I’m afraid.
Ava has poured her heart out, telling me about her parents and the horrific tragedy she witnessed that decimated her as a little girl. The first envelope contains the deed, her name removed. I have no doubt what I’ll find in the next, I only know I don’t want to read it.
Riley,
If you’re reading this, you’ve made it back home. I’m thankful. The day you left, I was halfway home and knew I couldn’t let you go without knowing how much I love you. Watching as you placed your hand on the small window, my heart went with you. I’ll never get it back.
I gave myself to you that day, you own me. I’ve never had anyone do for me, what you have. I think I loved you before I even knew it. You’ve been so good to me, maybe that’s why this is happening. I don’t deserve good things. I never have.
My price to pay for all my misgivings is to lose you. The one thing ever given freely to me, I have to give away. Not only do I not deserve you, but I could hurt you beyond repair. My heart would never recover.
The days seemed to drag while you were gone, my heart wasn’t in it. I’ve found only two people who mean enough to me that I’d rather walk away than lose. Andi and you. I can’t imagine losing you. If you’re with me, we may lose everything. I want a family with you. But it’s not possible. Loving me is impossible.
You have no idea what it’s taking for me to do this, I’m a wreck. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love you. The complete and utter way you rule my heart. Never too strong, giving me enough room to run. But never too much that I would forget where I’m supposed to be.