Don't Fade. Breathe Easy. (TNT trilogy Book 3)

by Sarah Delany

  “Have you talked to your therapist about them?” I ask, not sure what to say.

  “Yeah, we’ve worked out a system which works the majority of the time. But since I’m not at home in my own bed, I’m a bit thrown off I think.”

  “That makes sense. It’s different sleeping in a strange bed,” I tell him, finding I’ve had less sleep this week than normal. “You doing okay in general though?” I ask, wanting to make sure his mental health is improving.

  He finally lifts his eyes, turning to lean his back against the bench to face me.

  “Yeah man, I’m a lot better now. The medication I’m on now is working. I gotta work at keeping my mind in check every day but I’m getting there,” he tells me, with a slight smile upon his face.

  “That’s awesome man. Remember if anything ever happens and you aren’t coping, make sure you reach out to someone. I’m always here too,” I tell him, looking him dead in the eye, getting my message across.

  “I hear ya dude and I will. I promise,” he says. “Here let’s hug it out then go sneak into Tamsyn’s room for you,” he says, opening his arms. I close the gap giving him a couple manly taps on his back then break apart. “Lets go,” he says and I see a glimpse of the trouble maker Rafe is famous for being.

  “You’re serious?” I ask, following him as he leads the way, checking for teachers this time.

  “Yeah, why not? It’s Friday and we are heading home today so not much they will do I reckon. Plus I can be your lookout,” he tells me, as I follow him away from our cabins and down the dusty path to where the girls are located. It’s still dark out and neither of us know the time but the sun must be sure to make an appearance soon. There’s no one out patrolling but we keep to the side where the bushes are, in case we have to hide.

  “Do you know which cabin is theirs?” I ask, because I haven’t got the slightest idea.

  “Yeah, JP and I went with Penny to her cabin before we went to the flying fox the other afternoon.”

  As the cabins come into view, we slow our steps in case anyone is still keeping an eye out at this time of the night. We creep around by their bathroom but it looks deserted, so I follow Rafe to a cabin near the end. He slowly turns the handle being as quiet as can be, holding his finger to his lips. I step in after him and we each check the beds. I see Penny asleep on the bottom bunk so I know we must be in the right room. My heart beat increases as I climb up and see my girl with her long brown hair fanned out around her.

  “Over here,” I whisper to Rafe, and he steps over, peeking up at her.

  “Cover her mouth,” he whispers, with a glint in his eyes. I know he’s up to no good but I don’t want her to blow our cover, so I cover her mouth as Rafe starts tickling her. Her eyes flash open, widening as she squirms in shock. Her muffled screams try to fill the air, but once she sees it’s me she quietens down. I nudge Rafe to stop because he’s still tormenting her. I release her mouth and her laboured breaths fill the air. Sitting up, she reaches back, grabs her pillow and whacks Rafe over the head with it, causing him to laugh.

  “So not funny,” Tamsyn tells him, crossing her arms over her chest.

  “Hey why aren’t you whacking Tate?” he queries.

  “Because that had your name written all over it,” she says, angrily. I cup her cheek and her body relaxes as she looks at me. “Hi,” she softly says.

  “Hi,” I reply. “Move over, let me in.” She shuffles over so I can climb in, pulling most of her body on top of me so we can both fit in the single bed. Camp beds are definitely designed to prevent anyone getting some action.

  “I’ll sneak back,” Rafe says, about to walk towards the door but Chloe’s voice stops him.

  “You might get caught and then Tate’s cover will be blown,” she says.

  “True. Anyone got a spare pillow? I’ll crash on the floor,” Rafe says.

  “I wouldn’t mind a cuddle if you feel up to being a big spoon?” Chloe surprisingly says, and I lift my head to watch the two of them.

  “Sure, I’m always up for cuddles,” Rafe cheerily says, turning to me and winking. Chloe squeezes right in next to the wall, and Rafe climbs in behind her. Her audible sigh fills the air.

  “Rafe must be a good cuddler,” Tamsyn whispers into my ear, which sparks a smile on my face. I press a lingering kiss to her lips, but don’t take it any further as we have company. We both settle into the bed, Tamsyn running circles over my ribs where the tattoo of Quinn is. It’s something she started doing after I got the tattoo and I’m not even sure she’s aware of it but it relaxes us both, always sending us to sleep.

  I get woken up by Penny pushing both me and Tamsyn. I squint my eyes open as Tamsyn stretches out her arms, still cradled into my side.

  “You better try to sneak back to your cabins because it’s light out,” Penny tells me, and my ears register Rafe’s snores coming from the opposite bunk.

  “I’ll see you at breakfast,” I tell Tamsyn, kissing her lips and climbing down. I start shaking Rafe’s back to wake him.

  “Aww I don’t wanna go, it’s comfy here,” he says, and I see him squeezing Chloe’s body in tighter to his.

  “Come on man, I don’t wanna get caught,” I plead, not wanting to get in trouble on the last day.

  “Fine, I’m coming,” he relents, releasing Chloe. “Thanks for the snuggles Chlo,” he says, and I watch as he kisses the top of her head. She turns in his arms and a strange look passes over both of their faces.

  “Right back at ya,” she says softly, rolling over as he gets up. I give Tamsyn a final kiss before Rafe and I check the coast is clear then make a mad dash back to our cabin with huge smiles on our faces. We head straight to the bathroom and then casually walk out of them as Mr. Finnegan rounds the corner like we had just gotten up to use the bathroom.

  “Morning gentleman,” he says, as we pass by him, heading to our cabin. A few others are opening their doors, waking up so it looks like we made it back at the perfect time. Once we get inside the cabin, Rafe holds up his hand with a massive smile on his face. I give him a high five feeling like we accomplished something great.

  “Where the hell were you two?” JP barks at us, breaking our moment.

  “Snuck in to see the girls in their cabin,” I tell him, lowering my voice.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” JP whines.

  “Sorry cuz, it was a last minute thing,” I tell him, knowing he would have wanted to see Penny. It must be the huge smile he sees on Rafe’s face that drains the fight out of him because he directs his attention to him.

  “Why are you smiling like you had the best night of your life?” he asks him, and I look to Rafe and notice he’s sporting the biggest smile I’ve seen on him in a while. Interesting.

  “Just had a good sleep was all,” he beams at JP, causing JP’s eyes to widen.

  “You better not have been in Penny’s bed?” JP says, between gritted teeth which makes Rafe laugh. His laughter angers JP more and they start play fighting like little kids.

  “I don’t kiss and tell,” Rafe taunts, causing me to laugh as I know he’s just trying to get a rise out of JP and it’s working. They keep wrestling until Rafe lies down on the floor laughing. JP can’t resist his best friend’s laughter and joins in with him.

  When we greet the girls at breakfast I say to Tamsyn, “So how did you sleep?” her knowing smile shines my way.

  “It was blissful actually,” she says, reaching forward to peck my lips.

  “I wish camp was longer,” Scott says, from the other side of Tamsyn.

  “I know, it’s been such a great week,” Penny says, and we all agree.

  “How did you sleep?” I hear JP ask Penny.

  “Fine. Why?” she asks him, which has Rafe’s shoulders jerking, as he laughs into his bowl of cereal.

  “Just asking,” JP says casually, catching on to the fac
t Rafe is messing with him.

  “Did you have a good sleep Rafe?” Tamsyn chimes in, knowing where Rafe spent the night.

  “It was great,” he says, smiling wide at her and winking, infuriating JP more as he isn’t in the know.

  “Please, someone just tell JP where Rafe slept before he blows a gasket,” Scott says, trying to stop himself from laughing at JP’s reddening face.

  “Oh he was in Chloe’s bed,” Penny says, which has JP’s eyes widening along with Scott’s.

  “What?” JP says, astonished.

  “She gives good cuddles,” Rafe tells JP, shrugging his shoulders.

  “Man, you guys gossip like girls,” Tamsyn teases them, which has everyone laughing and dropping the subject. My observant eyes notice when Chloe and Leyla enter the dining hall, Rafe and Chloe’s eyes briefly flick to each other then away again, before they are caught. I don’t get a chance to think any more of it because the subject changes to tonight’s plans.

  “I know camp’s finished but do you guys want to have a sleepover at mine tonight?” Tamsyn asks.

  “I’m in,” I tell her, jumping at the chance to spend time with her.

  “Me too,” Scott, JP and Penny say, in unison.

  “I’ve got a therapy session but I’ll be over after that,” Rafe tells us, and now we have plans for a sleepover, it makes the end of camp easier to bear.

  That night when I’m cuddled up next to Tamsyn in her bed, I feel like this is the best week I’ve had in a long time and I hope they continue to be this good. We all deserve some goodness in our lives after the recent tragic events.

  Chapter 21

  -- Tamsyn --

  It’s weeks later and camp is all anyone is still talking about. The high felt at camp has followed us home and everyone is still buzzing with the thrill from all the adrenaline filled activities. I tried to keep up with the energy but it’s too hard with this pit digging a hole in my stomach. My dad’s anniversary is in a few days. A whole year without him. Three hundred and sixty five days of my life he wasn’t a part of.

  I haven’t mentioned it to anyone because I’d rather not think about it. I’ve withdrawn into myself the last few days and I know it’s happening but I can’t pull myself out. It’s this feeling of wading in water, my legs are working hard under the surface unseen to keep my head above the surface but every now and then, I have to take a big gulp of air because I fear I will sink. My feet never stop and they keep up their furious paddling and I manage to carry on as I am. My body is present but my mind is elsewhere and unable to function as usual.

  I’ve missed conversations because I’ve been zoned out thinking about my dad and thinking about not thinking about him, which is a vicious cycle. It’s turned into a game. If I can hold back my tears a bit longer then maybe it will all fade away. As I sit here while Tate and the others talk, my eyes burn from holding my tears in. They’ll float to the edge of my eyelids, ready to fall but at the last second, I draw them back in. I didn’t even think it was possible to contain tears like that, but sadly it is. It’s easy to hide pain when you don’t want anyone to see.

  My hair is in a plait today hanging over my shoulder, and while my other hand rests on our lunch table, my fingers twist the end of the plait aimlessly between my fingers. My eyes daydream as they stare at the wooden bench. Breathe, just breathe I tell myself as the tears burn on their way forward again. A firm squeeze on my thigh jerks me out of my daydream and before I can pull the tears back from sight, my eyes glance up to who squeezed my leg. Tate.

  Anguish crosses his face as he must catch the glassiness I know will be shining in my eyes. While the others continue talking, unaware, Tate leans forward pressing his lips to my forehead. His gentle gesture makes the tears finally release down my cheeks. He lifts his leg over the bench seat then without warning, he bends down and gathers me in his arms. My legs cinch his waist and as my arms snake around his neck, I bury my face by his throat and let all the pain out. He squeezes me tighter as he walks away.

  “Tate?” I hear Rafe call, causing him to turn around. I feel his throat move as if he’s shaking his head then he’s on the move again. My hot tears burn tracks running down my cheeks as they find their destination, soaking his shirt. Vaguely I hear a door close and then other doors banging around. My butt and thighs get seated on a cool surface as Tate runs his arms down my back. My body clings to him so tightly.

  “Baby, please you’re scaring me. What is it?” he pleads, and it just makes me cry harder, wishing my dad was here. He wraps his arms back around me, cupping my head and holding it into his neck. As if he’s telling me to let it all out for him to absorb through his skin. So that’s what I do. I cry until my throat is raw and the whole time Tate’s grip on me doesn’t loosen.

  When I’m empty from all my tears and emotions, I break contact with his neck and he feels the movement, letting me look up into his eyes. His own tears shimmer in his eyes as he stares at the devastation on my face. Gently he wipes under my eyes with his thumbs, removing the remnants of my pain.

  “Talk to me,” he softly says, staring into my grief filled eyes. I take an audible breath which makes me shiver.

  “It’s Dad’s anniversary on Thursday,” I tell him, feeling some remaining tears leak down with my words. I see the moment his face cracks. Feeling my pain. This is what connects us. Our grief has always pulled our souls together. What one feels, the other feels because of what we’ve gone through. So he knows exactly how I’m feeling right now. A single tear drops from his cheek and I swipe it away. He leans forward and rests his forehead on mine. Our pain surrounds us, filling the air as we breathe each other in, lost in our thoughts. His arms loosely surround me.

  “Will this ever get any easier?” I ask him, not knowing how I can continue to carry on feeling this pain for the rest of my life.

  “I sure hope so, Sweetness,” he says, knowing he feels the same. The bell for class goes but neither of us moves. I feel his hand moving before he’s talking into his phone.

  “Hey man,” then a pause, “Yeah she’s okay. Did someone grab our bags?” then he looks into my eyes. “Thanks man, I think we are just gonna walk back to her house now,” he says into the phone, but I know he’s asking me, so I nod. “Nah man, we’ll be fine. Just ring me when you’re there after school. Thanks man,” he says, before hanging up and pocketing his phone. “JP has our bags, he’ll bring them by your place after school,” he informs me. All I can do is nod. If I talk, the tears will unleash again. “You ready to wag school with me Sweetness?” he asks, his lip lifting on one side and I can’t help but offer him a small smile of my own.

  He pulls me down so my feet land on the cold tiled floor then he draws me into his chest. The thumping of his heart helps to calm my wild thoughts. Everyone will be in class now but we wait a few more minutes before exiting. It’s the bathroom he took me to before, around the side of the gym. Holding hands, we walk quickly down the side of classrooms, headed to the back gate of the school. The front gate is right by the office so it’s more likely we will get seen that way. Neither of us care about the consequences of wagging, we just want to escape.

  As soon as the iron gate comes into view, we take off into a sprint, running straight through it and down the street before we slow to catch our breaths.

  “Hop on my back, Sweetness,” Tate suggests, bending down in front of me. I wrap my arms around his neck as he grabs my thighs and wraps my legs around him. I jiggle on his back as he walks, breathing in his earthy scent to calm me down some more. I don’t know what would have become of me without him to pull me out of my head. He’s saved me in more ways than he realises.

  -- Tate --

  When I reach her front porch, I lower her to her feet. We had to take the long way back to her house since we came out the back gate of school, but it didn’t bother me. Any time I get to spend with her is a blessing. She walks over to one of the
potted plants on the far side of the porch and pushes it on an angle to grab the spare key, hidden under there. Unlocking the door, we step inside and head up to her room.

  Her mum is still at work so it’s just the two of us. Entering her room I pull her into my arms, needing to hold her close. The despair on her face at school broke me. I hate seeing her so upset. Her dad’s anniversary. I didn’t even think it might be coming up soon. She’s been much happier lately but as we both know, it only takes one little thing to knock you off track, where your pain tumbles out and pushes you down again.

  She pulls her head away, bending her neck back to look up at me.

  “You okay?” I ask, as I watch the sadness flicker in her eyes.

  She leans forward taking my lips in hers before she softly says against them, “Make me forget, please?” I pull back to look in her eyes and her visible pain cuts me open. “Please?” she pleads, knowing that I want to tell her no.

  I search her eyes before asking, “You sure?” and she nods. If I can take away her pain for a minute, I can’t deny her. I grab her neck pulling her to me, kissing her with all the love I have inside. I lift her in my arms, walking us back to the bed. We both start ripping the other’s clothes off, and in seconds we’re naked. Our pants fill the silent air. She grabs a condom from her bedside table and rips it open before sliding it on me.

  As I line up with her entrance, I kiss her deeply before entering her all the way. I swallow down her gasps as I start to move. Rocking my hips back and forth, I lean up on my hands and stare into her eyes.

  “I love you,” I mouth, and as a tear slips down her cheek, I lean forward and lick it’s trail before kissing her nose.

  “I love you too,” she mouths back, and I speed up my movements. My thumb rubs against her little bundle of nerves and I watch her face, as I feel her tighten around me. Her moans fill the air as our sweat slicked bodies move against each other. “Tate,” she groans out, as I feel the pull of her. Her hips lift off the bed as she’s taken over the edge. A few more thrusts and then I’m following her with my own release, my body covering her as I groan into her throat.